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"Procrastination" (transcript)

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Transcript Information
Procrastination
General
Season №: 2
Episode №: 37a
Airdate: November 30, 2001
Chronology
Previous: "Krusty Love"
Next: "I'm with Stupid"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Procrastination" from season two, which aired on November 30, 2001.

  • Mrs. Puff: Ok, class, quiet, quiet. Now get out your pencil and paper and write down the assignment. [class groans]
  • SpongeBob: [leans towards Peterson] Did you hear that? We get an assignment!
  • Mrs. Puff: Everyone must write an essay on what not to do at a stoplight. [class groans again]
  • SpongeBob: [Again leaning towards Peterson] Did you hear that? What not to do at a stoplight?
  • Mrs. Puff: In no less than 800 words. [squeals and class groans again]
  • Peterson: [acting like SpongeBob] Did you hear that? 800 words!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, I know!
  • Mrs. Puff: Due tomorrow. And remember class: work hard and no goofing off.
  • [back at SpongeBob's house]
  • SpongeBob: OK Gary, no goofing off! I am about to write the greatest essay of all time. Like most great essays, it will be written on paper. Even more important than the paper is [holds up a pencil] the pencil. A pencil as sharp or as dull as I like. Hmm.. funny... as my ideas grow, you shrink. [kisses the pencil as little hearts fly out of it] Well, I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks at window, it's colorful outside] OK, here we go. What. Not. To do. At. A. Spotlight. Hey this is easy! By SpongeBob SquarePants. Hah! This essay is pure gold! And now pencil, get ready to do your stuff because here we go! [SpongeBob's clock is shown. Several hours pass and has still only written 8 words] Gee, this is harder than I thought... [looks outside. There is a carnival. Squidward is suntanning. A boy is eating ice cream. Jellyfish are playing tennis. Gary is riding on a ball and playing a horn. Patrick is rubbing Sandy with sunscreen]
  • Patrick: Come on, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob sinks back down out of sight of the window]
  • SpongeBob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super sailorific, sunshiny day. Oh! But I must press onward, because with this pencil, and the completion of this essay, I'll be one step closer to my driver's license! [a live-action drag race is shown. a car hits a wall, tumbles and gets back up. cut back to SpongeBob] Oh, yeah. This'll be no problemo. Why, I've got plenty of time. It's only-six o'clock! [cuts to SpongeBob's ticking clock, then back to SpongeBob at his desk] Okay, here we go, here we go. [SpongeBob struggles to write] Bah! I know! I just need to get a little blood pumpin' in the old noodle. How about some calisthenics? [does calisthenics. While doing it, he recites Hup Ho several times. His nose and eyelashes do the same thing.] I can feel those juices pumpin' now! [moves his chair closer to the table. he does it a lot because of the fun noise it makes. He then laughs] Huh? What am I doing?! I've gotta write that paper! [pushes his chair in] Come on pencil, make words.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Gary! Hey hey hey Gary! Hows my favorite mollusk? How about you let ol' SpongeBob fix you up something to eat?
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean you're not hungry?
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: I know I have an essay to write! Now come on, Gary. [Grabs Gary by his shell and pours some food he takes up a ladder and fills it to ceiling-level] I've got to make sure you have your nutrition Gary, so I'm not leaving until you eat every single bite. [Gary quickly eats it] Gary, are-are you sure you don't want some creme brulée? Or, or some chocolate-flavored algae bits? [steps in Garys food] Gee, Gary sure made a mess. I can't work on my essay knowing there's a mess in the kitchen. [cleans it up using himself as a mop] Hmmm...I might as well clean the rest of the floor while I'm at it. I should get these hard-to-reach places too! And these dishes need to be cleaned! Can't have dirty garbage. [cut to SpongeBob, who has already finished] Well, I think it's clean enough now! Why that didn't take too long...and it's only...10 o'clock! Ooh... No more fooling around! I've gotta get back to work! Ok, Mr. Essay, I say... prepare to be written! [Begins active writing] I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Yeah...yeah...yeah! And some of these, and some of these...Almost there and...done. Now lets see how it looks so far. "The-" [shows he has only written "the" in fancy lettering] Break time! Pacing always helps me think! Let's see, only 799 words to go...thinks SpongeBob think! [looks at the telephone. Cut to Patrick in bed snoring. Phone rings and he wakes up]
  • Patrick: Who is that? [picks up phone] Hello?
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, whatchya up to?
  • Patrick: Sleeping.
  • SpongeBob: Thats really fascinating, are you having a good sleep? Any dreams you'd like to discuss, I remember on the...
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, you and I both know that you're just choosing me as a distraction so you don't have to write your essay.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] That is-that is not true! I called to have an engaging conversation with you!
  • Patrick: Well, I'm listening.
  • SpongeBob: Uh...Marco!
  • Patrick: Polo! [Hangs Up]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, well I gotta get going Patrick, got an important essay to write? [hangs up phone] Sheesh, what a chatterbox. Can't he see that I'm busy? [back to his desk with eraser shavings on his paper] I can't write with all these eraser shavings all over my paper! Now they're floating around my thinking space. [blows them away] So long Pesky Particles! [floats back to SpongeBob chokes on one] I swallowed one! I'm choking! Water, water! [goes to the kitchen and drinks water] That was a close one.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean 'overly dramatic?' Gary? All that choking sure made me hungry.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: I can't write on an empty stomach Gary, I gotta have my brain food! Now let's see...White or rye bread...or pumpernickel. Gee, I guess it really depends on the meat inside... and the cheese [doorbell rings] A visitor? For me!? [SpongeBob opens the door to meet a mailfish] Hello!
  • Mailfish: Package for Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: Great thanks! So, uh, do you like delivering mail?
  • Mailfish: It puts bread on the table.
  • SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]
  • Maifish: Oh brother..
  • SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...
  • Mailfish: Don't you have a paper to write? [He walks away]
  • SpongeBob: [Gulps and zooms in on his face] How did he know I'm supposed to be writing an essay? [blipping his eyes and slides back into his house]
  • Realistic Fish Head: In other news, local resident SpongeBob SquarePants only has a few hours left to complete his essay, and yet he continues to goof off. [head sticks out TV] When will he learn?
  • SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [karate chops the TV causing a zap and glass breaking. lights a candle]
  • Chair: Hey, SpongeBob? Over here! Come on, take a seat, put your feet up and relax.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps and a bell rings and drops the candle that went out and the clock lights up] Oh no! Midnight! [running in the hallway and the alarms ring on the walls] Must.. get... back to desk! [runs to the table, but it has enlarged. he jumps up on the chair] Whew, that was a close call. [his pants are missing] Ah! My pants!
  • Pants: Yoo hoo! Down here!
  • SpongeBob: You get up here! I've got to get back to work!
  • Pants: [runs out of SpongeBob's Pineapple to the door] Freedom!
  • SpongeBob: [runs out the door] Stop Pants, you get back here this instant! Paaants...! [door closes, SpongeBob yelps, then tries to get back in, but it is locked. looks in the window. the candle is still lighting the clock spins and breaks that came to life]
  • Clock: [ghostly voice] Time's up, SpongeBob...
  • SpongeBob: [gasps the candle melts]
  • Fire Wick: Only 799 words to go! [laughs sinisterly and he burns essay and the inside of his pineapple burns]
  • SpongeBob: No! [As his house burns, he screams] What have I done?! [SpongeBob runs around his house, yelling] Help! Help! My house is on fire! [continues running around his burnt house until it comes to life]
  • House: SpongeBob, why? Why did you set me on fire, SpongeBob?! Why didn't you just write your essay?! STOP WASTING TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!
  • SpongeBob: [wakes up] Where's my essay! Oh, there you are! [laughs] I must have dozed off. [grabs his paper from his head] Lets see where are we? [holding his paper with a word "The" is still there, puts the paper down on the desk] Do I dare look at the clock..? [gasps] It's almost 9 o' clock! Class starts in 5 minutes! How am I going to write this whole paper in 5 minutes? How am I supposed to know what to do at a stoplight?? Feeding your snail is something not to do at a stoplight! [Writing] And making a sandwich, and lighting candles, and drinking water, and calling your friends, and karate chopping the TV, and shootin' the breeze with the mailman, and fallin' asleep... [cut to SpongeBob running to the boating school] Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff! I'm finished! All 800 words! I'm finished! Here it is! [goes inside, but nobody is there] Huh? Mrs. Puff? Where is everybody?
  • Mrs. Puff: Oh, there you are SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Here you go, Mrs. Puff! 800 words! All about stoplights and what not to do at 'em.
  • Mrs. Puff: I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I tried to call you.. I have to go to a teacher's convention!
  • SpongeBob: But what about my essay?
  • Mrs. Puff: I decided to cancel the assignment. We're just going to take a field trip to a stoplight instead. See you next week!
  • [SpongeBob rips his essay. He then rips himself]

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