This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "No Pictures Please" from season 11, which aired on November 6, 2017.
- [The episode begins on a beautiful day at Bikini Bottom.]
- French Narrator: Submitted for your approval: Bikini Bottom, teeming with life and many strange tales. The story you're about to see happened [a realistic tidal wave blackens the screen] on one weird and unusual day, when the town crossed over into... [the words "The Tidal Zone" appears on screen] "The Tidal Zone."
- [Eerie images of SpongeBob and Squidward are shown floating in "The Tidal Zone." An alarm clock and Patrick are shown to float in "The Tidal Zone." Patrick swallows the alarm clock whole and "The Tidal Zone" fades back to reality where Patrick is at the bus deport.]
- Patrick: This, sir, is penosterous! I demand restitution! [as he pounds on the counter, puts on gloves, removes one, and smacks the clerk with it.]
- Clerk: Sir, I've told you we don't sell balloons!
- Patrick: I want to speak to the manager. I bet he knows where the balloons are.
- [The annoyed clerk slams the window on Patrick's face for his stupidity. A bus pulls over and opens its door. Patrick pulls himself out with the window still stuck to his face.]
- Patrick: Balloons? Aw, it's just a stupid old bus.
- Clerk: Give me that! [pulls the window off of Patrick's face]
- Tram's Travels Tour Guide: On behalf of Tram's Travels, I'd like to welcome you to Bikini Bottom. I'd also like to take a moment to familiarize you with the area. The restrooms are to the left. [the tourists run over to the restrooms, running over their tour guide in the process] Hey, I have to go too! [runs over to the restrooms]
- Patrick: [walks over and sees the tour guide's hat on the ground] Hey, mister? You dropped your hat.
- Tram's Travels Tour Guide: [wailing while waiting outside of the restrooms] Oh, come on!
- Patrick: Okay, I'll...[puts on the tour guide's hat] keep it warm for you. [looks at his reflection in the window]
- Patrick's Reflection: I could be a tour guide!
- Patrick: Ooh, I could be a tour guide?
- Patrick's Reflection: That's what I said!
- [The door opens and a purple fish who has a dark purple dorsal fin and wears a brown hat, a yellow shirt, brown trousers, and white socks with blue sandals, walks out, taking pictures with his camera.]
- Rube Goldfish: [chuckling] Wow! Everything is so amazing! Hello, are you the tour guide?
- Patrick: [looks at the hat and gets an idea] Uh...uh! Yes, I am. [Rube takes pictures while Patrick is talking] All right, everyone, settle down. My name is Patrick and I'll be your tour guide to the wonderful world of Bikini Bottom. Please take small children firmly by the hand. And we're walking, we're walking...
- [Patrick begins his "tour" and begins walking as Rube follows him. The real tour guide is seen knocking on the restroom door.]
- Tram's Travels Tour Guide: I feel like I'm gonna burst! [puffs up like a balloon and explodes into pieces. Rube takes a picture of the blown-up tour guide. The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube a large stone.]
- Patrick: Our first landmark is the kissing stone of the ancients. It is said to bring good luck to all who smooch it. [kisses the stone]
- [The stone comes to life.]
- Stone: [gasps angrily] Brash! [punches Patrick furiously in the face which literally lands on a nearby trashcan and storms off as Rube takes pictures]
- Rube: Amazing!
- [The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube a dug-up hole in the sand.]
- Patrick: Another ancient and mysterious landmark is the hole that I dug yesterday.
- [Rube takes a picture as Patrick flips himself into the hole.]
- Patrick: It fits my butt! [laughs as Rube takes pictures; he pulls himself out of the hole] Now you try it.
- Rube: [flips himself into the hole] Whoa! [echoing] Golly. Mine too. [takes pictures of Patrick's butt]
- [The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube a kid eating an ice cream cone.]
- Patrick: On your left is a kid who, legend has it, used to have an ice cream cone.
- [Rube takes pictures as Patrick's bellybutton eats the kid's ice cream cone.]
- Ryan: Hey!
- Rube: Amazing!
- [The kid kicks Patrick in the stomach, which makes him cough up the ice cream cone and resumes eating it while Rube continues to take pictures. The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube an overweight man watching television with his twin daughters.]
- Patrick: This guy called me a bad word once.
- Dad: [Shocked to see Patrick] Huh? You were trying to eat my mailbox!
- Patrick: I thought it was meatloaf!
- Dad: Kids, escort these "gentlemen" to the door.
- Kids: With pleasure!
- [The man cackles on the TV as his kids pick up Patrick and Rube.]
- Rube: Amazing!
- [Rube takes pictures as the kids kick him and Patrick out of their house.]
- Kids: [shouts victoriously] Boo-yah!
- [Patrick and Rube fly through the air.]
- Patrick: Coming up ahead is the home of SpongeBob SquarePants, the fry cook.
- Rube: Oh, my gosh. That sounds excitin'! [takes pictures]
- [Patrick and Rube begin to descend downward.]
- Patrick: We have begun our descent.
- [Patrick and Rube crash to the ground.]
- Patrick: [dizzily] Everyone please gather all your belongings and follow me single file.
- Rube: [takes more pictures] Amazing!
- [The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube SpongeBob, who is sleeping in his bed.]
- Patrick: This is my best friend SpongeBob. As you can see, he sucks his thumb when he sleeps. [sucks SpongeBob's thumb] Oh—wait, that's me. [sucks SpongeBob's thumb as the alarm clock in his stomach rings; he punches his stomach to stop the ringing]
- SpongeBob: [sleepily] Yes, I like sweet potatoes, thank you.
- Patrick: My internal alarm clock says it's time for morning lunch. Everyone, follow me. And we're tiptoeing... tiptoeing...
- [Patrick heads out of SpongeBob's room as Rube takes pictures.]
- Rube: Amazing.
- [Patrick and Rube eat food in SpongeBob's kitchen with Gary.]
- Patrick: The tour will resume shortly, everyone. And also, uh, I think the mayo is spoiled.
- [Rube and Gary spit mayonnaise in Patrick's face. Patrick wipes some of the mayonnaise off his face with his sandwich and resumes eating. The scene changes to Squidward taking a shower in his bathroom. Just as Squidward begins to walk out, Patrick and Rube stand in front of him.]
- Patrick: This is Squidward the cashier.
- [Squidward screams and falls over into his bathtub while Rube takes pictures.]
- Patrick: And yes, those moles are huge.
- [Squidward is so angry his skin completely turns red. Rube's camera lens shrink down as Squidward looks closer at them.]
- Rube: Amazing?
- [Squidward tosses both Patrick and Rube out through the eye windows.]
- Squidward: And stay out! [shuts his windows, his front door, the front of his entire house, and one of the flower clouds in the sky in blistering fury]
- SpongeBob: [shouts] Late for work, late for work. Late for work. [runs over two mountains that are shaped like Patrick and Rube] Late for work, late for work!
- [The alarm clock rings in Patrick's stomach again.]
- Patrick: Ooh, time for second lunch! [hops on top of Rube] Everyone, follow that Bob! [whacks Rube in the buttocks] Yah! [gets carried by Rube] And we're running. We're running...
- [The scene changes to the Krusty Krab.]
- Patrick: This is the world-famous Krusty Krab! [unhooks the ribbon to allow Rube to enter the restaurant]
- [Patrick hooks the ribbon back on and enters the restaurant. Two girls walk up to the doors and trip over the ribbon as Rube takes pictures. Patrick catches Plankton who is attempting to steal a Krabby Patty again.]
- Plankton: Hey!
- Patrick: Now, this is Plankton, who's always trying to steal the Krabby Patty. So, we step on him! [he flicks Plankton off the patty and stomps on him.]
- Plankton: [shrieking] Ouch!
- Patrick: Try it, everyone. It's fun.
- Rube: Oh, my goodness. Can I?! [he steps on and smears Plankton left to right, and Plankton screams in pain.] That is fun!
- Patrick: Next stop is the Krusty kitchen.
- [Patrick walks to the kitchen while Rube follows him and continues taking pictures of smashed Plankton. He steps on Plankton once more, and Plankton moans. An old woman walks by and squishes him again with her heels, a tough-looking fish crushes him with spiked boots (and he temporarily sticks), and an old fish in a wheel chair squashes him for a sixth time, smearing him even more with his chair. Plankton continues to shriek in agony. Then the scene cuts to SpongeBob preparing Krabby Patties in the kitchen.]
- Patrick: If you look to your left, you'll see SpongeBob preparing his fresh and delicious ingredients to be cooked alive.
- SpongeBob: Oh, just doing my thing. [giggles]
- Rube: That's amazing! [takes pictures]
- SpongeBob: Oh, shucks, I'm just getting warmed up. [creates various things with the patties while Rube takes pictures] Uh-huh! Yeah! Eh, eh? [forms a camera with the patties] Ooh! [takes a picture of Rube]
- [The scene changes to Patrick showing Rube the toilets in the restroom.]
- Patrick: And this magical place is where all the food ends up. [grabs some toilet paper as Rube takes pictures] And if you do this... [stuffs toilet paper in the toilet, flushes it and the toilet start overflowing] This happens!
- [The water spats out of the restaurant's chimney as Mr. Krabs kicks Patrick and Rube out.]
- Mr. Krabs: And stay away from me toilets!
- Rube: Gol, this is the best tour I've ever taken!
- Patrick: And the best is yet to come!
- Rube: Oh!
- Patrick: [hops on Rube's back] If you look to your left...
- Rube: [carries Patrick] Hup, hup, hup, hup...
- Patrick: You'll miss everything on your right.
- [The scene changes to Sandy planting vegetables in her treedome.]
- Sandy: [humming] Oops, almost forgot my plant food. [runs in her tree]
- [Patrick and Rube are seen on top of her treedome.]
- Patrick: Under your belly is the outside of Sandy's treedome.
- Rube: It's so beautiful. I wish we could see the inside.
- Patrick: [chuckles] Don't worry. I have a key. [takes out a key and creates a hole underneath them] Everyone, watch your step. [stomps on the glass and they fall inside the treedome without their water helmets] Sandy Cheeks and her tree both have roots in Texas. The dome overhead was designed to keep out the water. [he and Rube walk as Rube takes pictures] This makes the air too dry to survive in... [begins wheezing as he and Rube start drying up] For water-breathers like us. Luckily, we all have on our water helmets, or else we'd be in big trouble right about now. [he and Rube laugh as they're both completely dried up] Uh-oh! [they run up to the top of the treedome] And we're running, we're running! 'Cause we're expiring, expiring! [he stomps on the glass and they flip themselves back outside in the water, where they can breath again; the alarm clock in his stomach rings again]
- Rube: Ooh, it's time for third lunch.
- Patrick: Everyone, follow my belly.
- [Patrick and Rube slide downward on the treedome. The glass begins to break open.]
- Sandy: Aw, looks like you plant critters could use a little water. [water pours down from the hole above Sandy] Whoa! [swims up and sees Patrick and Rube walks off; gargling] Patrick!
- [The scene changes to Floater's Cemetery.]
- Patrick: This will probably be the last stop on our tour. [Rube takes pictures of the tombstones] Each one of these gravestones has an amazing secret underneath. [spookily] There's people living down there! [pushes a doorbell-like button on a tombstone that reads "R.I.P. Here lies Ol' Ribeye." A skeleton crawls out of the ground and roars.]
- Ol' Ribeye: [pleasantly] Hello.
- Patrick: This is my old pal Ribeye, everyone. Ribeye, this is everyone!
- Rube: Wow, you're a dead guy. I love it! [shakes Ol' Ribeye's skeleton arm]
- Ol' Ribeye: Well, any friend of Patrick's is a friend of...[Rube breaks off Ol' Ribeye's arm; Ol' Ribeye growls angrily]
- Rube: Oh, my goodness. [gulps] Let me try to... arm connected to the bone...[slurps on the skeleton arm and attempts to push it back on Ol' Ribeye; the skeleton arm breaks and Ol' Ribeye becomes angrier]
- Patrick: The management strongly advises that you... run away!
- [Patrick grabs Rube, and Ol' Ribeye begins chasing them around the cemetery, waking up a nearby skeleton in the process.]
- Skeleton Woman: [picks up the phone] Hello, police? There's a disturbance at the cemetery and some of us are trying to sleep!
- Patrick: [runs out of the cemetery with Rube] I'm sorry, Ribeye!
- Tram's Travels Tour Guide: [on a real tour with the tourists in his bus] And on your left, the Bikini Bottom post office. On your right is a zombie chasing the guys who stole my hat!
- [The tour guide activates the accelerator in his bus and chases after Ol' Ribeye, Patrick, and Rube. Patrick and Rube continue to run away from Ol' Ribeye and they climb up on top of Patrick's rock. Ol' Ribeye crashes into Patrick's rock, breaking into pieces.]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, you gotta hide! There's an angry mob... [sees an angry mob with police cars around Patrick's rock; deflatedly] Coming for you. They're here.
- Sandy: They done busted my dome!
- Ol' Ribeye: They wreck me up!
- Squidward: They got pictures of me naked!
- Mr. Krabs: No one wants to see your moles.
- Crowd: Ew!
- Mr. Krabs: Officer! [grabs Officer John and pushes him to Rube] That guy's camera took pictures of me Krabby Patty ingredients. And I want that film, before Plankton gets it!
- [Officer John pushes Mr. Krabs aside and grabs Rube's camera. He opens it and sees Plankton already inside of it, but the camera itself appears to not have any film in it.]
- Plankton: Way ahead of you, Krabs. But there's no film in this camera at all.
- Everyone: Huh?
- Officer John: That's strange.
- [Everyone looks at Rube in confusion.]
- Rube: Sorry for the misunderstandin', everybody, but I didn't take any pictures today. I don't even have a camera.
- [The camera disappears, with Plankton falling to the ground which surprises everyone.]
- Everyone: [Shocked] Huh?!
- Rube: In fact... [waves his arms as his voice fades] I'm not even here.
- [Rube disappears completely and everyone gasps in a shocking surprise.]
- Patrick: [Nervously] Um...uh... [waves his hands in the air; it turns out that Rube was nothing more than an illusion] And we're backing away, and backing away, and backing away!
- [Everyone backs away in fear and runs off. The screen fades back into "The Tidal Zone."]
- French Narrator: You see? I told you. Things always get weird in "The Tidal Zone." [cackling wickedly]
- Rube: [appears in "The Tidal Zone" and takes pictures] Amazing! [floats away as the episode comes to an end]