Squidward: I like my frowns in their regular orientation. [flips his head back to normal]
SpongeBob:[jumps in front of Squidward] Just remember, Squidward. You've never experienced true love. BUT, that doesn't mean you'll never find it! You know the saying: There's a squid for every pot!
Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. [sarcastically] That'll make me feel better.
[Squilvia walks inside and Squidward gasps]
Squidward:[bashes into SpongeBob and picks him up as he looks at her] Who-who is that? She's got da-da-da-da-da... [melts] She's, wow!
Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor! Exquisitely minimalist!
Squidward:[gasps] She speaks art jargon!
Squilvia: What captive wonders does this menu hold?
Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all! Class, style, grace, [shows a caricature of Squilvia's face. Elephant sounds.] and looks like yours truly!
SpongeBob: Then why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?
Squidward: My next move exactly! Observe the old tentacles and all of its glory! [tries to speak to her, but becomes nervous]
Squilvia: Is that salmonese?
SpongeBob: Boy, you were floundering up there!
Squidward: SpongeBob, I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.
SpongeBob: Squidward, you've been bitten by the love bug!
Squilvia: Hello, hello? I'd like to place an order.
Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?
Squilvia: Well, if nobody's going to take my order, I'll just have to go eat elsewhere. [begins to leave]
Squidward:[gasps] She's leaving!
SpongeBob: Oh no shes not! Hang on buddy! [cranks up the boat and it moves in front of Squilvia]
Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.
SpongeBob: Hey, Idward Squay. 'Emeber ray the eat day. [Squidward falls over] I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you out on a romantic date, ma'am, right Squidward?
Squidward:[tries to talk but is constantly feeling romance]
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Shake the nice lady's hand and say "Hello."
Squilvia: Hello. [shakes Squidward's hand] My name is Squilvia. Uh... is he okay?
SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. [Squidward falls over again] So, what do you think? You want to date him?
Squilvia: Uh... I don't know. I'm not too sure...
SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions, allow me to tell you a few things about my friend Squidward. Things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.
SpongeBob: That's right! We are talking some serious credentials.
Squilvia:[reads off certificate] L.A.M.E.? What school is that?
SpongeBob: The point is he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.
Squilvia: Really? He said that?
SpongeBob: You betcha! He's such a charmer.
Squidward:[to SpongeBob] Don't forget artistic and musical.
SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too. [Squidward shows a painting of muscular Squidward, shows his playing the clarinet, shows delicious fricassee, cleans SpongeBob with a feather-duster, and waters a flower.]
Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting!
SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? [teary-eyed] It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy would get to experience things on a whole 'nother very special level. So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?
Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?
Squilvia: See you at 8: 00, Squidward. [walks away. Squidward floats away and SpongeBob grabs him]
SpongeBob: You okay, buddy. You froze up there.
Squidward:[Head is in a block of ice, which breaks] What do you mean?
SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?
Squidward:[remembers his last date] SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?
SpongeBob: You my friend are in desperate need of a practice date.
Squidward: That's it! I'll go on... [voice quiets down] a practice date? I don't get it.
SpongeBob: Just meet me at my house at 5: 00, Squidward.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. Squidward rings the doorbell]
SpongeBob:[female voice] Just one minute, Squidward!
Squidward:[sulks a little a look at his watch] Sometime today would be nice.
SpongeBob:[dressed as Squilvia. female voice] I'm ready!
Squidward:[screams] Dear Neptune!
SpongeBob: Oh! [smacks his nose, making it bigger, and tilts it down] Missed a spot! [regular voice] Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?
Squidward: Um...You look...stunning?
SpongeBob:[female voice] Oh, you're so sweet! Where are my flowers?
Squidward: What! Oh! Um. Did you drop your lip balm!
SpongeBob:[looks down as Squidward buys some flowers] I don't think I've dropped anything... Ooh! You shouldn't have.
Squidward. Oh, but I wanted to!
SpongeBob: No, you really shouldn't have. It's just that I'm very... I'm very aller... Achoo! [sneezes on Squidward] ...very allergic to tulips. So, are you ready to go?
Squidward: Go where?
SpongeBob: To dinner, silly.
Squidward: Oh, right! I'll get my car. [arrives with his boat] Hop in! [SpongeBob clears his throat] What?
SpongeBob:[regular voice] A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.
Squidward:[opens the door] Oh, where are my manners!? [SpongeBob gets in, and Squidward buckles his seatbelt] Alrighty, so... [SpongeBob is struggling with his seatbelt] Can I help you with that?
SpongeBob: No, no, I've got it!
Squidward:[takes the seatbelt and buckles it] There!
SpongeBob: Ah, snug.
Squidward: Can we go now?
SpongeBob: Right after I tinkle. [unbuckles seatbelt, walks inside, and rings a bell before returning to the car]
Squidward: Can we go now?
SpongeBob: Great, I know a fabulous place! Just head this way.
SpongeBob: At that stop sign make a right.
SpongeBob: At that stoplight make a right.
SpongeBob: At this street here make a right. At this intersection make a right, and park at the orange building up ahead. Ooh! We're here!
Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?
SpongeBob: Why thank you, Mr. Squidward! [regular voice] Way to compliment the date, Squidward.
SpongeBob: Now, it's the chit-chat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.
Squidward: Oh... Um... Chit-chat... Can you believe all this weather we're having?
SpongeBob: Okay, good effort, but you want to try something more personal. A woman may want to talk about her day, for example. She may want to talk about her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, or how I was nearly late for our date because I couldn't decide what to wear, and then I didn't really have enough cash to give to the nail salon. [shows SpongeBob's red painted nails]
Patrick:[clears throat] Dinner is served.
SpongeBob: Oh! I'm famished! [Patrick gives SpongeBob and Squidward a plate of meatloaf. to Squidward] Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.
SpongeBob: This is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette.
SpongeBob:[female voice] Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? [Squidward tries to pass the kelp, but Patrick gives it to him]
Patrick:[Passes kelp to SpongeBob] Here you go, ma'am!
SpongeBob: Why, thank you, sir!
Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the cutesy eye!
Squidward: Oh, no you don't, Patrick! You cannot just barge across like this! SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date!!
Patrick:[to SpongeBob] So, do you hang out here often?
SpongeBob:[giggles] Well, this is my home, silly.
Squidward: Excuse me, but how is this supposed to help me with my real date? [looks at watch] Which, by the way begins in five minutes. [walks down stairs angrily mumbling]
SpongeBob:[regular voice] Squidward, wait! We haven't covered...[gets lipstick] We haven't covered all the tenants of Dating 101 yet! [trips and falls downstairs, and bumps into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the door] So, as I was saying... I, I would like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date. [The door melts off Squidward, who becomes angry] Such as...
[Squidward shushes SpongeBob]
Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward..
Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you, you annoying, insignificant, waste of my time!
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
Squidward: Don't interrupt me! And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me! Cause you and I, we are not friends! And never will be.
SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date?
Squidward: Um, you just saw that.
Squilvia: Oh just all of it.
Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean, spirited brute, which is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?
Squilvia: Not exactly.
Squilvia: I think a guy who isn't nice lately is totally dreamy. Let's go eat!
Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy!
[Squilvia pulls Squidward away so they can go eat]
SpongeBob: Have fun you two, oh SquarePants your work here is done.
Patrick:[dressed as a woman] Not quite, I was promised a movie, and some plastic popcorn.