Narrator: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. In a familiar restaurant, in a familiar part of town, a call goes out in frustration.
Frank: Will you hurry up?
Narrator: A call that would normally be answered by Bikini Bottom's semi-retired champions. [If] they weren't the ones causing the problem.
Mermaid Man: Let's see...I wanna, no. I wanna, uh, no, uh, hmmm...
Squidward: Sir, will you please order already? You're holding up the line!
SpongeBob:[whispering in Mermaid Man's ear] Psst. Hey, Mermaid Man, get a Krabby Patty.
Mermaid Man: I've made my decision.
Line of Customers: Hooray!
Mermaid Man: One Krabby Patty for me and a Pipsqueak Patty for the boy.
Barnacle Boy: Now, wait just a darn minute.
Line of Customers: Awww!
Barnacle Boy: I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty. I want an adult size Krabby Patty.
Mermaid Man: The Krabby Patty is too big for you. You'll never finish it.
Barnacle Boy: Don't you see what you're doing. You're treating me like a child.
Mr. Krabs: The boys eyes are bigger than his stomach. [laughs]
Barnacle Boy: And that's another thing, I'm not a boy! I'm so old I got hairs growing out of the wrinkles in my liver spots. [shows a hair popping out]
Squidward:[snickering] One Pipsqueak patty and your bib and highchair.
Barnacle Boy: I'm 68 years old and I want a Krabby Patty!
Mermaid Man: Your Pipsqueak is getting cold. Shall I feed you?
Barnacle Boy: Feed this, old man! [slaps the Krabby Patty out of Mermaid Man's hand]
All except MM and BB: Ooooooooh.
Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra! From now on, I want to be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through protecting citizens that don't respect me!
SpongeBob: I respect you, Barnacle Man!
Barnacle Man: That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, man! I... Ohh...forget it, people. If you're not going to give me the respect I want as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is...evil.
Barnacle Man: I am crossing over...to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Why should I waste money lighting the whole store? [villain car comes in]
Dirty Bubble: Did someone say evil?
SpongeBob: Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [BB gets in villain car]
Barnacle Man: Nighty night, you old goat!
Mermaid Man: Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in?
Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your bleak and meaningless lives for this news report. Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and now, playing for the dark side, Barnacle Boy...
Barnacle Man: Barnacle Man!
Realistic Fish Head: ...have been committing a series of crimes in Bikini Bottom. [shows Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and Barnacle Man ding-dong-ditching]
Barnacle Man: Shh!
Citizen:[opens door] I'll get you crazy kids.
Realistic Fish Head: These three have named their new alliance: Every Villain Is Lemons, also known as E.V.I.L.! What can we do? When will this crime wave end? How will we defeat the evil? Why am I asking [you] all these questions? Mermaid Man, where are you? [Mr. Krabs slaps MM again]
Mermaid Man: Huh? I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. Mmm. [MM takes a bite but explodes then E.V.I.L. is shown as ice cream men] It goes right through me every time.
Barnacle Man: You might as well give up, Mermaid Man, because there are three of us and only one of you. You don't stand a chance.
SpongeBob: Are you okay, Mermaid Man? Oh, how are you going to beat those three guys all by yourself?
Mermaid Man: You're right. I give up.
SpongeBob: You can't give up. What if we help you?
Mermaid Man: No, no, that's a terrible idea. But what if you help me?
Mermaid Man: Who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Sandy: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes, you do! No world means no money! Now, go save the world, or you're fired! [Squidward grumbles]
Mermaid Man: Then it's settled! To the Mermalair!
SpongeBob: Wow! The Mermalair!
Mermaid Man: These costumes belonged to the original International Justice League of Super Acquaintances!
SpongeBob: Wow! The I.J.L.S.A. were the most heroic heroes ever! And you had the best lunch box, too.
Mermaid Man: Once you put on these costumes, their fantastic powers will become yours.
Sandy: Wow! I didn't think super powers worked that way.
Mermaid Man: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.
Narrator:[SpongeBob is running at lightning fast speed in his costume] The Quickster...with the ability to run really...quick!
SpongeBob: Want to see me run to that mountain and back? [doesn't move] Want to see me do it again?
Narrator:[Squidward is wearing his costume] Captain Magma...get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
Squidward: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out, licks his hand, then puts his thumb on his rear, while making a sizzling sound]
Narrator: The Elastic Waistband...able to stretch his body into fantastic shapes and forms! [Patrick, in his costume, stretches his whole body really long]
Patrick: I can finally touch my toes! [stretches his toes over the back of his body and to his hands]
Narrator: And Miss Appear...now you see her... [Sandy disappears in her costume] ...now you don't.
Sandy: Does this outfit make me look fat?
Narrator: The International Justice League of Super Acquaintances! A subsidiary of Viacom.
Mermaid Man: So, it's settled then. We'll get one cheese pizza, one with pepperoni and mushrooms, and one with olives.
Chief: Super Acquaintances, we need your help.
SpongeBob: Holy halibut! it's the chief!
Chief: Thank you for the introduction, Quickster, but we all know who I am! More importantly, we've found information on the whereabouts of E.V.I.L.
Patrick: The whose abouts of what?
Sandy: You just tell us where they are, Chief, and we'll hog-tie 'em faster than you can say "Salsa Verde."
Chief: Our sources last found E.V.I.L. harassing teenagers up at "Make Out Reef." You know, Make-Out Reef? [makes out with himself] Whoo hoo hoo!
Mermaid Man: Those fiends! Attacking hormonally stressed-out children!
Squidward: Ah, Make-Out Reef. Good times, good times.
Mermaid Man: To Make-Out Reef, away!
Patrick: Does this mean we're not getting pizza?
John & Nancy: Stop, please!
E.V.I.L.: John and Nancy, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Dirty Bubble: Oh! Shine the flashlight in that car, Man Ray!
Man Ray: Haha, with pleasure! [shines on a guy making out with a pillow]
Sandals: Hey man, that's not cool.
Mermaid Man: Leave those young lovers alone!
Man Ray: Well if it isn't Milk Maid Man! You've saved us the trouble of tracking you down!
Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win! You're outnumbered!
Man Ray: You senile bag of fish paste! There are three of us and only one of you!
SpongeBob:[runs up at super fast speed from behind and stops next to Mermaid Man] Make that two!
Man Ray: The Quickster!
Squidward:[blasts up and flies like a rocket over the villains and joins the two heroes] Three!
Barnacle Man: Captain Magma!
Patrick:[stretches far from behind and joins the three heroes] Four!
Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband!
Sandy:[appears next to the group of heroes] Five!
E.V.I.L.: M-M-Miss Appear!
Mermaid Man: And me makes ten, I think.
Man Ray: Uh-oh
Dirty Bubble: I don't have a good feeling about this.
Barnacle Man: Oh, there goes our toy deal.
Mermaid Man: Super Acquaintances, attack!
Barnacle Man: Oh no, please, mercy!
Squidward: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out onto The Quickster]
SpongeBob: Ah! Ah! Ah! Get it off! [starts running in a circle fast] Get it off! Get it Off! Get it off! Get it off!
Patrick: I'll save you, Quickster, ahh! [stretches his arms to try and save Quickster but ends up getting caught, and flies out with his arms overstretched]
Mermaid Man: I'll cool you off, Quickster, with one of my water balls! [creates a waterball with his hands and concentrates, but throws it at Captain Magma]
Squidward: No, no, I'm NOT the Quickster! I'm Captain Magma! [gets hit. coughs and turns to ash]
Sandy: Well, I guess it's up to me![turns invisible and only her footprints show in the ground] I'll sneak over...unseen...and catch them by surprise. [a boat hits her, sending her off the cliff, while still invisible] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Boom!
SpongeBob: Get it off! Get it off! [eventually stops, but only shown as shoes] Whew...I'm glad that's over!
[villains look at fallen heroes and Mermaid Man falls backward]
Barnacle Man: We did it, we won! This day belongs to E.V.I.L.! You've lost Mermaid Man, and the superhero and super-villain rules say you have to give in to my demands.
Mermaid Man: Okay, what do you want?
Man Ray: World domination! Tell him we want world domination!
Dirty Bubble: And make him eat dirt! Hahaha! [Man Ray stares at him] In addition to the...domination thing.
Barnacle Man: Number one, I want to be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Number two, I want to be called Barnacle Man. And number three...
Man Ray: Come on, world domination!
Barnacle Man: I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty.
Dirty Bubble: Did you hear him say anything about eating dirt?
Barnacle Man: Need a hand, superpal? [both start to get tears in their eyes as they grab and shake hands]
Mermaid Man: Good to have you back on the side of justice, Kyle. Let's go get you that Krabby Patty!
Man Ray: Was that it? Oh, that's sickening.
Dirty Bubble: Oh, this reminds me of the time I went to Cancun with the killer shrimp. Oh, they had these papaya drinks...
Man Ray:[Dirty Bubble continues to waffle] Oh, Neptune, shut up!
Mermaid Man: How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacle Man?
Barnacle Man: Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy laugh, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing, the guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself, he turns around and laughs hysterically]