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Money Talks
Season №: 5
Episode №: 88a
Airdate: July 31, 2007
Previous: "Breath of Fresh Squidward"
Next: "SpongeBob vs. The Patty Gadget"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Money Talks" from season five, which aired on July 31, 2007.

  • [at the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?
  • Customer: I'd like that table over by the window. [points to the table behind him where Mary and Old Man Jenkins are sitting]
  • SpongeBob: As soon as the present customers are done with it. They like to chew their food thoroughly.
  • Mary: 97... 98... 99...
  • Old Man Jenkins: Don't rush me, woman!
  • Customer: Perhaps this will speed up the process. [shows him some money]
  • SpongeBob: How will that help them chew faster?
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the problem?
  • SpongeBob: No problem, I was just telling this customer he needed to wait for his favorite table.
  • Customer: Five bucks if I get the table now. [Mr. Krabs kicks out Mary and Old Man Jenkins]
  • Mary: Ow, my hip.
  • Mr. Krabs: Enjoy your meal. Let me know if you need anything else.
  • SpongeBob: Why did you give him the table?
  • Mr. Krabs: You know what they say: "Money Talks."
  • SpongeBob: I didn't know money could talk. Did it tell you to kick those old people out? [talking to money] What do you have against old people?
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't go goofy on me, boy. Money can't really talk. Only fish can talk.
  • SpongeBob: Wouldn't it be neat if money could talk?
  • Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Yeah. Wait a minute...
  • Squidward: What's that music?
  • SpongeBob: I think Mr. Krabs is gonna sing.
  • Squidward: Oh, great.
  • Mr. Krabs: ♪If I could talk to money, how great my life would be. We'd tell each other secrets, all their friends would visit me. I'd bathe in filthy riches, which is clean enough for me. Oh, if you could tell me what you want, how happy we would be. We'd surely be the best of friends, we'd never disagree. There wouldn't be a downside, not one that I could see. If I could talk to money, come along, sing with me.♪
  • Squidward: Uh, no thanks, I got to go.
  • SpongeBob: I really have to pee.
  • Mr. Krabs: ♪If I could talk to money, and it could talk to me. We'd always be the best of friends, for all eternity.♪ [Mr. Krabs chortles]
  • Patrick: [comes out of the bathroom] What did I miss?
  • Mr. Krabs: ♪Oh...♪ [all mumbling and muttering] ♪If I could talk to money, how great my life...♪ [cuts to Mr. Krabs's house outside then inside] Parlez vous Francais? Hable Español? Ou-yay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay? Mm-hmm. Maybe this will make you talk. Talk! You're being too hard on the little guy. You can talk to me. I'm your friend. [cries] I would give anything to talk to money. Anything!
  • Flying Dutchman: Anything?
  • Mr. Krabs: You?
  • Flying Dutchman: That's right. 'Tis I, the ominous Flying Dutchman. I'll grant your wish but it'll cost you.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, my immortal soul. I've heard that speech before. [signs contract]
  • Flying Dutchman: Wha...? Well, uh, great. But be warned!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, skip the lecture. I want what's coming to me.
  • Flying Dutchman: Humph, you're no fun at all, you know that?
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, is that pixie dust? [the Dutchman throws the dust into Mr. Krabs eyes.Mr. Krabs screams and runs around] Whew, that was a strange dream.
  • Nickel: You think that was a strange dream? I dreamt I was trapped in a prison made of peanut butter.
  • Mr. Krabs: Who said that?
  • Nickel: Down here.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, it's a nickel. What were you doing in my belly button, little fella?
  • Nickel: I got stuck in there during your last coin shower. [shudders] I don't want to talk about it.
  • Mr. Krabs: [takes his wallet and takes out a five-dollar bill] Do you have anything to say to me?
  • Dollar Bill: Yeah, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?
  • Mr. Krabs: It worked! I can talk to money. Oh...
  • Nickel: Please, don't start singing again. [cut to Krusty Krab, the next day]
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, darlings. Soon you'll be rejoined with all your friends. [kisses his money]
  • Mary: Oh, my, why don't you kiss me like that?
  • Old Man Jenkins: Don't start.
  • Squidward: That'll be five dollars. [puts money in register]
  • Five-Dollar Bill: Hey, dudes.
  • Money: Run, jump! Jump out! Jump out! [Mr Krabs closes the register and chuckles]
  • Mr. Krabs: [opens up his safe] Good morning, my darlings.
  • Money: Good morning, Mr Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: You're coming home with me.
  • Money: Yay!
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I did it. I can talk to money. [shows him a bag of money] Go ahead, say hello.
  • SpongeBob: Hello... money.
  • Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Oh, aren't they a riot? [walks out the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: I'm starting to worry about Mr Krabs.
  • Squidward: I'm worried he just left with my paycheck. [cut to Mr Krabs' house where he's on the floor with his money]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now that we're alone, let's tell each other secrets.
  • One-Dollar: What kind of secrets are you talking about?
  • Dime: Yeah, we live in a safe.
  • Money: yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: You have any friends you can invite over?
  • One-Dollar: Aren't we enough for you?
  • Dime: Yeah, what's wrong with us?
  • Money: Yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: Nothing, nothing. You guys are great. I thought you guy might want some company, you know, to make you happy.
  • Money: Why don't you ask what would make us happy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ok, so how can I make you happy?
  • Money: Spend us!
  • Mr. Krabs: What?
  • Dime: We're money. It's in our nature.
  • One-Dollar: I've been trapped in that safe for eight years. I always wanted to be spent on a fairy princess outfit.
  • Mr. Krabs: What? No way.
  • Ten-Dollar: I want to be spent on corn dogs.
  • Five-Dollar: I want to be spent on diapers.
  • Money: Yeah, yeah, me too.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, wait a minute. I am not spending you on corn dogs, diapers, or fairy princess outfits. [cut to the mall]
  • Clerk: Did you find everything ok?
  • Mr. Krabs: [dressed up in the outfits that the money were talking about] Unfortunately.
  • Money: All right! [Mr. Krabs cries]
  • SpongeBob: [he walks up wearing a blue-purple fairy princess outfit. He also eats a corn dog. Under his outfit he has a diaper] Mr. Krabs, lookin' good. [Mr . Krabs screams and runs away]
  • Patrick: [he's dressed in a dark green princess outfit and also has on a diaper as he eats his corn dog] What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. He's acting kind of weird. [cut back to Mr. Krabs' house, at dusk]
  • Money: [moaning] Spend us. Spend us.
  • Mr. Krabs: I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.
  • Money: Spend us.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?
  • Money: Spend us.
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm not listening...
  • Money: Spend us.
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm not... [knock on door] SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: [back in everyday clothes] Hi, Mr. Krabs. I just came by to make sure you weren't, you know, totally insane.
  • Mr. Krabs: [chuckles as he has bloodshot eyes] Take this bag as far away as possible and bury it. [closes door then nervously chuckles] What have I done? [opens door] Give me that back. [takes the bag of money and closes door again]
  • SpongeBob: Ok,glad you're not insane. [he walks off. Cut to later]
  • Mr. Krabs: [he has a 5 o'clock shadow] Dutchman, you cheated me. Take this horrible curse away! [weeps] I want a refund.
  • Flying Dutchman: All sales are final from the Flying Dutchman, especially for a selfish shellfish like yourself. Try saying that three times fast. Your soul's going into me fanny pack of despair. [squeals] Now pay up. Huh? [He pulls a paper out of Mr. Krabs' pants] An I.O.U. [I Owe You]?
  • Mr. Krabs: Hehe, yeah, well, I sort of sold my soul already.
  • Flying Dutchman: What? To who?
  • Mr. Krabs: To those guys.
  • Monster: We were here first, pops.
  • Monster #2: We've all got a claim on Krabs's soul.
  • Monster: Get to the back of the line. [He does so. He sees SpongeBob in the line]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now, now, I'm sure we can sort this out.
  • Flying Dutchman: You too, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: He was five bucks short on payday. [Flying Dutchman sighs in disappointment]

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