Model Sponge/transcript

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Template:EpisodeTr/130b

• [SpongeBob is looking at a filthy mirror]
• SpongeBob: Ah, you're nothing. Is all that grime meant to scare me? I've seen sardines tougher than you are. Time to put you in your place. [squirts soap on his head and scrubs the mirror clean] You look clean! Sorry about those harsh words. [gets mop and bucket] Now time to attack these floors!
• Mr. Krabs: [on the phone] Are you kidding? He's a fortune to have around the workplace...
• SpongeBob: It sounds like Mr. Krabs is bragging about me again. [chuckles as he turns to reveal an ear]
• Mr. Krabs: ...I mean he's been here for such a long time now...
• SpongeBob: Yep. [laughs]
• Mr. Krabs: ...but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let the little guy go now.
• SpongeBob: Yes, he's gonna have to-- [shocked] WHAT? LET THE LITTLE GUY GO?! Little guy? Who's the little guy? It must be either me, or [gasps] Squidward! [SpongeBob stands behind Squidward who is sitting down] Well, it looks like you're the little guy, Squiddy!
• Squidward: No, and I want you to stop calling me Squiddy. [walks away]
• SpongeBob: Squidward looked a bit talller there for a second. [SpongeBob next to Squidward]
• Squidward: What do you think you're doing?
• SpongeBob: Just seeing which on of us is the little guy... [makes himself taller] ...and it looks like it IS you!
• Squidward: Not, i'm not. [walks away]
• SpongeBob: Squidward! [becomes short again] Squidward, wait! We haven't tired it with my legs extended! [extends legs]
• Squidward: I don't care! Now get back in the kitchen!
• SpongeBob: You'll care when you find out what's gonna happen to the little guy. WHOA! [walks off balance and falls and breaks a table] Oh, who am I kidding? I need to face the facts. [makes a strange face] Face the facts that I THA LIDDLE GUY! [tears up, making another face] And dat Mr. Krabs is lething me go tohay.
• Squidward: [smiles] Krabs is letting you go today? [laughs] As if I won't have to keep working with you ever again. [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [walks through the doors and becomes flattened] Good bye, Krusty Krab. Good bye, life as I know it. [the wind blows SpongeBob away]
• Mr. Krabs: Yeah, as much as I hate doing it, I have to let him go. [a little scallop in a cage is shown] He's gotten too big for his cage. [releases the scallop] Go on, fly away, you'll be missed
• [SpongeBob floats into his house, landing in a chair]
• Gary: Meeeooow.
• SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use, Gary? [buries his face in the seat of the chair] I've lost the will to go on! [bursts into tears]
• [SpongeBob arrives from the door happily]
• SpongeBob: I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Director.
• Director: Very well. [grabs a megaphone] LOSE THE PANTS!
• [a hook grabs onto SpongeBob's pants and takes them away, leaving him naked]
• Director: Hans, do you have my star?!
• [a door opens and Hans comes out and grabs SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: What's happening? [lights turn on] W-what's happening?
• Director: In this scene, you'll be cleaning bathroom sudjects.
• SpongeBob: Okay, so where's my cleaning utencil?
• Director: Don't you get it? You are the cleaning utencil. [cameraman turns on camera] Roll speed!
• [Clapperman comes by]
• Clapperman: New Sponge commercial, take 1. [runs off]
• Director: ACTION!!!
• Announcer: [who sounds like Dr. Gill Gilliam] Oh, no! Your bathroom is a disaster! Get it cleaned up fast with The New Sponge. [SpongeBob stammers] Household chores a smash with New Sponge. [Hans squeezes him] It cleans sinks. [Hans cleans the sink, and the faucet] Just look at that shot! New Sponge cuts through even the toppest crime entrent! New Sponge also cleans showers. [Hans cleans the walls] Ha ha! That tile looks as good as new! But best of all, New Sponge can make any toilet sparkle! [SpongeBob gets suprised and looks at the toilet seat!]
• SpongeBob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I can't do this!
• Director: CUT!!!!
• (Opens with SpongeBob cleaning the Krusty Krab bathroom)
• SpongeBob: (To mirror) You're nothing! Is all that grime meant to scare me, Mr. Mirror? I've met sardines tougher than you are. Time to put you in your place. (Pours cleaning fluid on his head and scrubs the mirror) Looking good, mirror! Sorry about the harsh words. Now to attack these floors.
• Mr. Krabs: (In his office, on the phone) Are you kidding? He's an absolute treasure to have around the restaurant.
• SpongeBob: Sounds like Mr. Krabs is bragging about me again to his associates. (Listens at the door)
• Mr. Krabs: And he's been with me for such a long time now.
• SpongeBob: I have.
• Mr. Krabs: But I'm afraid I'm going to have to let the little guy go today.
• SpongeBob: Yep, he's gonna have to – WHAT? Let the little guy go? (Paranoid) Little guy, who's the little guy? It must be either me or Squidward. (Walks up to Squidward who is sitting on the floor) Whew, I am taller! You're the little guy, Squidsy.
• Squidward: No! And I want you to stop calling me “Squidsy”. (Walks away)
• SpongeBob: Squidward looked taller there for a second. Better get a more accurate measurement. (Climbs into the cashier boat with Squidward)
• Squidward: What do you think you're doing?
• SpongeBob: Oh, just seeing which one of us is the “little guy”. (Stretches his head) And it looks like it is you.
• Squidward: No, I'm not. (Walks away)
• SpongeBob: Squidward, wait! We haven't measured with my legs at full extension yet!
• Squidward: I don't care! Now get back in the kitchen.
• SpongeBob: You'll care when you find out what's gonna happen to the little guy! (Falls over) Oh, who am I kidding? I need to face the facts. Face the fact that I'm the little guy and that Mr. Krabs is letting me go today.
• Squidward: Krabs is letting you go today? Ha ha! As in I won't have to work with you ever again? (Laughs)
• SpongeBob: (Leaves) Goodbye, Krusty Krab. Goodbye life as I know it. (Is blown away by a gust of wind) (Cut to Mr. Krabs still talking on the telephone)
• Mr. Krabs: Yeah, as much as I don't like doing it, I have to let him go. (Gestures to a cage with a clam in it) Gotten too big for his cage. (Frees the clam) Go on, little guy, fly away. You'll be missed. (SpongeBob drifts through the window of his pineapple)
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use, Gary. I've lost the will to go on. (Cries, then stops when he sees Patrick dragging his refrigerator on a rope) Hi, Patrick.
• Patrick: Oh, sorry to interrupt your fit of self-loathing, SpongeBob. I'm just borrowing your refrigerator again.
• SpongeBob: What happened to yours?
• Patrick: Nothing, it's just empty.
• SpongeBob: Oh, get it out of my sight! Now that I have no means of purchasing food for myself, I do not need a refrigerator.
• Patrick: Well don't get down on yourself, buddy. You can still purchase food for me.
• SpongeBob: Oh no I can't, Patrick. I lost my job today. I won't be able to buy food for you, or for Gary, or for anybody!
• Patrick: Oh no, what are you going to do?
• SpongeBob: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I've been a fry cook for so long, I – I don't think I could do anything else.
• Patrick: I know, SpongeBob! Just do what I do when I'm looking for a job! (Sits in SpongeBob's armchair) Kick back, watch some TV and chug down a carton of drinkable sausage. (He does so)
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Good, Gary, there have to be some job openings in the classifieds. (Takes some newspaper that Gary was sitting on) Although these ads smell a little out of date. I'd better get some fresh ones. (Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick sat at the kitchen table reading the classifieds)
• SpongeBob: Lawyer? No, too much arguing. Stunt driver? Don't have a boating license. Astronaut? Don't like food in a bag. Oh, this one sounds interesting. “Bank teller needed”. That shouldn't be too much of a stretch from fry cooking. (Cut to SpongeBob working at the bank)
• SpongeBob: (Counting out money) 20, 40, 60, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97. (Flips it with a spatula and turns it into a Krabby Patty) Order up! (The boss rips off his name badge) (Cut to SpongeBob building a house shaped like a Krabby Patty)
• SpongeBob: What do you think, boss?
• Boss: Clam shells! What have you done, boy? I told you to build me a house, not a sandwich! (Kicks SpongeBob and Patrick away)
• SpongeBob: I guess I'm not a carpenter, Patrick. (Walks in front of a billboard advertising a sponge model job) I need to start fresh, with a job that feels natural. Something that says, “this is a job for a sponge”. Any idea where I can find a job like that, Patrick?
• Patrick: Nope. Oh, but yes! It's so obvious! You should work at the Krusty Krab, they need a fry cook.
• SpongeBob: I can't, Patrick, that's the job I got fired from, remember?
• Patrick: Oh. Perhaps you should talk to the sponge behind you. (Points to the billboard) He looks happy.
• SpongeBob: That's just a billboard, Patrick.
• Patrick: Well, why don't you get a job as a billboard?
• SpongeBob: I … don't think that's physically possible. But I could audition to be a sponge model!
• Patrick: Fine, do it your way. (Cut to a television studio)
• SpongeBob: Wow, what a set-up. I don't know, Patrick, maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I don't have the talent.
• Patrick: Oh, you have the talent. But do you have the natural ability?
• SpongeBob: Yeah, but - wait, isn't that the same thing?
• Patrick: Why don't you find out? (Gestures to the door that says “Auditions”) 
• SpongeBob: Wait! I can't do this, Patrick. What if I don't stack up to the competition? Maybe I should just beg Mr. Krabs for my old job back. (Starts to leave, but Patrick stops him)
• Patrick: No way! It's too late for that now. Krabs doesn't need you any more; this is your chance to prove you don't need him! Now get in there and earn me some groceries! (Pushes SpongeBob through the door) My friend here wants to audition for the sponge model role.
• SpongeBob: Well, want is a strong word. I'd like an audition but if you've already cast it that's fine, have you cast it? I think she's already cast it, we'd better go, Patrick.
• Receptionist: Hold it, you want the audition, kid? You got it.
• SpongeBob: I did?
• Receptionist: Show me what you got.
• SpongeBob: OK. Here goes. Patrick, please? (Patrick sounds a tuning fork; SpongeBob clears his throat and starts to sing badly) Sorry.
• Receptionist: OK, OK, OK, let's get on with this trainwreck.
• SpongeBob: OK, getting on it. (Starts to sing again) When you dream upon a wish, you'll be heartened to know that hope fills your dish to the brim.
• Receptionist: All right, all right, thank you, I've heard enough.
• SpongeBob: How'd I do?
• Receptionist: Horribly. I've seen clams with more talent than you. But since the role specifically calls for a real sponge the part is yours. Here's the script, we start shooting tomorrow at 10, don't be late. (SpongeBob grabs the script and runs outside)
• SpongeBob: I guess a sponge can make it in town. I am gonna be a star. (Imagines a crowd of fans and paparazzi)
• Reporter: I'm standing here with the new face of television, Mr. SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm sure the viewing audience would love to know, how does it feel to be the next big thing?
• SpongeBob: Fantastic. (Puts on a pair of sunglasses)
• Crowd: SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob!
• Patrick: SpongeBob! Hey, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob snaps out of his fantasy) You say something?
• SpongeBob: Yes I did, Patrick. I said, you're looking at the new face of television.
• Patrick: All right!
• SpongeBob: Better go home and get some beauty sleep.
• Patrick: Yeah, beauty sleep! (Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking home)
• SpongeBob: That's right, you are looking at a changed sponge! But don't worry, I won't forget all the people who helped me on the way up.
• Mr. Krabs: Afternoon, boyo.
• SpongeBob: Ah, just as I was saying. I'd like to thank you for giving me my humble start. I won't forget you.
• Mr. Krabs: What was that about? Eh, probably just nonsense and babbling as usual.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, when next you see me it shall be on the television. (Goes into his house) (Cut to the next day, where SpongeBob is arriving at the studio)
• Receptionist: Oh, you're back!
• SpongeBob: A star's first day is his most important.
• Receptionist: OK, let me see if they're ready on set. (Talks into her headset) SpongeBob's here, sir. Uh huh. OK, great. (To SpongeBob) OK, you can go right in.
• SpongeBob: (Goes in) I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Director.
• Director: Very well. (Through a megaphone) Lose the pants! (A hook rips SpongeBob's pants off) Hans, here is my star! (A real life hand picks SpongeBob up)
• SpongeBob: What's happening? W-w-what's happening?
• Director: In this scene you will be cleaning bathroom fixtures.
• SpongeBob: OK, so where's my cleaning utensil?
• Director: Don't you get it? You ARE the cleaning utentil! Roll speed!
• Fish: New sponge commercial, take one. (Shows clapperboard)
• Director: Action!
• Narrator: Oh no, your bathroom is a disaster. Get it cleaned up fast with the new sponge! (SpongeBob whimpers) Household chores are a snap with new sponge. (Hans dips SpongeBob into a bucket and squeezes) It cleans sinks. (Hans uses SpongeBob to clean things) Just look at that shine! New sponge cuts through even the toughest grime and grit. New sponge also cleans showers. Ha ha, that tile looks good as new! But best of all, new sponge can make any toilet sparkle.
• SpongeBob: Nooooo! (Refuses to go into the toilet) I can't do this!
• Director: Cut!
• SpongeBob: I'm sorry, I don't think I'm cut out for acting.
• Director: What? You said you were a professional actor.
• SpongeBob: Well, I'm not. I am a fry cook. (Puts his work hat on) That's what I am. (Takes out a spatula) And that's what I've always been. I'm sorry to waste your time, mister. (Leaves)
• Director: Wait! Waaaait! (Cut to Mr. Krabs making a house of cards out of money)
• Mr. Krabs: Ever so gently … (SpongeBob bursts in)
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! (Cries) Please take me back! Please! I promise I'll do better! Please!
• Mr. Krabs: Boy, what are you going on about?
• SpongeBob: I heard you on the phone saying you were going to let the little guy go. But I don't want to go! Please don't let me go, Mr. Krabs. You're looking at a little guy that doesn't want to go!
• Mr. Krabs: All right, boyo, I won't get rid of you. On one condition … (Cut to SpongeBob cleaning a toilet)
• SpongeBob: Oh, boy! This is the best job in the world.
• Hans: (In the next cubicle) Hey, would you keep it down in there? I'm trying to concentrate.