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No Hat for Pat
Season №: 6
Episode №: 120a
Airdate: July 19, 2009
Previous: "Overbooked"
Next: "Toy Store of Doom"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "No Hat for Pat" from season six, which aired on July 19, 2009.

  • [SpongeBob trying to open the door, but Patrick is sleeping outside and blocking his door. SpongeBob tries to push the door, he opens the door slightly, looks at Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • [SpongeBob closes the door, Patrick's head falls down, which makes Patrick wake up]
  • SpongeBob: What are you doing out here, silly?
  • Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away. [grumbles] Oh, barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat, again! Every time you wear that stupid thing, you're, you're gone for the whole day!
  • SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work.
  • Patrick: Why don't you just take it off so you don't have to go to work today?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy.
  • Patrick: Ugh! I hate that hat! [Patrick throws SpongeBob's hat, but it flies back onto SpongeBob's head] Fine, have it your way, hat! [Squidward walks out] Hmph. Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward!
  • Squidward: What? [puts on hat]
  • Patrick: Oh no! He's got the hat, too!
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can play then.
  • Patrick: I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job and a hat!
  • [Cuts to the Krusty Krab, where a kid is adding ketchup to his fries]
  • Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, that's enough, lad. What do ya think, I'm made of ketchup? Now run along, boy. [Notices a group of tourists] That sounds like... a band of roaming tourists. [Runs out of the Krusty Krab] Wait, come back! Don't ya wanna give me your money?! They're a slippery bunch. What do I have to do to catch 'em, stand around out here all day? [Notices Patrick] What are you doing there, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Standin' around out here all day.
  • [Mr. Krabs gets an idea]
  • Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Oh boy, gimme my hat!
  • Mr. Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first you have to entice people into the restaurant by standin' right here and holdin' this sign. [Mr. Krabs hands Patrick an arrow-shaped sign saying "The Krusty Krab"] That's not too tough for ya, is it boy?
  • Patrick: Sounds complicated, but if it gets me a work hat. [Holds up the sign] How's this?
  • Mr. Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearin' that hat in no time at all. [From inside the Krusty Krab] Hee hee hee.
  • SpongeBob: What's shakin' Mr. K?
  • Mr. Krabs: You're buddy Patrick. I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, he is good.
  • Mr. Krabs: And look. He's about reel in his first customer.
  • Harold: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab please? [Patrick holds the sign so it's pointing at the Chum Bucket. Harold runs into the Chum Bucket.]
  • Mr. Krabs: What does he think he's doing?! [Multiple fish walk past Patrick] They're walkin' right past him. [Runs outside to Patrick] Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy.
  • Patrick: Okay. [Hits a fish in the head with the sign]
  • Mr. Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something. [Spins the sign, causing it to fly out of Patrick's hands. Hands the sign back to Patrick] Just keep workin' on that one, eh boy? Listen, if any tourists come by, why don't you blow them away with a little extra twirl.
  • Patrick: Any thing for my new hat.
  • [Patrick sees tourists approaching, so he spins the sign very fast. The wind is so intense that a window opens, and a tourist's camera gets blown away]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's enough Patrick!
  • [Mr. Krabs and the tourists get blown away]
  • Patrick: I did it! Did you see that Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I saw it.
  • Patrick: Do I get my hat now?
  • Mr. Krabs: Ehhh... what the heck. It pays to advertise. [Gives Patrick a Krusty Krab hat]
  • Patrick: Yeah! Wheeee! [Then Patrick falls on his face, gets back up and falls down again]
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's wrong with him?
  • SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Sometimes when I'm nervous, I forget how to stand!
  • SpongeBob: He's nervous.
  • Blue Fish: Ha ha! Look at that guy! He can't even stand on his own two feet!
  • Pink Fish: Now that's that kind of mindlessness I'd pay money to see!
  • [Mr. Krabs looks at them, then neck stretches out over to them]
  • Mr. Krabs: You mean, CASH money?!
  • Pink Fish: Well, heck, yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: Five dollars please. Alright.
  • Mr. Krabs: There's that sound again. They're loving it. Patrick, you've captured the attention of all these tourists with your ridiculous blackdoodle.
  • Patrick: I did?
  • Mr. Krabs: That's right, I think we've finally found a job for you that you're good at. Being an absolute buffoon! If it's folly you crave, it can be found exclusively at the Krusty Krab. For just five dollars a head.
  • [Bubble transition. Patrick falls and everybody is laughing and cheering]
  • Squidward: It's official. [everyone is still laughing] I hate everyone. [Patrick falls into the kitchen] You imbeciles think that's entertainment? Brace yourself for true entertainment! [plays on clarinet off-key]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick.
  • Patrick: Yeah.
  • SpongeBob: Are you okay?
  • Patrick: I'm fine.
  • Pink Fish: Oh, that horrible noise! [customers begin to leave]
  • Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?
  • Squidward: I'm entertaining those heathens.
  • Mr. Krabs: We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much! [points to Patrick, but he's not there] Hey, where'd he go?
  • SpongeBob: [guiding Patrick, who has a tissue in his nose] That's buddy. Come on.
  • Mr. Krabs: What's with him?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was going to walk him home.
  • Mr. Krabs: A bloody nose, eh? Do ya think I was born yesterday? He doesn't even have a nose. Now everybody, get back to work! I'm Not Running A Happy Factory Here [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick get back into there positions. to Patrick] keep up the good work, Patrick!
  • Patrick: You got it, Mr. K!
  • Narrator: 7 hours later.
  • [Patrick is still falling and three customers are watching as Billy passes by]
  • Billy: Hey, is that guy still flopping?
  • Customer: Yeah! Amazing isn't it?
  • Billy: Doesn't that get old?
  • Customer: He's got a point. Let's get out of here.
  • Billy: Me too, i'm out. [everyone's leaving]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey! What's going on?
  • Harold: This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement!
  • Mr. Krabs: You want excitement? Well, what if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box and he falls from it]
  • Billy: Sort of the same thing, really.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ok, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts creme pie in place]
  • Patrick: I like pie.
  • Billy: That, I'd pay to see! [crowd becomes excited]
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay boy, let 'er rip! [Patrick falls headfirst into the pie. to Squidward] I'll be in the back counting me money. If the crowd gets bored, add some more boxes!
  • Squidward: Whatever.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick... How are you feeling after your first day on the job?
  • Patrick: [appearance morbidly disheveled] I feel like a million BUCKS... [falls over]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! [Patrick mumbles incoherently] OK, that's it! No best friend of mine is going to suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr Krabs can make a quick buck. I'm going to go have a talk with him right -
  • Patrick: [Grabs SpongeBob] No! P-please, don't tell Mr. Krabs! You don't understand. For years people have been telling me, “You're no good!” Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! [He cries]
  • SpongeBob: OK, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing.
  • Patrick: What's that, pal?
  • SpongeBob: Just be careful, hm?
  • Patrick: [Hugs him] Thanks pal.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob walking to work]
  • SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. [Enters the Krusty Krabs, where Mr. Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone]
  • Sandals: This should be good.
  • SpongeBob: PATRICK!
  • Patrick: [Being hauled to top of the platform] Hi, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, you can't let him do this, he might get hurt!
  • Mr. Krabs: It's OK, boy, he signed a waiver. [Shows it to him] Is he ready, Mr Squidward?
  • Squidward: Ready!
  • Mr. Krabs: OK! Get back, boy, you wouldn’t want to stain your uniform.
  • Patrick: Hey, good idea. Hey, Squidward, could you hold me hat so it won't get hurt? [gives hat to Squidward] Thanks buddy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ready, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Ready! [Prepares to dive from the platform]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch! [Cries and blows his nose on Harold's fin]
  • Harold: Hey, ew!
  • [tries to fall several times, fails]
  • Mr. Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here!
  • Patrick: I'm trying!
  • [tries to fall several times, fails again]
  • Patrick: Argh, I think I'm stuck!
  • Mr. Krabs: Stuck? Well if that don't … [Mumbles angrily and climbs a ladder to the platform] What's the hold up, Mr. Squidward?
  • Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat.
  • Mr. Krabs: Patrick, why have you stopped falling?
  • Patrick: I dunno, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well you'd better figure it out. These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation. Now make with the cods-wallop, pal, understand?
  • Patrick: Uh huh.
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't make me come back here.
  • Patrick: Hey, Squidward, d'you think you could, uh, you know … [Mimes pushing]
  • Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. OK, I'll do it! [He charges at Patrick but misses and falls]
  • Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! Oh, my hat. Gotcha! All right, back where you beloooong, aaaah! [Grabs hat puts it on and falls].
  • Harold: Great, we get to see two for the price of one!
  • Mr. Krabs: I don't think so.
  • Harold: Fine. [Pays Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Thank you.
  • Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling!
  • Squidward: Oh, I'm so happy for you!
  • Patrick: I figured it out; it's the hat that makes me fall, it makes me top heavy!
  • [They crash into the urchin bucket]
  • SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time!
  • Nat: I paid to see two guys get maimed.
  • Harold: Yeah, I want a refund.
  • Mr. Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. [customers grumble] Hold on there, what's the big idea? [Customers tear up his clothes and money flies in the air] Grandma, help! [he is in his underwear] All right, you leave me no choice.
  • Patrick: You're giving me a raise.
  • Mr. Krabs: Not even close, you're fired. As long as I'm still standing, you will never wear this hat again!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you OK?
  • Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to being to no hat pat! [cries]
  • Narrator: Epilogue.
  • SpongeBob: [Walking home with Patrick] It's OK, Patrick, not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want.
  • Patrick: Really?
  • SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal.
  • [gives Patrick his hat]
  • Patrick: [He puts it on and falls over and falls] Thanks, SpongeBob! You're the best!
  • SpongeBob: Anytime, pal! Anytime!

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