Squidward:[singing his vintage, "la-da-dee, la-da-do, la-da-dum] 20 minutes in the bath seems like enough. [has wrinkly hands][sighs in excitement] Another day! [groans] Another day.
SpongeBob:[falls down the stairs like in "Missing Identity"] Ready for work! [walks to Squidward] Good morning, Squidward, I... [spots he's still wearing his underwear][gasps] Not ready for work! [falls down the stairs again like in "Missing Identity"]
SpongeBob:[runs up to Squidward] Thanks for waiting, Squidward.
Squidward: I wasn't waiting.
SpongeBob:[laughs] I was in such a hurry, I almost forgot my pants.
Squidward: Yes, I saw that.
SpongeBob: I guess I was in a panic, I mean I can't believe we're running so late for work, and you, huh, Squidward, can you believe it, are you panicking too? Late for work, late for work, we're running late for work, right?
Squidward: Late? We're gonna be there fifteen minutes early!
SpongeBob: I know, only fifteen minutes early? Maybe we should take a shortcut! [Squidward stops moving] [SpongeBob gasps] Squidward, what are you doing?! [SpongeBob tries to get Squidward to move, and falls onto the ground trying to do so]
Squidward: SpongeBob, look. [pointing to the Krusty Krab] We're walking in a straight line.
SpongeBob: I don't follow.
Squidward: A straight line is the shortest distance between any two points!
SpongeBob: Speak English, brainiac! [laughs]
Squidward: Well, see, you have point A [draws a red A in the sky], where you start, and then there's point... [Squidward draws curved lines in the sky] point...[erasing everything he wrote] I don't even know what I'm talking about!
SpongeBob:[the A falls on SpongeBob's tongue] Mmm, strawberry!
[bubble transition][SpongeBob looks down on his clock]
SpongeBob's Clock: Tick!
SpongeBob: Oh no, now we're only going to be 14 minutes early for work! [running in circles frantically] Oh, there's got to be a shortcut around here somewhere!
Squidward: Oh, for the last time [drawing the straight line again] straight line, point A, there's no shortcut!
SpongeBob: There is always a shortcut!
Squidward: What moron told you that?
Patrick:[walking by] There's always a shortcut!
SpongeBob:[SpongeBob puts on an explorer hat] Squidward, I am going to find that shortcut!
Squidward: Look, the Krusty Krab is right at the end of the block!
[exterior shot of the Krusty Krab with Mr. Krabs outside]
Mr. Krabs: Yoo-hoo!
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. I'm just going to struggle through the rest of this walk, alone.
SpongeBob: Well, I guess this is where we part ways. But I can't wait to see your face when you get to work and I'm already there! [laughs] That's the face! That's the look! [laughs as Squidward walks to the Krusty Krab][SpongeBob runs off the road to find the "shortcut"][singing while going through many landmarks] First you do a zig, then you take a little zag, that's how find you a shortcut! Crawl underneath the fence, struggle through a bush, and that's how you find a shortcut! [notices Squidward] Huh?
Squidward: Straight line, point A to point B. You're still not getting it.
SpongeBob: Oh, tartar sauce! Maybe I should've zagged when I zigged! [singing again, going through more landmarks] First you do a zag, crawl underneath the fence, then you take a little zig, that's how you find a shortcut! [laughs] There, that's better. [SpongeBob notices he's in a darker part of town][laughs nervously] Now this is what I call a real great shortcut. Now all I have to do is remember my wilderness training so I don't get lost! [SpongeBob imagines of what Sandy said to him]
Sandy:[in a thought bubble] First rule of wilderness training, is map out your course, by taking note of local landmarks!
[SpongeBob's imagination bubble disappears]
SpongeBob: Local landmarks... [SpongeBob looks left and right spotting local landmarks] A-ha! [pointing to a large and unusual shell] Right at this large and unusual shell. [the creature under the shell emerges and walks away] Right at this abandoned sofa, and jog left at the broken fire hydrant. [SpongeBob spots what appears to be the sign to the Krusty Krab] There it is, the Krusty Krab! [SpongeBob climbs over the fence to see it]
[the scene transitions to the real Krusty Krab, where we see various still images of the inside of the restaurant until we see Squidward relaxing]
Squidward: Ahhhh.... [Mr. Krabs appears]
Mr. Krabs: Well, look at this. Lazing about. [in a mocking voice] Can I get you anything else, another pillow, maybe? A cappuccino machine?
Squidward: No thanks, I got one! [Squidward pours himself a mug of cappuccino with an image of his face in it] Perfect. No customers. No SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, for kelp sake. You're a lost cause.
[the scene transitions back to SpongeBob, where SpongeBob finds what he thinks is the Krusty Krab. He comes right up to it]
SpongeBob:[gasps] The Krabby Krust?! [SpongeBob notices a guy painting signs] Is that the name of a restaurant?
Sal: No, it's a typo.
SpongeBob: Could you perhaps tell me how to get to the Krusty Krab from here?
Sal: Never heard of it.
SpongeBob: Oh, you should try it! It's the best place to eat in all of Bikini Bottom! [SpongeBob hands the fish coupons] Here, take this coupons!
Sal: Thanks! I'm going to go there right now! [the fish hands his paintbrush to SpongeBob and drives away in his truck]
SpongeBob: I thought you didn't know where the Krusty Krab was! Oh, what do I do now? [cries][SpongeBob imagines Sandy again, who is hammering a tent to the ground. When Sandy talks to him, SpongeBob stops crying]
Sandy:[in thought bubble] Remember, your landmarks!
[SpongeBob's imagination bubble disappears]
SpongeBob: Sandy's wilderness tips are always on the money! [SpongeBob goes back the way he came] Okay, let's see, I came from...no, I came... [running in circles] I'M LOST! [screams, until he spots the broken fire hydrant he previously saw] Hey, there's one of my landmarks! The broken fire hydrant! [sits down near the hydrant] Hello, hydrant! I'm going to call you Heidi. Heidi the Hydrant! [SpongeBob notices many broken fire hydrants] So many broken fire hydrants. What do I do now, Heidi? If only I could telephone Squidward. He'd help me out. [sees a payphone] Hey, that thing looks kind of like a phone. [walks to it] Wow, this is weird. It's like a phone, but you put money in it. [shakes himself upside down; a dime falls out] My last dime. [picks up phone] I hope this works. [puts dime in coin slot. The cash register phone rings at the Krusty Krab. Squidward groans and answers it]
Squidward: Krusty Krab. May I reluctantly help you?
SpongeBob: It's me, Squidward. SpongeBob. I'm calling from the payphone.
Squidward: You don't say. How's that shortcutting going?
SpongeBob: Not good. I think I took a wrong turn at the abandoned sofa. All there is around here are broken fire hydrants. What should I do?! [beep from the phone]
Operator: If you'd like to continue this call, please insert another dime.
SpongeBob: I don't have a dime! Operator, please, please, can you tell me where I am?
Operator: If you'd like to know where you are, please insert another dime.
SpongeBob: Uh, hold on! [SpongeBob runs to the abandoned sofa, where three tough-looking fish are sitting on it drinking sodas (the main one sitting in the center, Scott, resembles Harold). He digs his hands under the cushions, and finds two nickels] Two nickels! I need a dime! Oh, I'm never going to get to work!
Scott: What are ya doing?
SpongeBob: Looking for a dime in this abandoned sofa!
Scott: This is our abandoned sofa, pal!
[Scott and the fish to the left of him, who resembles Scooter, give off mean looks to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: What ya doing there, drinking soda?
Scott: What's it tooya!
SpongeBob: Isn't it a little early to be hitting the high-fructose corn-syrup?
Scott:[he and the fish to the right of him, who resembles Charlie, give off surprised looks. Scott gets off the sofa and approaches SpongeBob] Hey, listen! I know this gigantic soda isn't good for me, but sometimes it gives me the kick I need to start my busy day as a pedicab driver!
SpongeBob: Ooh, you drive a pedicab?
Scott: Yes, sir! [Scott puts on a pedicab driver's hat and grabs his pedicab, which SpongeBob gets into] You need a ride somewhere?
SpongeBob: Yes! To the Krusty Krab, and step on it! [Scott drives away]
Scooter: Way to go, Scott!
Charlie: Yeah, he's almost saved enough to attend a community college next year! [he and Scooter clench their soda together and continue to drink them]
[Scott drops SpongeBob off at what appears to be the Krusty Krab again]
SpongeBob:[gets off of the pedicab] Thanks a lot, Scott! Stay in school! [SpongeBob notices the sign] Krusty Klam?! [gasps] Wait, Scott, come back! [Scott drives away, leaving SpongeBob behind] TARTER SAUCE!!! [SpongeBob begins frantically running, and checks his clock]
SpongeBob's Clock: Tock!
SpongeBob: No! Over the cliff! [jumps off the cliff into the muck] Through the toxic runoff! [runs through a sewer pipe] Make a right at the disease-filled sewer pipe! [SpongeBob slides out of the sewer pipe] Face-first into this fetid muck! Over the garbage pile! Fall down this mountain of broken glass! Over the excruciatingly sharp razor-wire! [SpongeBob falls down with wires attached to him] Up this massive hill! [SpongeBob grows so tired he falls down flat on his face] That's...the Krusty Krab! And I'm still 2 minutes early! [SpongeBob crawls his way to the Krusty Krab][SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab]I made it! I made it! [SpongeBob hugs two customers] Oh, random Krusty Krab patrients! How I've missed out! [SpongeBob jumps onto an old fish's lap and kisses her] Oh, how I've missed your youthful faces! [the scene then cuts to outside the bathroom with SpongeBob in it] I missed the bathroom, too! [two fish come running out screaming][SpongeBob approaches a fish choking on his Krabby Patty] But most of all, I missed you, choking guy! [SpongeBob hugs the choking fish who spits out his chewed-up Krabby Patty, which lands on Patrick's Krabby Patty][SpongeBob notices Patrick] Patrick? How did you get here?
Patrick: Same way I always do. Scott gave me a ride in his pedicab. [Scott, in his pedicab, appears outside and winks]
SpongeBob:[SpongeBob notices Squidward] Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?! [Old Man Jenkins appears to be hanging from the razor-wires on SpongeBob, and groans]
Squidward: Congratulations. [Mr. Krabs appears]
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, boy?! You're scaring all me customers with your foul stench!
SpongeBob:[hugs Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs:[pushes SpongeBob off of him] Oh no, lad, you're not coming in here looking like that! [shot of SpongeBob looking like a wreck] You're going straight home for a nice long bubble bath! [Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob outside]
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, sir!
Squidward: What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing!
Mr. Krabs: Yes it is. And consequently, you are just neat as a pin! Now get to work!
Squidward: I'm as neat as a pin? I'll show you neat as a pin! [Squidward runs outside, and gets himself dirty by rolling in dirt, ripping off his shirt, and pouring dirt on his head] Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?! [Mr. Krabs sprays Squidward with a hose]
Mr. Krabs: There you go! [a truck passes by and drives over a puddle, spraying Squidward, who is already laying in the puddle, with more water] Now get to work! [Sal exits out of his truck]
Sal: Uh, you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free!"
Mr. Krabs: Oh no! It says "Buy one for a fee!"
Sal: Oh! I stand corrected! [Mr. Krabs and Sal walk offscreen, leaving Squidward in the puddle, as the episode ends]