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Mid-Life Crustacean
Season №: 3
Episode №: 55b
Airdate: January 24, 2003
Previous: "The Great Snail Race"
Next: "Born Again Krabs"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mid-Life Crustacean" from season three, which aired on January 24, 2003.

  • [Mr. Krabs wakes up in his hammock in his bedroom. The radio clicks on]
  • Radio DJ: You've got it tuned to K-O-L-D, K-Old, your all-oldies station. Here's a little something you may remember from the good old days.
  • ♪You're old... Groaning like a geezer♪ [Mr. Krabs opens his eyes, which are crusty] ♪Hear yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been♪ [gets out of bed with all his joints cracking when he moves] ♪Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins♪ [looking in his bathroom mirror. He pulls down his shirt to show a bunch of chins] ♪'Cause you're old...♪ [scene cuts to the kitchen. Mr. Krabs sits down at the table as Pearl comes in]
  • Pearl Krabs: Good morning, Daddy! [gives him a kiss] I made you breakfast.
  • Mr. Krabs: Thank you, sweet pea. I see you got creative with the bran today. [looks down at the plate to see his bran shaped as bacon, eggs, juice, and others]
  • Pearl: Open up, it's time for the pill! [Pearl takes out a giant pill]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, barnacles! I hate the pill. [Pearl shoves the giant pill in his mouth and he swallows it] Pearl, do you think I'm... old?
  • Pearl: Well, of course I do! But that's okay. Daddies are supposed to be old.
  • Mr. Krabs: But I'm still cool, right? Your old man is cool?
  • Pearl: See, no one says cool anymore. That's such an old-person thing. Now we say "coral," as in, "That nose job is so coral."
  • Mr. Krabs: Coral, eh?
  • Pearl: Eww, when you say it, it sounds so uncoral.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, what if I said it with a different inflection? Co-ral.
  • Pearl: Don't you have to go to work or something, Dad?
  • Mr. Krabs: Whoop, you're right! [eats his breakfast] Have a coral day, honey!
  • Pearl: [picks up her phone and dials] Jenny? It's Pearl. "Coral" is definitely out. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs walking outside]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ha! Old? What was I thinkin'? I ain't old. Huh? [turns around to see a boy helping him walk across]
  • Boy Scout: Don't worry, Pops, we're almost across the street.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, get away from me. I don't need no snot-nosed little... [as he walks away, his arm comes off. Walks back to get it] Sorry you had to see that. [keeps walking to work where a fish is walking behind him]
  • Harold: Come on, move it! Could you be any slower? And you've had your blinker on for the last five blocks. [Mr. Krabs turns around and notices he has two signals on his behind, the right arrow is blinking, so he covers his behind. He continues to walk until a ball rolls next to him]
  • Tyler: Hey, mister, could you throw the ball back over here?
  • Mr. Krabs: [picks up the ball] Hey, how's about I join you kids?
  • Tyler: Uhh, that's okay. You can keep it. Why do old people always have to ruin the fun? [Mr. Krabs drops the ball. He walks up to a line of elderly fish]
  • Elderly Fish #1: Hey, no cuttin'! You gotta wait your turn in line like everybody else! [Mr. Krabs notices a long line in front of the Bikini Bottom Cemetery]
  • Mr. Krabs: No! No! I ain't old like you! I ain't old! I ain't old! [runs away]
  • Elderly Fish #2: What's his problem? [the line is for ice cream]
  • Lou: Next? [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is sitting a table depressed]
  • Timmy: Mommy, my Krabby Patty tastes funny.
  • Mother: Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out. Like that man right there. [points to Mr. Krabs] Now put that thing where it belongs... in the garbage.
  • Timmy: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la...♪ [Timmy walks up to the trashcan but Mr. Krabs grabs his patty before he can get there]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, little patty, we're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster. [takes a bite out of the patty] Hmmm, so that's what I taste like.
  • Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew! [SpongeBob pokes his head out of the kitchen window]
  • SpongeBob: [shouts] Hey Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?
  • Patrick: [shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
  • SpongeBob: Are you ready to go crazy?
  • Patrick: I'm already hearing voices!
  • SpongeBob: Are you ready to—
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! Patrick! Do you mind?!
  • SpongeBob: Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick. I think some people are eavesdropping!
  • Patrick: Well, how rude of some people!
  • Mr. Krabs: Hmmm, those youngsters are going out for a big night on the town. [stretches his eyes into the kitchen where SpongeBob & Patrick are talking]
  • SpongeBob: Whoo! I've been looking forward to this night all week!
  • Patrick: Party!
  • SpongeBob: What do you think we should do first?
  • Patrick: What shouldn't we do first? We're young, [Mr. Krabs' eyes move a little closer] we've got wheels, [Mr. Krabs' eyes move closer] the world is our oyster! SpongeBob, you got something on your shoulder. [SpongeBob notices Mr. Krabs' eyes are on his shoulders]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys, hangin' out?
  • Patrick: [looks at his belly] Yes.
  • Mr. Krabs: I couldn't help overhearing your big plans. And I was wondering if you had room for one more craaaaazy dude tonight, huh?
  • SpongeBob: Of course. Did you wanna come with us, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, hadn't even crossed me mind. But, sure, I'll go!
  • Patrick: I don't know, SpongeBob. He might cramp our style.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [appears in a picture with a goofy look on them] Style!
  • Patrick: Let's see if he knows the secret cool-guy handshake. [holds out his hand]
  • Mr. Krabs: Uhh, yeah, course I know it! [begins to sweat] Uhh... uhh...
  • Patrick: I'm waiting... old man.
  • Mr. Krabs: [shakes Patrick's hand] Uhh... how do you do?
  • Patrick: Fine, and you? All right, you're in. But I'm not happy about it.
  • SpongeBob: You passed the test, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: Great! Why don't you boys show up at my house at eight o'clock?
  • SpongeBob: I just want to warn you, Mr. Krabs. We're always fashionably late.
  • French Narrator: 8:01 PM. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' house. The doorbell rings]
  • SpongeBob: Hey there, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready to party?
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
  • Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Patrick?
  • Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to par- [Pearl runs by them]
  • Pearl: Stop it, just stop it! You're embarrassing me, Dad! [sobbing]
  • Mr. Krabs: So, what kind of hot rod will we be cruising in tonight?
  • SpongeBob: Only the most powerful chick magnet in town. The Underwater Heartbreaker. [we see a bike with two streamers on each handle]
  • Mr. Krabs: It's more like a chick repellent. And there's only two seats.
  • SpongeBob: Calm your waters, Mr. Krabs. I modified this little baby myself. [scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick riding at the front of the bike while Mr. Krabs is in a wagon behind them]
  • Mr. Krabs: Are you sure this is what the kids are driving these days?
  • SpongeBob: Only the cool kids. [a hot rod, driven by a young teen, pulls up beside them]
  • Driver: Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Drive is around the corner!
  • SpongeBob: We're not lost, I've got my compass. [shows him the compass]
  • Driver: So long, dorks! [speeds away]
  • SpongeBob: Goodbye, pals!
  • Mr. Krabs: We used to beat people up for saying things like that! Everything's all topsy-turvy now. [they pull up to 'The Wash']
  • SpongeBob: Here we are: The Wash.
  • Mr. Krabs: They sure are giving these clubs some crazy names! I have to tell you boys... I'm a little nervous. I haven't been, you know, on the scene for quite a while now.
  • SpongeBob: Just follow our lead, Mr. Krabs. And, above all, keep it cool.
  • Mr. Krabs: Cool. Gotcha. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk away jumping up and down in a goofy way. Mr. Krabs does the same]
  • SpongeBob: [opens door] Hello, gang! SpongeBob's back!
  • Patrick: Let's party!
  • Mr. Krabs: Any port in the store—! wait a minute. This is a Laundromat. [scene shows the entire room is a place to do your laundry]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [all three looking at their reflections in the washer] Oh yeah, whoo! That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah! Yeah, the colors! whoo! [washer stops]
  • SpongeBob: You guys want another rinse cycle? I'm buying.
  • Mr. Krabs: You know, I love staring at delicates as much as the next guy, but it's just that I thought we'd see more of the nightlife. Something that'll give you that wild and crazy hot-blooded feeling, if you know what I mean.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is only stop numero uno on our night of debauchery!
  • Patrick: Debauchery!
  • Mr. Krabs: Debauchery! [scene cuts to the road where all three are picking up trash] Debauchery? I never thought of picking up trash under the highway as hot-blooded, but if it's what the kids are into...
  • SpongeBob: So, are you feeling that wild and crazy feeling, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Not yet.
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, you will. [scene cuts to all three in a kiddie swimming pool] Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm feeling a warm spot.
  • Patrick: Sorry. [scene cuts to them riding kiddie rides outside Barg'n Mart]
  • SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it?
  • Patrick: I'm feeling it, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a ride. [Patrick is riding on Harold's back]
  • Harold: Get off of me! [scene cuts to them getting their teeth pulled]
  • SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to them redoing a roof] Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to them dressed in costumes playing Dungeons and Dragons] Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to the library] Can you feel it now, Mr. Krabs?
  • Miss Shell: Shh! [scene cuts to a place called "Bunny Buns," an area for kids to play in]
  • SpongeBob: How about now? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? [kids in the room around running around Mr. Krabs, hanging on his hat streamers. Mr. Krabs has clown make-up on his face]
  • Kids: Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: So, you wanna know if I can feel it?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: Do you really wanna know if I can feel it?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah, yeah!
  • Mr. Krabs: Because I can feel it. You wanna know what I'm feelin'?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yes!
  • Mr. Krabs: [angry] I'm feelin' like a total barnacle head! [swings the screaming kids around and around then off his hat] You think this is cool?! [jumps on a bunny and punches its head off] How about this! [jumps on top of the bunny] And this? Am I with it now? [runs up to SpongeBob and Patrick] You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the end! I'm going home. You guys ain't cool. You're lame!
  • SpongeBob: [sadly] Lame?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Lame! You're nerds! Geeks! Creeps! And babies!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Not 'babies!' [both suck their thumbs]
  • Mr. Krabs: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night! So good night to you!
  • Patrick: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
  • Mr. Krabs: The what?
  • Patrick: I said, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
  • Mr. Krabs: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? Girl girls?
  • Patrick: Yeah.
  • Mr. Krabs: And you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right?
  • Patrick: Oh, yeah.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two being lame!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [happy] Not lame! [scene cuts to the three of them carrying a ladder]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now this is more like it! [lean the ladder against a house]
  • Patrick: Give us some credit, old man. We're panty professionals! [climbs the ladder]
  • SpongeBob: We score here all the time. [all three tiptoe into a bedroom. Mr. Krabs opens a drawer and takes out a pair of panties]
  • Mr. Krabs: Frilly things! We hit the jackpot! [everyone jumps up and down]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [holds up the pair of underwear he got] You finally came through for me, boys! I feel young again! [light turns on]
  • Mama Krabs: Eugene?
  • Mr. Krabs: Mother?
  • Mama Krabs: What are you doing with my bloomers?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, I, uhh, uhh, heh, hehe... [turns around to SpongeBob and Patrick] Why didn't you tell me this was my mother's house?!
  • SpongeBob: Why didn't you ask? [both run away. Mr. Krabs turns around to his mother smiling]
  • Mr. Krabs: But it was all SpongeBob and Patrick's idea!
  • Mama Krabs: Go to your room, mister. You're grounded for the rest of the night!
  • Mr. Krabs: [walks away] Yes, Mommy. [boy scout from earlier is walking with Mr. Krabs]
  • Boyscout: Don't worry, Pops. We're almost to your room. [Mr. Krabs groans. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' bedroom. SpongeBob peeks through the window]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: [sighs] That's all right, lad. I certainly feel younger. [scene zooms out revealing Mr. Krabs is sitting in his racecar-shaped bed]
  • SpongeBob: Good night, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Good night, SpongeBob.
  • Mama Krabs: Eugene, lights out!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy. [light turns off]

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