This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sailor Mouth" from season 2, which aired on September 21, 2001.
- [The title card has men singing part of song, "Sailing Over the Dogger Bank"] ♪Watcha twigger she's a proper jubby-jewel... On a passage from the Dogger Bank to Great Grimsby!♪ [then we see the Krusty Krab in night]
- Mr. Krabs: Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. [cringes as he changes the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Closing time!
- SpongeBob: Well, see you in the A.M., Mr. Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! [pulls SpongeBob back] Take that pile of filth out with you. [Squidward holds up a trash bag]
- SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!
- Squidward: He means this filth, you loon.
- [SpongeBob goes to the dumpster while bringing the trash bag]
- SpongeBob: [singing] Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash.
- [SpongeBob throw the trash and then looked at some writings on the dumpster]
- SpongeBob: Hmm...dumpster writing! The voice of the people! "Up with bubbles, down with air!" [laughs] "Nematodes are people too!" [laughs Ha, those Nematodes... Here's one someone didn't finish! Squidward smells. [writes the word "good" after "smells"] Gooooood. [laughs] Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a... hmm? Krabs is a [dolphin chirp].
- Garbage Man: [Clearly disgusted] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
- SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not...recently.
- Patrick: Hi, garbage man. Hi, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Patrick, do you know what this word means?
- Patrick: "Krabs..." Uh, isn't that the red sweaty guy you work for?
- SpongeBob: [pointing to the unseen word] No, not that word, THAT word.
- Patrick: Hmm... [dolphin chirp]! Uh, hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
- SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
- Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!
- SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Let me try. [coughs] Hello, Patrick. Lovely [dolphin chirp] day it is, isn't it?
- Patrick: Why yes it is, SpongeBob. This [dolphin chirp] day is particularly [dolphin chirp] lovely!
- SpongeBob: How [dolphin chirp] right you are, Patrick!
- [The two say the word a couple of times]
- SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
- Patrick: Oh, me too!
- [both laugh]
- SpongeBob: It tingles when I laugh!
- [SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab the next day]
- SpongeBob: Hello, customers, nice [dolphin chirp] day we're having, uh? [The customers stop eating and stare in shock]
- Sailor Fish: [gasps] Did he just say?!
- Pirate Fish: Aye, he did.
- SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the [dolphin chirp] are ya?
- Patrick: [sitting at table at the Krusty Krab] Pretty [dolphin chirp] good, SpongeBob.
- Old Man Jenkins: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter mouth convention.
- SpongeBob: [taps on the microphone and speaks into it] Attention, customers, today's special is a [dolphin chirp] Krabby Patty served in a greasy [dolphin chirp] sauce and grilled to [dolphin chirp] perfection. [a mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears and puts soda on one since she doesn't have enough hands] And don't forget to ask us to [dolphin chirp] the [dolphin chirp] fries. It will be our [dolphin chirp] pleasure. [Squidward hears the intercom and a giant human ear pops out of his head; he pushes it back in] Hi Squidward, how the [dolphin chirp] are ya?
- Patrick: Nice [dolphin chirp] day we're having, isn't it Squidward?
- Tom: I don't understand. The guy's talented, but he doesn't have to work blue.
- Evelyn: Let's go somewhere more family oriented. [Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab, grumbling in frustration]
- Fish: I'm eating at the Chum Bucket!
- [The Krusty Krab customer meter is running down. Sirens wail and a red light flashes]
- Mr. Krabs: [in the bathroom, hears the sirens] Huh? AH! The Krusty Krab, she's empty! [runs to dining room] All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me money paying customers gone?
- Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.
- Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
- Squidward: Er...he said...um, well he said...
- [Squidward whispers]
- Mr. Krabs: Huh? [Squidward whispers it again. Mr. Krabs gasps] SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!
- SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
- Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
- Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!
- SpongeBob: You mean [dolphin chirp]?
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one. Now quit saying that! It's a bad word.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word?! [both start wiping their tongues]
- Mr. Krabs: Yes sirree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
- Squidward: Don't you mean there are only 7?
- Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor! [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Wow, 13!
- Patrick: That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words!
- Mr. Krabs: OK, boys. I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.
- [later at SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Eels and Escalators]
- SpongeBob: Gee, I'm glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a bad word!
- Patrick: Yeah, me too, because classy sophisticates like us shouldn't stain our lips with cursing.
- SpongeBob: Yea, verily! Now, let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.
- Patrick: Oh, boy, my favorite! [Flops arms up and down like a seal]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes! [rolls the dice]
- Patrick: Oh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob, you gotta ride the eel.
- SpongeBob: Darn. [moves game piece to eel]
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls dice] Hooray! escalators! Yay! [screams] Up,up,up!
- SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators! [rolls dice] Uh, eels again.
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls dice] Escalators!
- SpongeBob: Escalators, Escalators, Escalators! [throws dice] Eels?
- Patrick: [rolls dice] Es-skee-lators!! [moves to escalators] Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob, or if you get eels again, you lose!
- SpongeBob: [gets frustrated while rolling the dice] Escalators, Escalators, Escalators!! [dice is thrown and lands on escalators] Ha! Escalators! [dice turn over to eels]
- Patrick: Eels...
- SpongeBob: AAHH, [dolphin chirp]!!! [covers his mouth when he realizes his mistake]
- Patrick: Ooooh! You said number 11!
- SpongeBob: [babbles for Patrick to understand] I didn't mean... you gotta understand, Patrick, I was trying...what I meant to say was...some things just slip out. You gotta understand!
- Patrick: Don't worry SpongeBob, I understand. [pause] Mr. Krabs! [runs out the door] Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [starts running to the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: [starts running after him] No wait, Patrick! [after SpongeBob catches up to Patrick] Patrick, no, please don't tell!
- Patrick: But you said [dolphin chirp]! [Covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
- SpongeBob: Aha! Now I'm gonna tell Mr. Krabs on you!
- Patrick: Not if I tell first!
- SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! [laughs]
- Patrick: [riding in an ice cream truck] See ya at the Krusty Krab! Ha, ha, ha! [the truck goes the wrong way] Oh nooooo!
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
- SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
- SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!
- Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
- SpongeBob: [talking fast] Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators, and Patrick was going up-up-up, and I had to ride the eel and then we ran and Patrick, he said some THINGS.
- Mr.Krabs: [eyes SpongeBob] What kind of things?
- SpongeBob: Well, he said...
- Mr. Krabs: Yes?!
- SpongeBob: Well,uh, let's just say he said a certain word that you said we shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in the 13 words you said shouldn't be said.
- Mr. Krabs: Uh... right, uh, you said what...? Who now?
- Patrick: [eats an ice cream but throws away the cone] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs sighs]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: He said that that you said we shouldn't say [both babble on about the word, but Mr. Krabs grabs their lips]
- Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of yer lips, and when I do, I want you boys to calmly tell me what youse need to tell me, understand?
- Both: Mmm-hmm... [Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips] He said [dolphin chirp]!
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Do my ears deceive me?! You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean, never use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now the both of youse wait right here. I'll be back.
- Patrick: What's going to happen to us?
- SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes!
- Patrick: Oh, no! [stupidly imagines himself with 40 large, weird eyelashes]
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs was right. There's no need for words like that.
- Patrick: I'm sorry too, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Let's make a vow, Patrick. From this day forth the foul word shall never pass our lips! We will be good citizens,just like good ol' Mr.Krabs.
- Patrick: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Agreed!
- Mr. Krabs: All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for fouling the air in me restaurant with yer foul words, you're going to give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. [stubs his foot on a rock then hops on one leg] OW, OOH! OW! MY [dolphin chirps] FOOT! WHAT [dolphin chirps] GENIUS PUTS A [dolphin chirps] ROCK IN A [dolphin chirps] PATH?! CAN'T YOU SEE I GOT A [boat horn no. 1] FOOT HERE?! OH! [seal bark!] [continues saying a bunch of swears, bleeped out by seagulls, foghorns, ship bells, etc.; at this moment, SpongeBob and Patrick count the swears]
- SpongeBob: Five, six, seven...
- Mr. Krabs: ...a whole lotta [old-style foghorn] and with a side of [dolphin chirp], a heapin' helpin' of [ship's bell] and a boatload of [boat horn no. 4]...
- Patrick: Nine...
- Mr. Krabs: [seal bark, sea gull, and a new-style foghorn]!!
- SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob with 13 fingers] That's all 13, Patrick!! [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: [worried] No, please, not me mommy! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh as they run to Mamma Krabs house, Mr. Krabs runs after them] Wait, please don't tell me mother! I don't think her little old heart can take it!
- [They go to the house]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [repeatedly banging on the door] Mama Krabs, Mama Krabs!
- Mama Krabs: Why, hello there!
- [SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs all explain the situation at the same time, swearing numerous times as they do so!]
- Mama Krabs: [shocked] Oh, dear! My poor old heart. [faints]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear Mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [takes a coin out of her pocket] You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
- Mama Krabs: [wakes up] You should all be ashamed! And if you're gonna talk like sailors, then you're gonna work like sailors!
- [Then the three are painting her house, Patrick is painting the sand]
- Mama Krabs: I guess you three scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade! Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga! [laughs like Popeye, then stubs her foot on a rock] YEEEOWW!! MY [classic horn honks] FOOT!
- [SpongeBob & Patrick gasp in shock]
- Mr. Krabs: [shocked] Mother!
- Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins and his jalopy.
- Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K! [honks the horn]
- SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Mama Krabs: [all laugh together