Party Pooper Pants/transcript

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Patchy Segment, Part I

Narrator: Welcome to SpongeBob's House Party, with your host, Patchy the Pirate. There'll be punch, cookies, explosions, and a brand-new episode of SpongeBob SquarePants!

Old-time crowd: Hooray!

Narrator: Now live, from Encino, California, get ready for a warm embrace from our party host, Patchy the Pirate!

Patchy: Hey, get off my lawn! Party? There ain't no party here! Go away!

Polly: Bawk, come on in!

Patchy: Hush, Polly, don't you see I'm trying to keep out the riffraff?

Polly: Riffraff? Bawk, they're our television audience, barnacle brat!

Patchy: Oh, of course it is! I was just fooling! Welcome! Say, you didn't bring SpongeBob with you, did you? I sure hope he got his invitation.

SpongeBob: I'd sure like to go to this party, but I can't read the invitation!

Patrick: Me neither.

SpongeBob: Whoever sent this obviously has no idea about the physical limitations of life underwater! Well, might as well throw these in the fire.

Patchy: Ah well, come on in. Let me introduce you around. This here's Minnie the Mermaid. She's cooling off here since she's been dancing her scales off, isn't that right, minnie, huh, takin' a little breakie poo?

Minnie: No, Patchy. Actually, I'm in here because if I wasn't, I would die.

Patchy: Ha, ha, that's the spirit! Patchy strikes his hook into Minnie's pool).

Patchy: Huh, let's see, who else haven't you met? That's Longbeard the pirate. Hey, there Longbeard, long time no see!

Neptune: Who dares to interrupt Neptune?

Patchy: Sorry about that Neppy. That's Neptune. He's king of the sea.

Patchy: You kids having fun? Kids are chuckling).

Patchy: He he.. whew! Hosting a party is hard work alright. That reminds me of a time when SpongeBob was hosting a party! Hey,you kids want to see that cartoon? You do? Well then, launch the cartoon!

SpongeBob Segment, Part I

Narrator: Ah, the Barg'n' Mart: A consumer's paradise of brand-like items stocked as far as the eye can see.

(Spongebob rushes to a stack of cans, hurls himself over, grabs a can, and then torpedos towards the register. He then places the can on the counter and immediately pulls out a stopwatch).

SpongeBob: 19 seconds! That's a new record, Lou!

Lou the Clerk: Uh, that's great SpongeBob. $1.42.

SpongeBob: But it's not an official record until we record it into the Book of Records! Lou is sighing). SpongeBob writing: 19 seconds.

Lou: OK, so it's $1.42.

SpongeBob: Sign here, please. *signs* initial here. *signs* and here. *signs* and here. *signs* Oh look, it's a picture I took of you the first time I ever came here. Look at you, so young and happy. Where do the years go? Hey, what's that? Plan Your Own Party Kit. Hey, Lou, how much?

Lou: The Plan Your Own Party Kit? Oh, we're having a special on those. Uh.....they're free! But you have to leave. Right now.

SpongeBob: Let's see, Gary. According to the Plan Your Own Party Kit, invitations are the first order of business. A short guest list consisting of only your closest aquaintances will provide an intimate tone for the evening and provide sioree success. You heard the man, Gary, only our closest friends.

Fish: Who the barnacle is SpongeBob SquarePants?

His wife: I believe he went to kindergarten with you, dear.

Fish: Kindergarten, eh. Oh yeah, SquarePants. Well, I guess it's time to move again.

SpongeBob: Boy, Gary, this Plan Your Own Party Kit is a real lifesaver. How else would I have known to make freshly whipped clotted cream? *tastes* Gary, you'd better call an astronomer, because this clotted cream is out of this world! A bell dings).

SpongeBob: My pinata!

SpongeBob: The Plan Your Own Party Kit encourages creativity when stuffing your pinata. That's why I'm using with deviled eggs!

Gary: Meow?

Spongebob: Good question Gary, but not to worry. The 'Plan your own Party Kit' warns that unsupervised parties can lead to disaster. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of devising a schedule! (takes out list) 8:00-8:05: Guests arrive. 8:05-8:15: Opening remarks and general discussion. 8:15-8:27: Craft corner, followed by name tag distribution. (list rolls across the table) At 8:27, we begin the qualifying rounds for our cracker-eating slash tongue-twister contest. 9:07: running charades. (list rolls along the wall) 9:38: charity apple-bob. (list is still rolling around) 9:57: Electric jitterbug dance marathon, ladies’ choice. (winks at Gary. The list stops on Spongebob's head) At 10:09, things start cooking as I dig into my world-famous knock-knock joke vault!

Gary: Meow.

Spongebob: And as long as we stick to this schedule, our party is a guaranteed success! This is gonna be the coolest party eva! (puts a party hat on Gary’s shell)

Patchy Segment Part II

Patchy: Looks like it's smooth party sailing for SpongeBob so far. Now it's time for me to get my own party underway! Gather around, ye scurvy landlubbers, it's time to learn the peg legged dance o' happiness. Oh, it's quite simple really, all you need is a peg leg and some patience. And my instructional video series, only $29.95. Polly: bawk! How tacky.

Patchy: It's a $40.00 value, Polly! A 40.00 VALUE!!!! Now, it's very easy and loads of fun.

Some dude in yellow coat: Hey, everybody, the band's here!

Patchy: Band? What band?

Polly: The band I hired for the party. Patchy is laughing).

Patchy: A jolly idea, Polly. Who'd you get? Barnacle Bill and the Seven Seas?

Polly: No.

Patchy: Seaweed Sally and her turtle?

Polly: No.

Patchy: Oh, oh, I know: The First Mates.

Polly: No.

Patchy: Salt Water Sam, featurning the Brine Brothers.

Polly: No.

Patchy: Rusty hinges and the Boys from the Brig?

Polly: They broke up years ago!

Patchy: Well, who else is there?

Polly: The Bird Brains.

Patchy: Oh.. ha he huh?

Polly: The Bird Brains are much better than those other bands.

Patchy: But they're just a bunch of birds!

Someone: HELLO, ENCINO! The Bird Brains play all this heavy metal music. That blasts Patchy about seven homes (literally)

Patchy: Stop the music!! Look boys, I know that you fella sound good around the birdbath, but this here's the big time. I'm afraid it's time for you to walk the plank.

Lead Singer: Does that mean we're fired?

Patchy: No... Patchy and the band go to the plank.

Patchy: Now walk, or you'll be dealing with the business of my sword. Ha ha ha... The birds are flying away.

Patchy: No! I forgot that you're birds! Ahh!

SpongeBob Segment Part II

Narrator: While Patchy pulls himself together, let's see how SpngeBob's party is shaping up.

SpongeBob: Okay, Gary, get ready, it's almost 8:00. Here they come. Don't worry too much, Gary, it's only ten seconds after 8:00. Now it's 20 seconds past 8:00! Maybe nobody got their invitations! Thirty seconds past 8:00! Oh, I'm doomed. No one's coming. I'm the worst host ever. *doorbell rings* Oh, the first guest, and only forty seconds late! Sponge opens his door.

Pat: Hi, SpongeBob.

Sponge: Welcome, Patrick! Can I comment you on being fashionably late? Can I get you a glass of fruit punch?

Patrick: Sure.

SpongeBob: So, did you have any trouble finding the place? Here you are.

Patrick: Thanks.

SpongeBob: Heh. So, is the punch okay?

Patrick: Not bad, not bad.

SpongeBob: Nice weather we're having.

Patrick: It's been very mild, yes.

SpongeBob: Yep. It's mild season. *laughs* So, you read any.. *doorbell* Oh! More guests! Mr. Krabs walks in.

SpongeBob: Welcome, Mr. krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Please let Gary take your coat. Then allow me to offer you some hors d'eorves and some punch.

Mr. Krabs: Don't mind if I do.

SpongeBob: Two down, and 175 to go. Gosh, I almost forgot! These nametags eliminate the need for awkward introduction. *doorbell* More guests!

Patrick, reading the nametag: Kcirtap si eman ym o77eh. I don’t get it.

Mr. Krabs: No, you dumb bunny, is says: "Hello, my name is Patrick".

Patrick: Nice to meet you, Patrick.

Mr. Krabs: Ar ar ar ar, good one, Patrick.

Patrick: Ha ha ha, yeah.

SpongeBob: What is going on here? The laughter isn't scheduled till 9:03. If you want to throw a party, do it at your house, Patrick.

Patrick: Was he talking to me or you? *doorbell*

SpongeBob: Squidward, you made it!

Squidward: My cable's out.

SpongeBob: Oh, sorry to hear about that.

Mr. Krabs: So, uh, how's it going, Squidward?

Squidward: Not bad.

SpongeBob: Ahem. I have you making light conversation with Mr. Krabs from 10:41-10:47. Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk. But, if you have a case of the jibber-jabbers, I can pair you up right now with Scooter. Here are some topic cards, break the ice. *doorbell* Someone's at the door!

Scooter (The dude fish): Mine says: "Which came first, the oyster or the pearl? You take the side of the pearl."

Squidward: This is lame.

Yellow Fish: My card says, "Discuss the philosophical nature of irony." What does yours say?

Patrick: Nod politely.

Mr. Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?

Plankton: It says, uh, "Discuss the Krabby Patty secret formula." How interesting!

Mr. Krabs: Nice try, Plankton. Doorbell!

SpongeBob: Well, it's about time.Alright everyone. The final guest has arrived.22 minutes late.

Green Fish: Hey, hey!

SpongeBob: Attention, everyone! Attention please! Now that everyone is here, I declare this party to be switched into the "On" position. As soon as I get back from the coatroom, we'll have a rundown of tonight's scheduled events. Don't try to have too much fun without me! Seriously.

Narrator: That includes you folks. SpongeBob's House Party will be back after these messages.

Narrator: Welcome back to SpongeBob's House Party!

SpongeBob: Hey, Gar, here's another coat for you. The party's going great, by the way. They're going to be talking about this one for a long, long time. Well, back to "work", daaaaa.

SpongeBob: Okay, everybody, I.. wha? Everyone is actually having fun.

SpongeBob: This is all wrong. What's happening to my party? *To Larry* No, no, no! Didn't you read the schedule? 10:00 PM, Dance Your Pants Off. 10:00 PM!!! Sponge vacuumed a fish's slice of the cake.

SpongeBob: Let's try to stick to the schedule, shall we? It's only 8:52!!!

SpongeBob: Could everyone please sit on the couch while I try to sort this out, thank you. Hey everybody, thanks for your patience. I know we've gotten off to a rocky start here, and I'm going to get us back on track. It is now 8:37 and you know what that means, time to read aloud from the newspaper comics! Let's see, I think I'll start off with the Weisenheimers.. let's see, panel one: Wait, I can't read from this! *cheering* This is yesterday's paper! I'll go and get today's! *groaning*

EVERYONE PARTIES! WHOO!

SpongeBob: SpongeBob, you sure know how to throw a party. Wha? Locked out? Why don't they hear me? OH NO! They're not using the topic cards, they're ad-libbing! Oh, now they're mad at Patrick, because he's hogging the deviled eggs!Have they gone mad? Oh no! The party's turned into chaos without my hosting talents to guide it!

Patrick: Do you come here often? Mrs. puff: No.

• Phone rings*

Patrick: Hello, SquarePants residence. What? I'm sorry. What? Sponge through Phone: It's me, SpongeBob!

Patrick: You want to talk to SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Ye.. NO! Patrick? I'm outside.

Patrick: Ok, I'll check. SpongeBob, are you out there? SpongeBob, phone's for you!

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, wait!

Patrick: I'm sorry he's not out there! (closes door)

SpongeBob runs into door

Scooter: Dude, if you're looking for SpongeBob, he's over by the punch bowl.

Patrick: Here you go, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Phone in punchbowl? That's not even on the schedule!

Larry the Lobster: Larry, my man, you are looking good enough to eat. Could use a little teeth whitener, though. I'm sure SpongeBob won't mind. Hey, check out this nifty comb!

SpongeBob: Sounds like someone is rummaging thrugh my medicine cabinet! I hope they don't touch my special comb.

Larry: Well, I guess I've aired it out enough. This party's finally starting to pick up.

SpongeBob: I hope this doesn't interfere with Finger Puppet Theatre at 9:20.

Pearl: Gee, SpongeBob sure knows how to throw a great party.

Mrs. Puff: Yes, everything is quite nice. Ohh.. I don't like his taste in paintings though.

SpongeBob:I have no idea how that happened. Well, i guess I have no choice. I have to tunnel back in! Ow! I can take losing the topic cards and having the phone in the punchbowl, but.. I was supposed to lead the Bunny Hop! This is a bunch of barnacles! I'm breaking in!

• siren*

Police Fish #1: Well, well, well, well. What do we have here? A burglar bunny. I wonder why they do it, O'Malley?

Police Fish #2: Probably how he gets his kicks.

Police Fish #1: You criminals make me sick.

SpongeBob: I'm no criminal. I live here. I was hosting a party and got locked out!

Police Fish #1: Well, why didn't you say so?

Police Fish #2: Have a nice party, son.

SpongeBob: Wow, for a second there I thought I was going to be arrested for breaking into my own house. What an ironic twist that would've been. Daaaa...

Police Fish #1: Wait a minute. If you're hosting a party, how come you didn't invite us?

SpongeBob: The Plan Your own party kit didn't mention the babb ab b... police..

Police Fish #2: Okay, motor-mouth, tell it to the judge. Oh man, we can't use these handcuffs, they're broken.

Police #1: I have an old pair in the car we can use.

SpongeBob: Is it too late to offer you some punch?

Police Fish #2: Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

SpongeBob: All night in a stony lonesome, with a bunny outfit.. oh yeah, the door's locked. Good think I have a spare key UNDER THE MAT! Oh look at this place, the party was a complete disaster.

Patrick: That was the greatest party any of us had ever been to!

SpongeBob: It was?

Patrick: Oh yeah. You're the best party-thrower ever!

SpongeBob: I am?

Patrick: Now whatever you did, write it down, and do it again next weekend! Goodbye spongebob!

SpongeBob: SquarePants, you've done it again. I know how to throw a party after all. Gary! It looks like you've had a good time. Good night???? Gary.

Patchy Segment Party III

Patchy: Oh ho ho, I'm glad to see that SpongeBob's party worked out. Now I need to get me own party going! Ready for some real music, Polly?

Polly: Ready!

Patchy: Oh... scurvy ain't for the likes of me, yo ho yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho... Oh!!! Yo ho yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho.. Oh, scurvy ain't for the likes of me..

Polly: BAWK! It's time for your flute solo.

Patchy: Thanks, Polly, I.. wait a minute, I don't play a flute, I play a fife. Ahh!! POLLY, NO!!!!! KA-BOOM!!

Polly: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bird Brains!

Bird Brains: Come with me to the land I love, it's not right, down the street or up above, it's down below in the deep blue sea, where SpongeBob lives and the fun is always free.. Down, down, down to the bottom of the sea, where our salty friend SpongeBob waits for you and me. Down, down, down, oh we'll have lots of fun. You and me forever in the underwater sun. We'll catch some jellyfish if we get a chance, say hello to Patrick, and do a little dance, karate-chop Sandy, see Squid get a tan, eat a Krabby Patty and foil plankton's plan.. Down, down, down to the bottom of the sea, Where we wait for SpongeBob and his snail Gary. Down, down, down, oh we'll have lots of fun. You and me forever in the underwater sun. Underwater Sun (song ends)

Patchy: Aha! Great job, boys! Don't hit the porthole on the way out. And thank you for stopping by! You've made this party a real fun time.

Polly: Bawk, the ladies are here!

Patchy: Oh! Ladies! Shiver me timbers! No!

Polly: Bye Folks!

Patchy: It's Polly you're after!

Narrator: Thank you for coming to Spongebob's House Party!