TV Announcer: Mermaid Man: Fleet and forceful. With the ability to assemble and charge the creatures of the deep.
Mermaid Man: By the power of Neptune!
TV Announcer: Mermaid Man, with his young associate Barnacle Boy, fights for all creatures who live in the sea, against the forces of evil.
Villain:[holds a baby's lollipop and he spots the whirlpool] Oh, no! The Raging Whirlpool. [the whirlpool catches him and the lollipop falls on the baby's tongue]
TV Announcer: Mermaid Man! Champion of the deep.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! Champion of the deep! Woo!
SpongeBob:[dressed up as Mermaid Man] Come, Barnacle Boy. There's evil afoot.
Patrick:[dressed up as Barnacle Boy] Leaping lampreys, Mermaid Man. I'm right behind you.
SpongeBob: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy spot their arch enemy, Reflecto, up to no good.
SpongeBob: You know what this means.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooohh.
SpongeBob: By the power of Neptune. [Patrick bites into the donut]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, unite!
SpongeBob: Creatures of the deep, assemble! [both go into deep thinking] Think... harder... Barnacle Boy. [jellyfish swims by] Here they come. [Squidward blows jellyfish away]
SpongeBob: Blast, Reflecto has become too powerful.
Squidward:[under a tent] What the? Ohh!
SpongeBob: If Reflecto is cut off from sunlight, he becomes weak.
Patrick: Jumping Jellyfish, Mermaid Man. He's destroying the shield!
[Cut to Squidward destroying the tent in a fury]
SpongeBob: Quick, Barnacle Boy, back to the sea cave.
Patrick: Right, Mermaid Man.
Squidward:[runs to the door and he knocks it hard] SpongeBob! SpongeBob, open up!
SpongeBob:[Squidward continues knocking the door] Reflecto has found our secret lab.
Patrick: What would the real Mermaid Man do?
Squidward: Why don't you go ask him yourself?
SpongeBob: Elaborate, you vile fiend.
Squidward: He and Barnacle Boy live in the retirement home on the other side of town.
SpongeBob: Hmm, they must be working undercover.
Squidward: Yeah... now please leave me alone.
SpongeBob and Patrick:[Patrick bites into the donut again] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, reunite! [At Shady Shoals Retirement Home]
SpongeBob: Excuse me, I know that Mermaid Man is working undercover on an important case, but you think we can see him?
Manager: Undercover? Yeah... well, I'll see if they can take time from their busy schedule to see you. [SpongeBob and Patrick laughing as they walk in] There they are. Right over there. [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp]
Manager: Try not to surprise them.
SpongeBob: Patrick! Can you believe it?
Patrick:[holding onto SpongeBob] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in the flesh! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk in front of the TV]
Barnacle Boy: Hey, who are those guys?
Mermaid Man: Uhh, are they here to fix the TV?
Barnacle Boy: What do you want?
SpongeBob: Are you Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?
Barnacle Boy: Well, we used to be. But now we're retired.
SpongeBob: But you can't retire! There's evil afoot.
Mermaid Man: Wha? Evil! Evil! [hanging on a flower] Barnacle Boy! Don't forget there's evil!
SpongeBob: All I said that there was evil afoot.
Mermaid Man: Evil! Evil! E...
Barnacle Boy: Would you please stop saying that?
Mermaid Man:[hanging on a water fountain] Evil! Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil! [water squirts at him] Disgraaace! [manager comes, grabs and throws SpongeBob and Patrick out]
SpongeBob: Wow, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.
Patrick: It's too bad they're old.
SpongeBob: What do you mean, Patrick? Old people are the greatest. They're full of wisdom and experience. [real life captain gives a thumbs up and the Jurassic Park theme plays] The world needs Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Someone, somewhere, is in trouble, and I won't rest until Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are out of retirement. [fireworks appear]
Patrick: Ooh! Pretty lights!
[At Shady Shoals Retirement Home's cafeteria]
Mermaid Man: To the meatloaf! To the broccoli! Make sure you give extra broccoli to my young ward. The boy needs his vitamins.
Cafeterian: Here you go, son. Haha.
Mermaid Man: To the table, away!
Barnacle Boy: Careful! Don't run!
SpongeBob: Hey, Mermaid Man.
Mermaid Man: Uh, here comes the TV repairman.
Barnacle Boy: What do you want from us?
SpongeBob: Hold on. Just let me look at ya.
Mermaid Man: Stay alert, Barnacle Boy. He... he's up to something.
Barnacle Boy: Will you cut... will you stop calling me "boy?"
SpongeBob: Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low? So you invented a ray gun that makes things grow six times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens. But then the evil Man Ray swoops down and swipes the gun away and shoots all the algae. [jumps onto one of the cafeteria tables where somebody is eating] And he globs onto the undersea dome. [puts his mouth on the table] And he starts sucking on the glass.
Barnacle Boy: What's your point, kid?
SpongeBob: You guys are the greatest heroes of all time, and I think you should come out of retirement.
Mermaid Man: Listen up, you villains. I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Manager:[enters the cafeteria] What is going on in here?
Mermaid Man:[points to SpongeBob, who stops smiling] You may kiss the bride! [SpongeBob gets kicked out and rolls home]
Patrick: Did you re-unite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married. [Back at the retirement home]
Mermaid Man: Up, up, and away. Up, up, and away.
SpongeBob:[dressed up as a woman] Oh, my. This purse is so big and heavy.
Patrick:[dressed up as a robber] Hold it right there, ma'am. I'll be taking that. [grabs SpongeBob's purse]
SpongeBob:[screams] Hay-lp! Hay-lp! Hay-lp!
Patrick: It's working.
SpongeBob:[Barnacle Boy comes over to him] Why, are you here to rescue little ol' me?
Barnacle Boy:[yells at SpongeBob, ruining his makeup] Pipe down! You could wake Mermaid Man and he's ornery when his nap is disturbed.
SpongeBob:[approaches Mermaid Man, who is sleeping with his eyes open] Ever alert, Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.
Barnacle Boy:[close up to his face] It's not me, you ol' coot!
Retired Elderly #1: Yes.
Retired Elderly #2: That's me.
Retired Elderly #3: I'm over here.
SpongeBob: Excuse me, Mermaid Man.
Mermaid Man: What do you want?
Barnacle Boy: This better be good.
SpongeBob: This'll cheer you up. We're almost done painting your invisible boatmobile. [The invisible boatmobile is shown almost completely covered in black paint and we also see Patrick smiling while holding a paintbrush with black paint on it.]
Barnacle Boy: Gah! It's supposed to be invisible! That's it! We gotta end our life of leisure. It's time to come out of retirement. There's evil afoot.
Mermaid Man: Evil! Where is it?
Barnacle Boy: There it is! [points at SpongeBob and Patrick] You know what this means? [opens up box with shiny rings]
Mermaid Man: Donuts!
Barnacle Boy: Oh, brother. [puts ring on Mermaid Man and then they put them together, but it doesn't work, so they do it again, but it doesn't work] Say the oath.
Mermaid Man:[in his young voice] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, unite! [they put the rings together, and this time it works] Throw a waterball at 'em!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Waterballs! Waterballs! [Barnacle Boy throws a waterball at SpongeBob, but nothing happens]
Barnacle Boy: Mumbling mories. It's not working, Mermaid Man.
Mermaid Man: He-he's-he's absorbing it like some kind of evil sponge!
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Dogpaddle away! [they swim around SpongeBob and Patrick]
Patrick: It's the Raging Whirlpool. [SpongeBob and Patrick cheer as the whirlpool consumes them]
Mermaid Man: Those fiends. They're actually enjoying it.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!
Barnacle Boy: Now what, Mermaid Man? We need help!
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Sea creatures, unite! [they summon the sea creatures but they are retired so they come slowly]
Barnacle Boy: Hmm, the creatures of the deep seem to have lost some of their luster.
Mermaid Man: Sea creatures, attack!
SpongeBob: Pinch me, I must be dreaming. [sea creatures pick up SpongeBob and Patrick] Mission accomplished, Patrick.
Patrick: Yeah, we did it. [sea creatures throw them out]
Mermaid Man: I did it. I feel five years younger. Oh, it's good to be back!
Barnacle Boy: We did it, you ol' coot. [they shake hands]
Mermaid Man: Who are you? [Barnacle Boy becomes annoyed]
TV Announcer: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! We join our heroes locked in a battle of wits. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy play checkers.]
[Mermaid Man places a black checker on the board. A "Pow!" pow-bubble appears. Barnacle Boy replies by placing a red checker on the board. "Clack!" appears. Mermaid Man sweats, then places a black checker to the end of the board. A "King Me!" appears. Suddenly the phone rings.]
Mermaid Man: It's the Aquaphone! [he holds the phone upside down] What is it, Chief? Uhh, hello? Hello? Hello? [Hangs up phone. "HANG UP!" appears] The phone is still broken. Remind me to g-get that fixed. ["SIT!" appears]
Barnacle Boy: Remind you of what?
Mermaid Man: Remind me of what?
TV Announcer: Will our heroes ever get their phone fixed? Tune in next week and find out.
SpongeBob: Wow. That was even better than the old show.
Patrick: All thanks to you. [SpongeBob winks; "WINK!" appears].