SpongeBob:[runs outside to retrieve the newspaper] Gary, the paper's here! [Gary comes out on a motorized skateboard. SpongeBob gives him the paper but keeps the rubber band] You can have this, buddy. 'Cause all I need is the entertainment section! [shakes the rubber band around for emphasis. Hums while he stretches the rubber band around the middle of his body and snaps it together, turning him into a bowtie-like shape] I am a happy sponge! [runs around, laughing, while Gary is reading the paper]
Gary:[looking slightly annoyed by SpongeBob by rolling his eyes] Meow. [SpongeBob runs into Patrick, who also has a rubber band stretched around him]
Patrick: I see you got the paper. [ his rubber band snaps off]
SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Patrick. [ then his rubber band snaps off as well. Patrick clears his throat] Well, I'd better get going!
Patrick: Yep, see you later. [both walk off but then hear a chirping sound and they both quickly run back, with their hands over their ears]
SpongeBob and Patrick: What did you say?
Patrick: Well I didn't say anything.
SpongeBob: I didn't say anything, either.
SpongeBob and Patrick: See you later then. [both walk off again and the squeaking noise is heard again so both run back. This time they are angry]
SpongeBob:[Pointing at Patrick] Alright, quit messing with me, I know you said something.
Patrick: Ah, but it is you [points] that is messing with me. [both look down to see the squeaking noise is coming from a shaking branch. Patrick points downward. ] That's what's messing with us!
SpongeBob: It's a baby scallop.
Patrick:[lifts up his foot with a threatening look on his face] I'll take care of this!
SpongeBob: No, Patrick! It's totally helpless. [takes the baby scallop in his hands] It looks like he can't even fly yet.
Patrick: What's the matter, is he stupid?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he's just a baby. [close-up of the chirping scallop in SpongeBob's hands] He's all alone with no one to take care of him.
Patrick: Well, we can't just leave him out here.
SpongeBob: You're right. Come on, let's take him into the pineapple. [both run in and set the baby scallop on the ground] Hmmm, let's see, we need a box for him to sleep in. [SpongeBob removes his pants and sets it in front of the scallop] There you go. It's the best seat in the house. [scene cuts to Gary does a rimshot]
Patrick: Let me see! [Patrick sticks his whole head inside SpongeBob's pants] Hey, he's kinda cute. Uh-oh! [takes his head out, which is now eaten on the side] I think somebody's hungry!
SpongeBob:[takes out Junior and speaks in baby-talk to it] Is it true? Are you hungry?
SpongeBob: I've got just the thing. [puts Junior on a barrel and takes out a Krabby Patty] How would you like a Krabby Patty? [Junior yelps]
Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, are you crazy? That's not the right food for a little fella like him!
SpongeBob: Of course not. I don't know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty. [shows Junior a minuscule Krabby Patty]
Junior:[sniffs the patty, then sticks his tongue out] Blech!
SpongeBob: Huh? No one's ever turned down one of these before. [gobbles it and gulps it down]
Patrick:[holds up a donut] Let's try a donut. [Junior hisses]
SpongeBob: French fries?
Junior:[shaking his head] Unh-unh.
Patrick:[eating the donut] A donut? [Junior blows a raspberry]
SpongeBob:[holds up an apple] All we have left is this apple! [a worm pokes its head out of the apple]
Worm: Hello sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World! [Junior jumps in the air in excitement]
SpongeBob: Of course, scallops love worms! [picks up the worm]
Worm: Huh, wait! We will bury you! [SpongeBob drops it in Junior's mouth]
SpongeBob: Well, you should be good for the rest of the... [Junior cries]
Patrick: What now?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Aww, don't cry.
Patrick: Do something, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Uhh...uhh...uhh... Blah-blah-blah, look at the funny face! Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, look at the funny face! [shows SpongeBob has a puppet that looks like him on his hand] Look at the funny face!
Patrick: Wait! I think I might know the problem. [picks up Junior and looks at him] Yep, that's it alright. [hides it behind his back] Hold on just one second. There he is, good as new. [Junior has a diaper on]
SpongeBob: How did you know?
Patrick: How do you think? [drops his pants showing that he is wearing a diaper] And I've been doing it all by myself for almost a year.
SpongeBob: Wow, I'm sure glad you're here.
Patrick: I know, good thing there's two of us.
SpongeBob: You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah! At least until it's old enough to be on its own! Oh, I wanna be the mom!
SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
Patrick: You're right. If I was a mom...[the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form]...this would be kind of shocking. [lifts his arms, revealing armpit hair] Just call me Daddy!
Patrick:[softly, from inside the house] It sure is cute when it's asleep.
SpongeBob:[softly, from inside the house] Yeah. [SpongeBob and Patrick watch Junior sleeping] Shh! [both tiptoe out of the room]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob? [goes to what appears to be the right side of the bed]
SpongeBob:[goes to what appears to be the left side] Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.
SpongeBob: Me neither.
[scene zooms out, revealing that Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top]
Patrick: Well, good night, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. [SpongeBob's mattress slams shut on top of Patrick. Scene cuts to morning] Patrick, breakfast is ready! [SpongeBob is cooking something over at the grill as Patrick walks in, noticing the bunch of food that is on the table]
Patrick: Alright! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table up as all the food slides down into mouth. He burps then pats Junior] Hey Junior, how are you doing today? [smells an odor from Junior] SpongeBob? [adjusts his tie]
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: Kid's got a stinky.
SpongeBob:[doing many chores at the same time] Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. [Patrick guzzles down the coffee as Junior begins to cry]
Patrick:[drinking coffee] Ahh! Wish I could, but I gotta get going.
SpongeBob: Going? Where are you going?
Patrick:[puts on a suit and takes his briefcase] I'm goin' to work. I'm the dad, remember?
SpongeBob: You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?
Patrick: I'll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don't you two stop being adorable. [chuckles as he closes the door]
SpongeBob: Ok. [chuckles weakly. Day turns into night and Patrick walks in and takes his jacket and hat off]
Patrick: Phew, what a day.
SpongeBob: Oh great, you're home! Now you can help me with the baby.
Patrick: Aw, gee, SpongeBob, I'd love to but I'm totally beat from work.
SpongeBob: Huh? [Patrick sits down and watches TV]
Patrick:[laughs] That guy got hit in the head with a coconut!
SpongeBob:[walks in still doing the chores] Patrick, what about my break?
Patrick: Oh yeah, your break. Uh, tomorrow, I promise.
SpongeBob: Uhh, ok, tomorrow.
Narrator: Tomorrow... [scene cuts to Patrick walking in at night and taking his stuff off]
Patrick: Phew, another tough day! [walks by SpongeBob, who is still doing the same chores from yesterday]
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I'm so glad you're home after working all day. I can't wait for my break!
Patrick: Work was a killer! I need my chair. [sits down and watches TV again]
SpongeBob:[walks in still doing chores] Patrick, I really need my...
Patrick: Tomorrow for sure.
Narrator: Tomorrow for sure... [scene cuts to a tired SpongeBob doing the same chores as Patrick walks by]
Patrick: I'll get to it eventually...
Narrator: Eventually... [scene cuts to SpongeBob still doing the chores but even more tired]
Narrator: Uhhh... [scene cuts to Patrick watching TV as SpongeBob walks in and turns on the lights]
SpongeBob: Patrick Star, we need to talk.
Patrick: Just one more minute, I gotta...
SpongeBob: Don't 'one more minute' me, Mr. Man! [turns off the TV]
Patrick: Hey, I'm missin' the coconut!
SpongeBob: You haven't been helping at all with Junior! [pulls in baby stroller] We made a commitment and you're not doing your share! You never do anything.
Patrick: I changed his diaper!
SpongeBob: Yeah, once.
Patrick: He's only this big. [shows with his hands on how big Junior is] How many diapers could he possibly use?
SpongeBob:[opens up a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
Patrick: Oh, that's not that much.
SpongeBob:[points over to the corner of the room where there are two bags and a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
SpongeBob:[opens up the refrigerator, full of diapers] Hmmm? [pulls the cover off the couch, revealing it to be diapers] Hmmm? [tears the wallpaper off the wall, revealing a bunch of diapers behind it] Hmmm!? [points outside to a garbage truck loading a bunch of diapers into the dumpster. Patrick quivers at the sight of it]
Patrick:[his eyes fill with tears] I have no idea! What kind of a father am I?! Oh! [sobs as he looks at SpongeBob] I'll make it up to you, buddy. I promise! [scene cuts to next day]
SpongeBob: So, what's the plan for the day?
Patrick: No more foolin' around. From now on, I'm Super-Dad! I'll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big ol' stinky diaper for me to change, and you can take the night off, pal!
SpongeBob:[gives Patrick his briefcase] Great, so I'll see you at six o'clock.
Patrick: Six o'clock.
SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
Patrick: Six o'clock.
SpongeBob:[waving] Six o'clock.
Patrick:[waving] Six o'clock.
SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
Patrick: Six o'clock. [cuts to a time card]
Narrator: 12:00 midnight.
[Patrick walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light]
Patrick: Oh, that was some party! [SpongeBob is standing there, tapping his foot] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. What? What?
SpongeBob: Oh, nothing.
Patrick: Oh, what a relief. [takes the lampshade off his head and puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.
SpongeBob:[takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
Patrick: Somethin' about root beer, right?
SpongeBob:[takes a deep breath, flatly] No.
Patrick: Oh wait, wait, let me guess. I give up.
SpongeBob: Does... [imitates Patrick in a mocking tone with a goofy look on his face] "You can take the night off, pal!" [normal voice] ...ring a bell?
Patrick:[raspberry] I don't need this. [walks outside]
SpongeBob: What? Where do you think you're going?
Patrick:[opens his rock] I'm going back to work. [gets in and closes his rock]
SpongeBob: Work?! [growls and rips off his hairpiece]
[Cut to SpongeBob, not wearing his mother-like clothing anymore, walking outside to Patrick's rock. He opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV]
Patrick:[a "clonk" sound is heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
SpongeBob:[angry] So! This is work?
Patrick: You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, [looks at his rear] and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
SpongeBob:[sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing! By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [he pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]
Patrick:[quietly but furiously] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime?
[SpongeBob is enraged. He balls his fists and fumes so hard, his entire body shakes. Then he loses it and goes ballistic on Patrick, and his face morphs into a stereotypical Asian face with lots of teeth.]
SpongeBob:[Screaming intensely] Overtime?!
[SpongeBob jumps into Patrick's rock, and they both begin to argue intensely.]