SpongeBob: I lost something once. I lost something I couldn't live without-- my identity.
Ted: So, anyway, thanks for the pen.
Waitress: No problem, hon.
SpongeBob:[walking on the counter] It all started last week-- Monday morning to be exact-- the day I lost my identity.
[Ted looks at his watch.]
Ted:[Whispers] I've gotta go. [flashback to Monday morning where SpongeBob is sleeping until his alarm goes off]
SpongeBob:[jumps up and throws his blanket in the air] Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it. [his blanket lands on his head and he struggles to get it off] Awk! Gary, help! I can't see. Gary! [SpongeBob puts his foot on the floor to feel around for Gary] Gary, are you there? [falls on his face. His alarm falls on his head] Ow! [stands up] Gary? Gary, buddy? I need you to be my eyes, okay? Am I near the bathroom? [shrieks as he falls down the staircase. When he falls into the living room, his alarm clock spits him out] Gary? Gary? [hits one of his windows] Gar? [slides off the window]
SpongeBob: Gary. Now that my horrific incident of terror is over, how about some breakfast? [grabs a can of snail food then sings and dances] The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way-- pop! [pours the can into Gary's bowl] Enjoy, buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years, and I don't even know what it tastes like. [sticks out his tongue and tastes the snail food but finds it disgusting, sound echoes from his pineapple house] Bleah! [sound echoes through the streets] Bleah! [sound echoes to the Snail Po headquarters] Bleah!
Sadie: What is it, Peterson?
Peterson: I'm not sure. I feel... a disturbance. [cuts back to SpongeBob's house where he is carrying his pants on a hanger]
SpongeBob: That was the worst thing I've ever tasted. Oh well, at least I'll never have to do it again. [looks at his watch] Barnacles! All these shenanigans made me late for work. [puts his pants on the wrong way] Uh oh. [puts his pants on the right way] All right! [walks out the door and past Patrick]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hi Patrick! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashback to the present at the Diner]
Waitress: Wait a minute. When exactly did you lose your identity?
Ted: Yeah, and who's Patrick?
Diner Chef: And why did you eat Snail-Po?
SpongeBob: Ah, ah, ah, patience, good people. A great story can't be rushed. However, I will skip ahead to the Krusty Krab. [cut to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob opens the door with a food tray in his hand] Order up! [walks to the customer] One Krabby Patty grilled with the fiery warmth of my beating heart. Enjoy.
Customer: Thanks, uh... [looks closely at his shirt] Oh.
SpongeBob: Is there a problem?
Customer: Well, you really should be wearing a name tag so I can thank you properly.
SpongeBob:[laughs] While it is against my philosophy to disagree with the customer, I must point out that I am in fact wearing a name tag, right here. [points to an empty spot on his shirt where his name tag should be] Huh? [gasps over and over after he finds out he's not wearing a name tag. Squidward walks up to him]
Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, it's terrible! It's the most terrible thing that's ever happened to me. I lost my name tag. Pourquoi!
Squidward: SpongeBob, take it easy! I'm sure you can get a new one.
SpongeBob: But I don't want a new one, Squidward. My name tag is out there somewhere. Lost... Hungry... Who will help it? What if someone's using it? [SpongeBob imagines a quiet bank and a bank robber bursting in wearing a mask over his head and SpongeBob's name tag]
Bank Robber: Alright! Nobody move! This is a bank robbery! Attica! [cuts back to SpongeBob who hyperventilates in fear]
SpongeBob: I'm innocent, I tell ya! [faints then awakens and walks over to Squidward] Squidward, what happened?
Squidward: Hmm? Oh, you fainted because you lost your name tag or something.
SpongeBob: Huh? [hyperventilates again]
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you get a hold of yourself? Since when is losing your name tag the end of the world? [Mr. Krabs comes out of his office]
Mr. Krabs: Attention, all employees! Just a quick heads-up, boys. There's going to be a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Anyone who doesn't pass gets the boot! [SpongeBob and Squidward stare at Mr. Krabs, who pulls out a big, black boot] This boot, to be exact. It's very stinky, and you'll have to wear it all day. See you in an hour. [SpongeBob starts gasping again]
Squidward: SpongeBob, if you really want to find your name tag, just retrace your steps.
SpongeBob: Retrace my steps? Squidward, you're a genius.
Squidward:[flattered] Huh. Huh. A genius? Well, I don't know about that, but...
SpongeBob:[walks off] Cover me till I get back, okay?
Squidward: Oh, sure, sure. [chuckles] A genius? Well, how about... Hey! [cuts to SpongeBob walking down the road]
SpongeBob: Let's see, if I'm going to retrace my steps, I got to remember everything I did this morning. [walks by Patrick]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Oh, hi Patrick. [runs back to Patrick] You said hi to me this morning, right?
Patrick: As I do every morning.
SpongeBob: Well, I need you to do it again.
Patrick: That wasn't part of the deal, SquarePants!
SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you talking about?
Patrick: My hellos aren't just some tape recording that you can rewind and play over and over. They're special!
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is an emergency! I lost my name tag this morning, and I need to retrace my steps.
Patrick: You lost your name tag? [hyperventilates like SpongeBob does. Scene cuts to SpongeBob poking his head out his window and Patrick standing outside his house]
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, you know the plan, right?
Patrick: I got it, I got it. You're gonna retrace your steps and when you walk by me I say "hi", just like this morning.
SpongeBob: Perfect. Hmm, I guess I should start with when I woke up. [climbs in bed] I sure hope this works. [pretends to go to sleep then jumps up] Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it! [blanket falls on his head which causes him to fall and his alarm clock to fall on him again] So far, so good. [falls down the staircase and lands in his living room. The alarm clock shoots him out] I don't see my name tag up here. [smacks into his window then slides off of it to Gary] Now that my horrific moment of terror is over, how about some breakfast? [grabs a can of Snail-Po and sings] The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way. [pours the food into Gary's bowl, then tastes it] Bleah! Okay, next I just have to walk outside and say hi to Patrick. [walks by Patrick, outside, but he doesn't say anything] Patrick!
SpongeBob: You were supposed to say hi to me.
SpongeBob: Oh. All right, let's take it from the top. [walks off]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Don't forget your line this time!
Patrick: I won't.
SpongeBob: Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it. [falls down the staircase] The most important meal of the day. La-la-la... Gary's way. Bleah. [walks by Patrick who, again, says nothing] Patrick, why didn't you say hi to me?
Patrick: What's my motivation?
SpongeBob: Forget the motivation. Just say hi. [walks off. Cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again. Then walks by Patrick]
Patrick: Hi, Patrick! Oh wait, I'm Patrick! I'm sorry. Sorry. [laughs] I'm sorry. Let's try it again. [cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again. Then walks outside past Patrick] Hi, SpongeBoob! Ha! SpongeBoob! I sai... I sai... [laughs] Who's SpongeBoob? I said SpongeBoob! Again, again. Sorry people. [cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again. Then he walks outside by Patrick, who is trying not to laugh] I've got the giggles.
SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use? I'll never find my name tag in time for inspection.
Patrick: Well, what did you do after I said hi to you this morning?
SpongeBob: Hmm, let's see. [imagines what he did today in his thought bubble] I skipped merrily to the Krusty Krab, said hello to Old Man Jenkins, placed an apple on Mr. Krabs' desk... and that's about it. Oh, and these two guys threw me in the dumpster. [cuts to SpongeBob being thrown into a dumpster by the Krusty Krab. He laughs] Good one, guys! [tries getting up but slips into the garbage again]
Patrick: That's it! Your name tag is in the apple on Mr. Krabs' desk!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're a genius. Oh wait, he's probably thrown it away by now.
Patrick: Well, then we'll look in the dumpster! [cuts to the dumpster outside the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Eh, what is that stench?
Patrick: That is the stench of discovery. Come on, buddy. I'll give you a boost. [gets on all fours] Hop on, pal.
SpongeBob:[jumps in the dumpster] Hey, it's not so bad once you get used to it.
Patrick: I wish I had a nose.
SpongeBob: Come on in, buddy. The garbage is fine.
Patrick: Cannonball! [does a cannonball]
SpongeBob: You look over there and I'll look over here.
Patrick: Okay. [digs through the trash while throwing some on SpongeBob]
Patrick: I'm looking. I'm looking.
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick: I'm looking as fast as I can.
SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick stops and turns around to see SpongeBob covered in garbage] Thank you. [Patrick pulls trash off of SpongeBob]
Patrick: Here, let me get that. Hey, look! A Stingray 5000 single. Hey, these guys rock. Why would anybody throw this away?
SpongeBob: Have you forgotten what we're looking for knee-deep in yesterday's Top 40 songs?
SpongeBob: I'll give you a hint. Two words. First word: my. Second word: name tag.
Patrick: Could I have another hint?
SpongeBob: Patrick, I would love to sit here and play Twenty Questions with you, but I've only got [looks at his watch] one minute till inspection. [screams] One minute?! [digs quicker] Hurry, Patrick, we don't have much time.
Patrick:[notices a name tag on the back of SpongeBob's shirt] Hey, SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick.
Patrick: I know where your name tag is. [SpongeBob turns around]
SpongeBob: Where?! Where?!
Patrick: Uh... I can't remember.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't have time for this! [turns back around]
Patrick: There it is!
Patrick: Uh... I forgot again.
SpongeBob: Patrick, are you with me or against me?
Patrick: Could you give me a hint? [SpongeBob turns back around] There! I see it!
SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah, yeah... the boy who cried name tag. If you're not going to help me, then just go crawl back under your rock.
Patrick:[annoyed] Well, at least I don't wear my shirt backwards.
SpongeBob: My shirt backward... What the...? [bends his head back to his back] My shirt's on backwards! I had my identity all along. [spins his shirt around and looks at his watch] Oh, and just in time. Thanks, Patrick. [shakes hands with Patrick]
Patrick: Don't mention it, buddy. [cuts to the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Fall in for inspection! All right, you two... [inspects Squidward] Hat and uniform seem to be in order. [notices a few hairs in Squidward's nose] Hmm, promise me you'll shave tonight and you pass.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, your turn.
SpongeBob:[salutes] I think you'll find everything shipshape.
Mr. Krabs:[sniffs SpongeBob] Jumpin' jellyfish! What's that stench?
SpongeBob: Uh... discovery? [Mr. Krabs picks up SpongeBob and sets him outside. Flashback ends and cuts back to the diner] And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. [Ted yawns while the waitress checks her watch]
Waitress: Well, you managed to kill eleven minutes.
SpongeBob:[laughs] Thanks, uh... [looks at her name tag] Betty.
Waitress: What? [looks down at her name tag] Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners.