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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Love That Squid" from season seven, which aired on February 12, 2011.
  • Frankie Billy: Excuse me, a patty for the lady please.
  • Squidward: Try reading the sign, Casanova.
  • [Frankie tries to read the sign, but he can't]
  • Evelyn: You never learned to read, did you?
  • Frankie Billy: [sulks] No.
  • Evelyn: That's all right, neither did I!
  • Frankie Billy: We were meant for each other! [they walk away happily]
  • Squidward: [sighs] Even the illiterate are finding love. [takes out a book] Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself with tales of romance? [tosses the book away and it lands in SpongeBob's eye]
  • SpongeBob: [takes the book out of his eye] Squidward! [puts the book on his tongue] You dropped your ook!
  • Squidward: That's no "ook". That's just a cruel reminder that I'm single, and likely to remain that way forever.
  • SpongeBob: Don't be sad, buddy. Turn that frown upside down! [flips Squidward's head]
  • Squidward: I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation. [flips his head back to normal]
  • SpongeBob: [jumps in front of Squidward] Just remember, Squidward. You have never experienced true love. BUT that doesn't mean you will never find it! You know the saying: There's a squid for every pot!
  • Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. [sarcastically] That'll make me feel better.
  • [Squilvia walks inside and Squidward gasps]
  • Squidward: [bashes into SpongeBob and picks him up as he looks at her] Who-who is that? She's got da-da-da-da-da... [melts] She's, wow!
  • Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor! Exquisitely minimalist!
  • Squidward: [gasps] She speaks art jargon!
  • Squilvia: What culinary delights doth this menu hold?
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all! Class, style, grace, [shows a caricature of Squilvia's face. Elephant sounds are hesrd.] ..and looks only matched by yours truly!
  • SpongeBob: Well, why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?
  • Squidward: My next move exactly! Observe the old Tentacles charm in all its glory! [tries to speak to her, but becomes nervous]
  • Squilvia: Is that Salmonese?
  • SpongeBob: Boy, you are floundering up there!
  • Squidward: I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.
  • SpongeBob: [chuckles] Squiddy, you've been bitten by the love bug!
  • Squilvia: Hello! Hello? I'd like to order.
  • Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, I can help you attract your true love!
  • Squidward: You!? You don't know the first thing about the fine art of romance!
  • Squilvia: Well, since no one wants to take my order, I'll go elsewhere. [begins to leave]
  • Squidward: [gasps] She's leaving!
  • SpongeBob: Oh no she's not! Hang on, buddy! [cranks up the boat and it moves in front of Squilvia]
  • Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Idward Squay. 'Emeber ray the eat day. [Squidward falls over] I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you on a romantic date, ma'am. Right, Squidward?
  • Squidward: [tries to talk, but is constantly feeling romance]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Shake the nice lady's hand and say "Hello."
  • Squilvia: Hello. [shakes Squidward's hand] My name is Squilvia. Uh... is he okay?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He-he's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. [Squidward falls over again] So, what do you think? You want to date him?
  • Squilvia: Uh... I don't know. I'm not too sure...
  • SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions, allow me to tell you a few things about my friend, Squidward. Things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.
  • Squilvia: Intelligent?
  • SpongeBob: That's right! We are talking some serious credentials.
  • Squilvia: [reads off certificate] L.A.M.E.? What school is that?
  • SpongeBob: The point is, he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.
  • Squilvia: Really? Wow. He really said that?
  • SpongeBob: You betcha! He's such a charmer.
  • Squidward: [to SpongeBob] Don't forget artistic and musical.
  • SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too. [Squidward shows a painting of muscular Squidward, shows his playing the clarinet, shows delicious fricassee, cleans SpongeBob with a feather-duster, and waters a flower.]
  • Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting!
  • SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? [teary-eyed] It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy would get to experience things on a whole 'nother and very special level. So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?
  • Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?
  • Squidward: Uh-huh.
  • Squilvia: See you at 8:00, Squidward. [walks away. Squidward floats away and SpongeBob grabs him]
  • SpongeBob: You okay, buddy. You froze up there, buddy.
  • Squidward: [Head is in a block of ice, which breaks] What do you mean?
  • SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?
  • Squidward: [remembers his last date] SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?
  • SpongeBob: You, my friend, are in desperate need of a practice date.
  • Squidward: That's it! I'll go on... [voice quiets down] a practice date? I don't get it.
  • SpongeBob: Just meet me at my house at 5:00, Squidward.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. Squidward rings the doorbell]
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Just one minute, Squidward!
  • Squidward: [sulks a little a look at his watch] Sometime today would be nice.
  • SpongeBob: [dressed as Squilvia. female voice] I'm ready!
  • Squidward: [screams] Dear Neptune!
  • SpongeBob: Oh! [smacks his nose, making it bigger, and tilts it down] Missed a spot! [regular voice] Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?
  • Squidward: Um...You look...stunning?
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh, you're so sweet! Where are my flowers?
  • Squidward: What! Oh! Um. Did you drop your lip balm!
  • SpongeBob: [looks down as Squidward buys some flowers] I don't think I've dropped anything... Ooh! You shouldn't have.
  • Squidward: Oh, but I wanted to!
  • SpongeBob: No, you really shouldn't have. It's just that I'm very... I'm very aller... [sneezes on Squidward] ...very allergic to tulips. So, are you ready to go?
  • Squidward: Go where?
  • SpongeBob: To dinner, silly.
  • Squidward: Oh, right! I'll get my car. [arrives with his boat] Hop in! [SpongeBob clears his throat] What?
  • SpongeBob: [regular voice] A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.
  • Squidward: [opens the door] Oh, where are my manners!? [SpongeBob gets in, and Squidward buckles his seatbelt] Alrighty, so... [SpongeBob is struggling with his seatbelt] Can I help you with that?
  • SpongeBob: No, no, I've got it!
  • Squidward: [takes the seatbelt and buckles it] There!
  • SpongeBob: Ah, snug.
  • Squidward: Can we go now?
  • SpongeBob: Yes.
  • Squidward: Good.
  • SpongeBob: Right after I tinkle. [unbuckles seatbelt, walks inside, and rings a bell before returning to the car]
  • Squidward: Can we go now?
  • SpongeBob: Great, I know a fabulous place! Just head this way.
  • Squidward: Okay.
  • SpongeBob: At that stop sign make a right.
  • Squidward: Alright.
  • SpongeBob: At that stoplight make a right.
  • Squidward: Gotcha.
  • SpongeBob: At this street here make a right. At this intersection make a right, and park at the orange building up ahead. Ooh! We're here!
  • Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?
  • SpongeBob: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward! [regular voice] Way to compliment the date, Squidward.
  • [Bubble transition]
  • SpongeBob: Now, it's the chit-chat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.
  • Squidward: Oh... Um... Chit-chat... Can you believe all this weather we're having?
  • SpongeBob: Okay, good effort, but you want to try something more personal. A woman may want to talk about her day, for example. She may want to talk about her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, or how I was nearly late for our date because I couldn't decide what to wear, and then I didn't really have enough cash to give to the nail salon. [shows SpongeBob's red painted nails]
  • Squidward: Urrgh!
  • Patrick: [clears throat] Dinner is served.

{{L|SpongeBob|Oh! I'm famished! [Patrick gives SpongeBob and Squidward a plate of meatloaf.]

  • Patrick: [to Squidward] Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.
  • SpongeBob: This is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette.
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? [Squidward tries to pass the kelp, but Patrick gives it to him]
  • Patrick: [Passes kelp to SpongeBob] Here you go, ma'am!
  • SpongeBob: Why, thank you, sir!
  • Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the cutesy eye!
  • Squidward: Oh, no you don't, Patrick! You cannot just barge across like this! SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date!!
  • Patrick: [to SpongeBob] So, do you hang out here often?
  • SpongeBob: [giggles] Well, this is my home, silly.
  • Squidward: Excuse me, but how is this supposed to help me with my real date? [looks at watch] Which, by the way begins in five minutes. [walks down stairs angrily mumbling]
  • SpongeBob: [regular voice] Squidward, wait! We haven't covered... [gets lipstick] We haven't covered all the tenants of Dating 101 yet! [trips and falls downstairs, and bumps into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the door] So, as I was saying... I, I would like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date. [The door melts off Squidward, who becomes angry] Such as...
  • [Squidward grabs SpongeBob’s mouth]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?
  • SpongeBob: Um, Squidward..
  • Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you, you annoying, insignificant, waste of my time!
  • SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Don't interrupt me! And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me! ‘Cause you and I, we are not friends! And never will be.
  • SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date?
  • [Squidward walks and sees Squilvia]
  • Squidward: Um, you just saw that, didn't you?
  • Squilvia: Oh, only all of it.
  • Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute, which, ironically, is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?
  • Squilvia: Not exactly.
  • Squidward: Huh?
  • Squilvia: I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly is totally dreamy. Let's go eat!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy!
  • [Squilvia pulls Squidward away so they can go eat]
  • SpongeBob: Have fun, you two! SquarePants, your work here is done.
  • Patrick: [dressed as a woman] Not quite! I was promised a movie, and some plastic popcorn.