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− | {{EpisodeTr |
+ | {{EpisodeTr/117b}} |
− | |title = Professor Squidward |
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− | |titlecard = GetAttachment3-1.jpg |
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− | |seasonnumber = 6 |
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− | |episodenumber = 117b |
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− | |airdate = [[February 19]], [[2009]] |
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− | }} |
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{{L|''[Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]''}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]''}} |
||
{{L|Squilliam|Thank you. ''[he bows]'' Thank you. ''[he catches a flower and sniffs it]'' Ah.}} |
{{L|Squilliam|Thank you. ''[he bows]'' Thank you. ''[he catches a flower and sniffs it]'' Ah.}} |
||
− | {{L|''[Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. |
+ | {{L|''[Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]''}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music Lover|Isn't it grand?}} |
{{L|Squidward|What is?}} |
{{L|Squidward|What is?}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music Lover|He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! ''[The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]''}} |
{{L|Squidward|Alright, I've had enough! ''[He stands up and walks out]'' Bunch of nonsense!}} |
{{L|Squidward|Alright, I've had enough! ''[He stands up and walks out]'' Bunch of nonsense!}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmaster|Why, here he comes now.}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|''[gasps]'' It ''is'' him!}} |
{{L|Squidward|Huh?}} |
{{L|Squidward|Huh?}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|No, I am not |
+ | {{L|Squidward|No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.}} |
{{L|Squidward|Why?}} |
{{L|Squidward|Why?}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you ''were'' Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.}} |
{{L|Squidward|My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?}} |
{{L|Squidward|My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Yes.}} |
{{L|Squidward|I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.}} |
{{L|Squidward|I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|It is |
+ | {{L|Squidward|It is... No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't!}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music recital?}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmaster|A very pathetic one, that's whom. ''[both laugh]''}} |
− | {{L|''[Laughing]''}} |
||
{{L|Squidward|''[pretends to laugh]'' Oh.}} |
{{L|Squidward|''[pretends to laugh]'' Oh.}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|Who? Ha, um, |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. ''[runs off]''}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmaster|Hmm, music types.}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|Ooh, they're so strange.}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]''}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward| |
+ | {{L|Squidward|''[clears throat]'' Good evening, students. Now, our first...}} |
− | {{L|Students|Good evening Professor.}} |
+ | {{L|Students|Good evening, Professor.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|As I was saying, our first |
+ | {{L|Squidward|As I was saying, our first...}} |
− | {{L|''[ |
+ | {{L|''[Billy puts his hand up]''}} |
{{L|Squidward|Yes?}} |
{{L|Squidward|Yes?}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Billy|Aren't you gonna write your name on the board like most professors do?}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|My name? What for?}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|My-my name? What for?}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Billy|Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|Why don't you come write your name on the board |
+ | {{L|Squidward|''[sighs]'' Why don't ''you'' come write ''your'' name on the board? We'll see how ''you'' like it.}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Billy|Okay.}} |
− | {{L|''[ |
+ | {{L|''[Billy walks up to the board and writes his name]''}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|There, now how does that feel |
+ | {{L|Squidward|There, now how does ''that'' feel, Billy?}} |
− | {{L|Billy|Okay |
+ | {{L|Billy|Okay, I-I guess.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|Good |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Good. Now, why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business?! ''[Billy walks back to his seat]'' Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to...}} |
− | {{L|''[ |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|''[laughing and pointing at Squidward]'' Hey, look! It's Squid... ''[Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]''}} |
⚫ | |||
− | {{L|SpongeBob|Hey look, it's Squid-- ''[Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]''}} |
||
⚫ | |||
⚫ | |||
⚫ | {{L|Squidward|''[nervously]'' Didn't you two nincompoops know? I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. ''[Patrick and SpongeBob blink twice]'' Okay, good. ''[Patrick blinks one more time]'' Hey, he blinked three times!}} |
||
⚫ | |||
⚫ | {{L|Squidward|Didn't you two nincompoops know |
||
{{L|SpongeBob|Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?}} |
||
{{L|Patrick|I'll say.}} |
{{L|Patrick|I'll say.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?}} |
− | {{L|SpongeBob|Sure |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|Sure! Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument!}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning and increased muscle mass program |
+ | {{L|Squidward|You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning, and increased muscle mass program!}} |
{{L|Patrick|It was. I traded with SpongeBob.}} |
{{L|Patrick|It was. I traded with SpongeBob.}} |
||
− | {{L|SpongeBob|And I have been very happy with the results. See?}} |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|And I have been very happy with the results. See? ''[shows his muscular leg to Squidward]''}} |
⚫ | |||
− | {{L|''[Shows his muscular leg to Squidward]''}} |
||
⚫ | |||
{{L|''[Transistions to later in the classroom]''}} |
{{L|''[Transistions to later in the classroom]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|As you may not be aware, music is a |
+ | {{L|Squidward|''[clears throat]'' As you may not be aware, music is a... ''[SpongeBob giggles]'' Music is a... ''[SpongeBob giggles]'' Music is a complicated series of... ''[SpongeBob giggles. Squidward glares at the class]'' ...is a complicated series of notes that when played in the... ''[SpongeBob giggles. Squidward stomps up to him]'' SpongeBob, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!}} |
− | {{L|SpongeBob|I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. ''[SpongeBob winks at Squidward]'' Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.}} |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|''[sighs]'' I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. ''[SpongeBob winks at Squidward]'' Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.}} |
{{L|Patrick|No way! He's making that up! It was him!}} |
{{L|Patrick|No way! He's making that up! It was him!}} |
||
{{L|Squidward|You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?}} |
{{L|Squidward|You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?}} |
||
− | {{L|Patrick|You better tell him, SpongeBob |
+ | {{L|Patrick|You better tell him, SpongeBob.}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|Alright, it was me.}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|Alright, it was me.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|You were tickling |
+ | {{L|Squidward|You were tickling yourself?}} |
− | {{L|SpongeBob| |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|Mm hmm!}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|How?}} |
||
− | {{L|''[ |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|Like this. ''[close up of him rubbing his shoes together. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously rubs his feet together]''}} |
− | {{L|Squidward| |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Alright, that's enough!}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]''}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|There |
+ | {{L|Squidward|There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex... ''[SpongeBob laughs]'' SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!}} |
{{L|Patrick|Actually, that time, it really was me.}} |
{{L|Patrick|Actually, that time, it really was me.}} |
||
{{L|''[Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]''}} |
{{L|''[Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. ''[Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob]'' Excuse me? Is |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. ''[Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob]'' Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?}} |
− | {{L|Patrick|Uh- |
+ | {{L|Patrick|Uh-uh.}} |
{{L|Squidward|Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.}} |
{{L|Squidward|Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.}} |
||
{{L|Patrick|Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.}} |
{{L|Patrick|Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting or irrelevant!}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!}} |
− | {{L|Patrick|Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week |
+ | {{L|Patrick|Well, actually, there ''was'' a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. ''[he takes out the hat and puts it on]''}} |
{{L|Squidward|I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!}} |
{{L|Squidward|I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!}} |
||
{{L|Patrick|Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.}} |
{{L|Patrick|Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive?}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? ''[starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]''}} |
− | {{L|''[Squidward starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]''}} |
||
{{L|Patrick|Yes.}} |
{{L|Patrick|Yes.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Ha! Ha! Ha! What the?}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?}} |
{{L|''[Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]''}} |
{{L|''[Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Now, where were |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Now, where were... ''[sees Patrick back in his seat]'' ...we?}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to later]''}} |
{{L|''[Transitions to later]''}} |
||
{{L|Squidward|This is what's known as a metronome.}} |
{{L|Squidward|This is what's known as a metronome.}} |
||
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|No SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward| |
+ | {{L|Squidward|''[clears throat]'' Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.}} |
{{L|''[He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]''}} |
{{L|''[He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]''}} |
||
− | {{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...}} |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|Do you mind? ''[they don't respond]'' Is there something seriously wrong with your |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Do you mind? ''[they don't respond]'' Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|My whole life has been pointed in one direction.}} |
{{L|SpongeBob|My whole life has been pointed in one direction.}} |
||
− | {{L|Patrick|I see |
+ | {{L|Patrick|I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.}} |
⚫ | |||
− | {{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick keep saying "tick"]''}} |
||
⚫ | |||
{{L|''[Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]''}} |
{{L|''[Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]''}} |
||
− | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Hello |
+ | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Hello! We're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm a reporter. ''[Squidward gasps and neatens his wig]'' We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.}} |
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]''}} |
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]''}} |
||
{{L|Squidward|Please ignore them.}} |
{{L|Squidward|Please ignore them.}} |
||
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Are those students of yours?}} |
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Are those students of yours?}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Nope, they're just morons. Come on you two, snap out of it!}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!}} |
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.}} |
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Hotter? Scoop?}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Hotter? Scoop?!}} |
− | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Well, it's the that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.}} |
+ | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|Paranormal |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear!! ''[he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]''}} |
− | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter| |
+ | {{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|Don't blame me, blame the market. ''[Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]''}} |
− | {{L|SpongeBob| |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance. ''[Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]''}} |
{{L|Squidward|You wanna know what happened?}} |
{{L|Squidward|You wanna know what happened?}} |
||
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Okay!}} |
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Okay!}} |
||
{{L|Squidward|You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!}} |
{{L|Squidward|You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!}} |
||
{{L|Blue Fish|Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.}} |
{{L|Blue Fish|Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?}} |
− | {{L|SpongeBob|Well, I guess |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob|Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. ''[Squidward looks horrified]''}} |
− | {{L|Patrick|Yeah, we're sorry Squidward.}} |
+ | {{L|Patrick|Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|No, no, no, no, no! |
+ | {{L|Squidward|No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...}} |
{{L|Blue Fish|Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?}} |
{{L|Blue Fish|Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?}} |
||
− | {{L|Squidward|No, no, no, no, no! They said Squilliam |
+ | {{L|Squidward|No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!}} |
{{L|Grey Fish|Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.}} |
{{L|Grey Fish|Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.}} |
||
− | {{L|Blue Fish|Yeah, me too |
+ | {{L|Blue Fish|Yeah, me too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|No! Wait! ''[Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it]'' No! You're not going anywhere |
+ | {{L|Squidward|No! Wait! ''[Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it]'' No! You're not going anywhere!}} |
− | {{L|''[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door is grabbed by them]''}} |
+ | {{L|''[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]''}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|What's going on here?}} |
+ | {{L|Squidward|Wha-What's going on here?}} |
− | {{L|Aqua-Colored Police|Sorry Professor, your little symphony is over.}} |
+ | {{L|Aqua-Colored Police|Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.}} |
− | {{L|''[ |
+ | {{L|''[Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]''}} |
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|It's true, we're onto your little ruse! ''[The reporter and cameraman are there too]''}} |
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|What a hot scoop!}} |
{{L|Bikini Bottom News Reporter|What a hot scoop!}} |
||
− | {{L| |
+ | {{L|Music School Headmistress|The ''real'' Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead. ''[She points to Squilliam's unibrow]''}} |
− | {{L|Squidward|But |
+ | {{L|Squidward|But...}} |
{{L|''[A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]''}} |
{{L|''[A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]''}} |
||
{{L|Green Police Fish|No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.}} |
{{L|Green Police Fish|No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.}} |
||
{{L|''[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]''}} |
{{L|''[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]''}} |
||
− | {{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick |
+ | {{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...}} |
Revision as of 14:37, 24 August 2014
Template:EpisodeTr/117b
- [Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]
- Squilliam: Thank you. [he bows] Thank you. [he catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.
- [Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]
- Music Lover: Isn't it grand?
- Squidward: What is?
- Music Lover: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! [The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]
- Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! [He stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!
- Music School Headmaster: Why, here he comes now.
- Music School Headmistress: [gasps] It is him!
- Squidward: Huh?
- Music School Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?
- Squidward: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
- Music School Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
- Squidward: Why?
- Music School Headmistress: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.
- Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?
- Music School Headmistress: Yes.
- Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.
- Music School Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
- Squidward: It is... No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't!
- Music School Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music recital?
- Music School Headmaster: A very pathetic one, that's whom. [both laugh]
- Squidward: [pretends to laugh] Oh.
- Music School Headmistress: Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
- Squidward: Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. [runs off]
- Music School Headmaster: Hmm, music types.
- Music School Headmistress: Ooh, they're so strange.
- [Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]
- Squidward: [clears throat] Good evening, students. Now, our first...
- Students: Good evening, Professor.
- Squidward: As I was saying, our first...
- [Billy puts his hand up]
- Squidward: Yes?
- Billy: Aren't you gonna write your name on the board like most professors do?
- Squidward: My-my name? What for?
- Billy: Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.
- Squidward: [sighs] Why don't you come write your name on the board? We'll see how you like it.
- Billy: Okay.
- [Billy walks up to the board and writes his name]
- Squidward: There, now how does that feel, Billy?
- Billy: Okay, I-I guess.
- Squidward: Good. Now, why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business?! [Billy walks back to his seat] Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to...
- SpongeBob: [laughing and pointing at Squidward] Hey, look! It's Squid... [Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]
- Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say "Squilliam"!
- Patrick: Oh, a, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid... [Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles]
- Squidward: [nervously] Didn't you two nincompoops know? I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Patrick and SpongeBob blink twice] Okay, good. [Patrick blinks one more time] Hey, he blinked three times!
- SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
- Patrick: I'll say.
- Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?
- SpongeBob: Sure! Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument!
- Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning, and increased muscle mass program!
- Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See? [shows his muscular leg to Squidward]
- Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.
- [Transistions to later in the classroom]
- Squidward: [clears throat] As you may not be aware, music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a complicated series of... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward glares at the class] ...is a complicated series of notes that when played in the... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward stomps up to him] SpongeBob, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
- SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. [SpongeBob winks at Squidward] Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.
- Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!
- Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
- Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.
- Squidward: You were tickling yourself?
- SpongeBob: Mm hmm!
- Squidward: How?
- SpongeBob: Like this. [close up of him rubbing his shoes together. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously rubs his feet together]
- Squidward: Alright, that's enough!
- [Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]
- Squidward: There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex... [SpongeBob laughs] SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!
- Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.
- [Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]
- Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. [Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob] Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
- Patrick: Uh-uh.
- Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
- Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
- Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!
- Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]
- Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!
- Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
- Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? [starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]
- Patrick: Yes.
- Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?
- [Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]
- Squidward: Now, where were... [sees Patrick back in his seat] ...we?
- [Transitions to later]
- Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.
- SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
- Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
- Squidward: [clears throat] Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.
- [He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
- Squidward: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!
- SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
- Patrick: I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.
- Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out?! Or am I gonna...
- [Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello! We're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm a reporter. [Squidward gasps and neatens his wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]
- Squidward: Please ignore them.
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?
- Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.
- Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?!
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
- Squidward: Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear!! [he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Don't blame me, blame the market. [Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]
- SpongeBob: Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance. [Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]
- Squidward: You wanna know what happened?
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!
- Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
- Blue Fish: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
- Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
- SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified]
- Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
- Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
- Blue Fish: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
- Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
- Grey Fish: Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
- Blue Fish: Yeah, me too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
- Squidward: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] No! You're not going anywhere!
- [The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
- Squidward: Wha-What's going on here?
- Aqua-Colored Police: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
- [Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]
- Music School Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]
- Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!
- Music School Headmistress: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead. [She points to Squilliam's unibrow]
- Squidward: But...
- [A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]
- Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
- [Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...