This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Séance Shméance" from season nine, which aired on October 14, 2013.
Psychic: As consort to the spirit world, I now commence this séance. Ploobus, plorum, spaghetti, granolum. I now summon the unliving! [ground shakes, thunders are heard, the crystal ball shines; ghost comes out of the crystal ball]
Ghost: Why have you disturbed me?
Psychic: Because, you keep forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll! [shows empty toilet paper roll] As roommates, we all have to do our part.
Ghost: I know, but it wasn't me this time. 'Twas Gale who left things... unreplenished.
Squidward: [laughs] How cheesy. Who would ever be frightened by that?
SpongeBob: [breathing very loudly and fastly; his sweat gets on Squidward's head]
Squidward: [wipes the sweat off] Hey! MoistBob DripPants, you mind?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward. I just never seen a séance before.
Squidward: Well, try to contain yourself. We have a customer.
Old Man Jenkins: I'll have me a Rusty on Rye please.
Squidward: Charming colloquialism, but let's try something that's actually on the menu.
Old Man Jenkins: Stop giving me the round around city boy! I want a Rusty on Rye and nothing less!
SpongeBob: Just leave it to me, old rusty one! Prepare for a... What the barnacles is a Rusty on Rye? [pulls out file cabinet from his brain] Let's see... R... R... R... Ramblin Ham, Red Herring, Rib Tickler, Rusty Penguin, Salty Steamer. Huh, guess I don't know how to make Rusty on Rye. [puts file cabinet back in his brain] But I can certainly learn! Help me out, sir. Can you clue me in on what was on your beloved Rusty on Rye?
Old Man Jenkins: Huh? Oh, let's see, um, I think it was on rye bread, it was #9 on the menu, it came with a side of something or other...
Fish 1: Oh come on! Are you gonna order a patty or what, pops?
Fish 2: Let's get it moving here! [fish argue]
Mr. Krabs: What's the big kurfuffle? Oh, it's you. Only what's on the menu, old-timer!
Old Man Jenkins: This ain't no kinda way to treat a loyal customer! (leaves)
Squidward: Hah hah hah. Well, that's a first for you. An unsatisfied customer.
SpongeBob: [gasps] No! [runs to Mr. Krabs' office] Mr. Krabs! There was an unsatisfied customer! Why don't we serve the Rusty on Rye anymore?
Mr. Krabs: Because we never did. That sandwich was on the menu of an old restaurant that lay here a long time ago! Twas' an old ramshackle shack called Rusty's Rib Eye, and the only one who ever knew how to make that sandwich was the owner, Rusty Rickets. However, old Rusty bought the farm 20 years ago.
Mr. Krabs: Nope. You're not getting that recipe unless you're versed into talking with the unliving.
SpongeBob: I believe I've seen a program on this matter!
Mr. Krabs: [spins around in chair] Err... Scram. This conversation's making me dizzy.
SpongeBob: I may be able to get that recipe after all. I just need to call in a favor. [calls Patrick] Hi Patrick! SpongeBob here. [beat] Yeah, the one with square pants. Mm-hmm. Hey, listen, can you meet me after work? I need your help with something. [beat] Your best friend SpongeBob SquarePants.
[Scene changes to Patrick outside the Krusty Krab trimming his hand, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs walk to the door turning off the lights]
Mr. Krabs: Good night, kiddo.
SpongeBob: Good night, bossman. Patrick and I will lock up.
Mr. Krabs: Fine. But no eating me inventory.
Mr. Krabs: Or me furniture.
Patrick: What? Come on, bossman! If we can't eat anything, why are we here?
SpongeBob: Ahh, simple, my five-pointed friend. Tonight, we shall make contact with the unliving! [thunder roars] By performing... a séance! [thunder roars]
Patrick: Then can we eat some furniture?
Patrick: [screams] [thunder roars]
[Scene changes to Patrick laying on a table; SpongeBob puts a Krabby Patty with a candle on it on Patrick's head. SpongeBob blows a bubble and it lands on Patrick's stomach]
SpongeBob: As consort to the spirit world, I know commence this séance! I shall invoke the specter of Rusty Rickets by reading from The Sacred Text. "Distilled vinegar, water, number one mustard seed, salt, tumeric, paprika, natural flavors". I now summon the spirit of Rusty Rickets! [silence] Know, too, that I beckon the spirit of Rusty's Rib-Eye!
[Thunder is heard, the bubble rises, turns green and shows a spirit of Rusty's Rib Eye]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Rusty's Rib Eye!
Patrick: But where's Rusty?
[SpongeBob and Patrick look through the window. Ghosts of sandwiches appear and joined together and made the spirit of Rusty Rickets]
Rusty Rickets: [mumbles]
SpongeBob: Rusty Rickets!
Patrick: A big ghost?! I thought we were- we were conjuring a rib roast! I'm outta here! [runs away, but runs into the wall. Patrick then runs out the door] I'll get help buddy! Just get me away from this freak!
SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Uh, he means freak in the nicest possible way. Alright, enough of this hocus pocus hooey. Time to put in some work! [slings away his hair net and puts on his Krusty Krab hat] Say, uh, Rusty, how about spilling the beans for the old Rusty on Rye recipe?
SpongeBob: Ahh, well that was... just gibberish. Hmm.. I got it! How bout you write down the recipe for the classic #9?
Rusty: [mumbles] [pencil and paper goes through Rusty's hand]
SpongeBob: Oh right. You're a ghost. Hmm... how about you just show me how to make one?
Rusty: [mumbles] [signals, SpongeBob follows Rusty inside his shack as Rusty floated through the door]
SpongeBob: Whoa! Gee, Rusty. What a setup you got here. But where's all the sancwich bread, the condiments, the cold cuts?
Rusty: [mumbles] [Rusty takes out a driftwood and carves it into a sandwich]
SpongeBob: A rye sandwich carved entirely out of driftwood? Mama mia!
Rusty: [humming and spreading spackle on in and dips it in shellac]
SpongeBob: Spackle, shellac.
SpongeBob: Oh, you want me to try it?
SpongeBob: Oh, okay. [sniffs] Hmm... smells industrial! [bites] Ugh! Um.. I'm sure it's an acquired taste. [the smell comes out of the restaurant; a ghosts pops from under the floor and smells]
Ghost 1: [sniffs] Is that... [sniffs] Mmm! It is a Rusty on Rye! Gentlemen! Get up here! The "classic #9" is back! [ghost laugh, ghosts follow him into the shack]
SpongeBob: Hey! I didn't summon you guys!
Ghost 2: No, but the scent of an order of a #9 did.
Ghost 1: Even from way down there. [points down]
SpongeBob: Uh oh! It looks like were running low on shellac! I'll go get some more. [screams] Boy, those guys can sure terrifying.
Ghost 1: You know, this little suarae could never of happened without ol' Rusty here. Let's all give a ghastly howl for Rusty Rickets! [ghosts howl]
SpongeBob: Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise.
Ghost 3: Oohh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Hey! That is private property! Maybe you guys should leave!
Ghost 1: Oh yeah? [ghost vomits]
SpongeBob: Do I have to call-- [gets vomited on] Eww.. ectoplasm.
Ghost 1: Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? [ghosts chant] [SpongeBob gasps] [ghosts destroy the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! [ghosts continue partying]
Patrick: That good enough for ya? [SpongeBob screams]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help!
Patrick: Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building [screams]
Mr. Krabs: Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversin' with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! [ghost laughs] Batter up! H'ya! [whacks ghosts into bubble] [ghost roars] Yeah, and go back in which ye came! [pops bubble]
SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. Krabs--
Mr. Krabs: Never hold a seance boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave!
SpongeBob: Order up! Here's your #9 sir! [puts tray on table]
Old Man Jenkins: [munches]
SpongeBob: And everything was better! [We then hear Patrick running and moaning while running around the Krusty Krab]
Patrick: [the episode ends with Patrick moaning]