This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Patrick-Man!" from season nine, which aired on October 27, 2012.
- [the episode starts at SpongeBob's House]
- SpongeBob: [hands Gary a bowl of food. Gary takes a bite of the food and SpongeBob puts on his Krusty Krab Hat. He then opens the door and sees Patrick, whimpering, and he jumps onto SpongeBob's couch] What's the matter? You seem so sad.
Patrick: (angrily) Oh yeah, well uh, you know what's sad? This. (points to and touches SpongeBob's hat.)
SpongeBob: My hat is sad?
Patrick: No! You have a special hat. Which means you get to go to your special-happy-worky place. While I just stay... (turns around and whimpers some more) bored all day. I want a special-happy-worky place too! (cries).
SpongeBob: First thing's first, Patrick. What do you like to do?
Patrick: Uhhh... (drools; zooms into Patrick's head and shows an oval image of an tidal wave with a large breeze passing by blowing sand.) Sand.
SpongeBob: Oof! (SpongeBob turns around and slaps his head) Ooh, I gotta run. I have patties to flip, (runs to the door) but I sure hope you figure your problem out. Think about it. (closes the door)
Patrick: Think about it. Think, Patrick think. Hmmmmm... hmmpphh! (Patrick's head swells up like a balloon and pops.) Thinking is painful. (swings his deflated head over to look like a ponytail.) Break time. (Walks over to SpongeBob's chair, sits down, picks up the remote and turns on the TV. TV shows commercial of Nicholas Withers on a small boat with three other fish in the background laying down and relaxing.)
Nicholas Whithers: Are you irritable? Listless? Jobless? Have you ever asked yourself: "I'm a loser. What am I doing with my life?" Well look no further. I have an answer that has helped millions-
(Patrick changes channel. TV shows commercial of dolphins swimming and frolicking.)
Announcer: Be all you can possibly be. (dolphin noise) Join the Marine Dolphins. (dolphin noise followed by Patrick changing the channel. TV then shows Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy cornered by Manray with a raygun in his hand.
ManRay: Muhahahahahahahaha! (Display case falls on Manray) Huh? (action card shows: Clang!) The inescapable display case! (Bangs on case with fists) Noooooooooo!
Barnacle Boy: (shakes Mermaid Man's hand) All in a day's work ehh, Mermaid Man? (both superheroes face the screen.)
Mermaid Man: Remember: It's up to you (points up with hand) to reveal the true face of crime. Sign up to be part of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Junior Crime Fighters. (Patrick turns off TV.)
Patrick: (gets out of chair.) I gotta figure out what to do in my life.
(Patrick steps on Mermaid Man plush toy that says: "Fight evilllllllll!" Patrick then picks up the toy) Awww I wish I was a superhero. (Patrick's eyes burst in then back out) I know what I want to do with my life! To the changing room! (rushes to the changing room followed by a real seastar spinning towards then away from the screen.) (scene cuts to Patrick pulling out his underwear and putting it on over his pants. Patrick then attempts to put a belt with a buckle with a star on it on, but is hard to put on because of his fat body. He then succeeds and clips the buckle in place.) Ahhhhh. (His body fat then bursts in between his belly and his moobs. He then grabs a giant ice cream cone from SpongeBob's fridge, suddenly with two blue gloves on his hands, and eats the ice cream and a portion of the cone. With ice cream on his mouth, he then slips this cone on his head and bulges his eyes through it. He grabs a jar of seanut butter and writes a backwards P on his chest with seanut butter on his tongue.) At last I have found my calling. I am Patrick-Man: defender of Bikini Bottom! (Runs out the front door then trips on a rock. He gets up and continues running.)
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, what's with all the dilly-dallyin'? We got custumer's money
Squidward: Where? (Krusty Krab is empty)
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Where is everybody?
(The doors open and Patrick appears at the doorway.)
Patrick: Fear not, Patrick-Man is here.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick! I knew our number one customer wouldn't let us down.
(Patrick comes towards Mr. Krabs to covers his mouth and begins shushing him)
Patrick: It's Patrick-Man, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick-Man? What kind of ridiculous name is that?
Squidward: Oh forget the name. Look at the ridiculous outfit. What is that? A pair of briefs?
(Squidward and Mr. Krabs starts laughing as Patrick looks down at his underwear. Then SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen.)
SpongeBob: Ooh! Blaring employee laughter in the common area?
(SpongeBob joins in the laughter with Squidward and Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, what's with the fancy duds?
Patrick: Must I explain everything? I found what I want to do with my life! I am Patrick-Man!!
SpongeBob: (gasps in amazement) That is so exciting! I can't wait to tell Gary, my parents, grandpar- (Before he can finish, Patrick quickly covers his mouth)
Patrick: Shush SpongeBob! My identity must be kept secret! My work here is done. Patrick-Man is off! The city needs my help! (He runs off, but then comes back and holds up a dollar) Oh I almost forgot, can I get a krabby patty?
(The scene changes to high school. We then see three fishes coming in the locker room looking at their exams.)
Fish 1: Hey howdya do on your final?
Fish 2: (showing his paper) I aced it.
Fish 1: (showing his paper) Me too
(Two fish laughs while Patrick spies on them from behind a corner)
Fish 2: Looks like all the studying paid off.
Fish teenagers: High five! (They raise their hands to a high five. Patrick gasps at this and runs in between the two teenagers. They hit their hands between the sides of Patrick's head.)
Fish 2: Whoa, you okay man?
Patrick: Just remember this: Violence solves nothing!
Fish 2: Violence? But we were just giving high fiv--.
Patrick: No time for silly-talk citizen. Patrick-Man is needed elsewhere! (He runs off leaving the two fish teenagers to look at each other in confusion.)
(Scene cuts to a street corner. Mr. Krabs and Mabel are standing in front of
Mr. Krabs: Please ma'am, allow me. (Mr. Krabs grabs Mabel's bag that is in-between them.)
Mabel: Huh? (Turns her neck, but uses her hands instead.) Why thank you, young man.
(Street sign switches from 'don't walk' to 'amble'.)
Mr. Krabs: Hehehehe, not a problem ma'am. It's the least I can doOOOO! (Mr. Krabs spots a dollar on the street. The dollar is carried away by the wind.) Sorry, lady, you're on you're own. (Street sign switches from amble to 'scamper'.)
Mabel: Oh, dear. (Sign goes from scamper back to don't walk.)
(Cars trap Mabel.) Oh, dear!
(The dollar that was blown away is placed on the sidewalk. Mr. Krabs skids up to claim it.)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sweet dollar. Oh, just look at you. So clean. So crisp. Now come to Krabsy. (Mr. Krabs tries to seize the dollar, but is hand chopped by Patrick-Man.)
Patrick: Halt! Patrick-Man is on to you! Thief! Stealing is bad! Bad!
Mr. Krabs: But I found that dollar!
Patrick: Nah, enough!!! This dollar shall stay on the sidewalk, where it belongs. (Places dollar back on sidewalk.)
With Neptune's swiftness, away! (Attempts to fly, but is pushed down by gravity. He then walks with his face on the floor.)
(Mabel walks up to the dollar.)
Mabel: Hey, a dollar! (Picks up the dollar and gasps. She proceeds to put the dollar in her shirt.) This must be my luck day.
(Scene fades to Flipper's Donuts and shifts over to Patrick eating a doughnut in the garbage container at the back. A distant call for help is heard.)
Patrick: Sounds like another job for Patrick-Man! (Licks the doughnut glaze off his mouth.) I'll finish you off later, dale donuts. Right now I must move rapidly and act heroically! Patrick walks to the source of the call at Mrs. Puff's Boating School.) What's this? (Mrs. Puff is shown trying to open the door of a boat with a student fish trapped inside.) Don't move, and freeze!
Mrs. Puff: Huh? (Patrick-Man throws a net around Mrs. Puff.)
Patrick: Let's see you try to bust outta that, boat thief!
Mrs. Puff: Boat thief?! Heavens no! My poor student is trapped inside this boat! The doors are jammed!
Patrick: Jammed doors, huh? (Writes a note and attaches it on Mrs. Puff.) A likely story. With Neptune's swiftness, (Patrick-Man yet again attempts to fly, but is again pushed down by gravity.) away! (He walks away with his body down again. A police van shows up shortly after.)
Mrs. Puff: Ah, merciful Neptune! The authorities are here. You'll be outta there in no time.
Police Officer 1: Well, what do we have here? (Plucks note off and reads it. The note says: Kops!! this iz Bote Theef -Patrick-Man) Looks like Patrick-Man caught another one! (With Police Officer 2 next to him, they both take off their hats.) What would we do without superheroes? (Mrs. Puff is thrown into the van.)
Mrs. Puff: But, I didn't do anything!
Police Officer 1: Grand Theft Vessel is a felony. You remember what a felony is, don't you, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Felony?! Oh, ugh. Patrick-Man...
(Police Van drives away.)
Student Fish: Help?
(Scene fades to the Krusty Krab.)
SpongeBob: Order up! Another Krabby Patty for the gentleman.
Harold Reginald: Thank you. Let's hope Patrick-Man doesn't confiscate this one.
Tina: Yeah! He drank my shake too! Said it was part of an evil plot.
SpongeBob: Eh, sorry, ma'am. I'll get you another. Patrick has taken things too far. (Patrick is on his body on the kitchen floor.)
Patrick: Hey, that's Patrick-Man to to you. ( Patrick gets up, revealing several wood pieces and burns on his body from sliding on the floor.)
SpongeBob: What're you doing out there?
Patrick: Something a non-hero civilian would never understand. (Plucks a wood spike out of his body and screams in pain.) I'm about to unmask one of Bikini Bottom's biggest foes! Right here in the Krusty Krab. And I've intercepted his evil schemes! (Shows SpongeBob a card order of a recipe for coral bits.)
SpongeBob: You've intercepted a recipe for toasted coral bits. Don't you think you're going a little overboard with this Patrick-Man thing?
Patrick: Overboaaard??!! You call this overboard?! Away with Neptune's (Tries to jump through order window, but gets stuck.) swiftness! (Tries to pull himself through, but his fat body is wedged tight in the window.) Villains and criminals, beware! (Keeps trying to pull himself free from the window.) Patrick-Man is here! (Patrick pops out of the window, launches into Squidward and is sent flying past Mabel sitting at a table.)
Mabel: Good gracious. (Turns neck again with hands.)
Patrick: And he always finds out who hides under the mask! (Goes up to blue Fred and attempts to rip his face off.)
Fred: Hey, man, I'd like to hold onto my face, thank you!
Patrick: Oh, right. (Walks up to two fish, male and female, and tries to rip their faces off.) Gotcha!
Male Fish: Yeouch! Let's get out of here and never come back. (Mr. Krabs bursts out of his office and suddenly gets a super-stretched neck.)
Mr. Krabs: Whaaaaaaaat???!!!
(Patrick tries to rip another fish's face off.)
Alright, that does it!
Patrick: Admit it, masked marauder!
Mr. Krabs Enough! (Pulls Patrick and carries him away.) We've all had our fill of Patrick-Man!
Patrick: Aw, but I was about to unmask a supervillain!
Mr. Krabs: Sure you were. (Patrick grabs Mabel's head) What the barnacles are you doing?
Patrick: Protecting Bikini Bottom from a scoundrel!
Mabel: Ohh dear!!
SpongeBob: Let her go, Patrick!
Patrick: No way! (Patrick rips off Mabel's head, which is actually a mask. SpongeBob gasps. The Dirty Bubble emerges from the clothes of Mabel and laughs maniacally.) Hey! Where'd he come from?
SpongeBob (gasps) The Dirty Bubble?!
Patrick: The Dirty Bubble? I wanted to unmask Manray.
Dirty Bubble: Fools, you blew my cover! Now taste my wrath!
SpongeBob: What now, Patrick?
Patrick: SpongeBob, you're looking at a superhero. So naturally, I will rely on my superpowers, (Picks up barrel) and throw some stuff! (Patrick throws barrel and hits Squidward.)
Dirty Bubble: (laughs) I wouldn't call that a total miss.
(Patrick has a table in his hand.)
Patrick: Take this, beast! (Throws table, along with another barrel, but both miss. The table hits the cashier boat and the barrel hits the glass wall of the Krusty Krab and shatters it. Patrick grabs SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Wha, no, Patrick! (Patrick throws him)
Dirty Bubble: Haha, yummy sponge.
Mr. Krabs You've disabled my employees and trashed me restaurant?! Think you might go for the Bubble now?
Patrick: I've got him right where I want him. For the Pit Punch!
Stench from Patrick's armpit forms a pit and flies toward the Dirty Bubble. The Dirty Bubble swallows it and it hits SpongeBob.)
Dirty Bubble: Ha! Let's try that again, but this time, I attack! (Dirty Bubble is flying towards Patrick. Patrick gets scared. He looks down and sees an dirty Krabby Patty and picks it up.)
Patrick: Lunch! (Patrick's ice cream cone point pops the charging Dirty Bubble, defeating him. The fish hiding behind the tables cheer in approval and Patrick eats the Krabby Patty.)
SpongeBob: Way to go, buddy! You're a hero! Uh, may I have your autograph?
Patrick: Why of course, young man. That's uh, SpongeBob with two 7s, right?
SpongeBob: What's your next exciting adventure, Patrick-Man?
Patrick: Actually, (takes off the cone on his head) it's Patrick to you. (Eats cone.) I'm retiring. Having a job is too much work.
Mr. Krabs: Not so fast! I think I need you to use your superpowers one last time. (Hands Patrick a broom and a dust pan. Scene zooms out and shows the Krusty Krab with broken furniture everywhere.)
Patrick: What's this?