Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order?
Clay: Hmmm... uhh... oh, I'll have a... [Squidward takes out pencil and paper] ...no. [Squidward puts pencil and paper away] Maybe... [takes out pencil and paper] ...no. [Squidward puts pencil and paper away] Hmmm... I'll have... [takes out pencil and paper] ...no. Or maybe...
Squidward: Are you planning on ordering today, sir?
Clay: I'll have a Krabby Patty. [Squidward writes down order]
Squidward: How original.
Clay: And with extra onions.
Squidward: Daring today, aren't we? [takes order and shows SpongeBob] One Krabby Patty, extra onions. [SpongeBob takes piece of paper and puts with the rest of the orders]
SpongeBob: One cryin' Johnny comin' up! First bun, then patty, followed by ketchup, mustard, pickles, extra onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and bun, in that order. One cryin' Johnny! Up! [bell rings]
Squidward: Whatever. [Jess comes up and tells Squidward what he wants and Squidward relays order to SpongeBob] Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns! [SpongeBob takes a plate and patties begin to appear on the plate]
SpongeBob: Bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun. One dozen cryin' cows on the farm! Up! [Squidward takes the plate]
Squidward: Thanks, Farmer Brown. [at Jess] It's been a thrill serving you.
John: Can I get some extra salt?
Squidward: We're all out.
John: Could you check?
Squidward: No. [John glares at Squidward as he leaves. Bubble Bass walks up to order] Let me guess, I need a small salad?
Bubble Bass: I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. [Squidward gives up writing all of that down]
Squidward: We serve food here, sir. [SpongeBob shows Squidward he has already gotten the order done]
SpongeBob: I got it already, Squidward. [gasps] Bubble Bass.
Bubble Bass:[pushes Squidward away] SquarePants. [walks to SpongeBob] I hear talk you make a mean Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob:[staring at Bubble Bass] Yep. I hear talk you're kinda picky.
Bubble Bass: Yep.
SpongeBob: Well then... here ya go! [Bubble Bass takes the plate and sits down where he examines the Krabby Patty until he decides to take a bite] Well, Bubble Bass, whaddaya think?
Bubble Bass: This is pretty good. Only one thing. You forgot the pickles! [shows no pickles on the patty]
Bubble Bass: The best there is? I don't think so. You lose! [laughs]
SpongeBob:[checks patty for pickles] But, the pickles should be right where they always are. I know I put them on! [customers are disappointed; tears the patty apart, finding the pickles] Where are those pickles? Pickles? Pickles? Pickles? [Bubble Bass walks up to Mr. Krabs but also throws Squidward out of the way again]
Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.
Mr. Krabs: Two bucks?!
Bubble Bass: Your guarantee. [points to the menu where in tiny print it says '* money-back guarantee']
Mr. Krabs: Oh. That. Well, can't we talk about this? [takes out two dollars and Bubble Bass grabs it]
Bubble Bass: No.
Mr. Krabs: [pulls money back] How about a discount on restroom tokens? [Bubble Bass takes money back]
Bubble Bass: Afraid not.
Mr. Krabs: How's about a free glass of water? A dozen free glasses of water! I'll even put ice in it! [Bubble Bass walks out the Krusty Krab with the money] No! Come back! Two dollars! Two dollars, no! No! [walks over to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know I put pickles on that Krabby Patty.
Mr. Krabs:[grabs SpongeBob] That two bucks is comin' out of your paycheck! [SpongeBob tries to hang onto the floor]
SpongeBob: Wait! Wait! Wait! [Mr. Krabs throws SpongeBob into the kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, we got orders waitin'!
Squidward: I need a Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: Okay, I am not gonna blow it this time. Let's see. Bun down. Then ketchup, then mustard, then pickles? No! That's not right! [starts a new patty] Bun down. Mustard, then ketchup, lettuce, then the pickles? No! [tries again] Mustard down, bun stuff down d'oh, where's the patty go? [tries again and uses the same bun] Pickles, ketchup, wait! Think! Think! I'm losin' it! [tries again] Bun down, shoe, mustard, pan, bun... no! [Mr. Krabs comes in] Mr. Krabs, I am so confused. I can't remember how to do anything.
Mr. Krabs: Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. Who will make the Krabby Patties?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry about that. We've got Squidward!
Squidward: Huh? [SpongeBob walks out and goes home]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs is right. I need to get my head straight. Now is it bun, patty, ketchup... [looks up and notices door is not there] The door! The door! Mr. Krabs, the front door is missing! [Mr. Krabs opens door a couple feet away] Oh. [laughs] Sorry about that, Mr. Krabs. This pickle thing has got my head all messed up. I better go on home and rest my brain. [walks out] Uhh, which way do I live? [Mr. Krabs points the path] Of course. [laughs. Later, we see SpongeBob in his house trying to write down the formula] No, no! Was it bun, patty, bun... Let's see, tomatoes, pickles, bun? No. Bun? No. Bun? No. Shoe? [throws paper and pencil away] I am so confused! Maybe a good night's sleep will help me get my head on straight. [at night]
SpongeBob: Oh... was it mattress, mattress, sheets, pillow, then SpongeBob? Or... [hits head with fist] D'oh... think, Sponge! Oh yeah! It was mattress, SpongeBob, mattress, then sheets, pillow. [gets in between the two mattresses] Good-night, Gary.
SpongeBob: Aw, this isn't right. [he slips out and stands upside-down on his bed] Good-night, Gary.
SpongeBob: Wait, this isn't right either. [SpongeBob lays down on his back] Nope. [SpongeBob is between each railing of the ladder] Nuh-uh. [tries sleeping with a mattress on his head] Negative. [tries sleeping on the ground next to his mattresses] C'mon, c'mon! Get it right. [tries in the lifesaver] Wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Nope! Naw! Negatory! Nyet! [keeps doing the wrong things as the clock fast-forwards to morning where the alarm goes off. SpongeBob is under all three mattresses on the floor] Aww, I almost had it! Alarm clock. D'oh, how do I turn this thing off? Think, think, think, think!
SpongeBob: Gary! [picks up Gary and shoves him in the foghorn alarm where it is still going off. At The Krusty Krab]
Squidward:[there is black smoke coming from kitchen. Squidward clears the smoke off with a fire extinguisher] Patties are done. [Mr. Krabs notices black, burnt patties and gets irritated]
Mr. Krabs: Arrgh!
Unknown Anchovy: Hey, he burnt my Krabby Patty.
Martha: He burnt my fries.
Billy: He burnt my shake. [all yelling and mumbling]
Mr. Krabs: No! Come back! No! No! Arrgh... I gotta get SpongeBob back!
[cuts to SpongeBob's house, he nailed a toaster to the door]
Mr Krabs:[opens door] SpongeBob? SpongeBob!
[music playing in reverse; the house is a total disaster as everything is misplaced and things are everywhere and opposite]
SpongeBob:[ has underwear on his head] Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?
Mr. Krabs: Why you talkin' funny, lad? [takes the underwear off SpongeBob's head]
SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles.
Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, you'll be back makin' Krabby Patties like your old self in no time!
SpongeBob: I think don't ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. [walks off]
Mr. Krabs: But you're fine, me boy! [SpongeBob walks right through the wooden kitchen door] Ohh... uhh, well... maybe not. [walks into the kitchen where SpongeBob is nailing a piece of bread to the table] All we need to do is get your confidence back. So, you can make me more money! I-I-I mean, patties. [chuckles]
SpongeBob: I how do that?
Mr. Krabs: It's like riding a bike. You never forget! [notices a bike in a boiling pot of water on the stove] Uhh... I'm gonna help ya! [shown both of them sitting on the ground in SpongeBob's living room] If you learn to make a Krabby Patty again, your life will be back in order. [takes out a blanket with all the ingredients on it]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I don't know if I...
Mr. Krabs: Take your time. [SpongeBob thinks of the Krabby Patty formula. It soon turns to night then day again. SpongeBob reaches for a bun and Mr. Krabs gets excited. SpongeBob puts bun back down]
SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. [Day becomes night again. Then day again and then night again. Mr. Krabs is sleeping till SpongeBob wakes him up] I got it! I got it! It's all very clear to me now, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: It is?
SpongeBob: Yes! I finally realize that I can't do it! I can't do it, Mr. Krabs! I'm a failure!
Mr. Krabs: Don't talk like that!
SpongeBob: Don't you get it, you crustaceous cheapskate! I can't make a Double Krabby Patty with the works! [Makes patty as he tells Mr. Krabs the ingredients] I can't put a patty on a bun, with lettuce, cheese, onions, tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and top bun together in that order! [notices the patty he just made]
Mr. Krabs: It's time.
[Mr Krabs and SpongeBob walk back to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob then rescued Squidward from the burning kitchen and extinguishes him too]
Man: Hey, SpongeBob's back! [men and women cheering]
Bubble Bass: I hear SquarePants is back! [SpongeBob opens the kitchen door]
SpongeBob: I'm right here, Bubble Bass.
Bubble Bass: I thought I ran you out of town. [spits a loogie into a bucket]
SpongeBob: This is where I belong! [holds up bubbles and blows one] .
Bubble Bass:[Gives a weird sounding roar]
[The crowd gasps. SpongeBob and Bubble Bass glare at each other, while Mr. Krabs is sweating with anticipation]
Bubble Bass: Give me the regular. And this time, don't forget the pickles.
SpongeBob:[rushes into the kitchen and comes back with a Krabby Patty in the blink of an eye] I didn't.
[Mr. Krabs is violently sweating as Bubble Bass examines and eats the patty]
Bubble Bass: ...Still no pickles! [SpongeBob notices] See? [sticks out his tongue with all the chewed up food on it. Everyone is getting sick at the sight of it and are disgusted] You failed again, SpongeBob "Loser"Pants! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Wait a minute! [grabs Bubble Bass' tongue and pulls it out] Look! [shows four pickles under Bubble Bass' tongue] He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time too!
Shubie: And there's my car keys! [everyone walks up to Bubble Bass, all glaring at him]
Bubble Bass: And... there's my ride! [runs out the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
Squidward: Oh, boy.
SpongeBob: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone: Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip...
All: Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. The frown becomes more droopier with each "Boo"]
SpongeBob: Hip hip...
All: Boo! [Scene changes to outside of the Krusty Krab]