Professor Squidward/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/117b

• [Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]
• Squilliam: Thank you. [he bows] Thank you. [he catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.
• [Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]
• Music Lover: Isn't it grand?
• Squidward: What is?
• Music Lover: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! [The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]
• Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! [He stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!
• Music School Headmistress: Why, here he comes now.
• Music School Headmistress: [gasps] It is him!
• Squidward: Huh?
• Music School Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?
• Squidward: No, I am not. Nor would I ever want to be. I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
• Music School Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
• Squidward: Why?
• Music School Headmistress: 'Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.
• Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?
• Music School Headmistress: Yes.
• Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.
• Music School Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
• Squidward: It is- No, I mean, uh, no, no, it didn't!
• Music School Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music concert?
• Music School Headmistress: A very pathetic one, that's who.
• [Laughing]
• Squidward: [pretends to laugh] Oh.
• Music School Headmistress: Well good evening, Professor Squilliam.
• Squidward: Who? Ha, um, a.. and a good evening to you as well.
• Music School Headmistress: Hmm.. Music type.
• Music School Headmistress: Oh, they're so strange.
• [Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]
• Squidward: Ah-hem. Good evening students. Now our first--
• Students: Good evening Professor.
• Squidward: As I was saying, our first--
• [A student puts his hand up]
• Squidward: Yes?
• Student: Aren't you going to write your name on the board like most professors do?
• Squidward: My name? What for?
• Student: Well, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board at the first day of class.
• Squidward: Why don't you come write your name on the board. We'll see how YOU like it.
• Student: Okay.
• [The student walks up to the board and writes 'Billy']
• Squidward: There, now how does that feel....BILLY?
• Billy: Okay...I, I guess.
• Squidward: Good, now why don't you take your seat, and stop poking your nose into other people's business! [Billy walks back to his seat] Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to---
• [SpongeBob laughing and pointing at Squidward]
• SpongeBob: Hey look, it's Squid-- [Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]
• Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say Squilliam.
• Patrick: Oh, a, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid-- [Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles]
• Squidward: Didn't you two nincompoops know, I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Patrick and SpongeBob blinking twice] Okay, good. [Patrick blinking one more time] Hey, you blinked three times.
• SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
• Patrick: I'll say.
• Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what your doing in music class anyway?
• SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument.
• Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning and increased muscle mass program.
• Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See?
• [Shows his muscular leg to Squidward]
• Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.
• [Transistions to later in the classroom]
• Squidward: As you may not be aware, music is a-- [SpongeBob giggling] Music is a-- [SpongeBob giggling] Music is a complicated series of-- [SpongeBob giggling. Squidward glares at the class] Is a complicated series of notes that's been played in a-- [SpongeBob giggling. Squidward stomps up to him] SpongeBob! Do you mind? There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
• SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. [SpongeBob winks at Squidward] Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.
• Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!
• Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
• Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.
• Squidward: You were tickling...yourself? How?
• SpongeBob: Like this.
• [Makes a close up of the two shoes rubbing themselves. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously does rubs his feet together]
• Squidward: All right, that's enough!
• [Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]
• Squidward: There, now as I was saying, music is a series of com-- [SpongeBob laughing] SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!
• Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.
• [Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]
• Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. [Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob] Excuse me? Is this something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
• Patrick: Uh-huh.
• Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
• Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
• Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting or irrelevant!
• Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week. And I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]
• Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!
• Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
• Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive?
• [Squidward starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]
• Patrick: Yes.
• Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the?
• [Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]
• Squidward: Now, where were-- [Patrick grew, dissapers in the Train & SpongeBob sees Patrick back in his seat] We?
• [Transitions to later]
• Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.
• SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
• Squidward: No SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
• Squidward: Ah-hem. Anyway, the metronome helps up keep time.
• [He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
• Squidward: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your heads?
• SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
• Patrick: I see it now, there's never been any choice for me.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick keep saying "tick"]
• Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out!? Or am I gonna--
• [Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello, we're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm the reporter. [Squidward gasps and neatens his wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]
• Squidward: Please ignore them.
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?
• Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on you two, snap out of it!
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.
• Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
• Squidward: Paranormal!? The only thing paranormal aroung here is how fast I'm going to make you two dissapear! [he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hey, don't blame me, blame the market. [Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]
• SpongeBob: Wha—Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of trance. [Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]
• Squidward: You wanna know what happened?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!
• Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
• Blue Fish: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
• Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves.
• SpongeBob: Well, I guess, I would say one thing, it would ve to be: We're sorry Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified]
• Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry Squidward.
• Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Shhhhhh...
• Blue Fish: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
• Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! They said Squilliam.
• Grey Fish: Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
• Blue Fish: Yeah, me too. I'm gonna get my tuition back!
• Squidward: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] No! You're not going anywhere!
• [The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door is grabbed by them]
• Squidward: What's going on here?
• Aqua-Colored Police: Sorry Professor, your little symphony is over.
• [Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]
• Music School Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]
• Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!
• Music School Headmistress: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy, unibrow just at the base of his forehead! [She points to Squilliam's unibrow]
• Squidward: But--
• [A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]
• Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
• [Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.....