This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Patrick's Staycation" from season eight, which aired on November 8, 2011.
Patrick: Giddy-up! Hyah!
SpongeBob: Weren't you going to put your vacation slides in the projector, Patrick?
Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (takes out some hashbrowns)
SpongeBob: Patrick, those are hashbrowns.
Patrick: Hashbrowns! (engulfs the hashbrowns in his mouth)
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, the slides.
Patrick: Right. The slides. (takes out the slides from his belly button) Voila! Uh, now what?
SpongeBob: Now you put the slides in the projector.
Patrick: (chuckles & snaps) I knew that. Put the slides in the projec-- (the stool collapses and the projector breaks into pieces) ...tor. Don't worry, SpongeBob. I've got something even better. (turns off the lights and turns on the lamp, shining the light at the projector screen) Okay, here we go. (makes shadow puppets of his rock) There I was...
SpongeBob: (claps) Ooh, a shadow puppet show!
Patrick: Please, no interruptions.
Patrick: As I was saying... (clears throat) I was lying around my house, not even planning to have a vacation when I heard a knock at my door. (Flashback. SpongeBob walks up to Patrick's rock and knocks on it. Patrick moans) For clammin' out loud! Aww, sheesh! I'm still not there yet? (grunts. Opens his rock with a key. SpongeBob jumps inside and sees Patrick laying on the floor with the key in his hand)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, what have you done to yourself?
Patrick: (panting) I've been waking up, eating, sleeping, waking up, eating, sleeping, waking up, eating, sleeping for my whole life without a rest. I need a break from the hustle and bustle of my everyday life. (breathlessly) It's so exhausting. (cries) Help me, SpongeBob. Please, help me.
SpongeBob: Pal, what you need is a vacation.
Patrick: That's it! I need a vacation. (cut to Bikini Travel Agency)
Travel Agent: So, you'd like a vacation.
Patrick: (gasps) Oh, great. Another thing for me to d--
SpongeBob: (covers Patrick's mouth) Yes, he'd like a vacation.
Travel Agent: Well, your options are endless, Mr. Star. Anywhere from beautiful white sandy beaches to exhilarating jungle safaris. It all depends on your budget. (SpongeBob and Patrick stare at him. They get booted out)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Ugh!
Patrick: I guess I'll just have to stay home.
SpongeBob: "Stay home"? That's it. You can take a "stay-cation."
Patrick: Wh-what's that?
SpongeBob: Take a vacation at home. No packing, no travel, just do whatever you want to do. Best of all, it's free.
Patrick: Oh boy! (cut to later at Patrick's house)
SpongeBob: All right, Patrick. Enjoy your stay-cation.
Patrick: That's what I'm gonna do, buddy. (goes into his rock and walks up to a check in counter)
SpongeBob: (dressed up in a hotel suit) Welcome to Star Rock Inn, sir. My name is Todd. Can I check you in?
Patrick: I don't know. Can you?
SpongeBob: Ah, yes. Star, Star, Star. (checking in the computer for Star) Patrick Star, room 801. (gives him a key) Your key, sir. And please don't hesitate to let us know if there is anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable. (dings bell twice and is now dressed as a luggage man) May I take your bags, Mr. Star?
Patrick: I don't have any ba-- (SpongeBob gives him two suitcases) Oh... (SpongeBob takes the suitcases back)
SpongeBob: Follow me, sir. Your room is right this way. (opens a door that leads to a bedroom) Your room, sir.
Patrick: Oh, dear.
SpongeBob: Something wrong, Mr. Star?
Patrick: Well, honestly, I'm not sure I like the way this room is arranged.
Narrator: One Hour Later.
SpongeBob: Mr. Star, are you sure about this? (standing on top of all the furniture in a pile)
Patrick: No, maybe it's the walls. (SpongeBob deflates and all the furniture crashes into a pile of sand) I got it. Let's put the room back the way it was originally!
SpongeBob: (talking about a bathtub full of water) The pool is one of Star Rock Inn's most relaxing features.
Patrick: A pool! (rips off shorts, revealing a black speedo, and walks over to the tub) Where's the diving board?
SpongeBob: The diving board? Ooh, one diving board, coming up. (runs off and puts together a wooden diving board) Your diving board, sir.
Patrick: All right! (laughs and gets on the diving board and does a few flips in the air and hits the bathtub with his head, and then into the water)
SpongeBob: You ok, sir?
Patrick: (confused) My head is swimming just fine, thank you.
SpongeBob: Oh, no! (runs off and comes back in a lifeguard outfit) Lifeguard on duty! (blows whistle and pulls Patrick out of the tub) You ok, sir?
Patrick: (teeth chattering) So cold.
SpongeBob: This calls for CPR-- candy peppermint resuscitation.
Patrick: So weak. (SpongeBob sticks the candy peppermint in Patrick' mouth) Strength... returning. (licks more of the peppermint. His belly is rumbling) But I'm still hungry.
SpongeBob: Follow me, sir. (now outside, SpongeBob is dressed as a waiter and puts out a table and a giant rock. He drops the giant rock on his foot and deflates it) If you would take your seat, sir. (Patrick sits down. SpongeBob puts a bib around his neck) Your dining bib, sir. (Patrick reads it as "who's a good boy")
Patrick: Wow. What luxury. (SpongeBob, now dressed as a chef, wheels a bbq pit over and gets out a spatula and patty)
SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty coming up.
Mr. Krabs: (clears throat. SpongeBob gives him a dollar) What, no tip? (SpongeBob hands him some coins)
Patrick: Hey, what kind of resort is this? Where's the entertainment?
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, you are absolutely right, sir. (jumps on the table) Presenting the SpongeBob Follies. (vocalizes music while dancing) What the hey.
Patrick: Boring. (SpongeBob does a magic trick. Patrick scoffs) Lame. (SpongeBob swallows a pineapple)
Man: Three, two, one, liftoff. (SpongeBob shoots the pineapple out of his head and into an airplane's propeller blades, slicing the pineapple's skin off, and back down onto the table)
SpongeBob: Well, what do you think?
Patrick: You are smokin'!
SpongeBob: Aw, it was nothing.
Patrick: No, no, you're really smoking!
SpongeBob: What? (sniffs and sees the patty is burning) Oh, no, the Krabby Patty! (the black smoke fills up around him and Patrick. Patrick exits through the back and his belly rumbles again)
Patrick: My tummy is still lonely. (sniffs the aroma in the air) Ahh. (sees the aroma is coming from behind Squidward's kitchen where he is making some sort of stew)
Squidward: Ah. (licks some more) Ah, delish. (brings a bowl of stew to the table) Oh, silly me. I forgot the napkin. (walks off to get it from the cabinet) And now an elegant meal for an elegant person. (walks back to the table to see Patrick eating his stew)
Patrick: I am quite refined. (slurps the rest of the bowl) Ah! (burps)
Squidward: What are you doing here?
Patrick: I'm on vacation! The last resort I was staying at was a dump, but this place is awesome. Oh, hey waiter... (snaps) a napkin, please. (Squidward growls)
SpongeBob: (coming out of the black smoke with a burnt patty on a plate) Mr. Star, your meal is ready. (Krabby Patty dissolves into dust and blown away by the wind) Patrick, where is he? (Squidward screams) Ah.
Squidward: Patrick, you dimwitted moron, get out of my kitchen!
Patrick: Good idea. I think I'll head over to the spa. (bones crack) I could use a massage.
Squidward: Get this into your tiny, tiny, little, tiny brain-- this is not a resort. It's my house. There is no spa. And you can't get a massage!
Patrick: (moaning) Oh, yeah, that's the spot. (SpongeBob is giving him a massage) Hey, you should get a massage, too.
Squidward: (scoffs) Not likely. (bones crack) Ow ow ow ow! What the hey?! (pushes Patrick off the table) Move over. I want a deep tissue treatment and don't forget the feet.
Narrator: 5 Hours Later. (Squidward is snoring and SpongeBob is tired)
SpongeBob: So tired. (goes into his house and gets into bed. Sighs but notices snoring is coming from Patrick) Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: that resort next door is too crowded. Then I found this place. It's quiet and peaceful. Good night, SpongeBob. (snores. Cut to Mr. Krabs gargling in front of his sink. Goes into his room, turns on the light, and sees SpongeBob in his hammock, snoring)
Mr. Krabs: Wake up, laddy.
SpongeBob: Hmm? Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You have another nasty old dream?
Mr. Krabs: Patrick in your bed again?
Mr. Krabs: Aye. Well, good night, laddy.
Good night, sir.