This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Opposite Day" from season 1, which aired on September 11, 1999.
- [Squidward is sleeping and hears noise . He awakens revealing SpongeBob and Patrick under his blanket with a sign that reads "happy birthday"]
- SpongeBob & Patrick: Surprise! Happy birthday, Squidward! [all 3 standing in front of a cake] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday cake! [standing in front of a picture of a seahorse and Squidward has the tail] Happy happy birthday! Pin the tail on the seahorse! [surrounded by presents] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday Squidward! [SpongeBob & Patrick run out of Squidward's house]
- SpongeBob: So long Squidward, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Patrick: Another year older. [laughs]
- Squidward: It's not my birthday! [shuts door and takes off party hat] That's it! I'm moving out of this neighborhood!
- Realtor Lady: [looking at a picture of Squidward's house] Absolutely, Mr. Tentacles! [showing the Realtor lady as Patty Rechid from Bikini Realty on phone] I can sell your home in a heartbeat.
- Squidward: Oh that's great news, because I want to move as soon as possible.
- Patty: No problem! As long as it's not infested with nematodes, or surrounded by troublesome neighbors or something like that.
- Squidward: Oh sure, there's none of that... Did you say "neighbors"?
- Patty: Of course! I can't tell you how many times I've seen a sale fall through because of bad neighbors.
- Squidward: Neighbors. Uhh...
- Patty: Anyway, I'll be by tomorrow to check out the house. See you then! [both hang up]
- Squidward: SpongeBob! No one will ever buy my house with him living next door! Whatever a good neighbor would do, he does the opposite! Opposite...opposite... [Later, SpongeBob is sleeping but is awaken from Squidward's instrument playing outside]
- SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward, why are you playing that drum? [Squidward stops playing]
- Squidward: Drum? What drum? [puts the drum on the ground and punches a hole in it] This is just my wig case! See? [puts on the wig, kicks the drum out of the way and frolics around] Come on SpongeBob, tackle me!
- SpongeBob: Squidward! You need bed rest! [pushes Squidward to his house as Squidward is blowing bubbles] I'll keep you safe until you're well again.
- Squidward: Oh, I get it. You don't know what day it is, do you?
- SpongeBob: Uhh, Wednesday?
- Squidward: Why, it's Opposite Day! [SpongeBob is confused] You mean you've never heard of it? Boy, have you been missing out! Opposite Day is the one day of the year when you get to act different! Normally I'm stuffy, boring, but today I'm silly and spontaneous!
- SpongeBob: Does everybody know about Opposite Day?
- Squidward: Oh sure! It's a game! Get it?
- SpongeBob: Oh, a game.
- Squidward: Yeah! Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today?
- SpongeBob: Quiet and out of the way! Yay!
- Squidward: Yeah! Why don't you get a jump on it.
- SpongeBob: I love...I mean, I hate Opposite Day. [giggles as he runs back into his pineapple] I'm not ready!
- Squidward: So long, chum. [takes off wig] And goodbye, Bikini Bottom.
- SpongeBob: [running to Gary] Gary! It's Opposite Day and I... [stops running] ...walk, don't run. And I'm gonna...opposite...opposite...I'm just gonna crawl into bed and do nothing all day. [crawls into bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh Gary?
- Gary: Meow!
- SpongeBob: Gary, wheres your holiday spirit?
- Gary: WOOF!
- SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Company! I hate company. Who's there?
- Patrick: It's Patrick!
- SpongeBob: Patrick...go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles but Patrick cries]
- Patrick: SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
- SpongeBob: [opens door] That's right! You're my worst enemy! [Patrick cries more] Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
- Patrick: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
- SpongeBob: You have?
- Patrick: No, what is it?!
- SpongeBob: Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
- Patrick: Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [Patrick holds his breath and turns purple]
- SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, breathe! [He does so] Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way! [SpongeBob & Patrick dance across the screen as SpongeBob is pink and Patrick is yellow. Gary eats properly from a table. SpongeBob eats from Gary's bowl] Meow.
- Patrick: [sitting on newspapers] Meow. [SpongeBob & Patrick blows a bubble but they blow themselves into bubbles, instead]
- SpongeBob: [backwards] Kcirtap yeh. [fowards] Hey Patrick.
- Patrick: [backwards] Pu Evig I. [fowards] I give up.
- SpongeBob: [ backwards] Edis etisoppo eht ot teg ot. [forwards] To get to the opposite side. [Both Laugh. Cut back to house] Say, want to help me do some work around the house, worst enemy?
- Patrick: Nope. [He smiles, both laugh]
- Squidward: Nearly noon and not a peep from SpongeBob! [packing his belongings into boxes] I'm almost sorry I'm leaving! [laughs] Opposite Day. [hears noises from outside] SpongeBob, what are you... [screams as he sees SpongeBob & Patrick destroying his pineapple] Ahh!
- SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward! I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aww, isn't Opposite Day.... [giggles] ...terrible?! [laughs]
- Squidward: I'll tell you what's terrible! Living next to you! You are the worst neighbor in history!
- SpongeBob: Wow! That's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me! [Squid smacks his forehead]
- Squidward: [panicked] If the real estate agent sees that mess, I'll never sell this house! [Pat and Sponge marvel at their mess]
- Patrick: Isn't it beautiful?
- SpongeBob: On Opposite Day it is. [Squidward drives up with a bulldozer]
- Squidward: Out of the way, SpongeBob! [Squidward begins to rebuild the pineapple]
- SpongeBob: I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, [Sponge wraps his arms around himself repeatedly] but that really means he's messing it up. [Patrick is drooling] But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, [Gary meows] Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward which means he's SpongeBob! [SpongeBob wrapped his arms around himself] A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob! By being... [stretches his nose out and puts his belt around the middle of his head. Talks like Squidward] Squidward!
- Patrick: Hey! I wanna be opposite too! [SpongeBob thinks then snaps his fingers. He takes a piece of coral and puts it below Patrick's eyes where his nose would be] Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! [dances] I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
- SpongeBob: Wait! It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite... [talking like Squidward] ...you have to act like him, too. Boy, oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [normal voice again] Now you try.
- Patrick: OK. [takes a deep breath and continues dancing] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward. [SpongeBob dances along with Patrick]
- SpongeBob & Patrick: Im Squidward. Im Squidward. Im Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
- SpongeBob: [opens door for Patrick] After you, Mr. Squidward.
- Patrick: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. [walks in]
- SpongeBob: You're quite welcome, Mr. Squidward. [walks in and shuts door]
- Squidward: [still rebuilding SpongeBobs pineapple] Oh, Opposite Day. Next time it's going to be "Go Jump Off A Cliff Day!" [as he is building, Patty Rechid drives up]
- Opposite Day#Patty Rechid: Patty
- SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Yes, please come in.
- Patty: It's funny, I pictured you being much taller.
- SpongeBob: Yeah, everyone says that.
- Patty: Now if you want the sale to go through, you've got to tell me all the positive things about your house.
- SpongeBob: [normal voice] Positive things! Opposite Day... [talking like Squidward] I'd love to. The floor creaks, the roof leaks, there's a terrible draft.
- Patty: Uhh...well, you didn't mention that on the phone.
- SpongeBob: Please, let me finish. The winters are harsh, the summers are brutal. There's a wild man eating clam in the backyard! Now, would you care to see the rest of my home?
- Patty: Well, umm, I'm not sure if I'm interested...
- SpongeBob: Nonsense! I won't take no for an answer. [laughs then stops] Please follow me. [both walk into Squidwards art room] And here's the worst room in the house. My gallery.
- Patty: Oh my, this painting is very nice. [Patrick bursts through the painting]
- Patrick: Thank you! [Patty, scared out of her wits, screams and jumps up to the ceiling hanging onto a beam]
- Patty: Who's that?!
- SpongeBob: I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Squidward.
- Patty: You're BOTH Squidward?!
- SpongeBob: I'm Squidward, he's Squidward.
- SpongeBob & Patrick: We're both Squidward.
- Squidward: Well, that's done. At least SpongeBob has been quiet. [sees Pattys boat and screams] AHH, NO! [SpongeBob is playing clarinet for Patty]
- Patty: OK, I really don't want to hear another one.
- SpongeBob: OK. [plays more]
- Patty: I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
- SpongeBob: I hear you loud and clear. [plays more]
- Squidward: [opens door] STOP! Get away from her! Oh oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am, I hope these two barnacle heads! haven't harmed you in any way.
- Patty: Who are you?
- Squidward: Why, I'm Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick pop up in the background. Pattys face slowly turns angry]
- Patty: [stands up from chair] WHAT KIND OF FOOL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! HE'S SQUIDWARD, HE'S SQUIDWARD, YOU'RE SQUIDWARD?! I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?
- Gary: [with a pickle on his face] Meow.
- Patty: I'm outta here! [she walks away]
- Squidward: Ma'am, please! What about my house?!
- Patty: I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on earth! [walks off]
- Squidward: Wait!
- SpongeBob: Don't...
- Patrick: ...Go!
- Squidward: Aaaah! [holding her feet as she is leaving] No, no, no, no, no!
- Patty: Stop! Stop!
- Squidward: Please, sell my house.
- Patty: Never! [releases her foot, gets in boat and drives off]
- Squidward: Don't leave me here! [cries as SpongeBob & Patrick walk up]
- SpongeBob & Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
- Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I...hate you! [Squidward drives up with a bulldozer chasing SpongeBob & Patrick become scared out of their wits, scream and run away]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever feel Squidward likes us too much?
- Squidward: [ANGRY, ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THEM] Happy Opposite Day! [chases them down the street and laughs angrily]