SpongeBob:[sniffs the air and sighs] Ah, I tell you Gary, there is nothing better on a sunny day than a fresh walk.
[Another snail's meow is heard]
SpongeBob: What's the matter, pal? Walking too fast for ya?
[The snail's meow is heard again, and SpongeBob and Gary turn their heads to the direction the meow is coming from. Gary drags SpongeBob to that direction.]
SpongeBob: Huh? What is it, boy? Is someone in danger?
[Gary drags SpongeBob to a lost and very old snail, hiding behind a rock. The lost snail hides behind the rock.]
SpongeBob: Aww. Come here, little fella. I won't hurt ya.
[The snail slithers over to SpongeBob. SpongeBob pets the snail and as he pets it, the skin showing its rib cage begin to play music like a guitar. The snail purrs happily.]
SpongeBob: Aww. I'm gonna called you, Señor Poopus. Good job, Gary. Let's get him home so he can eat. He's almost all shell.
[The scene changes to SpongeBob's house where Señor Poopus is being fed.]
SpongeBob: Boy, Señor Poopus sure is hungry.
[Gary nuzzles with Señor Poopus and the two snails started to play.]
SpongeBob: Aww. He wants to play.
Patrick: Ha. Whatcha doing, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary found this stray snail and I'm nursing him back to health.
Patrick: Huh. Well, what about those baby snails?
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking under a bridge.]
Patrick: They're over here.
[Patrick shows four lost baby snails who appear to be all alone.]
SpongeBob: Aww. So tiny and hungry. They have nobody to take care of them. I'm gonna take 'em home and feed 'em.
Patrick: Feed 'em to who?
[The scene changes to SpongeBob reading a manual about snail care.]
SpongeBob: It is important to keep baby snails warm at all times.
Patrick: My mouth is warm.
[Patrick puts his hand in his mouth.]
SpongeBob: Uh, good suggestion, Patrick. But I got this.
[SpongeBob carries four bottles of milk to the snails and covers them with an electric blanket. SpongeBob then sets the blanket to snail temperature.]
SpongeBob: There we go.
[SpongeBob pulls up his arm, revealing a real arm underneath. He drips milk on his arm.]
SpongeBob: Uh-huh. Perfect temperature. Time to eat my little snaily poos.
[SpongeBob feeds the baby snails with the bottles of milk.]
SpongeBob: Eat up, you little cuties.
Patrick: So... I guess I'll be going then.
[SpongeBob giggles as he is feeding the baby snails, but Patrick sadly leaves as he is being rejected. The scene changes to SpongeBob continuing to take care of the snails. He hears another snail's meow.]
SpongeBob: Huh? What? Did you guys lose your bottle?
[SpongeBob looks around and sees the snails enjoying themselves. He then looks at the door and realizes that the meowing sound is coming from outside. SpongeBob walks to the door, opens it and looks around.]
[Suddenly, another snail slides over SpongeBob and slithers to the baby snails.]
SpongeBob: Oh! You must be the snail mom.
[The snail mom purrs happily with her babies. Patrick comes in with Frankie Billy holding a snail.]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! This guy found this snail in his garden and he didn't know what to do. So, I told him how you take care of snails.
Frankie Billy: Thanks, pal. You're a lifesaver.
[Frankie give SpongeBob the snail and leaves.]
Patrick: That's a pretty good thing I thought of. Huh? Well...
SpongeBob: I'll call you...
[The snail pops out his head revealing a human's head with eyes sticking out.]
[SpongeBob nuzzles with the new snail, but Patrick feels rejected again and sadly leaves. SpongeBob continues taking care of the snails until he hears the doorbell ring.]
SpongeBob: Oh. Uh, excuse me. Pardon me. Uh, just a minute!
[SpongeBob opens the door and finds more snails in a box. He then sees Patrick riding in a car with Nat Peterson.]
Nat Peterson: Thanks, Snailguy!
[Nat drives away with Patrick laughing in the back. SpongeBob brings the box inside and closes the door. The scene changes to SpongeBob bringing dozens of snail food and snail litter to his house in a wagon.]
SpongeBob: Three bags of snail chow. Four bags of snail litter.
[As SpongeBob arrives to his house, a huge line of people were waiting with their snails.]
Sadie: Thanks, Snailguy!
SpongeBob: Uh, you're welcome?
[More people gives SpongeBob their snails, though SpongeBob looks a bit overwhelmed by having so much snails. When SpongeBob enters the house, dozens of snails crowd the living room when SpongeBob carries bowls of food.]
SpongeBob: Ok, would you guys just relax? You're all gonna get fed. Dani, keep out of Walter's dish. Obulax, what are you doing? Cheryl, Henry, no fighting.
[SpongeBob notices his clothes are covered in snail slime while a snail slithers on his head.]
SpongeBob: Geez, my pants are getting ruined and my head is sticky. I gotta do something about that.
[SpongeBob goes up to his bathroom, removes the snail from his head and takes off his pants. He then takes the shower curtain and puts it on like he's wearing a dress. Then he takes a bathmat and makes it into a hairpiece. The scene changes to the Krusty Krab where there is a line of hungry customers who are complaining about not getting their food.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, why aren't you taking orders from these good people?
Squidward: I would, but what's the point? There's no one to make the food.
Mr. Krabs:[stutters] What?! Where's SpongeBob?
Squidward: Let me think. No idea.
Mr. Krabs: Then you'll have to do SpongeBob's job too!
Squidward: I can't do that!
Mr. Krabs: Of course you can. Any idiot can do it. Now, get to work! I'm gonna go find SpongeBob!
[Mr. Krabs leaves the Krusty Krab to find SpongeBob. The customers continue to complain.]
Squidward: Alright, alright! Calm down, everybody! I'm here to take your order!
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs knocking on SpongeBob's door. SpongeBob, who now appears with an eerie looking face, answers.]
[Mr. Krabs becomes smitten when he thinks SpongeBob is a woman.]
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, excuse me, me lovely. Maybe I've got the wrong house here. But I can't say I'm disappointed. I was thinkin' of me old matey SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Mr. Krabs.
[Mr. Krabs is stunned.]
Mr. Krabs:[stutters] SpongeBob? That's you, boy? Why aren't you at work? And why are you all dressed up like a nanny puppet subsea hooligowl?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. But I'm so busy taking care of these snails. I'll try to come in tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: You try?! Listen up, me boy-oh! You'll do more than try! You'll...
[A noise is heard inside of SpongeBob's house.]
SpongeBob: Down, Vince! You leave Electric Ronnie alone! Mr. Buster, get off that shelf! Nothing today, thank you! Bye, Mr. Krabs!
[SpongeBob shuts the door and Mr. Krabs is completely speechless about what SpongeBob's been going through. The scene changes to Squidward coming home from work.]
Squidward:[sniff] I can't believe that I had to do my job's and SpongeBob's. [sneezes as he enters his house]
French Narrator: The next morning...
[Squidward exits his house and his face is completely swollen. He steps on some of the snail slime.]
Squidward: What the? [notices the slime and sneeze] Oh, it's not a cold, it's my allergies.
[A snail slithers by and Squidward sees SpongeBob feeding numerous snails. Squidward angrily walks up to SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Hey, lady!
[SpongeBob appears more eerie than before.]
Squidward:[freaks out] SpongeBob, is that you?
SpongeBob: I don't know. [gives a bowl of food to a snail]
Squidward: What happened to you? And where did all these snails come from?!
SpongeBob: Don't worry. I'm taking very good care of all my snails. [gives a bowl of food to another snail]
Squidward: I'm not worried about them, I'm worried about me! I'm allergic to snails!
SpongeBob: Even Gary? [gives a bowl of food to another snail, but ended up hitting Squidward's stomach.]
Squidward: One snail I can handle. Maybe even two or three. But this? Geesh, no way! Just how many snails do you have?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Let's count them shall we. One, two, three, Mary, Dani, Carmela, Señor Poopus, Jack, twenty-four, Paul, Brenda, Cheryl, Steve, One that keeps barfing on the floor, forty-eight, [as SpongeBob mutters more names, Squidward gets angry.] Obulax, Vince, Mavis, Mavis Jr. Electric Ronnie, Dianne, Pam, Ninety-seven, Walter, Sarah, Bugaloo Shrimp, [Squidward gets more angry.] a hundred forty-one, Viva, Tom, Thea, Ava, that's a hundred sixty-four, Old Ironsides, [Squidward gets a lot more angrier.], Rhonda, Papa Pup, He Who Shall Not Be Named, two hundred thirty-three, Sean, Andy, Mr. Buster, Mrs. Buster, I'll say two hundred fifty-eight!
Squidward:[grumbles a lot more angrier] Enough! You have to get rid of those snails and get back to work!
SpongeBob: Work? But I've found my life's work. Taking care of wayward snails. [a snail crawls over his body.]
Squidward:[furious] That's it!! I'm calling the Bikini Bottom officials so they can deal with it!
[Squidward stomps away, angrily, and the scene changes to Squidward, with his head more swollen and larger, on the telephone.]
Squidward: He said like two hundred and fifty-eight! Well, do something about it! That's why I pay taxes! [hangs up the phone.] Oh, my allergies are killing me.
Harold: Uh, hello? Hey, man. I'm super hungry. Where's my food, dude?
Squidward: Oh, chill your gills! I'll get your food, dude!
[Squidward reaches over the window and gives Harold his food, but sneezes in it. The food is covered with saliva, which makes Harold grossed out.]
Harold: Uh, I'm not so super hungry all of a sudden. And also, I'm super not paying!
[Harold drops the tray and walks away.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, have you lost your ever lovin' mind? You cannot be sneezin' all over me Krabby Patties! The customers don't like it. Except for that guy.
[Sheldon is seen eating the saliva covered Krabby Patties and giggles.]
Squidward: That's it. I'm done.
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't abandon ship! I have to work all by meself!
Squidward:[sarcastically] Don't worry, it's not a problem! Any idiot can do it, right?
Mr. Krabs: Right.
[The scene changes to Patrick walking to SpongeBob's house with some glue, paper towel rolls, and a snail shell.]
Patrick: Well, if it's snail friends he wants, it's a snail friend he's gonna get.
[Patrick puts paper towel rolls on his eyes to look like snail's eyestalks. Then he glues the snail shell on his back and hides his arms and legs in the shell.]
SpongeBob: Oh, another little stray friend. What is your name little fellow?
Patrick: It's Patrick! Um, Meow!
SpongeBob: I think I'll call you Patrick.
[SpongeBob brings Patrick inside his house, but much to Patrick's horror, the house is completely covered with snails, who are spreading slime all over the place. Patrick tries to flee.]
SpongeBob: No, no, you dirty boy. You need a bath.
Patrick: Meow, no! No, meow!
[SpongeBob pulls Patrick back in. The scene changes to the Pet Control Police knocking on SpongeBob's door.]
SpongeBob: Uh, hello, police.
Pet Control Police: Excuse me, ma'am. But we've had some complaints...
SpongeBob:[laughs] No, thank you, please. [Patrick attempts to leave the house but SpongeBob grabs him.] Oh no, Patrick. No outsidies for you. [SpongeBob drags him back in.]
Patrick: Meow, help! Meow, help! [SpongeBob closes the door]
[The scene changes to Squidward on the telephone with his body incredibly swollen.]
Squidward: He said, "No, thank you, please"? What does that even mean? I demand that you do something about those snails, now!
[As he talks, his head gets bigger and the receiver gets absorbed by it as well as getting his hand stuck. When Squidward tried to hang up the phone, he struggles to free his hand from his head. He then walks over to his window as his telephone flies off the table and lands in his head. Then sees the freakishly eerie SpongeBob building a fence around his house.]
Squidward: Oh, this has got to stop!
[The telephone rings. Squidward struggles to answer while his hand is still stuck in his swollen head, but falls on the floor. The scene changes to SpongeBob locking the fence.]
SpongeBob: Oh, the bad men want to take you away from me. But I won't let them.
[Just then, sirens were heard and two vehicles are arriving. SpongeBob panics, hides Señor Poopus under his dress, and attempts to run but trips over a snail and gets sand in his face and mouth. His face resembles Quasimodo.]
SpongeBob:[Gets up and talks with his mouth full of sand.] Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Everybody in! Everybody in!
[All of the snails rush inside SpongeBob's house, but it was so full that some of the snails flew out from the roof. But SpongeBob manages to get inside his house. One of the vehicles had a truck that is named Bob Barnacle Snail Center on it and the driver of the truck, Bob Barnacle, steps out of it.]
Pet Control Police: SpongeBob is behind that fence and he has locked the gate.
Squidward:[bloated, walks up agitated] Oh, quit messin' around and just break down the gate!
Bob Barnacle:[calmly] Wait. Maybe there's another way. Get me a bullhorn. I wanna talk to her.
Pet Control Police: Him.
Bob Barnacle: Oh, right. Him. [The Pet Control Police gives Bob a bullhorn and begins talking through it.] SpongeBob, I need you to listen to me!
[The snails on the roof form a chain and shows the freakishly eerie SpongeBob.]
Bob Barnacle: SpongeBob, my name is Bob Barnacle. I run the Bob Barnacle Snail Rescue Center. These snails all got loose through a hole in the fence of my snail center. I'm here to help the snails. I'm here to help you.
Bob Barnacle: I know that you mean well, but there's only so much one sponge can do. You must be very tired from all your hard work.
[SpongeBob begins to understand what Bob is talking about.]
Bob Barnacle: My center has all the space and staff that a snail needs. They'll be well taken care of.
[The snails gently puts SpongeBob down on the ground. SpongeBob walks to the gate.]
Bob Barnacle: I promise. The snails will be happy.
[SpongeBob unlocks the gate and gives Señor Poopus to Bob.]
Bob Barnacle: Esmerelda!
Bob Barnacle: Yes, that's her name! What did you call her?
SpongeBob:[embarrassed] Señor Poopus. [laughs]
[The scene changes to all the snails being placed in Bob's truck.]
SpongeBob: So long! I'm gonna miss you guys. Especially you, Señor Poopus. [laughs] I mean Señorita Esmerelda.
[Bob puts the last two snails inside his truck.]
Bob Barnacle: You did the right thing. You can visit the snail center anytime.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Bob. We will. But I'm going back to being a one snail guy. That's the way I like it.
Bob Barnacle: Don't forget to get your pet spayed or neutered.
[Bob enters his truck. But before he drives away, a pink snail slithers up to SpongeBob.]
Patrick: Bye, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Bye, Patrick.
[Bob drives away, but SpongeBob realizes that the pink snail was Patrick.]
SpongeBob:[gasps] Patrick! Patrick! [SpongeBob starts chasing after the truck.] Don't worry! I'm going to adopt you!