[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs pops out of the front door and sniffs around.]
Mr. Krabs: Nope. Nothing. [walks back in] I can't smell a cent or a dollar. Or any money in a 5-mile radius. We might as well settle down early. [Squidward squeals in joy. Mr. Krabs points to Dennis at his table] Just as soon as that guy finishes his meal.
Squidward: You mean the guy who's been nursing a single fry for the last hour?
Mr. Krabs: When he goes, you can go. [Mr. Krabs walks off as Squidward bashes his head on the register in disgust.]
Squidward: Grr! [Squidward walks up to Dennis who is sucking on his French fry] Excuse me, sir. But you seem to be having trouble masticating. Here let me help you. [Squidward shoves the French fry in Dennis' mouth and makes him chew it until he swallows it. Dennis gets up and leaves.] What? No tip? Finally! Yes! [walks out the door] Leaving early! I can't believe this is finally happening! [Suddenly, the sky turns black and rain starts to pour. The wind blows the flags off the Krusty Krab. A bolt of lightning strikes the Krusty Krab sign and the shell breaks off. The wind blows a bulldozer and breaks the sign pole off the ground. Then lightning strikes Squidward, leaving him barbecued. Squidward runs back into the restaurant.] Cause it's not.
Mr. Krabs: Oh my! That's quite a storm! You know, a storm like this puts me in the mind of me old navy days.
SpongeBob: Old navy days?! Ohh!
Mr. Krabs: That gives me a fine idea, SpongeBob. Since it looks we're gonna be stuck here for a while, why don't you pull up a barrel, me laddies? While I retell you a thrillin' tale of me mysterious salty past. [Squidward, who is barbecued from the storm, turns to dust. Then it cuts to SpongeBob and Squidward sitting at a table as Mr. Krabs brings a bowl.] There, now. The lights are properly dimmed. [pulls out an open, cracker box] Feast yourself on these slightly expired soda crackies [dumps the cube of stale crackers from the box and on the table. The cube shatters the bowl] as I explain ya the yarn that puts hair on your chest.
Squidward: I don't want any hair on my chest.
SpongeBob: Ooh, I do! [SpongeBob takes the cube of stale crackers, shoves it in his mouth and eats it.]
Mr. Krabs: It was a day just like this one. The wind was howling! [As Mr. Krabs begins his story, the scene changes to a ship sailing through a storm at sea.] And me ship was being tossed about, like a rag doll on a trampoline! [The scene changes to the moment where Mr. Krabs, who had hair at that time, was a chef.] I was in the galley! Cooking up grub for me crew to keep their mind off this horrible squall! [Mr. Krabs chops some vegetables and made a salad. Then he peels a potato and adds it to the soup on the stove. He then takes a petal from a flower and adds it to the soup. Then he added some spices which formed in the shape of a heart and flies in the soup.] It was just then that he bursts into the galley!
SpongeBob: Who he?
Mr. Krabs: The man whose mission was to make my life a living nightmare! [As Mr. Krabs explains, SpongeBob takes the cracker box and eats some more stale crackers. He then eats the box next.] The roughest, toughest, scaliest old barnacle that ever roamed the briny deep! He was me commandin' officer and he loathe me with the white, hot hatred of a psychotic madman! [changes back to the ship] They called him, [A starfish that resembles Patrick Star bursts through the galley door in a captain outfit with a scar on the right side of his face] Captain Scarfish!
Captain Scarfish: Hello!
SpongeBob: Ahh! [cuts back to Mr. Krabs putting frosting on the cake. Scarfish's entrance scares him and accidentally melts the cake with the frosting.]
Captain Scarfish: Stand at attention, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs walks up and salutes the captain in fear.] I want you to tell me the meaning of this! [Scarfish shows him a sandwich on a plate.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that sir? Why sir, that's a sea-cucumber sandwich, sir, with the crusts cut off, sir. A little booshie-amusie for the boys, sir. [Scarfish throws the sandwich away.]
Captain Scarfish: This is the navy, son! We don't cut the crusts off! We eat the crusts and throw the rest away! [Scarfish opens a trunk full of dangerous, moldy crusts and starts craving on it.]
Mr. Krabs: But that's... That's madness! [Mr. Krabs tabs on the captain's shoulder. The captain turns around as he is chewing on the moldy crusts. He swallows the crusts.]
Captain Scarfish: I'm telling you for the last time! You're gonna have to stop making your food so delicious!
Mr. Krabs: But I don't know how!
Captain Scarfish: Well, you better figure it out! I need my men [stretches his face] wide-eyed and hungry, Krabs! We've got a cargo-hold full of suntan lotion! And... [Squidward interrupts]
Squidward: Wait, you were transporting suntan lotion? [laughs] What SPF? [continues laughing]
Mr. Krabs: I don't see what's so amusing about that, Mr. Squidward. We were a cargo ship [cuts back to the ship sailing in pirate territory where a sailor is swabbing the deck] heading straight into pirate territory with a fresh supply of suntan lotion for shipwreck sailors whose skin was chafed. [Squidward yawns] Chafed, Mr. Squidward!
SpongeBob: Chafed! [cuts back to ship]
Captain Scarfish: Chafed!
Mr. Krabs: Aye, sir! I understand, sir! Chafed!
Captain Scarfish: So, tonight's meal is gonna be terrible! You understand, me?!
Mr. Krabs: Aye, sir!
Captain Scarfish: The worst you've ever made!
Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye, sir!
Captain Scarfish:[turns around and pulls his shirt up. As he talks, his back forms a shape of a steel bar on his back] The kind of slop that will put some steel in their spines!
Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye, sir!
Captain Scarfish: Either that or I'll throw you in the brig! [Scarfish walks away]
Mr. Krabs: Yes, sir. [cuts to the captain's crew sitting at the table waiting for their food. Mr. Krabs walks in the dining room with the slop.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't "huzzah" yet, boys.
Lou: What's on the menu tonight, eh?
Mr. Krabs: Slop. [The crew laughs]
Lou: Oh, slop, eh? Good one! Why don't you put some of that delicious slop right here on my... [Mr. Krabs dishes up some slop on Lou's plate] Oh. I bet it's one of those things that looks bad, but it tastes really... [Lou tastes the slop but swallows it in disgust.] Bad.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sorry boys. [Mr. Krabs dishes the slop to the other sailors. He groans while serving the food.] Captain's orders. [Unfortunately, the crew doesn't like the slop and looks at Mr. Krabs in anger. Mr. Krabs becomes fed up with the captain's cruel orders.] Oh, I can't stand it! [Turns around and suits up like a soldier going for battle.] I don't care what the captain says! [He hits the service cart and turns the slop into pizza dough. He flips the dough a couple times and chops it up with a spatula, which then turns into a more, delectable meal for the crew.]
Crew:[gasps] Huzzah! Huzzah for Mr. Krabs! Huzzah! [Suddenly, Captain Scarfish bursts in, ruining the moment.]
Captain Scarfish: What's all this "huzzahing" about?!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, nothing sir! Uh, they just really enjoy eating slop! Don't you, boys? [The crew mushes the delectable meal into slop to hide it from the captain.]
Captain Scarfish: Attention! [The crew salutes in fear. Captain Scarfish examines the food.] Looks like slop alright. But what's this? [Shows a bowl full of ice cream with raspberry syrup and a cherry.]
Mr. Krabs: Cherries jubilee.
Crew: Cherries jubilee!
Captain Scarfish: Cherries jubilee?!
Mr. Krabs: Well, flaming cherries jubilee.
Captain Scarfish: Flaming?! What are you trying to pull, you lubber? This looks like regular cherries jubilee!
Mr. Krabs: Well, you see, sir, I was just gonna take this here match and... [Lights a match and blows the flame on the cherries jubilee. This sets it on fire and the captain is burned in the face. The scene changes to Mr. Krabs locked in a prison cell.] And so, I found meself in the brig with two guards watching me every move. [A strange shadow appears on the wall next to the cell.] The one was as brutal and ugly a bounder as you ever wish to see in your darkest nightmare! [The shadow gets smaller and reveals to be a guard that looks like Squidward who is playing his clarinet.]
Octopus Sailor: Grr, what are you looking at? [The Octopus Sailor skips away as he continues playing his clarinet. As he skips away, a guard that looks like SpongeBob named Ensign is sitting, playing with a toy boat.]
Mr. Krabs: But I thought I could dupe the other one sure than need a rise. [The SpongeBob guard puts the boat toy in his head and forms a race track with his tongue. The boat slides out and the Ensign giggles. The scene changes back to SpongeBob laughing.]
SpongeBob: Gee, Mr. Krabs. That second guard sounds like a real goofball.
Mr. Krabs: I managed to worm some useful information out of him right away. You see, he was an aspiring cook and I talked him into seeking some things down into the brig for me. The tombs of me trade you might say. [The scene changes to the SpongeBob guard making something out of cotton candy.] I set him to work on a sponge-sugared cathedral that took up most of his attention. [Mr. Krabs takes some cotton candy and makes a key out of it.] He never suspected that I was using the scraps to fashion a candy-key. Where's your sourpuss friend tonight?
Ensign: Sick in bed like all the men. The captain's been feeding them nothing but moldy, old sandwich crusts. [Ensign makes cotton candy from the machine.] They've all got terrible bellyaches. But not me, though. I cook for myself.
Mr. Krabs: Wise lad. [Mr. Krabs finishes making the candy-key as Ensign eats some cotton candy. This gives him a major league sugar rush.] And so, after a few hours of bouncing off the walls, the sugar finally wore off. [Ensign stops bouncing around and quickly falls asleep.] And soon, he was napping like a baby. This was me chance to use me sweet key to freedom. [Mr. Krabs goes to unlock himself out of his cell, but thinks for a minute and looks at Captain Scarfish's picture.] But did I dare take it? I'd be in violation of the naval code. Then something happened that made me mind up for me. [A cannonball appears out of nowhere and hits the wall.] Pirates! We were under attack! [Mr. Krabs frees himself from his cell.] I had to act fast! [He picks up Ensign and shakes him.] Wake up, lad! Wake up! Man your battle stations! [Ensign falls back to sleep. Mr. Krabs runs to the sickbay to get help, but the Octopus Sailor and the entire crew were to sick and weak to do anything.] I was on me own. [Mr. Krabs takes a telescope and sees a pirate ship and an island with the shipwreck sailors on it.] I could see it all. A pirate ship! And on that island: a crew of five naval men! Our only hope, marooned on a beach by those same scurvy pirates! [He imagines them being flipped and sizzled in a frying pan.] And suffered from the effects of chafe! Sunburn! [Then a boat with pirates are shown rowing towards the cargo ship. On the boat, their captain looks a lot like Sandy Cheeks.] The pirates had already launched a boat and were preparing to board our vessel!
Pirate Captain: Row, you worthless dogs!
Captain Scarfish:[Captain Scarfish bursts through the door.] Stand down, Krabs! I'll have you on irons! [He holds up two irons with steam coming out from the bottoms.]
Mr. Krabs: Listen to me, Captain! This is gonna get real ugly real fast! We've got to get to the cannons!
Captain Scarfish: We're not outfitted for battle, Krabs! There's no ammunition! The cannons are ornamental at best! [He shows a fancy-looking gold cannon with a candlestick holder on it.] Ornamental at best!
Mr. Krabs: Then listen carefully! We'll have to go down to the cargo-hold and poke holes in the barrels of suntan lotion and scuttle the ship!
Captain Scarfish: What you're suggesting is mutiny! [Suddenly, someone flings something on the captain's hat, making one of his hat decorations fall off. It turns out to be Ensign.]
Ensign: Do as he says, captain!
Mr. Krabs: What are you using for ammo there, Ensign?
Ensign: Oh, I rolled up an old, moldy sandwich crust into a hard, little ball. [Ensign takes a moldy crust and forms a ball.]
Mr. Krabs:[This give Mr. Krabs an idea.] That's it! [Mr. Krabs pushes Scarfish.] Come with me, lad! [Ensign and Mr. Krabs takes some moldy, old sandwich crusts and makes them into cannonballs. Mr. Krabs stuffs the moldy crust cannonball in the ornamental cannon. Ensign fires the cannonball at the ship which easily destroys it.] Direct hit!
Mr. Krabs and Ensign: Huzzah! [But the pirate captain and her crew invades the ship.]
Pirate Captain: You'll pay for that! Get 'em boys! [The pirates begin to attack.]
Ensign: Uh, what do I do?
Mr. Krabs: Get down to the cargo-hold and check on the captain! [Mr. Krabs uses his telescope as a sword as SpongeBob goes for the captain.] Charge! Hup! Hey! Whoop! Whoa! Hi-yah! Woo! [He whacks the pirate on the head.] Close one! Ha-ha! [He continues to fight as the pirate captain sits and watches with a cup of root beer in her hand.]
Pirate Captain: Aww, he's kinda handsome for a crusty old cuss.
Captain Scarfish:[Scarfish weeps as Ensign finds him in the cargo-hold.] I can't do it. I'm weak.
Ensign: Snap out of it, man! [Ensign slaps Scarfish, but to his surprise, the scar was a fake. Scarfish gasps and Ensign finds his scar on his hand.] Eeww!
Captain Scarfish: My personality! [Scarfish continues crying.]
Ensign: Oh, uh, let me put that back. [He slaps Scarfish again and his scar is back on his face, much to Scarfish's happiness. Ensign takes a sword and climbs to the top of the barrel and pokes a big hole on it. Releasing a huge torrent of suntan lotion which sweeps away Scarfish. Ensign swings to the ship's haul and makes an opening for the torrent. The suntan lotion with Scarfish on it surfs towards the island with the five naval fish on it. The lotion successfully cured them from their sunburns.]
Naval Fish: Oh my! This feels wonderful! Yes, it feels great! [The naval fish gets up and swims to the cargo ship to rescue Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs:[Mr. Krabs continues fighting the pirates.] Hoo! Whoo! Ha-ha! Whoop! Missed me! [He fights until he loses his telescope.] Uh-oh! Uh, anyone for cherries jubilee?
Pirate Captain: Finish him off! [Just as Mr. Krabs was about to meet his end, the naval fish appears.]
Naval Fish: Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Ha-ha! The sunburn brigade! [The naval fish traps the pirates in a net.] Ha-ha! Me plan worked! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Pirate Captain: Handsome and clever, I see. [She blinks at him for a few seconds, but instead of releasing her, Mr. Krabs puts her in the prison cell.] Join me, Krabs! We'll rule the seven seas together!
Mr. Krabs: I can't let you go, lass. That'll be violation of the naval code. Enjoy your last meal. I hope you like sponge-sugar! [Mr. Krabs winks at her as he gives her a pie. The pirate captain begins to eat the pie and finds something in it.]
Pirate Captain: Huh? [It turns out to be the candy-key he made earlier.] Oh! [She giggles as she and Mr. Krabs wink at Ensign, who made a cotton candy sculpture of the Statue of Liberty. Then it cuts back to the Krusty Krab with Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob winking at each other.]
Squidward: What are we all winking about?
SpongeBob: I don't know! [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs continues to wink, much to Squidward's annoyance.]