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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Love That Squid" from season seven, which aired on February 12, 2011.
  • Frankie Billy: Excuse me, a patty for the lady please.
  • Squidward: Try reading the sign, Casanova.
  • [Frankie tries to read the sign, but he can't]
  • Evelyn: You never learned to read, did you?
  • Frankie Billy: [sulks] No.
  • Evelyn: That's all right, neither did I!
  • Frankie Billy: We were meant for each other! [they walk away happily]
  • Squidward: [sighs] Even the illiterate are finding love. [takes out a book] Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself with tales of romance? [tosses the book away and it lands in SpongeBob's eye]
  • SpongeBob: [takes the book out of his eye] Squidward! [puts the book on his tongue] You dropped your ook!
  • Squidward: That's no "ook". That's just a cruel reminder that I'm single, and likely to remain that way forever.
  • SpongeBob: Don't be sad, buddy. Turn that frown upside down! [flips Squidward's head]
  • Squidward: I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation. [flips his head back to normal]
  • SpongeBob: [jumps in front of Squidward] Just remember, Squidward. You have never experienced true love. BUT that doesn't mean you will never find it! You know the saying: There's a squid for every pot!
  • Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. [sarcastically] That'll make me feel better.
  • [Squilvia walks inside and Squidward gasps]
  • Squidward: [bashes into SpongeBob and picks him up as he looks at her] Who-who is that? She's got da-da-da-da-da... [melts] She's, wow!
  • Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor! Exquisitely minimalist!
  • Squidward: [gasps] She speaks art jargon!
  • Squilvia: What culinary delights doth this menu hold?
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all! Class, style, grace, [shows a caricature of Squilvia's face. Elephant sounds are hesrd.] ..and looks only matched by yours truly!
  • SpongeBob: Well, why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?
  • Squidward: My next move exactly! Observe the old Tentacles charm in all its glory! [tries to speak to her, but becomes nervous]
  • Squilvia: Is that Salmonese?
  • SpongeBob: Boy, you are floundering up there!
  • Squidward: I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.
  • SpongeBob: [chuckles] Squiddy, you've been bitten by the love bug!
  • Squilvia: Hello! Hello? I'd like to order.
  • Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, I can help you attract your true love!
  • Squidward: You!? You don't know the first thing about the fine art of romance!
  • Squilvia: Well, since no one wants to take my order, I'll go elsewhere. [begins to leave]
  • Squidward: [gasps] She's leaving!
  • SpongeBob: Oh no she's not! Hang on, buddy! [cranks up the boat and it moves in front of Squilvia]
  • Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Idward Squay. 'Emeber ray the eat day. [Squidward falls over] I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you on a romantic date, ma'am. Right, Squidward?
  • Squidward: [tries to talk, but is constantly feeling romance]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Shake the nice lady's hand and say "Hello."
  • Squilvia: Hello. [shakes Squidward's hand] My name is Squilvia. Uh... is he okay?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He-he's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. [Squidward falls over again] So, what do you think? You want to date him?
  • Squilvia: Uh... I don't know. I'm not too sure...
  • SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions, allow me to tell you a few things about my friend, Squidward. Things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.
  • Squilvia: Intelligent?
  • SpongeBob: That's right! We are talking some serious credentials.
  • Squilvia: [reads off certificate] L.A.M.E.? What school is that?
  • SpongeBob: The point is, he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.
  • Squilvia: Really? Wow. He really said that?
  • SpongeBob: You betcha! He's such a charmer.
  • Squidward: [to SpongeBob] Don't forget artistic and musical.
  • SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too. [Squidward shows a painting of muscular Squidward, shows his playing the clarinet, shows delicious fricassee, cleans SpongeBob with a feather-duster, and waters a flower.]
  • Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting!
  • SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? [teary-eyed] It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy would get to experience things on a whole 'nother and very special level. So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?
  • Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?
  • Squidward: Uh-huh.
  • Squilvia: See you at 8:00, Squidward. [walks away. Squidward floats away and SpongeBob grabs him]
  • SpongeBob: You okay, buddy. You froze up there, buddy.
  • Squidward: [Head is in a block of ice, which breaks] What do you mean?
  • SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?
  • Squidward: [remembers his last date] SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?
  • SpongeBob: You, my friend, are in desperate need of a practice date.
  • Squidward: That's it! I'll go on... [voice quiets down] a practice date? I don't get it.
  • SpongeBob: Just meet me at my house at 5:00, Squidward.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. Squidward rings the doorbell]
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Just one minute, Squidward!
  • Squidward: [sulks a little a look at his watch] Sometime today would be nice.
  • SpongeBob: [dressed as Squilvia. female voice] I'm ready!
  • Squidward: [screams] Dear Neptune!
  • SpongeBob: Oh! [smacks his nose, making it bigger, and tilts it down] Missed a spot! [regular voice] Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?
  • Squidward: Um...You look...stunning?
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh, you're so sweet! Where are my flowers?
  • Squidward: What! Oh! Um. Did you drop your lip balm!
  • SpongeBob: [looks down as Squidward buys some flowers] I don't think I've dropped anything... Ooh! You shouldn't have.
  • Squidward: Oh, but I wanted to!
  • SpongeBob: No, you really shouldn't have. It's just that I'm very... I'm very aller... [sneezes on Squidward] ...very allergic to tulips. Anyway, are you ready to go?
  • Squidward: Go where?
  • SpongeBob: To dinner, silly.
  • Squidward: Oh, right! I'll get my car. [arrives with his boat] Hop in! [SpongeBob clears his throat] What?
  • SpongeBob: [regular voice] A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.
  • Squidward: [opens the door] Oh, where are my manners!? [SpongeBob gets in, and Squidward buckles his seatbelt] Alrighty, so... [SpongeBob is struggling with his seatbelt] Can I help you with that?
  • SpongeBob: No, no, I've got it!
  • Squidward: [takes the seatbelt and buckles it] Would you get- There!
  • SpongeBob: Ah, snug.
  • Squidward: Uh-huh. Can we go now?
  • SpongeBob: Yes.
  • Squidward: Great.
  • SpongeBob: Right after I tinkle. [unbuckles seatbelt, walks inside, and rings a bell before returning to the car] Oh good thing i went, i don’t think i would’ve made it to the restaurant. Is something wrong Squidward?
  • Squidward: No! Just hungry that’s all.
  • SpongeBob: Great, well I know a fabulous place! Just head this way.
  • Squidward: Wonderful.
  • SpongeBob: Okay now at this stop sign turn right.
  • Squidward: Okay.
  • SpongeBob: Now at this light make a right.
  • Squidward: Gotcha.
  • SpongeBob: Now at this street here make a right. And at this intersection here make a right, and then park right near the orange building just up ahead. Ooh! We're here!
  • Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?
  • SpongeBob: Oh why, thank you, Mr. Squidward! [regular voice] Way to compliment the date, Squidward.
  • [Bubble transition]
  • SpongeBob: Now, it's the chit-chat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.
  • Squidward: Oh... Um... Chit-chat... Can you believe this weather we're having?
  • SpongeBob: Okay, good effort, but you might want to start with something more personal. A woman may like to talk about her day, for example. She may want to talk about her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, or talk about how I was nearly late for our date because I couldn't decide what to wear, and then I didn't really have enough cash to give the lady at the nail salon. [shows SpongeBob's red painted nails]
  • Squidward: Urrgh!
  • Patrick: [clears throat] Dinner is served.
  • SpongeBob: Oh! I'm famished! [Patrick gives SpongeBob and Squidward a plate of meatloaf.]
  • Patrick: [to Squidward] Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.
  • SpongeBob: Now this is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette.
  • SpongeBob: [female voice] Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? [Squidward tries to pass the kelp, but Patrick gives it to him]
  • Patrick: [Passes kelp to SpongeBob] Here you go, ma'am!
  • SpongeBob: Oh thank you, sir!
  • Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the cutesy eye!
  • Squidward: Oh, no you don't, Patrick! You cannot just barge across like this! SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date!
  • Patrick: [to SpongeBob] So, do you hang out here often?
  • SpongeBob: Well, this is my home, silly. [giggles]
  • Squidward: Excuse me, but how is this supposed to help me with my real date? [looks at watch] Which, by the way begins in five minutes. [walks down stairs angrily mumbling]
  • SpongeBob: [regular voice] Squidward, wait! We haven't covered... [gets lipstick] We haven't covered all the tenants of Dating 101 yet! [trips and falls downstairs, and bumps into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the door] As I was saying... I, I would like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date. [The door melts off Squidward, who becomes angry] Such as...
  • [Squidward grabs SpongeBob’s mouth]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?
  • SpongeBob: Um, Squidward..
  • Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you, you annoying, insignificant, waste of my time!
  • SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Don't interrupt me! And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me! ‘Cause you and I, we are not friends! And never will be.
  • SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date?
  • [Squidward walks and sees Squilvia]
  • Squidward: Um, you saw that, didn't you?
  • Squilvia: Oh, only all of it.
  • Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute, which, ironically, is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?
  • Squilvia: Not exactly.
  • Squidward: Huh?
  • Squilvia: I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly is totally dreamy. Let's go eat!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy!
  • [Squilvia pulls Squidward away so they can go eat]
  • SpongeBob: Have fun, you two! SquarePants, your work here is done.
  • Patrick: [dressed as a woman] Not quite! I was promised a movie, and some plastic popcorn.