Mrs. Puff, You're Fired/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/69b

• [At Mrs. Puff's Boating School]
• Mr. Fitz: Morning, Mrs. Puff. I'm Mr. Fitz. I represent the 'Boating School Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we have noticed there have been an unusual large number of failings from this classroom.
• Mrs. Puff: That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.
• Mr. Fitz: Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times. [shows folder with a bunch of files]
• Mrs. Puff: You don't understand. SpongeBob is unteachable.
• Mr. Fitz: We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.
• SpongeBob: Honk honk! Beep beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?
• Mr. Fitz: Ok, Mrs. Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced.
• Mrs. Puff: [in the boat with SpongeBob and Mr. Fitz] Ok, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fitz everything I've taught you in boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?
• SpongeBob: [snaps fingers] Seat-belt-aroony. One second. [gets tangled in seat-belt then squeezes self through. Mr. Fitz writes on his notepad]
• Mrs. Puff: Then what do you do?
• SpongeBob: Start the engine?
• Mrs. Puff: Yes.
• SpongeBob: [starts the boat] Now what do I do?
• Mrs. Puff: Drive the boat. [SpongeBob drives into a boat]
• SpongeBob: Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?
• Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you failed.
• SpongeBob: I failed?
• Mr. Fitz: It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.
• Mrs. Puff: I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? [starts laughing louder and louder] No more... SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come. Goodbye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life.
• SpongeBob: [in classroom] I got Mrs. Puff fired. [banging and crashing]
• Roderick: Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. [he smashes Mrs. Puff's nameplate] No one's ever failed my class...that's lived through it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spine will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. You will drive out of this school in style. Or you will be carted out in your granny's hand basket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking.
• Peterson: Does that mean... [Roderick throws Peterson through the door]
• Roderick: Second Rule: no eating in my class. Would anyone care for a bon-bon.
• Monroe: Uhh, I'll eat one. [all gasp. Monroe walks to Roderick]
• Roderick: Pick your favorite. [Monroe takes one and eats it] How's it taste?
• Monroe: It's a delightful taste sensation.
• Roderick: No eating in my classroom! [throws Monroe through another door] Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... [everyone but SpongeBob run out] Looks like you're the man, Sponge.
• SpongeBob: I am?
• Roderick: [outside] Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?
• SpongeBob: Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive [jumps in the boat]
• Roderick: What do you think you're doing?
• SpongeBob: Ready for my test, sir.
• Roderick: [takes SpongeBob out of the boat] You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. [shows roads will all sorts of obstacles] This is [the] most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it.
• SpongeBob: Crawl?
• Roderick: Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. Hut two. [SpongeBob crawls forward]
• SpongeBob: Left turn. [turns left] Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!
• Roderick: Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.
• SpongeBob: Pebble!! [crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand and goes on screaming] Oh whoa! [...then rolls down the obstacle course then into the air, out of the water, then back down where the instructor catches him as he screams] Oh whoa! [...until he stops screaming] Whew! [falls with only his arm taken off]
• Roderick: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. [removes the pebble from SpongeBob's hand] Tripped up by a wee pebble. [crushes the pebble] What are you suppose to be learning in my class?
• SpongeBob: How to drive, sir?
• Roderick: Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. Then you learn to walk and then you learn to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. [bends SpongeBob's arm] I want you to crawl! [puts SpongeBob's arm back]
• SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!!
• Roderick: Now get out there! [SpongeBob crawls around a hole then his instructor takes off his shoes and socks; he wiggles his toes after his shoes are forcibly taken off, and carries the instructor on his back. Then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste] Every good boater needs to know his vehicle inside and out. [hands SpongeBob a wrench] Here, go take that boat apart. [SpongeBob takes the boat apart] I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!
• SpongeBob: [laughs] That'll be easy.
• Roderick: Are you sure?
• SpongeBob: Um, yeah. You just put the jigamahoo on the doohicky and uhh... [laughs] I might need a couple minutes. [later, the instructor is sleeping] It's ready, sarge! [SpongeBob has re-assembled the boat into a rocket ship.]
• Roderick: [the rocket blasts off] Jumpin' jellyfish.
• SpongeBob: Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestrian!! [crashes through a lot of pedestrians] So, umm, how'd I do?
• Roderick: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian...HOW YOU DID!
• SpongeBob: Now I know this forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?
• Roderick: Not quite. [puts blindfold on SpongeBob] Now do it blindfolded.
• Narrator: Several days later.
• SpongeBob: 1003, 1004, 1005. [stops] Ooh, pebble #143. [steps over pebble] Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. [old lady pedestrian pops up] Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1...13.
• Roderick: Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.
• SpongeBob: Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... [runs into a pole]
• Roderick: [now in boat] Let's see what I taught you, laddy.
• SpongeBob: Yes, sir! [drives boat] Left turn at pebble #143. Kid with a ball. [SpongeBob continues] Nice boy.
• Roderick: Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. [SpongeBob parallel parks] Very good. [now at real exam] Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fits what you've learn.
• SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Step 1: seatbelts. [puts on seatbelt with no problem]
• Roderick: Excellent work, cadet. What's next?
• SpongeBob: Step 2 would be...ignite engine.
• Roderick: Step 3?
• SpongeBob: Step 3 would be... [takes out blindfold and his eyes shrink] ...engage blindfold.
• Roderick: What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal.
• SpongeBob: But I can't do it without a blindfold.
• Roderick: Drive, boy! Drive!
• [SpongeBob kicks down on the gas pedal and the boat is off. At the first turn is a giant red canister labeled "GAS". SpongeBob fails to make the right turn and instead crashes right into the gas can, obliterating the boating school facilty in a mushroom-radius explosion, and sending debris from the boating school sign, etc., flying everywhere. As the debris begins to clear, the boat flies into the air and goes soaring.]
• Roderick: Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. [boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. Spurts out from a fire hydrant. Then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery]
• Mrs. Puff: Ah, I feel so serened now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. [Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, the instructor, and Mr. Fitz fearing their lives]
• Roderick: The brake son!
• SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir. [takes brake apart] There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two of the bolts.
• Roderick: I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. [jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it] Come get some! [boat runs over him]
• SpongeBob: Man down. Man down. [SpongeBob drives into the city and into each building] Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.
• Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now.
• Patrick: My pants!
• SpongeBob: Hey, I can't see! [dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks] Did I pass?
• Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.
• Patrick: [takes pants off SpongeBob's head] The nerve of some people.
• Mr. Fitz: Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again.
• SpongeBob: [at boating school] Hey, Mrs. Puff! Sorry I'm "unteachable".
• Mrs. Puff: It's okay. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. [sniffles, holds up a burnt, charred object] And your dossier was destroyed in the explosion, [voice breaking] so it's as if you never failed.
• SpongeBob: I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. [shows name tag] I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time.
• [Mrs. Puff puts her head down on her desk and begins to sob quietly, and the nametag shatters as the episode ends.]