This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pat No Pay" from season five, which aired on August 2, 2007.
  • [at the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs checks the register but it's empty]
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeesh, we need some customers in here. [Patrick comes in Krusty Krab groaning] What's gotten into you?
  • Patrick: I don't know. [his stomach turns into different shapes and sizes] What's happening to me?
  • SpongeBob: I think I can explain. [lifts up Patrick's belly] Yes, I've seen this one before. It's a common symptom. Patrick is suffering from Krabby Patty Withdrawal. He needs one, or he'll keep mumbling about it for the next 3-1/2 minutes.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, he needs one, eh? [to cash register] Methinks a paying customer's in our midst. [to Patrick] Patrick, how's a Krabby Patty with extra cheese sound?
  • Patrick: [gasps] Give me! [Patrick acting like a dog]
  • Mr. Krabs: Not yet. First, I have to know, can you pay for it?
  • Patrick: Oh, yeah, I can pay for it. [Mr. Krabs patting him]
  • Mr. Krabs: Good boy. [cut to Patrick inhaling a bunch of Krabby Patties like a vacuum]
  • Narrator: Ten seconds later... [Patrick is full with a mountain of Krabby Patties snoring]
  • Mr. Krabs: My good man, how you doing? [Patrick mumbles] Excellent. Now, let's get down to business. [gets out his receipt]
  • Patrick: What's that?
  • Mr. Krabs: It's your bill.
  • Patrick: I don't have any money.
  • Mr. Krabs: What? I thought you said you could pay for it!
  • Patrick: [referring to how many Krabby Patties he ate] Oh, I'm payin' for it all right. [belches]
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Non-paying customer! [alarm blares while the whole place is put on lock down]
  • Patrick: [looking puzzled] Huh?
  • Mr. Krabs: [grabbing Patrick by the head] You're gonna pay, one way or another. [cut to Mr. Krabs and Patrick in bathroom] All right, Patrick, if you're not gonna pay for your food with money you're gonna pay with hard, physical labor. I want you to swab the latrine. [looks at the trash and spiders on the floor] I'll be back in a while to check up on you. [mumbles] Bottom-feeding...
  • Patrick: No problem. Tra-la-la-la-la. [pushes the bucket along the floor leaving puddles of water on the ground] Work, work, work, work.
  • Mr. Krabs: [coming back in] So, Patrick, how are you...? [gasps] What in blazes did you do?
  • Patrick: [sitting on the ground with green soap on his belly] I accidentally tried the hand soap. [eats some more and burps] It doesn't taste as good as it smells. [Mr. Krabs mutters while pushing Patrick into the kitchen. Opens up a freezer door]
  • Mr. Krabs: See these ice cube trays? [points to barrel] I want you to put 'em in that bucket.
  • Patrick: How do I do that?
  • Mr. Krabs: Figure it out!
  • Patrick: Uh... I have to be very gentle. [Patrick does the exact opposite; he closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it and the freezer to break into pieces]
  • Mr. Krabs: What the...? What are you doing?
  • Patrick: [stacking ice cubes on remains of barrel] Almost done, Mr. Krabs. [stacks on last ice cube, causing pile to collapse]
  • Mr. Krabs: You've destroyed me refrigerator. [picks up melting ice cubes] You've destroyed many of the things I love. [grabs Patrick by the arm] I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up. [cut to in front of the trash chute] Alls you got to do is throw all of these trash bags down the trash chute, like so. [throws a trash bag down the chute] See?
  • Patrick: Yup.
  • Mr. Krabs: Good, 'cause if you mess this up, you'll never eat another Krabby Patty again! [Patrick screams]
  • Patrick: Hurry, hurry, hurry! [throws some sacks into the trash chute fast]
  • Mr. Krabs: [to SpongeBob] Here, boy, take this sack of loot and put her in me safe.
  • SpongeBob: Okie dokie, Mr. Krabs. [goes by the trash room but hears some crashing so he checks it out] Patrick, what's up buddy?
  • Patrick: [a bunch of trash bags are stuck] I have to get rid of this trash, but it won't go down. [Patrick cries]
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] That's because you didn't hit the trash compactor switch. [turns the compactor on. All the trash is gone]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, you're a genius! [sees the money bag on SpongeBob's shoulder] Oh, no, there's one left.
  • SpongeBob: [Patrick accidentally grabs SpongeBob's money bag. desperate] Patrick, that's not a... [Patrick throws SpongeBob's money bag into the compactor] trash bag.
  • Patrick: [seeing that the compactor won't sucked the money bag] Why won't you go down? [starts flipping switch up and down, causing the compactor to expand]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, well, let's see how the poor boy's doing. Well, did you earn me money back yet, Patrick? [Krusty Krab explodes! The trash compactor comes down in its original spot and sucked the money bag into the trash compactor and all over Mr. Krabs]
  • Patrick: [Mr. Krab's eyes him angrily, knowing this was Patrick's fault] Can I eat now?

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