Ripped Pants/transcript

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• [Pan across Goo Lagoon]
• Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon. A stinky mud puddle to you and me. But to the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom, a wonderful, stinky mud puddle. [SpongeBob and Sandy sit enjoying the beach. SpongeBob sighs]
• SpongeBob: What a great day. [he runs off] Hey, Sandy! Look! [he is now covered in a mound of sand] I'm Sandy! [Sandy laughs. SpongeBob forms sand around his head and nose to look like Squidward and imitates his voice] Hey Sandy, who am I? [Sandy still laughs. SpongeBob picks up a sand phone] Hello, SpongeBob. Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring. [Sandy continues laughing]
• Sandy: SpongeBob! [a doorbell rings, SpongeBob walks in carrying sand pizza boxes and wearing a sand hat]
• SpongeBob: Did anyone order twenty pepperoni and sand pizzas? [SpongeBob and Sandy laugh together. Larry walks up]
• Larry: Hey, Sandy. Hey, SpongeBob.
• Sandy: Hey, Larry.
• Larry: You guys wanna go lift some weights?
• Sandy: Sure. [she and Larry walk off] Well come on, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob's sand pizzas fall flat as he walks on dejectedly]
• SpongeBob: [disappointingly] Coming. [Cut to a group of weightlifters, each grunting as they work out. Larry turns to Sandy]
• Larry: Give it a try, Sandy. [Sandy stands in front of a weight. She picks it up, grunting as she does so. The crowd cheers for her, and she throws the weight down]
• SpongeBob: Good job, Sandy. Well, that's about enough for today, don't you think? [SpongeBob tries to walk off]
• Larry: How about a little more weight? [Larry bends down to pick up a weight heavier than Sandy's] Observe. [Larry grunts as he picks it up, his eyes bulging, and veins stick out from his neck. The crowd cheers, and Larry throws the weight down]
• SpongeBob: All right, stand back, everyone. [SpongeBob picks up a single twig from the ground. The crowd is silent. He sinks into the sand. Sandy walks to a weight]
• Sandy: Y'all watch this! [Sandy picks up an anchor weight. The crowd cheers for her, but stop when they realize Larry has lifted the spectator stands] Way to go, Larry! [SpongeBob burrows into the sand, and tunnels over to a fish picnicking next to a marshmallow sack]
• SpongeBob: Could I borrow a couple of these?
• Fish: [through his marshmallow-filled mouth] Mm-hmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth. SpongeBob takes two marshmallows and places them on the twig] And now, with the addition of two, count 'em, two marshmallows. [SpongeBob preps himself for his lift, inhales deeply, takes hold of the twig, and is unable to lift it. The crowd isn't moved. He tries again. And again. After a huge effort, SpongeBob hears a rip. He looks down and notices that he's ripped his pants. The crowd gasps, then laughs at SpongeBob. SpongeBob scuttles off, embarrassed. Scooter walks over, laughing]
• Scooter: THAT was too funny. [he slaps SpongeBob on the back] YOU are hilarious!
• Sandy: Ain't he the funniest little Sponge you ever saw? [SpongeBob grins widely. Cut to Larry]
• Larry: Anybody up for some volleyball? [the ball volleys back and forth, until Larry spikes it into some fish and the crowd cheers for him. SpongeBob looks at him in contempt. A fish serves the ball and as Larry is about to hit it, SpongeBob interferes]
• SpongeBob: I got it! [the ball falls and SpongeBob tries to serve it] Incoming! [the serve misses and the crowd boos. He bends down to pick the ball up and rips his pants] Oops, I guess I ripped my pants again! [the crowd laughs. Scooter walks in laughing again]
• Scooter: Once again, dude, [he slaps SpongeBob on the back] YOU have split my sides! [he continues to laugh. Cut to a Frisbee. Larry catches it and throws it to Sandy]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
• Sandy: OK, here it comes! [SpongeBob stands still and lets the Frisbee hit him on the head, knocking him over]
• SpongeBob: I could use a hand here! [he laughs. Sandy walks over and helps him up]
• Sandy: You okay, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: I guess so... [he does a handstand, revealing his pants] ...except I ripped my pants! [the crowd laughs, and Scooter walks up to SpongeBob once again]
• Scooter: You still got it, dude! [he slaps SpongeBob on the back again. Cut to SpongeBob and Sandy walking to an ice cream vendor]
• Lou Vendor: May I help you?
• SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.
• Lou: Uh, we don't have that.
• SpongeBob: That's okay. I already split my pants! Get it? [Sandy giggles]
• Lou: [annoyed] Tee-hee. Anything else?
• SpongeBob: How about ripple? [he does so, Sandy giggles again] No, thanks, already got one! [Sandy drops laughing and SpongeBob happily bounces off to a snack bar. SpongeBob runs up to Harold, knocking his drink over] Is that a burger you're eating?
• Harold: Why, yes, it is.
• SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?
• Harold: No, what?
• SpongeBob: [whispers] Ripped... pants. [SpongeBob smiles widely and shows the annoyed Harold his ripped pants. SpongeBob then runs around the snack bar, laughing. He comes up in-between two fish] Ripped pants a la mode! [he rips his pants, the fish are annoyed. Cut to SpongeBob being in the kitchen of the snack bar, next to the fry cook] Delivery! Did you order twenty cases of ripped pants? [SpongeBob shoves his behind through the box, revealing his ripped pants. He laughs. The fry cook groans disgustedly. Cut to a broadcasting booth over looking the lagoon]
• Perch Perkins: Surf's up in the Goo Lagoon. [fish are surfing. Close-up of Perch Perkins] And here comes Larry, doing his trademark lay-back. [cut to Larry lying on his surfboard] There goes Sandy, hanging ten... fingers, that is. [cut to Sandy doing a handstand on her surfboard] There goes SpongeBob... [rip] ripping his pants again. [Perch Perkins is annoyed, then cut to SpongeBob ripping his pants on his surfboard. A wave knocks SpongeBob off his surfboard and washes him up on the beach]
• Lifeguard: Hey, look! A cardboard box washed up on the beach. [he takes a closer look through his telescope] Holy fish paste! It's a guy! [he sprints over to SpongeBob and flips him over] Why?! WHY?! WHHHHHYYYY?!!!!!!! [a crowd gathers around SpongeBob and the lifeguard]
• Sandy: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [to lifeguard] Come closer. [a divine light shines on him] I need... I need...
• Lifeguard: What do you need? [tears come to the lifeguard's and Sandy's eyes]
• SpongeBob: [pats the lifeguard on the shoulder. Close up of SpongeBob's mouth] A tailor. [the light turns off, accompanied by a light switch] Because I ripped my pants! [he laughs. The lifeguard takes a serious face, drops SpongeBob, and the crowd surrounding him walks off, angrily. SpongeBob is left alone and Sandy walks up to him]
• Sandy: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick! [she walks off. Scooter walks towards SpongeBob and looks at him sadly]
• Scooter: Dude... [he walks off. Cut to a dressing tent, with SpongeBob inside]
• SpongeBob: [thinking] Come on, SpongeBob, you're losing them! Think! Your public's waiting. [speaking] Let's see... [checking them off a list] "Lifting weights - big laugh," "Frisbee in face - kills," "Surfing - knocks 'em dead," "Pretending to drown," [he uses his pencil to write the word "NO" and circle it] NO. Come on, think! I got it! Hey, everybody! [he runs out of the dressing tent] Not ripped pants! [he tears his pants off] Pants ripped off. Huh? Someone call the police. There's a pants thief on the loose! [the wind howls, SpongeBob standing alone on the beach. A tumbleweed rolls by. SpongeBob turns and hears party music at a distance, and sees Larry and Sandy playing volleyball] Oh, no, everybody's gone, even Sandy. She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [SpongeBob lies on the beach] We blew it, pants.
• Pants: What do you mean, "we"? [the pants walk off, leaving SpongeBob alone]
• SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach?! [Millie walks up to SpongeBob, shining red]
• Millie: No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. [she places a fin on herself, and it leaves a sounding mark, which vanishes]
• SpongeBob: Ouch. [a fish walks up to the two]
• Fish: No, I am. I got sand in my buns. [he shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand]
• Whale: No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.
• All: What happened to you?
• SpongeBob: I lost my best friend.
• All: How? [SpongeBob grabs a sand guitar and sings]
• SpongeBob: When I ripped... [rip] my pants. [he starts to sing] I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance, all just because I [rip] ripped my pants. [the other three "losers of the beach" assemble on a sand stage with sand instruments and sing]
• All: ♪When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and [rip] ripped his pants.♪
• SpongeBob: [singing voice, a crowd begins to gather] ♪I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse... cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun...♪
• All: ♪Or sand in your buns!♪ [instrumental break, then the curtain shows waves crashing about]
• SpongeBob: ♪Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget...so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself; don't miss your chance...and you won't end up like the fool...who...ripped...his...pants!♪ [the whole group comes together one by one in sync with the music and rip their pants. By now, a huge crowd has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with SpongeBob's name on it]
• Sandy: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Sandy! [she jumps onstage and hugs SpongeBob]
• Sandy: Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself. [Larry walks up]
• Larry: SpongeBob, that was so righteous. Would you... sign my pants?
• SpongeBob: Absolutely, buddy. [SpongeBob bends down to sign Larry's pants. His underpants rip off, leaving SpongeBob nude. Someone off-screen whistles]