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Professor Squidward
Season №: 6
Episode №: 117b
Airdate: February 19, 2009
Previous: "Shuffleboarding"
Next: "Pet or Pests"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Professor Squidward" from season six, which aired on February 19, 2009.

  • [Transitions to an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]
  • Squilliam: Thank you. [he bows] Thank you. [he catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.
  • [Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]
  • Music Lover: Isn't it grand?
  • Squidward: What is?
  • Music Lover: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! [The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]
  • Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! [He stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!
  • Music School Headmaster: Why, here he comes now.
  • Music School Headmistress: [gasps] It is him!
  • Squidward: Huh?
  • Music School Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?
  • Squidward: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
  • Music School Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
  • Squidward: Why?
  • Music School Headmistress: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.
  • Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?
  • Music School Headmistress: Yes.
  • Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.
  • Music School Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
  • Squidward: It is... No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't!
  • Music School Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music recital?
  • Music School Headmaster: A very pathetic one, that's whom. [both laugh]
  • Squidward: [pretends to laugh] Oh.
  • Music School Headmistress: Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
  • Squidward: Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. [runs off]
  • Music School Headmaster: Hmm, music types.
  • Music School Headmistress: Ooh, they're so strange.
  • [Transitions to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]
  • Squidward: [clears throat] Good evening, students. Now, our first...
  • Students: Good evening, Professor.
  • Squidward: As I was saying, our first...
  • [Billy puts his hand up]
  • Squidward: Yes?
  • Billy: Aren't you gonna write your name on the board like most professors do?
  • Squidward: My-my name? What for?
  • Billy: Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.
  • Squidward: [sighs] Why don't you come write your name on the board? We'll see how you like it.
  • Billy: Okay.
  • [Billy walks up to the board and writes his name]
  • Squidward: There, now how does that feel, Billy?
  • Billy: Okay, I-I guess.
  • Squidward: Good. Now, why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business?! [Billy walks back to his seat] Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to...
  • SpongeBob: [laughing and pointing at Squidward] Hey, look! It's Squid... [Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]
  • Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say "Squilliam"!
  • Patrick: Oh, a, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid... [Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles]
  • Squidward: [nervously] Didn't you two nincompoops know? I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Patrick and SpongeBob blink twice] Okay, good. [Patrick blinks one more time] Hey, he blinked three times!
  • SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
  • Patrick: I'll say.
  • Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?
  • SpongeBob: Sure! Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument!
  • Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning, and increased muscle mass program!
  • Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See? [shows his muscular leg to Squidward]
  • Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.
  • [Transitions to later in the classroom]
  • Squidward: [clears throat] As you may not be aware, music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a complicated series of... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward glares at the class] a complicated series of notes that when played in the... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward stomps up to him] SpongeBob, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
  • SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. [SpongeBob winks at Squidward] Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.
  • Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!
  • Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
  • Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.
  • Squidward: You were tickling yourself?
  • SpongeBob: Mm hmm!
  • Squidward: How?
  • SpongeBob: Like this. [close up of him rubbing his shoes together. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously rubs his feet together]
  • Squidward: Alright, that's enough!
  • [Transitions to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]
  • Squidward: There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex... [SpongeBob laughs] SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!
  • Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.
  • [Squidward looks baffled, transitions to later]
  • Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. [Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob] Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
  • Patrick: Uh-uh.
  • Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
  • Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
  • Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!
  • Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]
  • Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!
  • Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
  • Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? [starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]
  • Patrick: Yes.
  • Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?
  • [Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]
  • Squidward: Now, where were... [sees Patrick back in his seat] ...we?
  • [Transitions to later]
  • Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
  • Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
  • Squidward: [clears throat] Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.
  • [He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
  • Squidward: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!
  • SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
  • Patrick: I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.
  • Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out?! Or am I gonna...
  • [Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello! We're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm a reporter. [Squidward gasps and neatens his wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]
  • Squidward: Please ignore them.
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?
  • Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.
  • Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?!
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
  • Squidward: Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear!! [he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Don't blame me, blame the market. [Squidward slams door. A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]
  • SpongeBob: Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance. [Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]
  • Squidward: You wanna know what happened?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!
  • Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
  • Blue Fish: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
  • Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
  • SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified]
  • Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
  • Blue Fish: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
  • Gray Fish: Oh! I knew this guy was phoney from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
  • Blue Fish: Yeah, me too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
  • Squidward: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] No! You're not going anywhere!
  • [The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
  • Squidward: Wha-What's going on here?
  • Aqua-Colored Police: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
  • [Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]
  • Music School Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]
  • Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!
  • Music School Headmistress: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead. [She points to Squilliam's unibrow]
  • Squidward: But...
  • [A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]
  • Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
  • [Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

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