[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab where Squidward is selling his paintings.]
Squidward: Ladies and gentlemen, behold my wondrous paintings!
[The customers ignore him and continue eating their foods. Squidward moans and gets really angry.]
Tom: Um, excuse me, can I have some ketchup?
Squidward: Hey, look at my arts you dummy!!
[Tom falls over, splattering patties all over SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs:[wipes the patties off his face] I don't know how you talked me into this art show, SpongeBob, but I'm shutting this thing down right now! [wipes the patties off SpongeBob's face]
SpongeBob: Aw, you can't, Mr. Krabs. Wait until Squidward sells some of his paintings.
Squidward: Buy some important paintings. See me expose my exquisite suffering.
[The customers continue to ignore Squidward and continue eating their foods.]
Squidward: Hmph! These fools don't even recognize the masterworks in front of their faces. I'll confront them with the power of my art!
[Squidward runs up to a customer with a painting of himself with a shirt on.]
Squidward: Witness the beauty!
[The customer spits his food onto the painting.]
Larry: Come on, Larry! Get your salad on!
Squidward: Come on, Larry! Get your art on! [holds up a painting of his muscular self with a sea bear]
Larry:[his eyes flare up] Oh! My eyes! Ahh! [pulls his burning eyes out and his innards flare up as well] The pain! [runs away]
[Squidward backs away slowly.]
Orchid's son: I want a Krabby Meal!
Squidward:[baby talk] How about some art to go with that? [holds up a painting of two Squidwards riding each other on the beach]
Orchid's son: Ahh!!
Orchid:[screams] Run, baby, run!
[Orchid and her son run out of the restaurant.]
Mr. Krabs: That's it! Squidward is scaring me customers away! I'm shuttin' this art show down! He's never gonna sell his paintings!
SpongeBob: Sure he will! [holds up a painting] I just bought one.
Mr. Krabs:[gasps] Holy shrimp! Why would you do that to yourself?
SpongeBob: What do you mean? I love it.
[SpongeBob holds the painting in front of a customer, but the customer's head burns up and his body crawls to the floor.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward is our friend and his paintings are so cheap, you should buy one just to be nice.
Customer:[coughs] I'm good.
Mr. Krabs: Nice? Nice? I don't waste my money on nice!
SpongeBob: But think about how valuable these paintings might become.
Mr. Krabs: Valuable? What do you mean?
SpongeBob: When art gets older, [his face becomes old] it usually gets more expensive. [his face becomes money] Squidward's paintings might be worth millions someday.
Mr. Krabs: Millions?! [his tongue makes a dollar sign and he pushes SpongeBob] Out of me way! Here! [throws coins at Squidward and takes the paintings] Gimme! [grabs the painting he missed] Give it here! This is mine now!
SpongeBob: Okay, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs:[laughs] Now, all I need to do is sit back and watch me art grow more valuable. [his eyes turn into coins as he laughs]
Art Appraiser: I am a very important art appraiser and I say this so-called art will never be worth a penny.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Eugene H. Krabs does not—[freaks out and gasps] I'll lose money! There must be something I can do to make this art worth lots more cash!
Art Appraiser:[lowers his glasses] Hmm...
Squidward: I sold all my art? This tiny handful of coins has legitimized me! [puts on his beret] Who wants the autograph of a real artiste?
[Squidward paints his signature on a tough guy's forehead, which angers him. The tough guy throws Squidward out the door.]
Art Appraiser: Well, paintings can become much more valuable when the artist is no longer with us. You know. Out of the picture. [pretends to hang himself]
Mr. Krabs: Out of the picture, eh? I think I can arrange this.
[Squidward walks back in the restaurant.]
Squidward: Artist walking. Check me out.
Mr. Krabs: Check this out. [holds out a delivery bag] I have a delivery for ya, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: What? You can't be serious. An artist such as myself should not be subject to such menial tasks.
SpongeBob: Aw, don't be menial to Squidward, Mr. Krabs. I'll take the delivery.
Mr. Krabs: No, Mr. Squidward is a real artist now and real artists can handle anything.
[The scene changes to Squidward walking through the arctic tundra with the delivery bag.]
Squidward: The arctic is so cold! [shivers and the wind blows upon Squidward] Come on, Squidward. You're a strong artist. You can do it! [the wind blows him off] No!
[Squidward is blown off the cliff and falls into the snow next to a snowman who looks like SpongeBob.]
Squidward:[shivers and looks at the snowman] SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:[sneaks up behind Squidward] Oh, hi, Squidward!
Squidward:[screams] SpongeBob, what are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Just getting some ice. [holds up a large cube of ice] Fresh. [stuffs the ice inside his mouth and laughs] Need some help? [falls in Squidward's hole] Whoa!
[SpongeBob lifts Squidward out of the hole as the SpongeBob-snowman comes to life. SpongeBob and Squidward walk over to an arctic sperm whale.]
Squidward: Here's your food.
[The arctic sperm whale takes the delivery bag and pulls out a Krabby Patty frozen in ice. Then he takes a bite of the frozen patty.]
Arctic Sperm Whale: Hey, this is cold! Perfect!
[SpongeBob and the arctic sperm whale laugh. The whale slaps Squidward and he breaks into pieces.]
SpongeBob: Eeh, we'd better get you home.
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs on the phone in his office.]
Mr. Krabs: Hello, is this the art appraiser? Just wanted to let you know that me good, good friend, Squidward, is now "out of the pict—" [sees SpongeBob and Squidward walk in] Wh—wh—wh—What the seahorse?! [runs up with another delivery bag] Got another delivery for you, Squidward! [points to SpongeBob] And only Squidward!
SpongeBob: Your eyes are so pretty.
[Mr. Krabs giggles. The scene changes to Squidward going to Rock Bottom on a bus.]
Bus Driver: Next [raspberry] stop, [raspberry] Rock [raspberry] Bottom! [raspberry]
[Squidward exits the bus and two very creepy fish swim past him.]
Squidward:[reads bag] "237 Rock Bottom." Oh, there it is! Oh, remember, Squidward, real artists embrace the unknown. [goes down the ladder] Uh, is anyone here? [raspberry] I've got a delivery from the Krusty [raspberry] Krab!
[Creepy fish come up and blow raspberries at Squidward.]
SpongeBob:[screams as he appears next to Squidward] What are we screaming about?
SpongeBob: Oh, they're not monsters, Squidward. They're my friends.
Angler Fish: What's [raspberry] up, [raspberry] SpongeBob? Ha. [raspberry]
[The angler fish and gang put on party hats and dance as they blow raspberries. The scene changes to Mr. Krabs erasing Squidward's picture on the paper.]
Mr. Krabs:[on the phone] Yes, I'm sure that Mr. Squidward is out of the picture for good. He will be missed. So, come on over and tell old Krabs how much money me paintings are worth. [hangs up the phone and laughs]
[SpongeBob and Squidward appear with party hats, laughing.]
Mr. Krabs: Ha, ha, ha, he-he, ha. [sobbing and growls] Squidward, delivery! [gives him another delivery bag]
[Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob and ties him to a chair.]
SpongeBob: Ha, this tickles. [giggles]
Mr. Krabs: Follow me, Mr. Squidward. I've got a special delivery vehicle just for a great artist like yourself.
Squidward: Well, that's more like it. Finally, some respect.
Mr. Krabs: Into the rocket ya go!
[Mr. Krabs pushes Squidward into the rocket ship and Squidward gets strapped into the seat.]
Squidward: Wait! Why do I need a rocket? Where is this delivery to?
Mr. Krabs: Mars. [closes door]
Squidward: Oh, Mars. Well, the...M—M—M—M—M—Mars?!
SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward!
[Mr. Krabs launches the rocket and it blasts off into space. The rocket flies Squidward all the way to the planet, Mars. Squidward walks towards three martians-like creatures and hands them the delivery bag.]
Squidward: Delivery from the Krusty Krab.
[The martian takes the bag and pulls out the Krabby Patty. Then the martian eats the patty.]
Martian: Mmm! Yummy, yummy! [gibberish]
[The martians hover together and eat the delivery Squidward gave them.]
Squidward: Hmph. All this red. So garish. Ha, this dump needs a true artist touch.
[The martian roars and swallows Squidward whole. The scene changes to the Krusty Krab back on Earth.]
Mr. Krabs: So, now that Squidward definitely 100% is gone for good, what a shame, what do you think of these here paintings?
Art Appraiser: Well, of course they're awful, but if the so-called artist is really out of the picture, then perhaps they're worth something.
Mr. Krabs: Really? [sobs] Oh, it's so complicated. These are tears of joy, but they're also tears of sadness for my good friend, Squidward. Wherever he is.
SpongeBob: Oh, here he is, Mr. Krabs!
[Squidward appears in a UFO outside the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob rushes outside.]
Mr. Krabs: Stay here and keep an eye on me investments. [runs outside]
[The UFO drops Squidward off and flies away, leaving him covered in slime. Squidward is paralyzed at the events on Mars, but recovers quickly.]
Squidward:[wipes the slime off and puts his beret back on] Well, that was disgusting. So, who wants to talk about my use of color and brush stroke?
[Mr. Krabs growls.]
Art Appraiser: Ahem! [rips the $150,000 tag] Hmph!
Mr. Krabs: I have done everything I could to get you away from here safely and now you're messing with me money!
[Mr. Krabs pulls out a mallet and Squidward runs away, screaming.]
SpongeBob: Run, Squidward, run!
Mr. Krabs: Hey! How about a little support here?
SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs, run!
[Mr. Krabs runs off after Squidward, screaming.]
SpongeBob: But a little slower than Squidward.
French Narrator: 3 hours later...
[Squidward is still being chased around by Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs is using a human nose mask to track down Squidward. SpongeBob appears hiding behind some rocks, grabs Squidward and covers his mouth.]
SpongeBob: Psst, it's your best friend, SpongeBob.
[Mr. Krabs continues to sniff around.]
Squidward: Oh, get off of me!
SpongeBob: I'll never get off of you, Squidward. Not until you're safe.
Squidward: I'll never be safe! [pushes SpongeBob off] Not until my paintings are gone!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward! You can't deprive the world of your paintings!
Squidward: True, but it's better than depriving the world of me!
[Mr. Krabs finds Squidward and SpongeBob behind the rocks and goes to hit them with his mallet. Mr. Krabs chases Squidward and SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab in a fast pace.]
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward! Destroy those paintings before Mr. Krabs gets back!
[Squidward pulls out a power saw and hesitantly goes to destroy the paintings. However, he doesn't have the guts to do it.]
Squidward: I...I can't do it! They're just too magnificent!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! Get away from me paintings!
Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry, paintings, but it's you or me!
[Squidward destroys several paintings with his power saw.]
Art Appraiser: Yes, yes! Now, this is true art!
Squidward: What? Really?
Art Appraiser: So visceral! So dangerous!
Squidward: Yes, feel my art! [destroys some paintings with his power saw]
Mr. Krabs:[crashes through the doors] Leave me paintings alone, you monster!
Art Appraiser: No! That was the most accelerating performance art I have ever seen!
Mr. Krabs: Really? So, it must be worth millions! Hey, out of me way!
[Mr. Krabs proceeds in helping Squidward destroy all of the paintings. Then they go to destroy the office and some tables.]
SpongeBob:[chuckles nervously] Mr. Krabs, uh, Squidward, I—I don't think you should be doing that.
Squidward: Oh, don't be so provincial, SpongeBob!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, stop trying to censor our money! I mean our art!
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward continue to destroy everything in the Krusty Krab. They destroy the menu, the clock, and the cashier boat. They even destroy the table of a paid customer, who was about to eat his lunch.]
Art Appraiser:[gasps] Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward continue to destroy the Krusty Krab until it is nothing but shambles. They exhaustedly walk up to SpongeBob and the art appraiser.]
Mr. Krabs: Whoo, boy! Hee, hee! So, how much ya gonna give me for all this? Ha, ha.
Art Appraiser: Nothing! Performance art is about the moment. You cannot put a price on it. [walks off]
Mr. Krabs: What? Wait, come back here, you double-crossin'—
[A piece of the roof falls on top of Squidward and Mr. Krabs, crushing them.]
SpongeBob: D'oh! Mr. Krabs! Squidward!
[SpongeBob lifts the roof piece up.]
Art Appraiser: Ah-ha!
[The scene changes to the art appraiser giving a tour around the art museum.]
Art Appraiser: And that is how I acquired this masterpiece.
[The masterpiece turns out to be a completely flattened Mr. Krabs and Squidward who are stuck on the fallen roof piece. The tourists chatter in wonder.]