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Nasty Patty
Season №: 3
Episode №: 44a
Airdate: March 1, 2002
Previous: "The Bully"
Next: "Idiot Box"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Nasty Patty" from season three, which aired on March 1, 2002.

  • Narrator: Oh, a dark and stormy night. It's nights like these that remind me of the time Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob thought they killed the health inspector. [laughs evilly. Stormy night becomes calm day] It was a bright and sunny morning. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where a fish drives up and stops in front of the restaurant. The scene zooms into his badge that reads 'Health Inspector']
  • Mr. Krabs: [Taking a bath in money] Ah...That smells like... [gasps] ...the health inspector! [Mr. Krabs runs up to SpongeBob in a yellow towel] Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here! [both are peeking out the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is writing on a clipboard] If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Krusty Krab.
  • SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, there's no reason to worry. [eyes widen] The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.
  • Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son? [pushes SpongeBob out the door] Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him. [SpongeBob walks up to the health inspector, who is still writing on his clipboard at the table]
  • SpongeBob: What can I get for you...handsome?
  • Mr. Krabs: [slaps forehead] We're doomed.
  • Health Inspector: I'm going to need you to bring me one of everything on the menu.
  • SpongeBob: [walking backwards back into the kitchen] Excellent choice, my darling. Coming right up! [SpongeBob enters the kitchen, where Krabs waits] He wants one of everything.
  • Mr. Krabs: Then we'll give him a smorgasbord! [holds up a tray of a patty, a drink, some fries, and coral bits] The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake! [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs run up to the health inspector]
  • SpongeBob: Try the Krusty Kelp Dog, sir! [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • Mr. Krabs: The Buttered Barnacles are a touch of heaven. [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • SpongeBob: The Powdered Driftwood is exquisite. [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • Mr. Krabs: Fresh Sludge Pudding? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • SpongeBob: More Diet Red Tide? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • Mr. Krabs: Some Fried Flotsam? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]
  • Health Inspector: Please, gentlemen! [swallows all the food in his mouth] Leave me to finish my work in peace. [clicks his pen, which is actually a fork that comes out. Later, the health inspector has eaten everything on the table and burps]
  • SpongeBob: And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?
  • Health Inspector: [writes on his clipboard] So far, so good. I just need to try a plain Krabby Patty and my inspection will be finished.
  • SpongeBob: [open kitchen door] He says if he gets one more Krabby Patty, he'll pass us for the inspection!
  • Mr. Krabs: [picks up SpongeBob] Do you know what this means, dear boy? We're in the clear! [both dance off then leapfrog over each other, across the screen then do the can-can in dresses until a news report comes on tv]
  • A. Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now. [Mr. Krabs gets angry]
  • Mr. Krabs: Free food?!
  • SpongeBob: Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.
  • Mr. Krabs: You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!
  • SpongeBob: Duped!
  • Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!
  • SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!
  • Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word, and I agree with ya! [both look through the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is wiping his mouth off, finishing his drink, and cleaning his teeth with a toothpick] Look at him. I bet he never changes his underwear.
  • SpongeBob: I bet he bites whale bubbles.
  • Mr. Krabs: I bet his mom bought him that hat. [holds up a krabby patty] If that impostor wants a Krabby Patty, then by Neptune, we'll give him one. [flicks the top bun off and puts a some volcano sauce on the patty] You're dancin' with the crab man now! Join me, boy, or you're fired!
  • SpongeBob: It doesn't seem right... [holds up a bottle of seahorse radish] ...but it feels so good! [dumps a spoonful on the patty] Seahorse radish: the gnarliest stuff in the ocean.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ohh, hold on, I've got a ton of toenail clippings in my office! [runs off as SpongeBob drops the patty in the toilet]
  • SpongeBob: Oops, I dropped it in the toilet! [Mr. Krabs runs in with a smelly sock]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with me gym socks! [scene cuts to showing a disgusting krabby patty with what appears to be pimples and green meat] Why that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned! [both are wearing clothespins on their noses]
  • SpongeBob: I call it the 'Nasty Patty'. [both laugh]
  • Health Inspector: Hey, hurry up with that patty! [SpongeBob runs in with the patty]
  • SpongeBob: [speaking quickly] Here you go sir, enjoy. [runs back into the kitchen]
  • Health Inspector: Ah, hello, delicious. Come to papa. [a fly flies into his throat. He starts to choke]
  • Mr. Krabs: [listening from the kitchen] Listen, he ate it! [both look out from the kitchen window] Oh, look at him choke! [both laugh] Look at him suffer! [both keep laughing.] Did you see that, boy? Oh man, the look on his face. [Health inspector slips on some packets of condiments and bangs his head on the table. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are still laughing. Another TV bulletin comes on]
  • A. Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash. The fake inspector has been captured. Here is his picture. [picture is shown on the tv] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.
  • SpongeBob: Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps] I don't think he'll be laughin', boy.
  • SpongeBob: Why, sir?
  • Mr. Krabs: Because that patty killed him! [both scream, check the inspector again, then scream again]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?
  • Mr. Krabs: What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty. Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!
  • SpongeBob: But you told me to give it to him!
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, you could've talked me out of it!
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs, I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison, they'll mop up the floor with me. [Mr. Krabs grabs him]
  • Mr. Krabs: Get a hold of yourself, boy. We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it. We've got to take it out and bury it. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs on a muddy hill.]
  • Spongebob: [disguised] Eww, gross, germs, it's all icky and corpsy! [SpongeBob is dragging the body by a tissue and is constantly spraying it with disinfectant]
  • Mr. Krabs: This should be far enough. Now get diggin'! [hands SpongeBob a shovel]
  • SpongeBob: Yes, sir. [while digging a big hole, his shovel hits something]
  • Mr. Krabs: What's the holdup down there?
  • SpongeBob: There's a big rock in the way!
  • Mr. Krabs: Well toss it out and get back to diggin'!
  • SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye aye, sir! [tosses the huge rock behind him]
  • Health Inspector: Uhh, where am I? [rock hits him in the head knocking him out again]
  • Mr. Krabs: Somethin' ain't quite right.
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean, Mr. Krabs? [health inspectors head is out of the ground]
  • Mr. Krabs: His head's stickin' out! [SpongeBob covers his head with more sand]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought he might need some air.
  • Mr. Krabs: They don't need air where he's going.
  • SpongeBob: Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?
  • Mr. Krabs: Uhh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere, and, uhh...
  • SpongeBob: [bawling] What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why? Why? Why?! [Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob]
  • Mr. Krabs: Listen here, ya little barnacle. No one, and I mean no one, can ever know about this. It'll be the end of you, it'll be the end of me, and worst of all, it'll be the end of me.
  • Officer Malley: [shines a flashlight on them] Stop right where you are! I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you! [SpongeBob hangs on Mr. Krabs]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I'm too young to go to jail! [Mr. Krabs covers his mouth]
  • Mr. Krabs: And what would be the charges?
  • Officer Malley: For not being at the Krusty Krab to whip us up a couple of dee-licious Krabby Patties! [both police officers laugh. Mr. Krabs laughs nervously]
  • Mr. Krabs: Laugh, boy. [SpongeBob laughs. It rains. The rain makes the health inspector slide down the hill]
  • Officer Nancy: Put that muddy shovel in the trunk and we'll give you a ride back. [SpongeBob is still laughing until Mr. Krabs hits him. Mr. Krabs opens the trunk and SpongeBob puts the shovel in it]
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, listen carefully. We're just getting a lift back to the Krusty Krab. I need you to stay calm and don't lose your cool. Understand. [SpongeBob looks down]
  • SpongeBob: Can I lose my cool now?
  • Mr. Krabs: Why? [SpongeBob points to the health inspector, who is now down the hill. Both scream and Mr. Krabs grabs the body and gives it to SpongeBob] Put it in the trunk, boy! I'll keep them cops busy!
  • Officer Malley: What's the holdup back there? [Mr. Krabs starts talking to him as a distraction]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Neptune, get away! [throws the inspector in the trunk then sprays himself with disinfectant. Slams the trunk on the health inspector, who was waking up] Ahem. Ok, all set back here. Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the trunk. [laughs nervously]
  • Mr. Krabs: All set! [SpongeBob slides in almost motionlessly]
  • Officer Nancy: You ok there, little fella?
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, he gets carsick real easy.
  • Officer Malley: Well buckle up and we'll drive real smooth-like. [drives off]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now listen, SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab, I want you to take that [winks] shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...err, I mean, stow it in the freezer. Understand?
  • SpongeBob: I understand, Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo...
  • Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob's lips] ...ttles of soda! Bottles of soda, Same thing, put 'em in the freezer. [Nancy stares at them funny. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is bringing the body to the back]
  • SpongeBob: Oh man, this is so gross! [tries the handle on the door but there is a lock] The back door is locked. What am I gonna do? [scene cuts to inside the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob enters with a big hat where the health inspector is in it]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I thought you were out back taking care of that shovel! [twitches & winks his eyes]
  • SpongeBob: Well, the back door was locked, so I came around here. [his hat sags over, and SpongeBob puts it back in position] So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put my hat in the freezer now. [walks to the kitchen very carefully]
  • Mr. Krabs: Okey dokey, SpongeBob!
  • Officer Malley: Is that boy ok?
  • Officer Nancy: He's acting a little funny.
  • Mr. Krabs: Funny? Oh, yeah! [laughs] He's a real cutup, that one. He knows how to keep the growing stages! Good one, boy! Always on, that one, there's no off on his funny switch! [laughs. SpongeBob is trying to get through a door but his hat is too big] Oh, look, I almost forgot, it's 'Open Cash Register' night! First two customers get all the money in the cash register! [hands out the money. SpongeBob gets his hat inside the kitchen]
  • Policeman: [listens to his walkie-talkie] Eighty-six those patties, Krabs. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff over by Shallow Grave Road.
  • Officer Nancy: I want a soda. [Mr. Krabs gives her one]
  • Mr. Krabs: Here's your soda! Always a pleasure to serve the folks in blue. Well, goodbye now!
  • Officer Nancy: Hey, there's no ice!
  • Mr. Krabs: [nervous] Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice? Is that what you want? [SpongeBob slides on screen]
  • SpongeBob: The dark deed you requested is done, sir.
  • Officer Nancy: [walks to the kitchen] I'll get it myself. Ice is in the freezer, right? [Mr. Krabs runs to block the freezer door]
  • Mr. Krabs: There is no ice! There's never been any ice. Ice is just a myth.
  • Officer Nancy: Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ok, I confess! [points to SpongeBob] SpongeBob killed him!
  • SpongeBob: What? You can't pin this whole rap on me!
  • Mr. Krabs: He was insane! Out of control! He would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along.
  • SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs' idea.
  • Mr. Krabs: Put him down now! He's a mad dog!
  • SpongeBob: He wears curlers to bed!
  • Mr. Krabs: Wait! It's not what you think!
  • Officer Nancy: What are you two talking about?
  • Mr. Krabs: We killed the health inspector! Buried him and then stuffed his body in the freezer!
  • Officer Nancy: You mean in here? [opens the freezer but it's empty]
  • Mr. Krabs: It's empty?
  • Officer Nancy: Is this some kind of a joke?
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah...a joke! [SpongeBob giggles]
  • Officer Nancy: Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out. [everyone laughs. Just then a fish walks up moaning]
  • SpongeBob: [screams] It's the zombie! [the inspector turns the lights on]
  • Health Inspector: Hey, you guys...
  • Officer Malley: [hits the inspector with an anchor] Take that, you zombie! [inspector now has a huge bump on his head]
  • Officer Nancy: I'll take it from here. [hits the inspector with a barrel] Die, zombie!
  • Officer Malley: Good police work, officer Nancy. Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector.
  • Health Inspector: Yes. And at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this. [gives Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob a note with the word 'pass' on it checked]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs, look. We passed the inspection!
  • Everyone: Hooray! [everyone walks out of the kitchen]
  • Mr. Krabs: Come on, everybody. Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.
  • Health Inspector: [inspector tries to crawl out] Oh boy, I'd like a Krabby Patt... [door slams in his face. Scene cuts to above water where its stormy again]
  • Narrator: Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?

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