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Rule of Dumb
Season №: 4
Episode №: 77b
Airdate: February 19, 2007
Previous: "Driven to Tears"
Next: "Born to Be Wild"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Rule of Dumb" from season four, which aired on February 19, 2007.

  • [A humanized pink starfish in a suit walks up and knocks on Patrick's rock.]
  • Patrick: Yeah?
  • Starfish: Good day, sir. I am...
  • Patrick: [gasp] I know exactly who you are! [closes rock]
  • SpongeBob: Ah, there's nothing like spending quality time with my Gar-Gar.
  • Lady on TV: Jason, I have to be honest. There's someone else. [grabs an elderly fish]
  • Man on TV: Grandpa!
  • Patrick: [pokes head out of TV] SpongeBob, help! He's onto me! I don't have much time! [pants. Makes a fire in SpongeBob's living room and burns some of his books]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing?
  • Patrick: I have to get rid of these books! [shows 'HOW TO READ' book]
  • SpongeBob: Why?
  • Patrick: I'll show you why. [shoves SpongeBob's face into his window looking at the pink starfish] See him? He's from the library. He knows about my overdue books. [SpongeBob gasps] Uh-huh. Which means I'm gonna get thrown into the big house. And you know what that means...
  • SpongeBob: Small portion meals?
  • Patrick: Exactly! [crying]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, don't you worry. I got your back, man. [later, SpongeBob approaches the starfish outside] Hi there.
  • Starfish: Salutations, young one. Say, you wouldn't happen to know that starfish that lives under this rock, would you?
  • SpongeBob: Huh? No, I don't know any starfish. Even if I did know this "alleged" starfish, Patrick wouldn't owe any overdue library books. [SpongeBob slams his hands over his mouth]
  • Starfish: [chuckles] Well, it's too bad you don't know Patrick Star, because I am from the Royal Ministry, and have a gift for him. [takes out a crown]
  • Patrick: [runs through SpongeBob's wall] Ooh, what is it? [takes it and tries to bite and lick it] This is the worst-tasting gift ever!
  • Starfish: That's because you're suppose to wear it, not eat it. Allow me to show you something. [the starfish searches around in his pants] Let's see here. Aha! What I hold in my hands is a family tree that goes back centuries. It starts with the marriage of King Amoeba and Queen Mildew. Then, through a few inbred generations, ends at you, Sir Patrick, which makes you a descendant of royalty. You are a king. And now it's time I adjourn to the Royal Ministry, where I should be at your service. Your Highness. [the starfish bows and leaves]
  • SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, that's great!
  • Patrick: What is?
  • SpongeBob: That you're king!
  • Patrick: What's a king?
  • SpongeBob: When you're a king, you can get anything you want.
  • Patrick: Anything I want? [stomach grumbles] SpongeBob, do you think we can get something to eat?
  • SpongeBob: Your wish is my command, your majesty. [laughing. Cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on] Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king. [Patrick enters, wearing his crown and a royal cloak]
  • Patrick: King needs food badly.
  • Mr. Krabs: What's this all ab... [gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes] Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?
  • SpongeBob: The king would like...
  • Mr. Krabs: Zip it, SquarePants... I'm talking to the rich guy.
  • Patrick: I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...
  • Mr. Krabs: I've got a better idea. [cut to a bunch of food on the table and Patrick chewing loudly] A buffet fit for a king.
  • Patrick: [belches] Tasty.
  • Mr. Krabs: Listen, Patrick, there comes a time in every man's life when he's got to settle down. You know, get a wife, kids, a father-in-law you give all your money to.
  • Patrick: Uh-huh, that sounds great. Hey, can I get a little more ketchup?
  • Mr. Krabs: How about you pay the check, instead?
  • Patrick: Oh sorry, Mr Krabs, no can do. As king of Bikini Bottom, I am allowed to have anything I want. Isn't that right, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: That is correct. Anything you want, and it's all free.
  • Mr. Krabs: All free?!!? [kicks them out] Nobody eats in me restaurant for free, king or no king! [Harold walks out with drink and patty]
  • Patrick: Are you gonna eat that?
  • Harold: I was planning to, why?
  • Patrick: I want it. [takes it]
  • Harold: Hey! What gives you the right to take my food?
  • Patrick: Tell him, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, Pat, I'm not sure this is what being king is all about.
  • Patrick: I thought you said I could have anything I want. Was my bestest friend lying to me?
  • SpongeBob: [chuckles] Don't be ridiculous, Patrick. I'd never lie to you.
  • Patrick: Good! Now tell him.
  • SpongeBob: Hi. By proclamation of the Royal Ministry, the king is entitled to get whatever he wants. [chuckles]
  • Harold: This isn't fair. [walks off]
  • Patrick: Life isn't fair, pal. Get used to it.
  • Fish: I finally did it! At long last, I've acquired issue #2 of Wonder Space Fish, and in mint condition. Now my 40 year-old life and my comic book collection are complete. Mom's gonna be so proud of me. [bumps into Patrick]
  • Patrick: No, she won't be, because these comic books are mine!
  • Fish: But, I've spent my entire life collecting those.
  • Patrick: Yeah, well, now you can spend the rest of your life crying about it. I'm the king!
  • Fish: I will cry about it. [crying] Cry right to my mom! [cries]
  • Patrick: [laughs] I love being king.
  • [Cut to the jewelery store where the owner is examining a diamond. SpongeBob then shows him the decree and he gives it to Patrick, who puts it in his belly button. Then, SpongeBob takes some lollipops from some kids and Patrick starts licking them. Then SpongeBob shows the decree to Martha Smith, who sadly gives her baby to Patrick, who then takes out the baby's dummy and gives the wailing baby back to her. Then Patrick takes a plunger, a toaster, and dentures. Soon, a long line of people are standing with things to give to Patrick in front of his rock, which now has a castle tower fixed to it]
  • SpongeBob: Ok, thank you, sir. I'm sure King Patrick could use this walker.
  • Old Man Jenkins: I hope so. Neptune knows I did. [falls over] Oof!
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Yes, sire?
  • Patrick: [slurping a drink and reading a magazine] I need your opinion on something. Do you think the giant flat-screen TV should go over the fancy egg display or the indoor swimming pool? [cut to Squidward sleeping then waking up to birds chirping and the sun shining]
  • Squidward: Hello, sunshine. [chuckles then yawns as he walks over to his window] What a beautiful morning. Just perfect. [Squidward falls over from side to side in his house. Patrick is using a crane to move Squidward's house out of the way]
  • Patrick: Back. Back. Okay. Yeah, that's good. [crane drops the house] Perfect. [Squidward climbs out of his upstairs window]
  • Squidward: [stuttering] My-my-my house. What's happened to my...huh? [he sees SpongeBob and Patrick. He growls their names] SpongeBob, Patrick.[explodes] What the barnacles is going on here?! Look at what you've done. Look at my poor front yard.
  • Patrick: Your front yard?
  • SpongeBob: Umm, his royal highness is building a royal Ferris Wheel.
  • Squidward: Ferris Wheel?
  • SpongeBob: I know, isn't it great?
  • Squidward: No, it's not great! It's horrible. Oh, that's it. Stop! People of Bikini Bottom, stop! Stop! Patrick's no king. Look at him. How can this pink blob be king?
  • Patrick: [looking stupidly] Uh...
  • Squidward: You. Do you honestly believe that that mindless starfish can possibly be the king of anything? [Patrick puts his hand in his mouth] King of Morons, maybe.
  • Crowd: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [Crowd members form a mob.]
  • Worker: He might be on to something.
  • Squidward: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, see? Uh-huh. See?
  • Man: Why are we giving this guy all our stuff? [The crowd angrily walks away.]
  • Squidward: See? See? You're not a king. And now, they all think so, [long pause] too!
  • Patrick: [enraged] Get him! Attack! Attack! [panting] SpongeBob, get him! So I decree. Attack!
  • SpongeBob: Uh, right away, your majesty. Umm, Squidward?
  • Squidward: [gritting his teeth] What?
  • SpongeBob: Umm, could I get you to sign this treaty promising your eternal loyalty to King Patrick?
  • Squidward: [takes decree] Give me that! A treaty, huh? Well, here's what I think of your treaty! [he rolls it up and throws it away. Cut to inside Patrick's castle where SpongeBob has the treaty stuck in his forehead]
  • Patrick: [rage takes over] My royal subjects have deserted me. And it's all 'cause of that horrible Squidward. This is all his fault. His, his, not mine, his! [crackling, bangs]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what's happened to you?
  • Patrick: I don't know what you mean.
  • SpongeBob: Uh... [laughs] You know, Mr Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and...
  • Patrick: And what...
  • SpongeBob: [intimidated of Patrick's rage] Um,'s just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk.
  • Patrick: Huh? [laughs] I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power.
  • SpongeBob: Uh...well, I...
  • Patrick: [explodes] Who's saying I'm abusing my POWER!?! [SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick rips off his cloak] I'll put the whole town in prison! [SpongeBob runs away] Questioning my authority is treason! All these kingly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink. SpongeBob? [claps twice] SpongeBob?! Huh. Gee, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself! [walks by the mirror, and his reflection looks like a monster]
  • Mirror: Knock knock.
  • Patrick: Huh? [gasps] A knock knock joke! [he runs back to the mirror] Who's there?
  • Mirror: You.
  • Patrick and Mirror: I don't get it.
  • Mirror: I'm you and you are me. [a wire in Patrick's head connects and short circuits]
  • Patrick and Mirror: [screams] What have I become?! [Patrick races out of his rock]
  • Patrick: Aaah, help! Monster! Monster! [he bumps into the Royal Ministry starfish] Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! [he thrusts the crown at the starfish] Here, here, take it. I don't want it anymore. It's turned me into a monster.
  • Starfish: Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. [Patrick is shaking and whimpering] You haven't a clue what I just told you, do you?
  • Patrick: No. Uh-uh.
  • Starfish: Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all.
  • Patrick: Huh?
  • Starfish: [takes out family history] I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, reveals that Sir Gary is the true heir to the king's crown. [he removes the stain to show Gary's picture on the family history parchment. Cut to Gary having a crown put on his head, SpongeBob and Patrick dressed in medieval clothes]
  • SpongeBob: Well, would you look at that. Gary, you're royalty!
  • Gary: [smiles] Meow?

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