Professor Squidward/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/117b

• [Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]
• Squilliam: Thank you. [he bows] Thank you. [he catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.
• [Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]
• Music Lover: Isn't it grand?
• Squidward: What is?
• Music Lover: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! [The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]
• Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! [He stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!
• Music School Headmaster: Why, here he comes now.
• Music School Headmistress: [gasps] It is him!
• Squidward: Huh?
• Music School Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?
• Squidward: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
• Music School Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
• Squidward: Why?
• Music School Headmistress: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.
• Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?
• Music School Headmistress: Yes.
• Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.
• Music School Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
• Squidward: It is... No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't!
• Music School Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music recital?
• Music School Headmaster: A very pathetic one, that's whom. [both laugh]
• Squidward: [pretends to laugh] Oh.
• Music School Headmistress: Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
• Squidward: Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. [runs off]
• Music School Headmaster: Hmm, music types.
• Music School Headmistress: Ooh, they're so strange.
• [Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]
• Squidward: [clears throat] Good evening, students. Now, our first...
• Students: Good evening, Professor.
• Squidward: As I was saying, our first...
• [Billy puts his hand up]
• Squidward: Yes?
• Billy: Aren't you gonna write your name on the board like most professors do?
• Squidward: My-my name? What for?
• Billy: Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.
• Squidward: [sighs] Why don't you come write your name on the board? We'll see how you like it.
• Billy: Okay.
• [Billy walks up to the board and writes his name]
• Squidward: There, now how does that feel, Billy?
• Billy: Okay, I-I guess.
• Squidward: Good. Now, why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business?! [Billy walks back to his seat] Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to...
• SpongeBob: [laughing and pointing at Squidward] Hey, look! It's Squid... [Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]
• Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say "Squilliam"!
• Patrick: Oh, a, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid... [Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles]
• Squidward: [nervously] Didn't you two nincompoops know? I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Patrick and SpongeBob blink twice] Okay, good. [Patrick blinks one more time] Hey, he blinked three times!
• SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
• Patrick: I'll say.
• Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?
• SpongeBob: Sure! Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument!
• Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning, and increased muscle mass program!
• Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See? [shows his muscular leg to Squidward]
• Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.
• [Transistions to later in the classroom]
• Squidward: [clears throat] As you may not be aware, music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a complicated series of... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward glares at the class] ...is a complicated series of notes that when played in the... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward stomps up to him] SpongeBob, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
• SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. [SpongeBob winks at Squidward] Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.
• Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!
• Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
• Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.
• Squidward: You were tickling yourself?
• SpongeBob: Mm hmm!
• Squidward: How?
• SpongeBob: Like this. [close up of him rubbing his shoes together. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously rubs his feet together]
• Squidward: Alright, that's enough!
• [Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]
• Squidward: There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex... [SpongeBob laughs] SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!
• Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.
• [Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]
• Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. [Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob] Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
• Patrick: Uh-uh.
• Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
• Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
• Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!
• Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]
• Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!
• Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
• Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? [starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]
• Patrick: Yes.
• Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?
• [Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]
• Squidward: Now, where were... [sees Patrick back in his seat] ...we?
• [Transitions to later]
• Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.
• SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
• Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
• Squidward: [clears throat] Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.
• [He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
• Squidward: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!
• SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
• Patrick: I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.
• Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out?! Or am I gonna...
• [Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello! We're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm a reporter. [Squidward gasps and neatens his wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]
• Squidward: Please ignore them.
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?
• Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.
• Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?!
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
• Squidward: Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear!! [he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Don't blame me, blame the market. [Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]
• SpongeBob: Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance. [Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]
• Squidward: You wanna know what happened?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!
• Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
• Blue Fish: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
• Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
• SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified]
• Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
• Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
• Blue Fish: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
• Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
• Grey Fish: Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
• Blue Fish: Yeah, me too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
• Squidward: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] No! You're not going anywhere!
• [The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
• Squidward: Wha-What's going on here?
• Aqua-Colored Police: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
• [Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]
• Music School Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!
• Music School Headmistress: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead. [She points to Squilliam's unibrow]
• Squidward: But...
• [A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]
• Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
• [Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...