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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "No Hat for Pat" from season 6, which aired on July 19, 2009.

  • [The episode begins with Patrick snoring and drooling at the walkway to SpongeBob's home. SpongeBob is trying to open the door, but Patrick is sleeping outside and blocking his door. SpongeBob tries to push the door, he opens the door slightly, looks at Patrick.]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • [SpongeBob closes the door, Patrick's head falls down, which makes him wake up.]
  • SpongeBob: What are you doing out here, silly?
  • Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away! [grumbles] Oh, barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat, again! Every time you wear that stupid thing, you're, you're gone for the whole day!
  • SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work.
  • Patrick: Why don't you just take it off so you don't have to go to work today?
  • SpongeBob: [chuckles] I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy.
  • Patrick: Ugh! I hate that hat! [throws SpongeBob's hat, but it flies back onto his head. SpongeBob laughs] Fine, have it your way, hat! [Squidward walks out] Hmph. Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward!
  • Squidward: What? [puts on his hat]
  • Patrick: Oh, no! He's got the hat, too!
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can play then.
  • Patrick: Well, oh, I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job and a hat!
  • [Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab, where a kid is adding ketchup to his fries.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, that's enough, lad! What do ya think, I'm made of ketchup? Now run along, boy. [notices a group of tourists taking photos] Eh? That sounds like... a band of roving tourists! [runs out of the Krusty Krab] Wait, come back! Don't ya wanna give me your money?! Oh, they're a slippery bunch. What do I gotta do to catch 'em, stand around out here all day? [notices Patrick] What are you doing there, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Standin' around out here all day.
  • [Mr. Krabs gets an idea. A lightbulb floats over his head, and his eyes resemble a dream of tourists taking photos.]
  • Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Oh boy, gimme my hat!
  • Mr. Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first, you have to entice people into the restaurant by standin'... [points at Patrick] right here and holdin' this sign. [hands Patrick an arrow-shaped sign saying "The Krusty Krab"] That's not too tough for ya, is it, boy?
  • Patrick: Sounds complicated, but if it gets me a work hat. [holds up the sign] How's this?
  • Mr. Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearing that hat in no time at all.
  • Patrick: Oh, boy!
  • [Bubble transition to inside the Krusty Krab.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hee hee hee.
  • SpongeBob: What's shakin', Mr. K?
  • Mr. Krabs: Hee hee. [taps on the glass] Your buddy, Patrick. [cut to Patrick holding the sign] I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, he is good.
  • Mr. Krabs: And look. He's about reel in his first customer. [Harold approaches Patrick]
  • Harold: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab please?
  • Patrick: Uhhh... [holds the sign so it's pointing at the Chum Bucket. Harold walks into the Chum Bucket]
  • Mr. Krabs: What does he think he's doing?! [multiple fish walk past Patrick] They're walkin' right past him! [runs outside to Patrick] Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy.
  • Patrick: Okay. [hits a fish in the head with the sign]
  • Mr. Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something? [spins the sign, causing it to fly out of Patrick's hands. Hands the sign back to Patrick] Just keep workin' on that one, eh, boy? Listen, if any tourists stroll by, why don't you just blow them away with a little extra twirl?
  • Patrick: Anything for my new hat.
  • [Bubble transition to the tourists passing by homes. Patrick sees them approaching, so he spins the sign very fast. The wind is so intense that a window opens, and a tourist's camera gets blown away.]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's enough, Patrick!
  • [Mr. Krabs and the tourists get blown away.]
  • Patrick: I did it! Did you see that, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I saw it.
  • Patrick: Do I get my hat now?
  • Mr. Krabs: What the heck. It pays to advertise. [gives Patrick a Krusty Krab hat]
  • Patrick: My hat! [falls on his face, gets back up, and falls down several times]
  • Mr. Krabs: What’s wrong with him?
  • SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
  • Patrick: I don’t know. Sometimes, when I'm nervous, I forget how to stand.
  • SpongeBob: He's nervous.
  • Blue Fish: Ha ha ha! Look at that guy! He doesn't know how stand on his own two feet!
  • Pink Fish: Ha ha! Now that's that kind of mindlessness I'd pay money to see!
  • [Mr. Krabs looks at them, then neck stretches out over to them.]
  • Mr. Krabs: You mean, cash money?
  • Pink Fish: Well, heck, yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: Five dollars please. All right!
  • [Patrick falls down on his face again.]
  • Mr. Krabs: There's that sound again! [the tourists take photos of Patrick and laugh at him] They're loving it! Patrick, you've captured the attention of all these tourists with your ridiculous flapdoodle!
  • Patrick: I did?
  • Mr. Krabs: That's right, I think we've finally found a job you're good at. Being an absolute buffoon! [to the tourists] If it's folly you crave, it can be found exclusively at the Krusty Krab! For just five dollars a head.
  • [Bubble transition back to the Krusty Krab. Patrick falls and everybody is laughing and cheering.]
  • Squidward: It's official. [everyone is still laughing] I hate everyone. [Patrick falls into the kitchen] You imbeciles think that's entertainment? Well, brace yourselves... [holds his clarinet] for some true entertainment! [plays his clarinet off-key]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick.
  • Patrick: Yeah?
  • SpongeBob: Are you okay?
  • Patrick: [drooling] I'm fine.
  • [Meanwhile, Squidward continues to play horrible notes, angering the customers.]
  • Pink fish: Uh, oh that horrible noise! Let's get out of here! [customers begin to leave]
  • [Squidward continues to play the clarinet off-key until bumping into Mr. Krabs.]
  • Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?!
  • Squidward: I'm entertaining these heathens.
  • Mr. Krabs: We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much! [points to Patrick, but he's not there] Where'd he go?
  • SpongeBob: [guiding Patrick, who has a tissue in his nose] Come on, Patrick. Easy now. Right this way.
  • Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Neptune is going on here?!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was going to walk him home.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, a bloody nose, eh? You think I was born yesterday? He doesn't even have a nose. Now get back to work, the all of ya's! I'm not running a happy factory here! [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick get back into their positions. To Patrick] Keep up the good work, Patrick!
  • Patrick: You got it, Mr. K! [cut to a time card]
  • French Narrator: 7 hours later...
  • [Patrick is still falling and three customers are watching as Billy passes by.]
  • Billy: That guy still flopping?
  • Customer: Yeah! Amazing, isn't it?
  • Billy: Doesn't that get old?
  • Customer: Ah.
  • Harold: He's got a point.
  • Customer: Yeah, you've seen enough?
  • Harold: Well, let's get out of here. [both customers and Harold drop their drinks and Krabby Patty and walk away]
  • Billy: Me, too. I'm out. [drops his tray containing a drink and Krabby Patty. Everyone's leaving]
  • Mr. Krabs: What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving?
  • Harold: This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement!
  • Customer: [among the chattering] Yeah, we crave excitement.
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay, okay! You want excitement? Well, what if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box and he falls from it] Huh, huh?
  • Billy: Sort of the same, really.
  • Customer: Yeah.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, okay, uhhh, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] Ehhh...into a cream pie? [puts cream pie in place]
  • Patrick: I like pie.
  • Billy: Say now.
  • Customer: That, I'd pay to see! [crowd becomes excited while waving the cash]
  • Mr. Krabs: [taking cash from the crowd] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank...
  • [Meanwhile, Patrick is attempting to regain his balance.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, let 'er rip! [Patrick falls headfirst into the pie, and the crowd cheers. To Squidward] I'll be in the back counting me money. If the crowd gets bored, add some more boxes!
  • Squidward: Whatever.
  • [Bubble transition to closing time at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Patrick walk out.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, hat man... How are you feeling after your first day on the job?
  • Patrick: [feels morbidly disheveled] I feel like a million bucks... [falls over]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! [Patrick mumbles incoherently] Okay, that's it! No best friend of mine is gonna suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr. Krabs can make a quick buck! I'm gonna go have a talk with him right-
  • Patrick: [grabs SpongeBob] No! P-please, don't tell Mr. Krabs! You don't understand. For years, people have been telling me, "You're no good!" Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! [cries]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing.
  • Patrick: What's that, pal?
  • SpongeBob: Just be careful.
  • Patrick: [hugs him] Thanks, pal.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking to work.]
  • SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. [enters the Krusty Krab and notices a neon sign displaying "Featuring Pat! Ouch!". There, Mr. Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone]
  • Mr. Krabs: See the part time minimum wage employee fall from high atop this tower into this bucket of spiny sea urchins!
  • Sandals: This should be good.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • Patrick: [being hauled to top of the platform] Hi, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you can't let him do this, he might get hurt!
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh-oh-oh. It's okay, boy, he signed a waiver. [shows it to him] Is he ready, Mr. Squidward?
  • Squidward: [pulling the rope attached to Patrick] Ready!
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay! [pokes SpongeBob with the cane] Step back, boy, you wouldn’t want to stain your uniform.
  • Patrick: Hey, good idea. Squidward, could you hold my hat so it won't get hurt? [gives hat to Squidward] Thanks, buddy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ready, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Ready! [prepares to dive from the platform]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch! [cries and blows his nose on Harold's fin]
  • Harold: Hey, ew!
  • [Patrick tries to fall several times, fails]
  • Mr. Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here!
  • Patrick: I'm trying!
  • [Patrick tries to fall several times, fails again]
  • Patrick: Argh, I think I'm stuck!
  • Mr. Krabs: Stuck? Well, if that don't...[mumbles angrily and climbs up the ladder to the platform] What's the holdup, Mr. Squidward?
  • Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat.
  • Mr. Krabs: [jumps on the plank as it starts to wobble, but they're now in balance] Patrick, why have you stopped falling?
  • Patrick: I don't know, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, you'd better figure it out! These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation! Now make with the codswallop, pal, understand?
  • Patrick: Uh-huh.
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't make me come back here.
  • Patrick: Hey, Squidward, you think you could, uh, you know... [mimes pushing]
  • Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. Okay, I'll do it! [charges at Patrick, but he misses and falls]
  • Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! [Squidward screaming] Oh, my hat! Gotcha! All right, back where you belong! [grabs the hat, puts it on, and falls along with Squidward while screaming]
  • Harold: Great! We get to see two for the price of one!
  • Mr. Krabs: I don't think so.
  • Harold: [sighs] Fine. [pays Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Thank you.
  • [Squidward screams and now looks to Patrick falling.]
  • Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling!
  • Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm so happy for you!
  • Patrick: I figured it out! It's the hat that makes me fall. It makes me top heavy!
  • [They crash into the urchin bucket.]
  • SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time!
  • Nat: I paid to see two guys get maimed!
  • Harold: Yeah, I want a refund!
  • Mr. Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. [customers grumble and gang up on Mr. Krabs] Hey. Wait. Hold on there, what's the big idea? [customers tear up his clothes and money flies in the air] Whoa! Whoa! Good Gravy! I'm naked! [his head sinks down to the crowd and a cloud of dust covers the screen and the dollar bills fly away] Grandma, help! [he is now in his underwear spinning around on the floor on his back with the ripped up remains of money, unconscious with X's on his eyes. After he stops spinning, he laid there for a few seconds. Then, he said to Patrick] All right, you leave me no choice!
  • Patrick: You're giving me a raise?
  • Mr. Krabs: Not even close. You're fired. [takes Patrick's hat off, causing his head to have a throbbing lump] As long as I'm still standing, you'll never wear this hat again.
  • [Patrick sobs with his hands covering his eyes.]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you okay?
  • Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to be a No Hat Pat. [walks out sadly. Cut to another time card]
  • French Narrator: Epilogue.
  • SpongeBob: [walking home with Patrick] It's okay, Patrick. Not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want.
  • Patrick: Really?
  • SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal.
  • [gives Patrick his hat]
  • Patrick: [puts it on his head and falls over] Thanks, SpongeBob! You're the best!
  • SpongeBob: [pats Patrick's back] Anytime, pal! Anytime! [the episode ends]
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