Johnny:[announcing a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon] Salutations, heroic devotees! I hope you're securely seated and sufficiently hydrated, because coming up next, it's the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon!
SpongeBob:[pulling out a long list from his pocket] We got to make sure we have the necessary supplies for this marathon.
Patrick: Let's do this!
SpongeBob: Ok, how are we on snacks?
Patrick: Oh, hmm... I don't know. We might be able to pull through... [gestures to a wall stacked with ridiculous amounts of junk food] the first hour.
SpongeBob: Check. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures? [grunts, forcing six different action figures out of his craters] Check. Drapes?
Patrick: Check. [entering from behind purple drapes with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy on them]
Patrick: Check. [turns on Mermaid Man lamp he's wearing around his neck]
SpongeBob: Thermometer? [spits out Mermaid Man thermometer] Check. Ukelele, throw pillow, screensaver, incense, snail cozy, headgear?
Patrick:[with Mermaid Man orthodontic headgear on] Check.
SpongeBob: And... [Mermaid Man watch beeps, saying:]
Computerized Watch: It's time. It's time. It's time to fight... [groans] evil!
SpongeBob: It's time, Patrick! I hope we can make do with the few provisions we have... [SpongeBob and Patrick sit in front of TV. When the program starts, pedestrians scream and flee in fear when the Dirty Bubble appears. The Dirty Bubble eats a citizen]
Johnny: For sixty-some-odd years, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy have quadruple-handedly kept the sea crime-free. [The two heroes pop the Dirty Bubble, releasing the citizen] And in celebration of such longevity, we're kicking off this weekend-long hero fest with the never-before-aired Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Special! [SpongeBob and Patrick's skin peels in excitement] And now, without further fanfare, [fanfare plays] the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Spe-[TV turns off unexpectedly]
SpongeBob: No... [crashing sound, lights go off and windows are shattered] NO! [SpongeBob's house is ripped apart and thrown into the air, leaving SpongeBob and Patrick sitting there] No! This is terrible! How will we see the Origin Special now? [TV is blown by wind and is pulverized against the side of Squidward's house]
SpongeBob and Patrick:[pounding on Squidward's front door] Squidward! Squidward! Let us in! We're missing the Mermaid Man marathon!
Squidward: Go away! I've got better things to do than watch grown men prance around in ridiculous outfits. [Squidward's TV shows a man in a leotard performing ballet; the TV unexpectedly turns off] ...what? Circuit must've blown again. [opens door, letting the wind ruin his living room. SpongeBob and Patrick are also swept inside]
SpongeBob: Hey, thanks for letting us in, Squidward.
Patrick: Yeah, we owe you one! [Squidward's house is also ripped apart by the wind and is hurled into the air] What now, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. All the TV's in Bikini Bottom are knocked out! We have to find a secure place, some place that can survive this whirlwind. [thinking] Hey, that's it. If we want to see Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's origin, we'll just go to the source. Follow me, Patrick.
Patrick: Thanks for nothing, Squidward. [he follows SpongeBob, who is leaving]
Squidward: So sorry to have put such a wrinkle in your plans! [He screams as he is flung into the air]
SpongeBob:[both are grunting because they are crawling] We made it! [sees a welcome mat in front of the Mermalair secret entrance] Patrick, get up! We have found the Mermalair! [they proceed, but plunge into a trapdoor underneath the mat. They plunge into a net and drop onto the ground]
SpongeBob and Patrick:[exchanging glances] Again!
Barnacle Boy:[spotting the two on the ground] Oh, boy.
SpongeBob and Patrick:[laughing as they are dragged by Mermaid Man to they main control panel of the Mermalair] Again!
Barnacle Boy: Do you mind telling us what you're doing here?
Patrick: We wanna watch your TV!
Barnacle Boy: I hate to break it to you kids, but you'll have to go somewhere else. Our power got knocked out in the storm.
Patrick: But, but... now how will we ever learn about their secret "gorinin"? [he mispronounces "origin"]
SpongeBob: Hang on a minute, Patrick, we've got Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy standing right over here!
Patrick: ...Yeah, so?
SpongeBob: So, if we want to hear their origin, why don't we just ask them?
Patrick: Whoa! You're like a brain professor!
SpongeBob: Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, we wanna know how this all started.
Mermaid Man: You wanna go back to the start of it all, eh? Well, you see, in the beginning, it was all dark. And then all of a sudden, an event called The Big Splash formed the seas, and-
Barnacle Boy: Not the beginning of time, Mermaid-Brain. They want to know how we became a crime-fighting duo.
Mermaid Man: Oh... right. [thinking] Well, it all started when I was just a young, handsome muscular lad, [A flashback begins, showing a young, handsome Mermaid Man surfing and eating a submarine sandwich] when suddenly, I noticed that my washing machine had stopped. [Mermaid Man of the flashback grabs the clothes out of the washing machine on the beach]
Barnacle Boy: What are you talking about? [flashback ends]
Mermaid Man: Huh?
Barnacle Boy: You're supposed to be telling the story of how we became superheroes!
Mermaid Man:[slaps forehead] ...The story. Yes. I was a young, handsome muscular lad, soaking up the sun's rays on the beach, [a new flashback begins, very similar to the first one] when suddenly I became drowsy. [Mermaid Man in the flashback falls asleep instantly] A wave came ashore, and drew me back into the ocean! [waves draw Mermaid Man in the flashback into the sea, he is drowning, and he yells "Help!" while coughing] Suddenly, I realized I was being sucked under by a violent whirlpool! I was running out of oxygen fast. [Mermaid Man in the flashback sinks to the bottom of the sea and gives up trying the struggle] But before I drowned, I was rescued by mermaids. [Mermaid Man in the flashback is carried through the ocean by two mermaids] They took me to the ocean floor, where they gave me a magic sea star that allowed me to breathe underwater. [Mermaid Man in the flashback inhales and exhales deeply, then falls asleep, the present Mermaid Man falls asleep also]
Barnacle Boy: Wake up, you old coot. Finish the story.
Mermaid Man:[wakes up after being nudged by Barnacle Boy] Huh?
SpongeBob:[excitedly] Yeah, Mermaid Man, what about Barnacle Boy?
Patrick: Yeah, how'd you two meet?
Mermaid Man:[slapping his temples] Oh, sorry boys... There I was in the ocean, the only human who could breathe underwater. [flashback resumes] Alas, such a life got lonely real fast; I had no other humans to talk to. What was a man to do? Then my question was answered. [the bottom of a boat is seen in the flashback, then the port side of the boat is shown, where a very young Barnacle Boy is scraping barnacles off the wood. The captain of the boat appears]
Captain: Hey, barnacle boy, make sure you scrape the barnacles underneath, too.
Young Barnacle Boy: Aye, aye. [he takes a deep breath and lowers himself underwater to get the barnacles under the surface]
Flashback Mermaid Man: A boy in trouble! I've got to act fast or he'll drown. [he swims to Barnacle Boy] Fear not, young man. I'll take care of this.
Mermaid Man:[narrating once again] I used my new telekinetic powers to draw barnacles into Barnacle Boy's body, where they took the place of his lungs so he could breathe underwater, too. It was at that moment when we decided to team up.
SpongeBob:[the flashback has ended] Ohhhh, so that's how you guys got together.
Barnacle Boy: No, no, no... [shaking head and crossing arms] the reason I teamed up with this joker is because I was stuck breathing underwater for the rest of my life.
Mermaid Man: Oh... yeah.
Barnacle Boy: Anyway, from that day forward, we became
Johnny: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, superhero crime fighters!
Flashback Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy:[new flashback begins, an alarm is clanging while people are shouting] A crime in progress! [A bank robber laughs maniacally as he is stealing bags of cash from the First Nautical Bank]
Banker: Stop! Thief!
Flashback Barnacle Boy: See if you think this is funny, evildoer. [He rapidly spits barnacles at the robber, knocking him down] Who's laughing now, thieving scum?
Banker:[shaking Mermaid Man's hand] Thank you, sir. And to whom do I owe this debt of gratitude?
Flashback Mermaid Man: You can thank me, Mermaid Man. [Barnacle Boy is seen shaking in indignity in the background]
Man Ray:[new flashback begins, Man Ray has the upper hand in a duel against Barnacle Boy. He laughs] You're mine!
Flashback Barnacle Boy:[shoots web a web of cheese-like material that binds and gags Man Ray] How'd you like to taste my tentacle zapper, Man Ray?
Flashback Mermaid Man:[dialing a pay phone] Hello... [indistinct response] So? What are you wearing? [indistinct response] Oh. In that case, can I get a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese? Thanks. [Barnacle Boy slaps his head in disgust]
Mermaid Man:[flashback has ended] That didn't happen!
Barnacle Boy: Oh yes it did!
Mermaid Man: Oh no, it didn't!
Barnacle Boy: Oh, ha ha, lot you remember. You don't even remember where you live.
Mermaid Man: It didn't happen!
Johnny:[the Mermalair's large TV suddenly turns on] And now, without any further delays, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Episode.
SpongeBob:[standing up excitedly] Oh, this is it!
Johnny: The story of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy all started here. [The TV zooms in on a series of red apartment buildings]
Tim:[Barnacle Boy is now a young adult dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, in front of the television sitting on a couch] Come on, Ernie! The movie's about to start... Where's the popcorn?
Ernie:[Mermaid Man is now a young adult dressed in a striped shirt and khakis. He is waiting next to the microwave in the kitchen] It's in the microwave, Tim.
Johnny:[talking very rapidly as the scene he is describing unfolds as he is talking] At that very moment in the apartment directly above, a rogue scientist doing tests on radioactive ants knocks over a jar of his infected specimens, one of which, without any hesitation, crawls down one floor and miraculously lands undetected. It viciously bites our soon-to-be superhero. He screams in pain, [Ernie: Ahh!] stumbling backwards. [Tim: What on earth?] In a split-second, both men find themselves in a freefall that sends them squarely through the roof of a vats of acid factory, and into a vat of acid that is tipped over by an errant alien spaceship, carrying the two blindly on a wave of acid during a solar eclipse on a leap year, precariously careening onto a bomb-testing site, where a cataclysmic explosion exposes our heroes in waiting to highly toxic radium gases. Then, as fate would have it, magical storm clouds move in, zapping both men with a neon-plaid lightning bolt and raining radioactive ooze, which, through centrifugal and electromagnetic turbulence, causes a powerful earthquake deep in the jungle two-thousand miles away, consequently unearthing a magical crystal with wings that flies to Ernie and Tim's exact location, and, powered by super gamma energy currents, pilots them to open skies until, not paying attention, the crystal clips the top of a billboard, flinging the two back to their apartment miraculously unharmed, when... [microwave beeps]
Ernie: Hey, the popcorn's ready!
Johnny: ...they proceed with movie night and eat slightly overcooked popcorn.
Tim: Mmmm... I think you overcooked this a little.
Johnny: Suddenly, an amazing reaction to the overcooked popcorn hits them with a jolt of cosmic super energy, metamorphosing Ernie into an incredibly strong, seastar-wearing superhero and Tim into a slightly less strong, but also super sailor-looking guy.
Tim: I have the sudden and incredibly urge to breathe water instead of air.
Ernie: As do I.
Johnny: And that is how they became the superheroes we have come to know as... [the heroes dive into the ocean from a dock and pose] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Defenders of the Deep! [The End graphic appears on the TV]
Barnacle Boy: Oh, feels just like yesterday, doesn't it, Mermaid Man?
Mermaid Man: ...No, not really.
Barnacle Boy: Hmm... Oh, so what do you boys think? Boys? [realizes SpongeBob and Patrick have left]
SpongeBob:[programming microwave for 12 minutes] Okay, Patrick, the overcooked popcorn will be ready in twelve minutes!
Patrick: This is gonna be so super awesome!
SpongeBob: So superhero awesome!
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: No! Stop! But you're not superhero material! Look at those shoes![Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy keep on blabbering until the episode ends]