"Professor Squidward" is a SpongeBob SquarePants episode from season six. In this episode, Squidward poses as Squilliam to teach a music class.
Squidward is disdainfully watching Squilliam play his clarinet at a concert. When Squilliam finishes, Squidward leaves. He also hears someone say "He's so good, he doesn't even have to play to be good!" As Squidward walks out of the recital hall, a music school headmistress mistakes him for Squilliam. Although Squidward tells her he's not Squilliam, she ignores him and offers him a job to teach a college music class. Too tempted by the offer to correct her again, Squidward accepts the job.
Later, he comes to the music class wearing a wig, posing as Squilliam. He prepares his desk, and a kid asks him if he is going to write his name on the board "like most professors do." Annoyed, Squidward tells the kid to write his name on the board. Shortly after that, Squidward discovers that SpongeBob and Patrick are in the music class he is teaching, which annoys him even more. SpongeBob and Patrick are then told that they are allowed to stay just as long as they behave themselves and keep quiet about Squidward's real name. Squidward starts teaching, but is interrupted by SpongeBob's laughter. When asked about it, SpongeBob claims that Patrick was tickling his foot, but shortly after he claims that he was tickling his own foot. In order to avoid any more distractions, Squidward moves SpongeBob away from Patrick, but he keeps on laughing anyway. When SpongeBob is told to stop tickling his foot, Patrick claims that it really was him that time, much to Squidward's surprise.
Squidward starts teaching about musical scales by drawing lines on the chalkboard. Patrick then explains how they remind him of a railroad track he saw at a railroad convention last week, where he bought himself a conductor's hat. Soon after, he starts riding a mini train, only to get trapped in the trash can, though he comes back inside a minute later.
Then, Squidward starts teaching the class about metronomes, much to the interest of SpongeBob and Patrick (though SpongeBob mistook it for a garden gnome). They start making a ticking noise and a news reporter suddenly comes in, wanting to do an interview with "Squilliam Fancyson," although he is soon more interested in SpongeBob and Patrick and how they are in a trance. Squidward then angrily kicks him out after talking about possible paranormal activity. SpongeBob and Patrick stop ticking and exit their trance when the bell rings. They forget where they are and start calling Squidward by his real name, which upsets the rest of the class, causing them to leave. Squidward desperately blocks the door with his body to no avail, as the police come in along with the music headmistress and Squilliam Fancyson himself. The music headmistress mockingly points out how easy it is to distinguish the two (despite the fact that she offered Squidward the job after he said he wasn't Squilliam). After noticing that Squidward does not have a unibrow, he is quickly arrested for "impersonating a genius," leaving SpongeBob and Patrick alone with the metronome ticking. Soon after, they are in a trance again, imitating the metronome as the episode ends.
|( ‣ ) Associated production music|
|( • ) Original music|
|( ◦ ) SpongeBob music|
‣ Cream Pie - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Title card]
‣ ? - Nicolas Carr, Steve Marston [Exterior of recital hall]
‣ Dancing in Dreamland (a) - Ron Goodwin ["Thank you, thank you."]
‣ Hawaiian Link (b) - Richard Myhill ["All right, I've had enough."]
‣ Witty Fellow - Gerhard Trede [Squidward mistaken for Squilliam]
‣ Lap Steel - Nicolas Carr [Exterior of prestigious music college]
‣ Light Conversation Harpsichord - Ron Wasserman [Squidward enters wearing a wig]
‣ Wooden Bear - Gil Flat, Tony Tape, Florian Voelxen [Class begins]
‣ Goofy Conversation - Nicolas Carr, Barry Anthony [SpongeBob and Patrick appear]
‣ Unknown Hawaiian Sting (a) - SpongeBob's muscular legs
‣ Light Conversation Harpsichord - Ron Wasserman [SpongeBob interrupting Squidward]
‣ Steel Sting (a) - Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob tickling himself]
‣ Light Conversation Harpsichord - Ron Wasserman [Desks arranged in one row]
‣ Steel Link (b) - Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob interrupts again]
‣ Nude Sting - Nicolas Carr [Squidward looks shocked]
‣ Tomfoolery - Nicolas Carr [Squidward writing on the chalkboard]
‣ Skipping to School - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Patrick's locomotive]
‣ Steel Licks (a) - Jeremy Wakefield [Taking out the trash]
‣ Light Conversation Harpsichord - Ron Wasserman ["Where were... we?"]
‣ Steel Sting - Jeremy Wakefield [Metronome]
‣ Mists of Illusion - Gilbert Vinter [SpongeBob and Patrick hypnotized by the metronome]
‣ Dave Allen at Large - Alan Hawkshaw [News reporter appears]
‣ Tomfoolery - David Snell ["Please ignore them."]
‣ Vibe Q Sting - Nicolas Carr [They snap out of it]
‣ Goofy Conversation - Nicolas Carr, Barry Anthony ["You want to know what happened?"]
‣ Drama Link (g) - Hubert Clifford ["No! You're not going anywhere!"]
‣ Steel Licks (b) - Jeremy Wakefield [Squidward gets hit by the door]
‣ Twelfth Street Rag - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [The ending]
- As of February 1, 2018, The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) gives this episode a rating of 5.9/10 based on 157 ratings by users. TV.com users give this episode a rating of 6.9/10 based on 118 votes.
- Running Gags: SpongeBob laughing when he tickles himself and SpongeBob and Patrick saying "Tick" when the metronome is ticking.
- At the beginning, Squidward is wearing the same sweater that he wore in "Snowball Effect."
- The Bikini Bottom Prestigious Music College head matron speaks with an off-Indian accent, and her friend speaks with an off-English accent.
- The plot of this episode is somewhat similar to the plot of "Artist Unknown" (Squidward teaches a class, to which, SpongeBob happens to apply). This time, SpongeBob is not the only student in his class, as Patrick and some other fish appear as well.
- Patrick claims he wanted to learn to play an instrument, but he already knows how to play an instrument, which is the drums.
- However, due to his stupidity, he may have forgotten.
- The real name for "impersonating someone" is called "identity theft."
- It may or may not be a coincidence, but both this episode and its sister episode, "Shuffleboarding," involve the law being broken in some sort of way.
- This is the second episode where the title card is written on a chalkboard. The first was "New Student Starfish," the third was "Squidward's School for Grown Ups," and the fourth was "Teacher's Pests." All four episodes involve school and education.
- This is the second time Squidward gets arrested. The first time was in "Good Ol' Whatshisname."
- This episode takes place after "Band Geeks" and/or "Squilliam Returns" because in the former episode, Squidward refers to Squilliam as, "Squilliam Fancyson from band class" and in the latter, Squidward refers to Squilliam as, "...my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson," suggesting that they had not talked since then.
- This episode premiered two years after the premiere of "Driven to Tears," "Rule of Dumb," "The Pink Purloiner," "The Gift of Gum," "Rise and Shine," "Waiting," and "Sing a Song of Patrick."
- This is Martha Smith's 50th episode appearance.
- When the fish said he was commuting from upstate, it could possibly be a reference to Tom Kenny's hometown, Syracuse, New York, which is one of upstate New York's major cities.
- After being hypnotized, SpongeBob and Patrick recite a line from the 1976 film Taxi Driver.
- Although it was established in older episodes — as well in an interview with Rodger Bumpass — that Squidward's middle initial is J, in this episode, Squidward says it is Q.
- It is unknown which one is correct.
- When Patrick rides his locomotive into the trash can, Squidward exits the building and places the can outside. Later, when both the police and the news crew come into Squidward's classroom, they enter the same door that Squidward took to go outside, but now it leads to a hallway.