Oral Report/transcript

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• (The episode opens to the Krusty Krab and we see Squidward reading a magazine that says Everybody Ablomp Now. He then looks from the magazine and see a bunch of fish on the tables staring at him. Squidward twitches his eyebrows in a suspicious way. One of the customers slowly closes his eyes and opened it back. Squidward jumps by this and another customer falls over and licks the floor.)

• Squidward: (whispers with clenched teeth) Spongebob, why aren't those orders up yet? (Cut to the scene where we see two fishes with forks and knives and they're moaning like zombies. Squidward is stunned by this. Scene cuts to the kitchen. (He pokes his head through the window. Spongebob, the collective blood sugar around here is dangerously low. (looks down on the grill to see some cards on it) Why are you grilling index cards? (close up to the index cards that talks about boating school)

• Spongebob: Sorry, Squidward, I got a little distracted. (holding up an index card) I'm practicing my oral report for Boating School tomorrow.

• Squidward: You know, Spongebob, statistics show that public speaking is the number three cause of stress right behind death and marriage. NOW GET THOSE ORDERS READY!

• Spongebob: Okay! Okay! (takes off his hat and shoves out seven patties from inside it) Hm, what's so scary about public speaking anyway? You just stand in front of the public and speak publicly. It's really no different to what I do everyday.

• (Scene cuts to Spongebob coming out of the kitchen with a krabby patty and gets shocked. We see a bunch of fishes looking like zombies)

• Spongebob: No big deal, Spongebob, you just stand in front of them... (Cut to the scene where we see the customers moaning and the background changes to swirls) ...front of them looking (Spongebob backs away slowly to the kitchen) ...at me (closes the kitchen door. He peaks through the window and sees the customers) ...with their eyes! (He shrieks and ducks) Squidward is right! Public speaking is frightening!

• Squidward: (grabs the krabby patty from Spongebob) MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF? (looks to his left) Stay back! You'll get your patty when it's your turn. (Squidward gets pulled back and gets beaten up. Spongebob stretches his legs up and peaks over at the window. He looks at the fight and ducks as a barrel crashes in his direction. Spongebob pulls back steadily)

• Spongebob: I never knew an audience can get so physical. (Squidward screams and is thrown to the back and is continuously mauled by the zombied customers.) It changes everything. (He slowly creeps away as Squidward still gets beaten up.)

• (Scene bubbles over to Patrick's Rock and Patrick goes over to it and opens it. We see Spongebob on the rock)

• Patrick: Oh, sorry, wrong rock. (Patrick turns to leave but Spongebob stretches his arms to grab Patrick and takes him inside the rock.)

• (Scene cuts to the inside of Patrick's rock where we see that Spongebob made it look exactly like the inside of Mrs. Puff's Boating School)

• Spongebob: Patrick, I wonder if you'd help me by lending me your eyes.

• Patrick: Okay. (starts pulling at his eyes) Uhhh...

• Spongebob: No, no, no, no, no, you can keep em. I just want you to watch me while I practice my speech up here. (referring to the little platform he made out of sand) Just pretend you're a student at his desk.

• Patrick: Okay. (goes over to one of the desks made of sand and sits on it)

• Spongebob: (Gets on the little platform and holds up an index card.)

• Patrick: H-Hold on, I'd like to sit in the back of the class. (He moves the sand desk a little farther, stops, then moves up a little)

• Spongebob: Okay, here goes. (reads) Boating safety is...

• Patrick: Spongebob, can I have a hall pass?

• Spongebob: Not now, Patrick. Just sit tight and let me practice.

• Patrick: Fine.

• Spongebob: (clears throat) Boating safe...

• Patrick: Boring! Next!

• Spongebob: Patrick, you're kinda derailing the proceedings here. Just focus on me, huh?

• Patrick: All right, all right. (looks closely toward Spongebob)

• (Cut to a close-up of Patrick's face and he blinks his eyes)

• Spongebob: So, without further ado... (He sees that Patrick has fallen asleep) Patrick? (taps Patrick's forehead) Patrick, wake up. (Patrick slowly wakes up) What happened, Patrick?

• Patrick: Oh, come on, Spongebob, you think everyone can stay awake through a boring speech?

• Spongebob: I don't know. Do you think that's too much to expect?

• Patrick: Yes! And you should be prepared for worse.

• Spongebob: Worse?

• Patrick: You're gonna have things thrown at you you wouldn't believe. You gotta be ready. Now try again.

• Spongebob: Okay. (stands on the small platform) Boating safe... (A pillow is thrown at his face) Boating safe... (More pillows are thrown at Spongebob and we see that Patrick is the one that's throwing the pillows)

• Patrick: That's it! (grunts) Fight through! (Spongebob is buried in a pile of pillows, but he rises up from the pile panting)

• Spongebob: Patrick, nobody throws pillows in class.

• Patrick: Says you! Speech!

• Spongebob: Boating safe...

• (Patrick walks up to him dressed up like Mrs. Puff)

• Patrick: (imitating Mrs. Puff) Spongebob Squarepants, what a mess you've made of my classroom.

• Spongebob: Uh, you sorta add a hand in that too Patrick.

• Patrick: (imitating Mrs. Puff) Young man, how dare you! (He writes into a small notebook, tears a paper out, and hands it to Spongebob which is a detention slip)

• Spongebob: A detention slip?

• Patrick: (imitating Mrs. Puff) I'm not hearing your oral report.

• Spongebob: Okay. (reads) Boating safe... (A treadmill is place under him and he's running on it)

• Patrick: Try again.

• Spongebob: (panting) Boating safety... (Patrick bangs on cymbols causing Spongebob to lose his balance and hang on the handles)

• Patrick: Come on, Squarepants! Is this the best you can do?

• Spongebob: Patrick, somehow, I don't think this is working. (As he is saying this his body starts to shred into a pile of yellow dust with his arms on top of it due to his body being on the treadmill)

• Patrick: (shouts) Speech! (SpongeBob turns to normal and yells) Speech! Speech! Speech! (SpongeBob gets tears.) Speech! Speech! Speech! (SpongeBob shivers. Now Patrick's eyes are talking) Speech! Speech! Speech! (Now SpongeBob is pulling his eyes) Speech! Speech! Spee -

• SpongeBob: Patrick, stop! Somehow your help just isn't helping. I am more nervous about this oral report than I've ever been about anything. (shudders)

• Patrick: Yeah, you do look pretty terrible.

• Spongebob: Well, if I don't do my report then I don't pass and if I don't pass then I don't get my boating license! (starts crying)

• Patrick: Wait, buddy! I know how you can get your boating license. Your friend the squirrel girl is real good with her paws. (holds up his hands that look exactly like a squirrel's) Maybe she can make you a fake one.

• Spongebob: No, Patrick, that's illegal, but she might be able to help me get over this anxiety. She's always speaking at Science conferences. She's probably full of pointers!

• Patrick: Yeah, or she probably has a robot that can demolish the whole school for ya. (Spongebob looks surprised at what Patrick says)

• (Scene bubbles over to Sandy who is examining Spongebob with her magnifying glass)
• Sandy: Light knuckles, leaky pores, and stomach in knots. Y-y-yep. He does look pretty bad. SpongeBob, you're afflicted to severe oral report-itis. You know, patients with this disease have been known to physically explode. Ker-pow!
• SpongeBob: (shudders)
• Sandy: It has been scientifically proven that (pulls a paper down with a person on it) 85% of speech related stress can be eleniated if the speaker imagines the audience in their underwear.
• (SpongeBob's hand take the underwea off the person and it covers its underwear. He tears the page to cover his underwear)
• Sandy: Everyone will look so silly, you won't even remember you're nervous! Which is why I invented these. (shows an underwear with goggles stuck to it) Goggles that let you see people in your undies. Or, I could just make you a fake boating license.
• SpongeBob: That's still illegal. Give me the goggles! (puts on the goggles but nothing's happening) It's not working.
• Sandy: Well, of course it isn't, silly! I'm only wearing my undies. See if it works on Patrick.
• SpongeBob: (turns to Patrick. He jumps at this) Eh! Ooh, they work.
• (Scene bubbles over to Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
• Billy: "...and they were never heard from again."
• Mrs. Puff: Thank you, Billy. That was an excellent report. Next we have-- (crosses off Billy, then sees SpongeBob) --SpongeBob Squarepants. Ugh.
• Patrick: (zooms over to SpongeBob) Go on, buddy.
• SpongeBob: (gives Patrick a thumbs up. He gets out of his seat and goes to the front of the room. He clears his throat and then freezes. Cut to the other side of the class. Cut to SpongeBob. He gulps)
• Mrs. Puff: Well, SpongeBob? Do you have your oral report ready?
• SpongeBob: (in a small voice) Huh...?
• Mrs. Puff: The assignment I gave you. The one where you talk in front of the class.
• SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Of course I'm ready! (starts sweating) I can do it. (Shubie checks her watch) Um... (Scene goes across the room. In another scene, the background is yellow. It also shows angry people and Patrick about to throw a pillow at him) Oh, no. Oh, no!
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, what are you DOING?
• SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, do I really have to do this?
• Mrs. Puff: No! Only if you want to pass this class!
• SpongeBob: Okay! (walks to the front of the room) Uh, my report...is on... (his pinky starts to vibrate. He holds it) Heh! Must be last-minute genders! (starts to vibrate too. He goes all around the front of the room and stops where he was before) Patrick, where are those goggles?!
• Patrick: Right here. Let me pose them up for ya. (rubs his arm on a lens and it breaks) Here ya go.
• SpongeBob: Thanks!
• Billy: Hurry up! (in his underwear. SpongeBob gasps. The other people are in their underwear too.) Ha, ha, it's working! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...
• Mrs. Puff: What's all this laughing about? (is wearing a bra and underwear!!!) Well, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "Boating safety is the responsibility of every boater in the ocean because -- (his broken lens lens start to function weird. Billy's underwear now has a scary face on it.)
• Scary Face: Well, don't just stand there! Get on with it!
• SpongeBob: Aahh! (the other underwear have scary faces on them) They're all staring! (throws the hat on the floor and runs out the door)
• Patrick: Hey, where are you going? You forgot your goggles! SpongeBob, wait! (SpongeBob drives a boat) SpongeBob!
• Mrs. Puff: You can't take my boat! SpongeBob!
• Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob!
• Mrs. Puff: Get back here with my boat!
• Police Officer: I don't know, slow day at the office, huh?
• Police Officer #2: You said it, partner! My baton's itching for the noggin of a lawbreaker.
• SpongeBob: Aaahhh! (he runs a stop sign.)
• Police Officer: Ok, forget what I just said. (Police Officer #1 and #2 chase after him.)
• Police Officer: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: I don't know how!
• Patrick: SpongeBob!
• (SpongeBob breaks through 3 houses and smashes into the next one and goes flying and lands on his head)
• Police Officer: All right, kid, what was that all about?
• Police Officer #2: Don't you know anything about boating safety?
• SpongeBob: (he looks surprised) Boating safety? Well, yes, Officer. I do. (he gets back on his feet) Boating safety is the responsibility of every boater in the whole ocean. Each boater must follow the rules and regulations stipulated in the boater safety handbook. When the meaning of all important signs... ...pay attention to all surroundings... ...when wet means no parking... ...it already figures... ...always blah blah blah... ...with all shades of curve... ...remember... ...a motor vehicle is 20,000 pounds of blah blah--