[The episode starts off with Patrick laughing in his house]
Patrick: Giddy-up! Hyah!
SpongeBob: Weren't you going to put your vacation slides in the projector, Patrick?
Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [takes out some hash browns]
SpongeBob: Patrick, those are hash browns.
Patrick: Hash browns! [engulfs the hash browns in his mouth]
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, the slides.
Patrick: Right. The slides. [takes out the slides from his belly button] Voila! Uh, now what?
SpongeBob: Now you put the slides in the projector.
Patrick:[chuckles & snaps] I knew that. Put the slides in the projec-- [the stool collapses and the projector breaks into pieces] ...tor. Don't worry, SpongeBob. I've got something even better. [turns off the lights and turns on the lamp, shining the light at the projector screen] Okay, here we go. [makes shadow puppets of his rock] There I was...
SpongeBob:[claps] Ooh, a shadow puppet show!
Patrick: Please, no interruptions.
Patrick: As I was saying... [clears throat] I was lying around my house, not even planning to have a vacation when I heard a knock at my door. [Flashback. SpongeBob walks up to Patrick's rock and knocks on it. Patrick moans] For clammin' out loud! Aww, sheesh! I'm still not there yet? [grunts. Opens his rock with a key. SpongeBob jumps inside and sees Patrick laying on the floor with the key in his hand]
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, what have you done to yourself?
Patrick:[panting] I've been waking up, eating, sleeping, waking up, eating, sleeping, waking up, eating, sleeping for my whole life without a rest. I need a break from the hustle and bustle of my everyday life. [breathlessly] It's so exhausting. [cries] Help me, SpongeBob. Please, help me.
SpongeBob: Pal, what you need is a vacation.
Patrick: That's it! I need a vacation. [cut to Bikini Travel Agency]
Travel Agent: So, you'd like a vacation.
Patrick:[gasps] Oh, great. Another thing for me to d--
SpongeBob:[covers Patrick's mouth] Yes, he'd like a vacation.
Travel Agent: Well, your options are endless, Mr. Star. Anywhere from beautiful white sandy beaches to exhilarating jungle safaris. It all depends on your budget. [SpongeBob and Patrick stare at him. They get booted out]
SpongeBob & Patrick: Ugh!
Patrick: I guess I'll just have to stay home.
SpongeBob: "Stay home"? That's it. You can take a "stay-cation."
Patrick: Wh-what's that?
SpongeBob: Take a vacation at home. No packing, no travel, just do whatever you want to do. Best of all, it's free.
Patrick: Oh boy! [cut to later at Patrick's house]
SpongeBob: All right, Patrick. Enjoy your stay-cation.
Patrick: That's what I'm gonna do, buddy. [goes into his rock and walks up to a check in counter]
SpongeBob:[dressed up in a hotel suit] Welcome to Star Rock Inn, sir. My name is Todd. Can I check you in?
Patrick: I don't know. Can you?
SpongeBob: Ah, yes. Star, Star, Star. [checking in the computer for Star] Patrick Star, room 801. [gives him a key] Your key, sir. And please don't hesitate to let us know if there is anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable. [rings bell twice and is now dressed as a luggage man] May I take your bags, Mr. Star?
Patrick: I don't have any ba-- [SpongeBob gives him two suitcases] Oh... [SpongeBob takes the suitcases back]
SpongeBob: Follow me, sir. Your room is right this way. [opens a door that leads to a bedroom] Your room, sir.
Patrick: Oh, dear.
SpongeBob: Something wrong, Mr. Star?
Patrick: Well, um, honestly, I'm not sure I like the way this room is arranged.
Narrator: One Hour Later.
SpongeBob: Mr. Star, are you sure about this? [standing on top of all the furniture in a pile]
Patrick: No, I--uh, maybe it's the walls. [SpongeBob deflates and all the furniture crashes into a pile of sand] I got it. Let's put the room back the way it was originally!
SpongeBob:[talking about a bathtub full of water] The pool is one of Star Rock Inn's most relaxing features.
Patrick: Ah a pool! [rips off shorts, revealing a black speedo, and walks over to the tub] Where's the diving board?
SpongeBob: The diving board? Ooh, one diving board, coming up. [runs off and puts together a wooden diving board] Your diving board, sir.
Patrick: All right! [laughs and gets on the diving board and does a few flips in the air and hits the bathtub with his head, and then flips into the water]
SpongeBob: You ok, sir?
Patrick:[confused] My head is swimming just fine, thank you.
SpongeBob: Oh, no! [runs off and comes back in a lifeguard outfit] Lifeguard on duty! [blows whistle and pulls Patrick out of the tub] You ok, sir?
Patrick:[teeth chattering] So cold.
SpongeBob: This calls for CPR—candy peppermint resuscitation.
Patrick: So weak. [SpongeBob sticks the candy peppermint in Patrick' mouth] Strength... returning. [licks more of the peppermint. His tummy is rumbling] But I'm still hungry.
SpongeBob: Follow me, sir. [now outside, SpongeBob is dressed as a waiter and puts out a table and a giant rock. He drops the giant rock on his foot which causes it to throb and then deflate] If you would take your seat, sir. [Patrick sits down. SpongeBob puts a bib around his neck] Your dining bib, sir. [Patrick reads it as "who's a good boy"]
Patrick: Wow. What luxury. [SpongeBob, now dressed as a chef, wheels a bbq pit over and gets out a spatula and patty]
SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty coming up.
Mr. Krabs:[clears throat. SpongeBob gives him a dollar] What, no tip?[SpongeBob hands him some coins]
Patrick: Hey, what kind of resort is this? Where's the entertainment?
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, you are absolutely right, sir. [jumps on the table] Presenting the SpongeBob Follies. [vocalizes music while dancing] What the hey.
Patrick: Boring. [SpongeBob does a magic trick. Patrick scoffs] Lame. [SpongeBob swallows a pineapple]
Man: Three, two, one, liftoff. [SpongeBob shoots the pineapple out of his head and into an airplane's turbine, slicing the pineapple's skin off and cutting it into little parts, and back down onto the table]
SpongeBob: Well, what do you think?
Patrick: You are smokin'!
SpongeBob: Aw, it was nothing.
Patrick: No, no, you're really smoking!
SpongeBob: What? [sniffs and sees the patty is burning] Oh, no, the Krabby Patty! [the black smoke fills up around him and Patrick. Patrick exits through the back and his tummy is rumbling again]
Patrick: My tummy is still lonely. [sniffs the aroma in the air] Ahh.[sees the aroma is coming from behind Squidward's kitchen where he is making some sort of stew]
Squidward: [sinffs the stew] Ah. [licks some more] Ah, delish. [brings a bowl of stew to the table] Oh, silly me. I forgot the napkin. [walks off to get it from the cabinet] And now an elegant meal for an elegant person. [walks back to the table to see Patrick eating his stew]
Patrick: I am quite refined. [slurps the rest of the bowl] Ah! [burps]
Squidward: What are you doing here?
Patrick: I'm on vacation! The last resort I was staying at was a dump, but this place is awesome. Oh, hey waiter... [snaps] a napkin, please. [Squidward growls]
SpongeBob:[coming out of the black smoke with a burnt patty on a plate] Mr. Star, your meal is ready. [Krabby Patty dissolves into dust and blown away by the wind] Patrick, where is he? [Squidward screams] Ah.
Squidward: Patrick, you dimwitted moron, get out of my kitchen!
Patrick: Good idea. I think I'll head over to the spa. [bones crack] I could use a massage.
Squidward: Get this into your tiny, tiny, little, tiny brain—this is not a resort. It's my house. There is no spa. And you can't get a massage!
Patrick:[moaning] Oh, yeah, that's the spot. [SpongeBob is giving him a massage] Hey, you should get a massage, too.
Squidward:[scoffs] Not likely. [bones crack] Ow ow ow ow! What the hey?! [pushes Patrick off the table] Move over. I want a deep tissue treatment and don't forget the feet.
Narrator: 5 Hours Later.
[Squidward is sleeping and SpongeBob is tired out]
SpongeBob: So tired. [goes into his house and gets into bed. Sighs but notices snoring is coming from Patrick] Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: That resort next door is too crowded. Then I found this place. It's quiet and peaceful. Good night, SpongeBob. [snores. Cut to Mr. Krabs gargling in front of his sink. Goes into his room, turns on the light, and sees SpongeBob in his hammock, snoring]