Professor Squidward/transcript

Professor Squidward
General
Season №:	6
Episode №:	117b
U.S. viewers (millions):	4.03
Airdate:	February 19, 2009
Chronology
Previous	"Shuffleboarding"
Next	"Pet or Pests"

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Professor Squidward" from season 6, which aired on February 19, 2009. (Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him)

Squilliam: Thank you. (he bows) Thank you. (he catches a flower and sniffs it) Ah.

(Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. TV producer Colyn Many next to him leans over him.)

Colyn Many: Isn't it grand?

Squidward: What is?

Colyn Many: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! (The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder)

Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! (He stands up and walks out) Bunch of nonsense!

Sinclair De Villeneuve: Why, here he comes now.

Desiree Lacroix: (gasps) It is him!

Squidward: Huh?

Desiree Lacroix: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third who we all came here to see perform tonight?

Squidward: No, I am not. Nor would I ever want to be. I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.

Desiree Lacroix: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.

Squidward: Why?

Desiree Lacroix: 'Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.

Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?

Desiree Lacroix: Yes.

Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.

Desiree Lacroix: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?

Squidward: It is- No, I mean, uh, no, no, it didn't!

Desiree Lacroix: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music concert?

Sinclair De Villeneuve: A very pathetic one, that's who.

(Laughing)

Squidward: (pretends to laugh) Oh.

Desiree Lacroix: Well good evening, Professor Squilliam.

Squidward: Who? Ha, um, a.. and a good evening to you as well.

Sinclair De Villeneuve: Hmm.. Music type.

Desiree Lacroix: Oh, they're so strange.

(Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom)

Squidward: Ah-hem. Good evening students. Now our first--

Students: Good evening Professor.

Squidward: As I was saying, our first--

(A student puts his hand up)

Squidward: Yes?

Student: Aren't you going to write your name on the board like most professors do?

Squidward: My name? What for?

Student: Well, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board at the first day of class.

Squidward: Why don't you come write your name on the board. We'll see how YOU like it.

Student: Okay.

(The student walks up to the board and writes 'Billy')

Squidward: There, now how does that feel....BILLY?

Billy: Okay...I, I guess.

Squidward: Good, now why don't you take your seat, and stop poking your nose into other people's business! (Billy walks back to his seat) Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to---

(SpongeBob laughing and pointing at Squidward)

SpongeBob: Hey look, it's Squid-- (Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech)

Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say Squilliam.

Patrick: Oh, a, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid-- (Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles)

Squidward: Didn't you two nincompoops know, I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. (Patrick and SpongeBob blinking twice) Okay, good. (Patrick blinking one more time) Hey, you blinked three times.

SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
{C Patrick: I'll say.

Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what your doing in music class anyway?

SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument.

Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning and increased muscle mass program.

Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See?

(Shows his muscular leg to Squidward)

Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.

(Transistions to later in the classroom)

Squidward: As you may not be aware, music is a-- (SpongeBob giggling) Music is a-- (SpongeBob giggling) Music is a complicated series of-- (SpongeBob giggling. Squidward glares at the class) Is a complicated series of notes that's been played in a-- (SpongeBob giggling. Squidward stomps up to him) SpongeBob! Do you mind? There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. (SpongeBob winks at Squidward) Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.

Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!

Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?

Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.

Squidward: You were tickling...yourself? How?

SpongeBob: Like this.

(Makes a close up of the two shoes rubbing themselves. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously does rubs his feet together)

Squidward: All right, that's enough!

(Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends)

Squidward: There, now as I was saying, music is a series of com-- (SpongeBob laughing) SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!

Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.

(Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later)

Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. (Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob) Excuse me? Is this something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Patrick: Uh-huh.

Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.

Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.

Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting or irrelevant!

Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week. And I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. (he takes out the hat and puts it on)

Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!

Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.

Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive?

(Squidward starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train)

Patrick: Yes.

Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the?

(Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside)

Squidward: Now, where were-- (Patrick grew, dissapers in the Train & Spongebob sees Patrick back in his seat) We?

(Transitions to later)

Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.

SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!

Squidward: No SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.

Squidward: Ah-hem. Anyway, the metronome helps up keep time.

(He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

Squidward: Do you mind? (they don't respond) Is there something seriously wrong with your heads?

SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.

Patrick: I see it now, there's never been any choice for me.

(SpongeBob and Patrick keep saying "tick")

Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out!? Or am I gonna--

(Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom)

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello, we're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm the reporter. (Squidward gasps and neatens his wig) We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.

(SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking)

Squidward: Please ignore them.

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?

Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on you two, snap out of it!

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.

Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.

Squidward: Paranormal!? The only thing paranormal aroung here is how fast I'm going to make you two dissapear! (he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room)

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hey, don't blame me, blame the market. (Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up)

SpongeBob: Wha—Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of trance. (Squidward's eyes narrow angrily)

Squidward: You wanna know what happened?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!

Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturely barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!

Blue Fish: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.

Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves.

SpongeBob: Well, I guess, I would say one thing, it would ve to be: I'm sorry Squidward! (Squidward looks horrified)

Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry Squidward.

Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Shhhhhh...

Blue Fish: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?

Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! They said Squilliam.

Grey Fish: Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.

Blue Fish: Yeah, me too. I'm gonna get my tuition back!

Squidward: No! Wait! (Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it) No! You're not going anywhere.

(The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door is grabbed by them)

Squidward: What's going on here?

Aqua-Coloured Police: Sorry Professor, your little symphony is over.

(Desiree Lacroix and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there)

Desiree Lacroix: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! (The reporter and cameraman are there too)

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!

Desiree Lacroix: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy, unibrow just at the base of his forehead! (She points to Squilliam's unibrow)

Squidward: But--

(A police fish takes Squidward's wig off)

Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

(Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.....