[SpongeBob trying to open the door, but Patrick is sleeping outside and blocking his door. SpongeBob tries to push the door, he opens the door slightly, looks at Patrick]
[SpongeBob closes the door, Patrick's head falls down, which makes Patrick wake up]
SpongeBob: What are you doing out here, silly?
Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away. [grumbles] Oh, barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat, again! Every time you wear that stupid thing, you're, you're gone for the whole day!
SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work.
Patrick: Why don't you just take it off so you don't have to go to work today?
SpongeBob:[laughs] I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy.
Patrick: Ugh! I hate that hat! [Patrick throws SpongeBob's hat, but it flies back onto SpongeBob's head] Fine, have it your way, hat! [Squidward walks out] Hmph. Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What? [puts on hat]
Patrick: Oh no! He's got the hat, too!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can play then.
Patrick: I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job and a hat!
[Cuts to the Krusty Krab, where a kid is adding ketchup to his fries]
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, that's enough, lad. What do ya think, I'm made of ketchup? Now run along, boy. [Notices a group of tourists] That sounds like... a band of roaming tourists. [Runs out of the Krusty Krab] Wait, come back! Don't ya wanna give me your money?! They're a slippery bunch. What do I have to do to catch 'em, stand around out here all day? [Notices Patrick] What are you doing there, Patrick?
Patrick: Standin' around out here all day.
[Mr. Krabs gets an idea]
Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, Patrick?
Patrick: Oh boy, gimme my hat!
Mr. Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first you have to entice people into the restaurant by standin' right here and holdin' this sign. [Mr. Krabs hands Patrick an arrow-shaped sign saying "The Krusty Krab"] That's not too tough for ya, is it boy?
Patrick: Sounds complicated, but if it gets me a work hat. [Holds up the sign] How's this?
Mr. Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearin' that hat in no time at all. [From inside the Krusty Krab] Hee hee hee.
SpongeBob: What's shakin' Mr. K?
Mr. Krabs: You're buddy Patrick. I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign.
SpongeBob: Oh, he is good.
Mr. Krabs: And look. He's about reel in his first customer.
Harold: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab please? [Patrick holds the sign so it's pointing at the Chum Bucket. Harold runs into the Chum Bucket.]
Mr. Krabs: What does he think he's doing?! [Multiple fish walk past Patrick] They're walkin' right past him. [Runs outside to Patrick] Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy.
Patrick: Okay. [Hits a fish in the head with the sign]
Mr. Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something. [Spins the sign, causing it to fly out of Patrick's hands. Hands the sign back to Patrick] Just keep workin' on that one, eh boy? Listen, if any tourists come by, why don't you blow them away with a little extra twirl.
Patrick: Any thing for my new hat.
[Patrick sees tourists approaching, so he spins the sign very fast. The wind is so intense that a window opens, and a tourist's camera gets blown away]
Mr. Krabs: That's enough Patrick!
[Mr. Krabs and the tourists get blown away]
Patrick: I did it! Did you see that Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I saw it.
Patrick: Do I get my hat now?
Mr. Krabs: Ehhh... what the heck. It pays to advertise. [Gives Patrick a Krusty Krab hat]
Patrick: Yeah! Wheeee! [Then Patrick falls on his face, gets back up and falls down again]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's wrong with him?
SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
Patrick: Sometimes when I'm nervous, I forget how to stand!
SpongeBob: He's nervous.
Blue Fish: Ha ha! Look at that guy! He can't even stand on his own two feet!
Pink Fish: Now that's that kind of mindlessness I'd pay money to see!
[Mr. Krabs looks at them, then neck stretches out over to them]
Mr. Krabs: You mean, CASH money?!
Pink Fish: Well, heck, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Five dollars please. Alright.
Mr. Krabs: There's that sound again. They're loving it. Patrick, you've captured the attention of all these tourists with your ridiculous blackdoodle.
Patrick: I did?
Mr. Krabs: That's right, I think we've finally found a job for you that you're good at. Being an absolute buffoon! If it's folly you crave, it can be found exclusively at the Krusty Krab. For just five dollars a head.
[Bubble transition. Patrick falls and everybody is laughing and cheering]
Squidward: It's official. [everyone is still laughing] I hate everyone. [Patrick falls into the kitchen] You imbeciles think that's entertainment? Brace yourself for true entertainment! [plays on clarinet off-key]
SpongeBob: Are you okay?
Patrick: I'm fine.
Pink Fish: Oh, that horrible noise! [customers begin to leave]
Mr. Krabs: What the barnacles is going on out here?
Squidward: I'm entertaining those heathens.
Mr. Krabs: We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much! [points to Patrick, but he's not there] Hey, where'd he go?
SpongeBob:[guiding Patrick, who has a tissue in his nose] That's buddy. Come on.
Mr. Krabs: What's with him?
SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was going to walk him home.
Mr. Krabs: A bloody nose, eh? Do ya think I was born yesterday? He doesn't even have a nose. Now everybody, get back to work! I'm Not Running A Happy Factory Here [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick get back into there positions. to Patrick] keep up the good work, Patrick!
Patrick: You got it, Mr. K!
Narrator: 7 hours later.
[Patrick is still falling and three customers are watching as Billy passes by]
Billy: Hey, is that guy still flopping?
Customer: Yeah! Amazing isn't it?
Billy: Doesn't that get old?
Customer: He's got a point. Let's get out of here.
Billy: Me too, i'm out. [everyone's leaving]
Mr. Krabs: Hey! What's going on?
Harold: This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement!
Mr. Krabs: You want excitement? Well, what if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box and he falls from it]
Billy: Sort of the same thing, really.
Mr. Krabs: Ok, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts creme pie in place]
Patrick: I like pie.
Billy: That, I'd pay to see! [crowd becomes excited]
Mr. Krabs: Okay boy, let 'er rip! [Patrick falls headfirst into the pie. to Squidward] I'll be in the back counting me money. If the crowd gets bored, add some more boxes!
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick... How are you feeling after your first day on the job?
Patrick:[appearance morbidly disheveled] I feel like a million BUCKS... [falls over]
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! [Patrick mumbles incoherently] OK, that's it! No best friend of mine is going to suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr Krabs can make a quick buck. I'm going to go have a talk with him right -
Patrick:[Grabs SpongeBob] No! P-please, don't tell Mr. Krabs! You don't understand. For years people have been telling me, “You're no good!” Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! [He cries]
SpongeBob: OK, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing.
Patrick: What's that, pal?
SpongeBob: Just be careful, hm?
Patrick:[Hugs him] Thanks pal.
[Cut to SpongeBob walking to work]
SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. [Enters the Krusty Krabs, where Mr. Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone]
Mr. Krabs: SEE THE PART TIME MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYEE FALL FROM HIGH ATOP THIS TOWER INTO THIS BUCKET OF SPINY SEA URCHINS!
Sandals: This should be good.
Patrick:[Being hauled to top of the platform] Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, you can't let him do this, he might get hurt!
Mr. Krabs: It's OK, boy, he signed a waiver. [Shows it to him] Is he ready, Mr Squidward?
Mr. Krabs: OK! Get back, boy, you wouldn’t want to stain your uniform.
Patrick: Hey, good idea. Hey, Squidward, could you hold me hat so it won't get hurt? [gives hat to Squidward] Thanks buddy.
Mr. Krabs: Ready, Patrick?
Patrick: Ready! [Prepares to dive from the platform]
SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch! [Cries and blows his nose on Harold's fin]
Harold: Hey, ew!
[tries to fall several times, fails]
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here!
Patrick: I'm trying!
[tries to fall several times, fails again]
Patrick: Argh, I think I'm stuck!
Mr. Krabs: Stuck? Well if that don't … [Mumbles angrily and climbs a ladder to the platform] What's the hold up, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick, why have you stopped falling?
Patrick: I dunno, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well you'd better figure it out. These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation. Now make with the cods-wallop, pal, understand?
Patrick: Uh huh.
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me come back here.
Patrick: Hey, Squidward, d'you think you could, uh, you know … [Mimes pushing]
Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. OK, I'll do it! [He charges at Patrick but misses and falls]
Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! Oh, my hat. Gotcha! All right, back where you beloooong, aaaah! [Grabs hat puts it on and falls].
Harold: Great, we get to see two for the price of one!
Mr. Krabs: I don't think so.
Harold: Fine. [Pays Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you.
Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling!
Squidward: Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Patrick: I figured it out; it's the hat that makes me fall, it makes me top heavy!
[They crash into the urchin bucket]
SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time!
Nat: I paid to see two guys get maimed.
Harold: Yeah, I want a refund.
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. [customers grumble] Hold on there, what's the big idea? [Customers tear up his clothes and money flies in the air] Grandma, help! [he is in his underwear] All right, you leave me no choice.
Patrick: You're giving me a raise.
Mr. Krabs: Not even close, you're fired. As long as I'm still standing, you will never wear this hat again!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you OK?
Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to being to no hat pat! [cries]
SpongeBob:[Walking home with Patrick] It's OK, Patrick, not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal.
[gives Patrick his hat]
Patrick:[He puts it on and falls over and falls] Thanks, SpongeBob! You're the best!