This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sailor Mouth" from season 2, which aired on September 21, 2001.
- [The title card has men singing part of the song "Sailing Over the Dogger Bank"] ♪Oh, watch out, trigger she's a proper ju-ber-ju, on a passage from the Dogger Bank to Great Grimsby!♪
- [Transitions to the Krusty Krab at night. Mr. Krabs is inside the Krusty Krab near the door.]
- Mr. Krabs: [sighs] Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. [cringes as he changes the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Closing time.
- SpongeBob: Well, see you in the A.M., Mr. Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: [picks up SpongeBob] Hold on there, SpongeBob. [pulls SpongeBob back] Take that pile of filth out with you. [Squidward holds up a trash bag with flies flying around it]
- SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
- Squidward: He means this filth, you loon. [drops the bag on the floor]
- [SpongeBob goes to the dumpster while bringing the trash bag.]
- SpongeBob: [singing] Mm, taking out the trash, taking out the trash.
- [SpongeBob throws the trash in the dumpster and then looks at some writings on the dumpster.]
- SpongeBob: Hmm, dumpster writing! The voice of the people. "Up with bubbles, down with air." [laughs] "Nematodes are people, too." [laughs] Ha, those nematodes. Here's one somebody didn't finish: "Squidward smells... Good." [writes the word "good" after "smells"] [laughs] Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a... Hmm? Krabs is a [dolphin chirp].
- Incidental 119: [clearly disgusted] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? [picks up some garbage bags and leaves]
- SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not... recently.
- Patrick: [off-screen] Hi, garbage man. [appears on-screen] Hi, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. Hey, Patrick, do you know what this word means?
- Patrick: "Krabs..." Uh, isn't that the red, sweaty guy you work for?
- SpongeBob: [pointing to "Krabs," then the unseen word] Nuh-uh, not that word. That word.
- Patrick: [dolphin chirp]! Hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
- SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
- Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and wham-o! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich.
- SpongeBob: Oh, I get it. Let me try. [clears his throat] Hello, Patrick. Lovely [dolphin chirp] day we're having isn't it?
- Patrick: Why, yes it is, SpongeBob. This [dolphin chirp] day is particularly [dolphin chirp] lovely.
- SpongeBob: How [dolphin chirp] right you are, Patrick!
- [The two continue to say the word a few more times.]
- SpongeBob: Ooh, you're right, Patrick. My lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
- Patrick: Ooh-hoo, mine, too.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
- SpongeBob: It tingles when I laugh.
- [SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab the next day.]
- SpongeBob: [opens the doors] Hello, customers. Nice [dolphin chirp] day we're having, huh? [the customers stop eating and stare in shock]
- Incidental 40: [gasps] Did he just say...
- Pirate 3: Aye, he did.
- SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the [dolphin chirp] are you?
- Patrick: [sitting at a table at the Krusty Krab] Pretty [dolphin chirp] good, SpongeBob.
- Incidental 86: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter-mouth convention.
- SpongeBob: [taps on the microphone and speaks into it] Attention, customers. Today's special is a [dolphin chirp] Krabby Patty served in a greasy [dolphin chirp] sauce and grilled to [dolphin chirp] perfection. [a mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears and puts a soda cup on the last one since she doesn't have enough tentacles] And, don't forget to ask us to [dolphin chirp] the [dolphin chirp] fries. It will be our [dolphin chirp] pleasure. [Squidward hears the intercom and a giant human ear pops out of his head; he pushes it back in] Hi, Squidward. How the [dolphin chirp] are you?
- Patrick: Nice [dolphin chirp] day, isn't it, Squidward?
- Incidental 6: I don't understand. That guy's talented. He doesn't have to work blue.
- Incidental 14: Let's go somewhere more family oriented.
- [Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab, grumbling in frustration]
- Female fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] I'm never eating here again.
- Male fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] Those foul-mouth bottom feeders.
- [The Krusty Krab customer meter is running down; sirens wail and a red light flashes.]
- Mr. Krabs: [in the bathroom, hears the sirens] Huh? [looks through the periscope, sees that the Krusty Krab is empty, and gasps] The Krusty Krab! She's empty! [runs to the dining room with toilet paper stuck to one of his legs] All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward! Where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?
- Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom. [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
- Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What did he say?
- Squidward: Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispering] Johnny Vandalism.
- Mr. Krabs: Huh?
- Squidward: [He whispers "Johnny Vandalism" again.]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!
- SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs we were only using our sentence enhancers.
- Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
- Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!
- SpongeBob: You mean [dolphin chirp]?
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one! [SpongeBob and Patrick stand up] Now quit saying that! [SpongeBob and Patrick frown] It's a bad word.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word?! [both regretfully wipe their tongues while moaning]
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, siree. That's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
- Squidward: Don't you mean there are only seven?
- Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Wow, 13.
- Patrick: That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words.
- Mr. Krabs: Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.
- [Later at SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Eels and Escalators.]
- SpongeBob: Gee, I'm glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a bad word.
- Patrick: Yeah, me too because classy sophisticates like us should not stain our lips with cursing.
- SpongeBob: Yea, verily. Now let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.
- Patrick: Oh, boy, my favorite! [flops his arms up and down like a seal]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes. [rolls the dice]
- Patrick: Ooh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob. You gotta ride the eel.
- SpongeBob: Darn. [moves his game piece to an eel]
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls the dice] Hooray! Escalators! [laughs excitedly] Up, up, up!
- SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators, escalators. [rolls the dice and sighs] Eels again.
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls the dice] Escalators!
- SpongeBob: Escalators, escalators, escalators. [throws the dice] Eels?!
- Patrick: [rolls the dice] Es-kee-lators! [moves to the escalators] Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob. Oh, if you get eels again, you lose.
- SpongeBob: [gets frustrated while rolling the dice] Ooh... escalators, escalators, escalators! [the dice is thrown and lands on escalators] Ha! Escalators! [the dice later turn over to eels]
- Patrick: Eels.
- SpongeBob: Bah! [dolphin chirp]! [quickly covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
- Patrick: Ohhhhh. You said number 11.
- SpongeBob: [babbles for Patrick to understand] I-I-I didn't mean... You gotta understand, Patrick, I was trying... What I meant to say... Some things just slip out. You gotta understand!
- Patrick: Don't worry, SpongeBob. I understand. [pause] Mr. Krabs! [runs out the door] Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [starts running to the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: [starts running after him and screams] Patrick! [after SpongeBob catches up to Patrick] Patrick, no! Please don't tell!
- Patrick: But, you said "[dolphin chirp]"! [promptly covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
- SpongeBob: A-ha! Now I'm gonna tell Mr. Krabs on you!
- Patrick: Not if I tell first!
- SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! [laughs]
- Patrick: [riding on the back of an ice cream truck] See you at the Krusty Krab! Hahaha! [the truck turns left, away from the Krusty Krab's direction] Oh, no!
- SpongeBob: [laughs as he barges into the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
- SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
- SpongeBob: He said, he said...
- Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
- SpongeBob: [talking fast] We were playing Eels and Escalators, and he was going up, and I rode the eel. Then we ran and Patrick said some things.
- Mr. Krabs: [eyes SpongeBob] What things?
- SpongeBob: Well, he said...
- Mr. Krabs: Yes?
- SpongeBob: Well, he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in a list of 13 words that you said shouldn't be said.
- Mr. Krabs: Uh, right. What was that part about the, uh... who now?
- Patrick: [walks into the Krusty Krab eating an ice cream, but throws away the cone] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs sighs]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: He said that word that you said he shouldn't!
- SpongeBob: ...number 13...
- [SpongeBob and Patrick babble on about the word, as Mr. Krabs stares on disapprovingly, until the two are just pointing at each other and yelling gibberish; Mr. Krabs eventually grabs their lips to quiet them.]
- Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of your lips, and when I do, I want you to calmly tell me what youse need to tell me, understand?
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Mmm-hmm. [Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips, which initially deflate, then reinflate; they both point at each other again] He said "[dolphin chirp]"!
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Do my ears deceive me? You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. [picks SpongeBob and Patrick up by their pants and carries them outside the Krusty Krab and don't work while I thrown away in the garbage as punishments ] You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never-- and I mean never-- use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words. Now, the both of youse wait right here. I'll be back. [walks back inside the Krusty Krab]
- [SpongeBob and Patrick are shaking in anxiety]
- Patrick: What's going to happen to us?
- SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes.
- Patrick: Oh, no! [fearfully imagines himself blinking with 40 thick eyelashes]
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs is right. There's no need for words like that.
- Patrick: I'm sorry, too, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Let's make a vow, Patrick. From this day forth a foul word shall never pass our lips. We will be good citizens, just like good old Mr. Krabs.
- Patrick: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Agreed.
- Mr. Krabs: [returns with a ladder and several paint cans] All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for fouling the air in me restaurant with your foul words, you're going to give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. [jams his foot on a rock then hops on one leg] Woo! Wow! Oh! Whoa! My [dolphin chirps] foot! What [dolphin chirps] genius put a [dolphin chirps] rock in a path! I got a [boat horn no. 1] foot here! Oh [seal bark]!
- [Mr. Krabs continues saying a bunch of swear words, censored out by seagulls, foghorns, ship bells, and various other aquatic animal calls and nautical noises; at this moment, SpongeBob and Patrick count the swear words he uses.]
- SpongeBob: Five, six...
- Mr. Krabs: ...Side of [dolphin chirp], and a helping of [boat horn no. 4]...
- Patrick: Nine.
- Mr. Krabs: Aw, [seal bark, seagull squawk] grabbin'... [SpongeBob's alarm clock blares, he then cries in pain]
- SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob with 13 fingers] That's all 13, Patrick. [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: [worried] No, please! Not my mommy! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh as they run to Mama Krabs' house, Mr. Krabs runs after them] Wait! Please don't tell me mother! I don't think her little old heart can take it!
- [They all arrive at Mama Krabs' house, a giant pink anchor.]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [repeatedly banging on the door] Mama Krabs! Mama Krabs!
- Mama Krabs: Well, hello there!
- [SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs all explain the situation at the same time, swearing numerous times as they do so.]
- SpongeBob: Mama Krabs, he said... [points at Patrick; dolphin chirp] and then he said... [points at Mr. Krabs; dolphin chirps] ...again and he said [points at Patrick with both arms and one leg; dolphin chirps and seal barks], and then he screamed...[foghorn blows]
- Patrick: [at the same time as the above lines were said] It was terrible.
- SpongeBob: And he—
- Mr. Krabs: [at the same time as the above, angrily] Gah, they're a bunch of [horn honks] liars!
- SpongeBob: ...Mrs. Krabs, he didn't care! Such a stream of [seagull caws, foghorn, ship's bell]—
- Patrick: [crying] It was terrible!
- SpongeBob: —I have never heard in my days!
- Mama Krabs: [shocked] Oh, dear! My poor, old heart. [faints]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [takes a coin out of her pocket] You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
- Mama Krabs: You should all be ashamed! And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to work like sailors.
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs painting her house, while Patrick is painting the sand.]
- Mama Krabs: I guess you scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade. [laughs in the style of Popeye, then stubs her foot on a rock] Yee-ow! My [Klaxon horn blares as he mouths "...poor old...!"] foot!
- [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in shock.]
- Mr. Krabs: [shocked] Mother!
- Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins and his jalopy.
- Incidental 86: [driving by] Howdy, Mrs. K.! [honks the horn]
- [SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Mama Krabs all laugh together as the episode ends.]