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Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob
Season №: 5
Episode №: 94b
Airdate: August 3, 2007
Previous: "Blackened Sponge"
Next: "The Inmates of Summer"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob" from season five, which aired on August 3, 2007.

  • [The whirlpool beginning of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy show sequence is shown. First, a slide reading "The Further Adventures of. Next, a slide saying "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy" and the Action Narrator begins.]
  • Narrator: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy [The scene changes to show Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in chains] have been captured by the evil Man Ray. [The scene pans out and Man Ray laughs] ...[The image changes to shown Man Ray holding up a feather] Tickled to the point of wetting themselves [The image changes to shown Mermaid man and Barnacle boy in the chains. A drip sound is heard] [The image changes to show Man Ray pushing a leaver] and sent on a conveyor belt of doom... [The image changes to show Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chained up and heading to the saws at the end of the conveyor belt. Man Ray laughs (the laughter is covered up by the Narrator)] To their watery grave.
  • [The images changes to shown just Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in chains heading down the conveyor belt]
  • Mermaid Man: We cannot escape, Barnacle Boy. He's too strong. Like the unbeatable taste of a Krusty Kids meal. [Mermaid Man lifts up the meal] [The image changes to show Man Ray maniacally laughing. His maniacal laughter stops]
  • Man Ray: The delicious new treat no mortal can resist?
  • [The image changes to show Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy heading down the Conveyor belt]
  • Barnacle Boy: Yup.
  • Man Ray: [Walks onscreen] Ooh, I just love the little pip-squeak patty, [He lifts up the box] small fries, and cold juice product.
  • Narrator: Of course you do, Man Ray. [The scene changes back to the whirlpool beginning where "KK" can be read. It then goes away and shows the Krabby Kids Meal Box, fries in a container that reads "KK," the Krabby Patty, and a juice box that reads "100% Juice"] [Off-Screen Children saying "Yay"] Everyone loves the new Krusty Kids Meal. [The scene pans out and shows a Mermaid Man Action figure. the background light is turned off to show the toy in the spotlight.] And for a limited time, [Off-Screen Someone says "ooh"] get your free toy inside.
  • [The Scene changes back to Man Ray in chains and holding the Krabby Kids Meal Box and a Krabby Patty. The scene pans out to show Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy on both sides of him]
  • Man Ray: How can I be evil with flavors this good?
  • [Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, and Man Ray laugh as the words "Only at the Krusty Krab" appear on screen] [The scene changes to show Plankton at the Chum Bucket watching the commercial on the TV setting of Karen]
  • Plankton: Krabs calls that a commercial? Who'd fall for that schlock? [He walks to over to where his periscope is and pulls it down] Say...[The scene changes to show the exterior of the Krusty Krab full of fish] Something is going on over there.
  • [The scene pans in to the interior of the Krusty Krab where a bunch of kids are having fun and playing in the Krusty Krab while watching Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy on a big screen] [The image changes to Squidward in a superhero-like costume holding a plate with 6 Kids Meals.]
  • Squidward: The Krusty Krab welcomes... [reads the card in his hand] the Tarpon twins' birthday party. Here are your Krabby Kids Meals. [all the kids dive in and take Squidward with them]
  • Plankton: [The scene returns to the Chum Bucket and Plankton still looking through his periscope] Never trust kids, Squidward. Never trust kids.
  • Mr. Krabs: [The scene goes back to the Krusty Krab where it shows SpongeBob in a Superhero-like costume (not his Mermaid Man Costume) at the register and Mr. Krabs holding a bag of Money] Gotta hand it to ya, boy. [The image changes to just show Mr. Krabs with the money] Gettin' Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy to shoot for me restaurant was a stroke of genius.
  • SpongeBob: [The images changes back to show both of them. Mr. Krabs walks away.] All in the line of duty, Mr. Krabs. [Squidward crawls over to the register with a torn uniform. He is groaning] Isn't it great, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Great? [He looks and points in the opposite direction of SpongeBob] Those little savages tried to kill me.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, but it's so worth it when you get to work in these. [shows his uniform which consists of red underwear and a disguise mask around his eyes, and you hear a five-note poorly played trumpet fanfare]
  • Plankton: [The scene returns to the Chum Bucket and Plankton still looking through his periscope] Stupid kid. Wait a minute, what's this? [The scene returns to the Krusty Krab where it shows Karen and Mr. Krabs talking and laughing (Plankton's voice is blocking what they say)] Karen? [The image changes to show (through the Krusty Krab window) the exterior of the Chum Bucket with Plankton's Periscope, which shows his eye] My own wife?! [The scene changes to show Plankton inside the chum bucket; the door is also shown] Oh, how Krabs mocks me. [He pushes his periscope back up]
  • Karen: [opens doors to Chum Bucket] Hi, honey.
  • Plankton: [He turns around] What's that? A souvenir from your boyfriend Krabs?
  • Karen: [The image changes to show Karen's face] Oh, pipe down. I just went to get you this [The image changes to show [Plankton looking mad and Karen's hand putting down the Kids Meal box] happy hero box.
  • Plankton: Wha...?! [jumps on top of the box] Thanks, babe. You're too good to me. [opens the box and gasps] A Mermaid Man action figure...And a Barnacle Boy eraser?! [Jumps down and plays with the toys] Look at me. I'm Barnacle Boy. Look at me. I'm Mermaid Man. [The scene pans out to show Mr. Krabs on the box] Krabs! [hits the side of the box with Krabs' picture on it with his new toys while laughing. He jumps on top of the box and continues to laugh. He jumps off of it. The crushed box is shown.] Sure! Why didn't I think of this before? If Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy can build Krabs up, they can tear him down, too. [maniacal laughter. The scene changes to show the exterior of Shady Shoals Rest Home. Snoring can be heard. The scene changes to show the bottom of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's room door. The snoring continues] Ding dong. [door opens. Plankton is wearing a plaid, yellow shirt, a red bow tie, and a boater hat with a yellow stripe] Hello, boys. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are the ones snoring, they wake up]
  • Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: What? What? What?
  • Plankton: I'm Down Here, Fellas!
  • Mermaid Man: Who are you?
  • Plankton: [Hops onto Mermaid Man's foot] Oh, Professor Plankton, Door-to-door salesman. [gets out a card] My card.
  • Mermaid Man: [takes card and reads it] "Professor Plankton's Personal Products?"
  • Plankton: Say, you two look like a couple of ladies' men, am I right? [An ugly image of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is seen. A scream and glass breaking can be heard.] I knew it! Just look at that heroic chin. [Barnacle Boy's chin has zits and bumps in it and you hear a horse neigh] Those chiseled features. [Mermaid Man's ears has hair growing out of it and zits all over and you hear a monkey scream] That bra. [An elephant is heard. He then jumps to his neck.] But what's this? Dandruff?
  • Mermaid Man: I've got dandruff?
  • Plankton: You sure do. [pours laundry soap around his neck] See?
  • Mermaid Man: Oh, my! [looks at soap]
  • Plankton: [He goes over to Barnacle Boy's head and lifts up Barnacle Boy's hat but sees there is real dandruff under there. The scene zooms in and shows the dandruff in more detail and snow bells jingling is heard] Ew! [He then moves back to Mermaid Man's foot] Couple of studs like you can't go around like this. Lucky for you, Dr. Plankton's come prepared with "Plankton's Dandruff Control Shampoo". A little of this stuff and the ladies will be breakin' down your door.
  • Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: [Barnacle Boy pulls a lever which moves their couch back until it is flat] Sign us up, Professor.
  • Plankton: [He moves to the now-flat back of the couch between both Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy] Wise decision, gentlemen. [rubs the shampoo into both of their scalps while humming happily] Hey, what do we have here? You fellas look a little peaked. [both are now under Plankton's control] Hmm, this shouldn't be. I wonder. [tears off the dandruff tag a little on the shampoo bottle] Say, this isn't Professor Plankton's Dandruff Control Shampoo! It's Professor Plankton's [Pulls of the rest of the tag] Mind Control Shampoo! [laughs] With conditioner. Time to prepare for your next role, fellas, as my zombies! [laughs. The scene changes, through a card that says "Wipe!", to the Krusty Krab where there is a gigantic line outside and giant Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy balloons above the building]
  • Kids: [chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!...
  • Mr. Krabs: Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: [He jogs over] Yes, sir.
  • Mr. Krabs: Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!
  • SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]
  • Mr. Krabs: [Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back!
  • [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]
  • SpongeBob: [He goes over to the receptionist] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, please. And I'm kind of in a hurry. [The receptionist shrieks and ducks as a chair is thrown and breaks above him. While waiting, SpongeBob whistle-sings a song] Doot, do, doot-do, doot... [Mermaid Man taps him on the shoulder. SpongeBob gasps then shrieks. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy growl at him while under Plankton's control] Oh, my gosh. You guys live in a dump! But we don't have time for that right now. We gotta get you back to the Krusty Krab for your special appearance. I'll take ya. [Mermaid Man takes SpongeBob's hand and does the Spine Blaster on him while he grunts.] Wow! I haven't seen you do the Spine Blaster since... [Mermaid Man does Spine Blaster on SpongeBob again and he again grunts.] ...since episode 647. [Mermaid Man does the Spine Blaster on SpongeBob once again and he still grunts] When you blasted that guy's spine. [He whimpers while getting up] You still got it. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy drag SpongeBob off. The scene changes to the Krusty Krab]
  • Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here, live at the Krusty Krab. We're just moments away from an important press conference with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. I have with me here Eugene Krabs, owner of the restaurant. Any thoughts, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: [muttering gibberish because of all the money in his pocket]
  • Perch: [chuckles] Oh, okay. We'll come back to you later. [SpongeBob comes crashing down through the ceiling]
  • SpongeBob: Ladies and gentlemen, I present Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy crash through the side of the Krusty Krab. All the kids break through the ballroom cage and run up to their heroes cheering. But Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy throw them aside and go up to the press conference booths while the cameras flash. They growl.]
  • Plankton: [hiding in Mermaid Man's right ear] Oh, boy! Everyone in Bikini Bottom showed up! This is gonna be so sweet. [maniacal laughter]
  • Perch: Mermaid Man, [Clearly and slower than normal.] what is your opinion of the Krabby Patty?
  • Plankton: Ooh! This is too easy. Now just tell everyone that... [whispers into his ear]
  • Mermaid Man: I, Mermaid Man, think that Krabby Patties are, uh... uh, what?
  • Plankton: They're terrible! You hate Krabby Patties.
  • Mermaid Man: I'm late for "Snappy Pabbies?" Barnacle Boy, [He Slaps him which makes him come out of the trance] we're late for... [snores]
  • Plankton: Oh, for crying out loud! [walks up to his ear drum] Tell them you hate Krabby Patties! [Mermaid Man snores then exhales. Plankton gets frustrated and goes through the ear canal]
  • Mermaid Man: Wha?...
  • SpongeBob: [Off-Screen] Mermaid Man. [now on-screen, whispering] I brought you something to refresh your memory. [He pulls out a Krabby Patty]
  • Mermaid Man: [Off-Screen] Ooh, a Krabby Patty! [now on-screen, he takes the Krabby Patty from SpongeBob.] Would you look at that? [He moves back to Barnacle Boy] Barnacle Boy, it's a Krabby Patty. Why, these things are... [becomes under the mind control again] ...evil!
  • [everyone gasps. SpongeBob Screams]
  • Frank: Susie, no! [slaps her patty away]
  • [Barnacle Boy is also somehow now under the mind control]
  • Mermaid Man: I hate these nasty things, [spits on it, SpongeBob becomes broken and cracks into pieces]. And furthermore...
  • Plankton: [talks through a microphone inside Mermaid Man] ...let it be known that I, Mermaid Man prefer the delicious food available at the Chum Bucket.
  • Mermaid Man: Your new favorite restaurant!
  • [The Crowd gasps]
  • SpongeBob: The Chum Bucket?!! Plankton must be behind this.
  • Plankton: Yes. Yes! [He is shown in the pupil of Mermaid Man] It's working. [Laughs. The crowd is mumbling disgustedly and exit the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: Hold it right there! You forgot your...Krabby Patties!
  • Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: [They get out of the mind control and drool] Krabby Patties. Krabby Patties!
  • Plankton: Oh, no. Those infernal Krabby Patties. Their grease-fried deliciousness could be enough to free Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. [Plankton turns a switch to slap Mermaid Man from eating a Krabby Patty. They return back to being under the mind control. Plankton makes Mermaid Man throw one away and then stomp on the one that Barnacle Boy had. Then they walk out and walk past SpongeBob, knocking him over. They are stopped by SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Not so fast! You're not dealing with an ordinary fry cook! It's time for you to meet... [throws an exploding capsule on the ground] Fry Boy, Defender of... Ow! [notices his that his outfit hasn't changed, so, he uses another exploding capsule to put on another outfit] Fry Boy... [ He is now wearing a superhero costume that features two Krabby Patties, two Spatulas, and a cape. His voice becomes deep and he has a large chin.] ...Defender of the Krabby Patty! [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy growl and run after SpongeBob. SpongeBob throws the patties up into the air and hits them with his spatulas sending them to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy but the heroes duck. SpongeBob jumps. The heroes continue to run. SpongeBob stretches his arms around some coral and sends the heroes back towards him. He trips them into the ground and eating a Krabby Patty] Yes! You lose, Plankton! Now watch as the Krabby Patties' wholesome flavors work their magic! [nothing happens so Plankton sends the heroes over to the Chum Bucket]
  • Plankton: I did it! I did it! Look at all these customers. [evil laugh] In your face, Krabs. Yes!
  • Harold: So, uh, where's the food?
  • Plankton: [laughs evil. Gasps] Food? Oh, yeah. Never thought I'd get this far. [goes into the kitchen]
  • [The Scene changes to show SpongeBob still stomped in the ground]
  • SpongeBob: It doesn't make sense. [He pops his head out] They should have been cured once the pureness of the Krabby Patties entered their... That's it! Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are elderly. Their poor aging tummies must be having a hard time digesting the food. I know just what to do! [He exits the hole and runs to the Away. He crashes through the Chum Bucket's wall with a "fiber" truck and pours fiber into the heroes mouths. Their stomachs digest the food and they go return to their normal selves.]
  • Mermaid Man: I'm back to my old self again! Thanks to you, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: And the delicious power of Krabby Patties. [He looks at the "camera" almost like it is a commercial.]
  • Mermaid Man: Say, I could use a couple more of those, and an order of Krabby Fries.
  • Barnacle Boy: [walks out of the bathroom] And a decent latrine.
  • SpongeBob: Well, then, you guys know where to go!
  • SpongeBob, Mermaid Man, & Barnacle Boy: To the Krusty Krab! Away! [everyone goes over to the Krusty Krab]
  • Plankton: Hey, everyone, I made Chummy Joes![Plankton screams as he sees everyone at the Krusty Krab]

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