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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Patrick's Coupon" from season ten, which aired on June 17, 2017.
  • [The episode begins at Patrick's house.]
  • Patrick: Ahh! Sea spider! Sea spider! Sea spider!
  • [The sea spider roars. Patrick screams and jumps on his sand chandelier. However, when he tries to hold on, it breaks into bits of sand and he falls down. Patrick picks up a sand chair.]
  • Patrick: Back! Back!
  • [The chair disintegrates into sand. Patrick backs away and ends up getting caught in the sea spider's web behind him. He tries to free himself but it was no use. The sea spider crawls down Patrick attempts to blow it away. But the sea spider crawls onto him, shoots its web on Patrick's eye and traps him in a cocoon. The sea spider then cuts the web and Patrick falls to the floor.]
  • Patrick: Whoa!
  • [Patrick rolls under his sand chair and pops back up with a coupon on his head.]
  • Patrick: Oh, boy! Here it is! My lost coupon! I found it!
  • [Patrick breaks himself free from the cocoon and he and the sea spider give a respectful bow.]
  • Patrick: You have fought well today, sea spider, and now I must leave. For I am going to use this coupon to get an ice cream for my bestest friend in the whole ocean—um.. [looks at his picture with SpongeBob] Sponge Knob Hair Pants! [jumps out of his house and looks around] Hmm. [looks the other way] Hmm!
  • [SpongeBob appears behind Patrick, slurping an ice cream cone.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
  • Patrick: [stutters] Oh.
  • SpongeBob: What you doin'?
  • Patrick: I got this here free coupon and I'm gonna get you an ice cream.
  • SpongeBob: That's nice of you, buddy, but I already got an ice cream.
  • Patrick: Uh...but I'm getting you an ice cream!
  • SpongeBob: Why would ya? I already got one.
  • Patrick: [swats the ice cream cone off of SpongeBob's hand] Because I'm a nice guy! [angrily walks off]
  • SpongeBob: Wow. There goes the nicest guy.
  • [The scene changes to Patrick walking past the Krusty Krab. A metal claw comes down and grabs Patrick. Patrick slips off and falls on the ground. The claw grabs Patrick again, but he slips off and falls again. The claw grabs Patrick the third time, and manages to get a grip on Patrick.]
  • Patrick: Whoa.
  • [The claw swings him over to Mr. Krabs, who appears to be operating the claw with his construction crane.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hooray! I win a free coupon!
  • Patrick: H-how did you know about my free coupon?
  • Mr. Krabs: Me back knows. [pulls up his shirt and his hives appear in the word "free"] It breaks out in hives around anything free.
  • Patrick: [grossed out] Guh.
  • Mr. Krabs: I also know how heavy a free coupon can be.
  • Patrick: It's heavy?
  • [Patrick's coupon falls with the ground. Patrick attempts to lift it, but it's too heavy.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Much too much responsibility for a carefree fellow like you. Tell you what. I'll take that free coupon off your hands for the price of a hearty handshake. [holds out his hand]
  • Patrick: Uh...Oh. Ohh! Oh! SpongeBob does love handshakes.
  • [Patrick goes to do a handshake with Mr. Krabs. All of a sudden, Squidward appears in between them, holding a sandwich.]
  • Squidward: You should be ashamed of yourself! Taking advantage of a simpleton. [pushes Patrick and eats his sandwich]
  • Mr. Krabs: Aww, come on. Can't an old crab have a little unscrupulous fun anymore? [leaves]
  • Patrick: Hey, you ruined my deal! I almost had a handshake!
  • Squidward: [pulls the lever in the crane's controller and sets Patrick down] Oh, you dingdong wing nut! Krabs was just trying to steal your coupon! [leaves]
  • Patrick: Steal my coupon? Hmm. [gasps, backs away and bumps into Dave] You want my ice cream coupon! You can't have it!
  • Dave: Okay. Whatever.
  • Orchid: He never really knew how to sing.
  • Orchid's friend: No! Singers?
  • Patrick: You.
  • Both: Hmm?
  • Patrick: Oh, I see you...peeking at my coupon! It's for SpongeBob's ice cream!
  • Orchid: [sarcastically] Hooray for SpongeBob.
  • [Just then, various people arrive and question about the commotion Patrick is making.]
  • Bikini Bottomites: Hey, what's going on here? [indistinct chatter]
  • Patrick: Get away from me! All of you! You're all after my coupon!
  • [Patrick hovers in a fetal position. He begins to hallucinate and sees illusions of people chanting over him.]
  • Bikini Bottomites: Coupon! Coupon! Coupon! Coupon! Coupon! Coupon! Coupon! Coupon!
  • [During Patrick's hallucination, his coupon flips and Patrick hovers onto it while various people keep chanting over him.]
  • Patrick: No! You can't have my coupon! No! No!
  • [In reality, Patrick is in the middle of the street while hovering in a fetal position. Next to him is a motorbike and a police officer eating at the Café Poulpe. His radio buzzes.]
  • Radio Dispatcher: Officer Slugfish? We got a call about a sea star disturbance on your beat. Please investigate.
  • Officer Slugfish: Roger, headquarters. Hey, you.
  • [Patrick turns and looks at the cop. He sprints away.]
  • Officer Slugfish: Headquarters? I couldn't catch him. He got away. [eats pie]
  • [Patrick continues to run. He jumps over the fence and crashes in the middle of a little girl's tea party with her friends.]
  • Little Girl: You're a bad baby!
  • [The girls beat Patrick up and he runs over the fence with a baby costume on.]
  • Patrick: Whaa!
  • [Patrick's baby costume falls off as he runs. He stops in front of the entrance to Clams Theater. Cameras are clicking everywhere. Patrick forms into a flat star on the sidewalk.]
  • Thaddeus: Oh, look, honey, it's Bikini Bottom's Sidewalk of the Stars. [chuckles]
  • [The couple take pictures of the sidewalk and notice Patrick.]
  • Nancy Suzy Fish: This one's gruesome. Hmm, looks like some kids' cartoon. Should we take a photo?
  • Thaddeus: Nah, waste of film.
  • [The couple walk away and Patrick straightens himself up.]
  • Patrick: Ooh. [his coupon gets blown away] Ah! Come back! [grabs the coupon and falls off the cliff] Ah! [lands in front of the Ice Cream Store] I made it. [laughs as he runs into the store] It's beautiful.
  • [Inside the Ice Cream Store, it was the most amazing thing Patrick has ever seen. There are sprinkle fountains, chocolate syrup waterfalls and rivers, candy cane trees, ice cream mountains, and an ice cream roller coaster that goes around tables. Patrick's mouth begins to water and he slowly walks over to the counter.]
  • Lou: And a good ice cream day to you, sir.
  • Patrick: Yes, it's a good day for ice cream!
  • Lou: And what's your pleasure?
  • Patrick: Oh, I want your bestest ice cream for my bestest buddy, SpongeBob!
  • Lou: Excellent choice, sir. One Heavenly Paradise coming up.
  • [Lou pulls the rubber cow utter and the Heavenly Paradise sundae comes down on a roller coaster cart. The customers cheer and applaud as Patrick's eyes glimmer. The trumpeters blow their candy cane trumpets and the sundae stops right in front of Patrick. Patrick jumps up and down in excitement and the Ice Cream Store employee hands him a spoon. Patrick grabs the spoon and gives the employee his coupon.]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob won't mind if I just take a little taste.
  • [Patrick goes to take a taste. When suddenly, the buzzer goes off and the sundae gets pulled away from him.]
  • Ice Cream Store Employee: Aw, this coupon's out of date. Expired two years ago. Sorry, we can't honor it. [grabs the spoon and leaves]
  • Patrick: No ice cream for SpongeBob? Uh!
  • [Patrick grunts loudly as he attempts to snag someone else's ice cream. Patrick begins to lose his sanity and goes into a temper tantrum.]
  • Patrick: I demand that you honor my coupon! [sobs loudly]
  • Lou: [grabs his ice cream-themed phone] Temper tantrum in center aisle!
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: I'm on it. [pushes Patrick out of the store with his mop]
  • Patrick: Take my coupon! Take my coupon. Take my coupon. Take my coupon. Ah, take my—
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: You poor, miserable creature.
  • Patrick: I'm miserable.
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: You wretched, worthless, shabby—
  • Jimmy Gus: Hey, don't you think you're being a little harsh?
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: Not really. Look at him.
  • Jimmy Gus: [looks at Patrick] Uh! Never mind. Continue and bump it up a little bit.
  • [The Ice Cream Store janitor lifts Patrick up with his mop.]
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: Listen, buddy, there is one person who can honor this coupon; the person who owns this store. The Ice Cream King himself.
  • Patrick: The Ice Cream King?
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: Oh, yeah. He lives up there in that mansion.
  • Patrick: Wow.
  • Ice Cream Store Janitor: Do you need a push?
  • Patrick: Yeah. Would you, please?
  • [The Ice Cream Store janitor pushes Patrick with his mop and Patrick runs up the mountain in a fast pace. He manages to reach the mansion and knocks on the door.]
  • Patrick: Hello?
  • [The door opens and two eyes are seen. A pink arm grabs Patrick and pulls him in. Inside the mansion, there are pictures of ice cream and the Ice Cream King. In the middle is a tall throne that looks like ice cream. The creature who pulled Patrick inside was the Ice Cream King himself, who appears to be almost identical to Patrick.]
  • Ice Cream King: Are you the exterminator?
  • Patrick: Oh. [laughs] No. I'm not the extra gator. I'm here to redeem my coupon for a free ice cream! It's for my bestest friend, but it's out of date.
  • Ice Cream King: [points to a pile of coupons] They're all out of date because I don't know what year it is.
  • Patrick: I don't know what anything is.
  • [Patrick and the Ice Cream King look at each other.]
  • Ice Cream King: Are you smart or dumb?
  • Patrick: [thinks for a bit] Apples?
  • Ice Cream King: Genius! Let's see your head. [squeezes Patrick's head] I can't feel your brain.
  • Patrick: [lifts his foot with his brain appearing in it] It's down here today.
  • Ice Cream King: [lifts his foot with his brain appearing in it] Mine too! High five!
  • [They do a high five but end up hitting each other.]
  • Ice Cream King: Secret handshake?
  • [They both slap each other and fly around all over the place until they stop.]
  • Ice Cream King: Perfect! You don't know the secret handshake either. Hey, I don't know your name. [pushes Patrick]
  • Patrick: Hey, you're right! [pushes the Ice Cream King]
  • Ice Cream King: [snatches the coupon from Patrick] This may still be redeemable according to the fine print.
  • [Patrick attempts to read the fine print, but he can't see it. He pulls his eyes out.]
  • Patrick: I didn't bring my reading eyes.
  • Ice Cream King: Try my glasses! [holds up two glasses]
  • [The Ice Cream King puts the two glasses on Patrick's eye sockets and Patrick reads the fine print.]
  • Patrick: Oh, ooh. It says "garbaldy goop."
  • Ice Cream King: But spelled backwards is... [words in black and white] "Poog Ydlabrag." The King's Challenge!
  • [The scene changes to Patrick and the Ice Cream King sitting on an ice cream sandwich mat.]
  • Ice Cream King: Hair growing contest! [strains and grows himself eyebrows] Ah-ha!
  • Patrick: Wow. Oh... [strains as he grows a beard on his chin]
  • [The Ice Cream King looks at Patrick's beard, but is not overly impressed by it.]
  • Ice Cream King: That's sad. Watch this. [strains for a bit and grows himself a hairdo] Try beating that.
  • Patrick: Oh, man. [strains for a bit but cannot grow anymore hair]
  • Ice Cream King: Ha, ha! I beat you.
  • Patrick: Not so fast! [shows armpit hair] Ha! Can I redeem my coupon now?
  • Ice Cream King: Not just yet. Best two out of three.
  • [The Ice Cream King grabs Patrick and they dress each other in Ice Cream wrestling outfits. They both give each other a respectful bow and begin their fight.]
  • Both: Ooh.
  • Ice Cream King: [does his action pose] Your butterscotch style is strong, Low Fat, but it is no match for my brownie bits!
  • Patrick: Ha, ha, ha! You'll wish your cone was a cup when I whip you into cream! Hi-ya! [shouts as he does he action pose]
  • [The Ice Cream King and Patrick charge at each other and begin their fight. As they fight, their wrestling outfits break apart.]
  • Patrick: They told me you had scoops, but your serve is soft. I see you've studied the ancient art of failure! [smacks the Ice Cream King's butt] Redeem my coupon!
  • Ice Cream King: [gets up] Think fast— [shoots rainbow sprinkles from his hand] rainbow sprinkles!
  • [Patrick uses the two glasses on his eyes to deflect the sprinkles. The sprinkles land on Patrick's tongue and he eats them.]
  • Ice Cream King: You have played with skill and courage. I will honor your coupon.
  • [Patrick giggles and claps. The Ice Cream King pulls out an ice cream cone covered with hair from his armpit.]
  • Ice Cream King: One free ice cream cone!
  • [The two glases fall off of Patrick's eyes as he is shocked. The scene changes to Patrick arriving at SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob opens the door.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, hello, Patrick. What's up?
  • Patrick: I was gonna give you this ice cream, [holds out the melted ice cream cone] but it melted. Instead, I got you this hearty handshake. [holds out one of Mr. Krab's claws]
  • SpongeBob: Aw, I love hearty handshakes, but not as much as I love ice cream!
  • [SpongeBob points to the Heavenly Paradise sundae in the middle of the living room.]
  • SpongeBob: [holds up a spoon] Care to join me?
  • Both: Whoo-hoo!
  • [Patrick and SpongeBob jump into the sundae and ice cream splatters all over the screen. The ice cream splatter forms the words, "The End," ending the episode.]

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