Squidward: What a sun-tastic day! [slips on Gary's snail trail] Snail trail. [Gary looks through a window as Squidward mops up the trail] That SpongeBob needs to keep his pet out of my yard. I am sick of cleaning up after him.
Gary: Meow. [Squidward discovers Gary leaving trail all over his pet rock collection]
Squidward: Not my pet rock collection. [growls, and starts jumping up and down] That's it! This isn't the first time you've soiled my yard with your revolting excretions. But mark this down in your little notebook: it will be the last time! [Later, Squidward puts up a force field of wood all around his house] This cheap, splintering wood will keep even Gary out. Now, I feel safe. [Gary's trail drops all over him] SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.
Squidward:[calmly] Hey, SpongeBob... [screaming] Keep your shell vermin off of my property! The next time, my annoyingly yellow neighbor, your wet pet oozes on my lawn, you leave me no choice but to call Snail Control. That little monster... [Gary bites Squidward's wrist. stutters] He bit me!
SpongeBob:[pulling Gary away] Gary! No, dirty boy. This isn't like you.
Squidward: Oh, but it's just like you, SpongeBob, to raise such a misbehaved mutt.
SpongeBob: Gary's not misbehaved!
SpongeBob: But there does appear to be something wrong with him.
Squidward: I'll say. I hope he had his shots.
SpongeBob: Oh, of course.
Squidward: All of his shots?
Squidward: For rabies?
Squidward: Snail pox and soft shell dance?
Squidward: Bronchitis, lumpy-bump trump, teen angst?
SpongeBob: Yup, yup, yup.
Patrick:[suddenly appearing] Well, let's not forget the worst of them all: Mad Snail Disease.
Patrick: You mean your pet hasn't been vaccinated for mad snail disease? [to Squidward] Looks like the rash has already started.
Patrick: Tell me, do you have any soreness of throat?
Squidward:[gulps] Well, now that you mention it, my throat is a little dry.
Patrick: This disease will ravage your body with bloodshot eyes, loss of balance, messy pants, ticklish rib cage, severely untrimmed toenails, and finally, the bite from that infected snail will turn you into...a zombie.
Squidward:[runs off screaming]
Patrick:[To SpongeBob] You need to get that snail of yours to a doctor before he bites someone important. [both gasp once they see that Gary is missing] There's a mad snail on the loose! [runs off screaming]
SpongeBob: Gary? Gary? Gary? Gary?!
Patrick:[runs up to a couple] That mad snail is coming! If he bites you, you'll turn into a zombie.
Fish: Jeepers, what's with all the lunatics? [Gary crawls up]
Fish's Wife: Oh look, honey, isn't he the cutest? [Gary is panting]
Fish: Come here, little buddy. [pet's Gary] He's just adorable. [Gary bites him] Mad snail disease is real! I'm a zombie. I've been bitten by a mad snail. I've got mad snail disease!
Fish #2: Then I've got it! A snail just bit me, too! [all screaming]
Frank:[screams; all look at their hands and scream]
Johnny: We interrupt this program to bring you a news blast. Terror in a shell. This just in...fear and disease is spreading like wildfire as a killer snail has been biting the citizens of Bikini Bottom infecting them with...mad snail disease. (two scream sound effects are played at once. One of them is from the Hooky episode, the other one is one audible from the show Rocko's Modern Life.) Ask any old fish on the street and they'll tell you that germs enter through the bite radius, traveling upstream until the entire host body is full of...mad snail disease. (the same sound effect from above can be heard) We now take you to Action News Reporter Perch Perkins live on the scene.
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here with the first victim of this epidemic. Tell me Mr Tentacles, when did you first begin to suspect that you were a zombie?
Squidward: Well, after I was bitten by a mad snail, I began to get a rash; followed by loss of balance, ticklish rib cage, and a few other symptoms.
Frank:[wearing red shirt] Hey, I was bitten by a snail. I kinda feel off balance. [falls over] Whoa.
Perch Perkins: Hey, I have a ticklish rib cage, too. And I haven't even been bitten.
Frank:[wearing red shirt] Oh no, it's spreading through the air! [all scream]
Perch Perkins: Well, you heard it here first. We're all doomed to a horrible demise. Thanks to a diseased snail. [screams]
SpongeBob: Gary? [horn honking] I can't believe that sweet and slimy snail would cause all this destruction.
Squidward:[moaning] I'm a zombie, here to dine on your squishy yellow flesh. [moaning like a zombie. all moaning. SpongeBob screaming and running to the Krusty Krab] It's locked! [all moaning] Somebody let me in.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, come in, boy. And bring your friends in, too. They look hungry.
Frank: Stop! You can't let anyone in!
Mr. Krabs: But they just want to dine on some krabby patties.
Frank: They're zombies. They only want to dine on our flesh.
Mr. Krabs: Arrgh, alright, but it's coming out of your paycheck.
Frank: I don't work here.
SpongeBob: But Mr Krabs, it's me, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: But how do we know you haven't become one of those voracious flesh-eaters?
SpongeBob: Could a voracious flesh-eater do this?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, it's you.
SpongeBob: That's right. So let me in before I'm eaten.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, that's SpongeBob all right.
Patrick: Or is it?
Patrick: I don't believe that's the real SpongeBob. He looks pretty zombie-fied. Just look at how yellow he is.
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, would a zombie have a picture of his best buddy in his wallet? [shows picture]
Patrick: Perhaps not but I have my eye on you.
Old Man Jenkins: If you could pull out your eye and put it on him, wouldn't that make you a zombie, too?
Patrick: You're right. [alarmed] I'm a zombie!
Old Man Jenkins: Who's to say we're not all zombies? [all scream]
Gary: Meow. [slithers out of the kitchen]
All: The snail!
SpongeBob: Gary! Are you ok, buddy? Come here, boy.
Harold: No, don't get near it. Oh, the pity of it all.
Evelyn:[to Harold] I can't watch. [faints into Harold's arms]
SpongeBob: All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail. [screaming after gray bites him] Gary... [sniffling] how could you?
Harold: SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
SpongeBob: No, don't hurt him.
Harold: Hand over the snail.
Mr. Krabs: It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No, I won't let you touch Gary.
Harold: Stop the madness, man. The Mad Snail Disease ends now. Seize the snail!
Doctor Gill Gilliam: HALT! Did someone say 'Mad Snail Disease'? Is that what all this is about?
Patrick: Yeah. What do you know about it?
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Funny you should ask. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Doctor Gill Gilliam. S.D.E. and S.E.
SpongeBob: S.D.E. and S.E.?
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Snail disease expert and snail expert. I'm sorry to break this to you all, but that 'mad snail disease' you're talking about doesn't exist.
Doctor Gill Gilliam: That's right. No such thing. It's an old urban legend. A myth.
Patrick: Well, does that mean we're not zombies?
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Of course not. No one is. It's just mass hysteria.
Nathiel: But what about my severely untrimmed...
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Those are only moderately untrimmed. All the supposed symptoms are just common ailments.
SpongeBob:[holding Gary back] Easy boy. But what about Gary then? If he doesn't have a disease, why'd he bite all those people, including me?
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Hmmm...mm-hmm. Ahh! The problem's right here. He's got a little splinter in his foot. [The doctor pulls out the splinter and Gary is now healed, a zoom out shows that the splinter was one of Squidward's logs] I'm sure this was the cause of his distemper making for serious grouchy snailitis.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I knew you weren't disease-ridden. You still love me?
SpongeBob: Good ol' Gary's back. [Sandals, Bill, Nathaniel, Charlie and VB get mad] Hey, Squidward? You're not a zombie, remember?
Squidward: Oh, yes I am. [Nathaniel walks up to order] Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?