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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "No Nose Knows" from season six, which aired on August 4, 2008.

  • [episode starts with Squidward walking home. He places his keys on the table, and puts down a bag that says "Nautical Mart" on it. He then takes some stuff out]
  • Squidward: I thought I told that kid not to put the organic sea cucumber on top of the free range anemones! Well at least my flowers survived the trip. [Squidward sniffs it, then SpongeBob's nose is in his nostril. Squidward screams, then sneezes him out] SpongeBob, would you please find your own flowers to sniff!
  • SpongeBob: What about Patrick, does he have to find his own flowers too? [Patrick pops up from the flowers, and they die]
  • Squidward: What are you taking about, nitwit? He doesn't even have a nose!
  • Patrick: Of course I have a nose, Squidward. Why, it's as plain as the nose on my... [human hands touch his face, then he talks sadly] ...face? [Patrick touches Squidward's nose, then his face, then SpongeBob's nose] You're right, Squidward! [cries]
  • Squidward: My floors! Think fast, squiddy. I've got your nose.
  • Patrick: You do?
  • Squidward: Yeah I've got it... [Squidward touches Patrick's face, and holds his thumb, looking like a nose] ...right here.
  • Patrick: Give me! Give it here!
  • Squidward: If you want it, you gotta go get it. [pretends to throw it, then they run outside, and Squidward shuts the door. They then look around]
  • Patrick: There! [Patrick picks up a shell] Well SpongeBob, what do you think of my new nose?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a nose that's a... [a hermit crab bites him and Patrick yelps] ...hermit crab.
  • Patrick: I guess I'll always be a noseless freak. [cuts to them walking down the street]
  • SpongeBob: It's not so ab-normal to be noseless. Just look around. Lots of fish don't have noses.
  • Patrick: Yeah, but all my friends have noses. You, Squidward, Sandy, even Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs walks on screen sniffing around, then sees a penny]
  • Mr. Krabs: There ya are! [picks it up and continues sniffing]
  • SpongeBob: Well Patrick, if you're so concerned about not having a nose, why don't you just get a new one stitched on to your face.
  • Patrick: I can do that? [cuts to Patrick with a false nose tied on him]
  • Surgeon: Well, what do you think?
  • Patrick: Sorry doc, but I don't really think it's me.
  • Surgeon: That's a-okay. That's cool. As the lead surgeon here, I take a hypophetical oath. Which means I will not stop, I will not rest, I will not cut a single toenail, until the customer is 100% satified! So please, browse our extensive wall of noses! And I will patiently await your final decision.
  • Patrick: Okay! Let's see. Hmm [looks around]
  • Surgeon: Excellent choice! [puts him on a medical bed. Scene cuts to him walking out of the nose store, with a nose bandaged up]
  • SpongeBob: All right Patrick, let's unveal the new shanauze! [tries to pull off the bandages, but Patrick stops him]
  • Patrick: Wait, stop, careful SpongeBob! This fragile stitching requires tender care. Allow me to carefully remove the bandages. [Patrick crushes his nose, then pulls off the bandages, then uses a cooking mixer, then a sander]
  • SpongeBob: There it is, Patrick! Your brand new sniffer! Looking good buddy! [silence for a few seconds] Well, I've gotta go to work now. Have fun with your new nose.
  • Patrick: I will! Now, how do I use this thing? [smells something] What is that smell? [walks over to a bakery] Pastries? I never knew they smelled so good! [sticks his face in and sniffs them]
  • Harold: Well, I guess I won't be eating those. [cuts to Squidward walking out of the Nautical Mart with more flowers]
  • Squidward: Let's see Patrick destroy these. [Patrick sniffs them all in his nose, then he is sitting on a lawn mower smelling the grass, then putting on deodorant, and sniffing his arm pit. He then smells some bread, and floats toward it. He then floats through a cloud of perfume a lady is putting on]
  • Patrick: All these years I knew I was missing out on something, but I never thought smelling could be this good! [Patrick smells a bad smell, then falls] What is that horrible smell? [notices something] Onion rings? [sniffs them, then screams and covers his nose] The scent! Nobody told me about bad smells! [a bad smell taps him on the shoulder] What is it now? [Patrick sniffs some trash, then runs away from the stench] I'm going to have to re-think this whole smelling thing. [runs into his rock, and the smell vanishes. Patrick sits in his chair] I made it. At least here at home, I can't be attacked by those wretched odors. [Patrick smells a bad smell again] Bad smells are all around me! [takes a look at all the trash. His eyes then water up, and he runs outside] I cannot live in these conditions! [puts a mask on his nose, then gets some cleaning spray and a brush. He then runs to his rock to clean it]
  • Narrator: 48 hours later. [Patrick's house is really clean, and he is still cleaning]
  • SpongeBob: Hiya Patrick. How... Whoa! Hey, looking good.
  • Patrick: The smells! They're everywhere! It's unbearable! [cries, then Squidward walks on screen]
  • Squidward: What's wrong with the pin head? [Patrick smells something, and screams]
  • Patrick: There's another one! No! I can't take it!
  • Squidward: Where do you think you're going?
  • Patrick: To do what should have been done long ago. [barges into Squidward's house, then smells something, and opens his fridge, revealing bad smelling cheese [Ädelost?], then screams] Sweet Neptune, imported cheese! [runs off screen, then comes back with a mask and sack] This is in-excusable! [puts it in the sack] Yuck!
  • Squidward: What are you doing with my cheese?
  • Patrick: It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better.
  • Squidward: That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!
  • Patrick: You are sick, Squidward! [Patrick smells another bad smell] There's that smell again! [Patrick looks out the window, and we see SpongeBob working out]
  • SpongeBob: 1, 2, 3, 4 [has trouble lifting the weight again] Come on SquarePants, be a man! [lifts it up]
  • Patrick: You! [SpongeBob is scared, and drops the weight on him]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, help!
  • Patrick: [throws the weight off him] Oh, I'll help you all right! Help stop you polluting are world with your sweaty holes. [plugs up SpongeBob's holes with corks] There.
  • SpongeBob: I can't work at the Krusty Krab looking like this. I'm out of uniform.
  • Patrick: Well you can't go to work smelling like that. You should be thanking me, SpongeBob. [smells another bad smell] Smell's like, something greasy! [cuts to the Krusty Krab] Nobody move! I am ridding this place of it's disgusting stench, with these scented candles! [puts a candle on a table. Harold tries to eat a Krabby Patty, but can't]
  • Harold: [coughs] My mouth can't take these conflicting flavors! [walks away, then Patrick puts scented candles on every table]
  • Patrick: This air freshener should finish the job. [sprays it, then everyone coughs. Patrick then puts a candle on the cashier boat]
  • Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles do you think you're doing?! You're chasing away all me customers! [everyone leaves]
  • Patrick: Well good! No one should have to eat in this stench! [Mr. Krabs thinks Patrick works for Plankton]
  • Mr. Krabs: What? Why, I got a good mind to...
  • Patrick: Say no more, you can thank me later. Right now, I've got plenty more stink holes to swab clean.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, that new honker of his has turned him into a complete jerk! [Patrick walks outside, and Sandy walks past him]
  • Sandy: Hiya Pat. [Patrick sprays Sandy with the air freshener. Sandy screams, then coughs]
  • Patrick: Take a bath, fleabag! [cuts to the Krusty Krab. Where Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Sandy, and SpongeBob are there]
  • Mr. Krabs: I've asked you all here, because we all face a similar problem. The problem, a sea star with a nose that's gotten way out of hand. [all except SpongeBob agree] Now what I want to know is, are we going to do something about it? [all, except SpongeBob agree again]
  • Squidward: Let's give him what for.
  • Sandy: Let's hogtie him and run him out of town on a rail. [all, except SpongeBob agree again]
  • SpongeBob: [in thought bubble] Come on SpongeBob, be a man! [talking] Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Not now boy! We're in the middle of a public lishen! That no good, nose flartin...
  • SpongeBob: It is not Patrick's fault!
  • All: Huh?
  • SpongeBob: It's the new nose that has betrayed us. My grandma SquarePants always says, punish the nose, not the man. But we're going to need something foul, something beyond foul, a stench that will blow the socks off his fungus-infested socks! [cuts to them pushing a giant stinky ball toward Patrick's house, in air suits, so they won't smell it] Okay, this should be stinky enough. I've gathered every sweaty sock, moldy pizza, and rotten piece of fruit in Bikini Bottom. [puts a nasty slimy messy pepper on the garbage ball] With a little raw sewage for good measure.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ata' boy! Now for the moment of truth!
  • SpongeBob: Yes sir! [knocks on Patrick's rock and runs away]
  • Patrick: Hello. [smells the bad smell, casing his nose to cough, then dry and shrivel out] No! [his nose than falls off, then vanishes] All I wanted was to be able to smell like the rest of you. [runs away crying, then cuts to a cemetery]
  • SpongeBob: [reading tombstone] Here lies the nose of Patrick Star. Rip. [referring to the R.I.P] Well this is terrible! All Patrick wanted was to be like the rest of us, and we punished him for it!
  • Squidward: Who cares? At least now that pink moron will leave us alone!
  • Patrick: I heard that! [moves to Patrick with giant ears]

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