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Squidward:(At register) Ahhh, yes, just how I like it......nice and empty. (Looks around at empty restaurant)
Old Man Jenkins: (Sitting at a table) Hey, I'm still here. (Waves)
Squidward: Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty. (Looks around then sits down at the register. Presses a button revealing a slot with a pillow. Pulls down a picture of an island and turns on a fan. Drinks a drink and relaxed.
Jimmy: Do you work here? (looking over register)
Squidward:(Spits his drink. Sighs) Welcome to the Krusty-- (Sees large line of people and gasps) Well, there goes my nap. Multiple orders up! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Where are you! You need to get out here and make those Krabby Patties. (Looking for SpongeBob in the kitchen. SpongeBob starts laughing from inside a barrel. Squidward looks through barrel hole. SpongeBob is writing in book. Squidward grumbles, sticks a megaphone into the hole) SPONGEBOB!!! (SpongeBob comes out of the megaphone like liquid) Get it together, SpongeBob. The dining room is full of ravenous customers. (Customers making monkey noises, chewing on things, and swinging from ropes)
SpongeBob:(In liquid form, goes to the storage freezer and comes back out with a stack of patties) I got it. (Spins like a tornado throwing the patties onto the grill. Presses button on spatula twice that makes it fold out to have triple length. Flips 3 patties and whistles)
Squidward: Hmm, what was that imbecile doing in there? (Looking at barrel. Pulls out book) An old book?
SpongeBob:(Looks back scared) Nothing. (Takes book from Squidward and places it between the fryers)
Squidward: What's going on here?
(SpongeBob gets all the patties into a stack and puts ingredients inside of himself. Jumps out to the dining area where he jumps onto the ceiling and shoots out Krabby Patties to the customers)
Customers: Thank you! (Waving to SpongeBob. They takes bites and gives thumbs up to each other. SpongeBob continues to shoot out Krabby Patties. Customers clap)
Old Man Jenkins: Excuse me. I wanted pickles on mine. (SpongeBob taps head twice, shooting pickles onto Krabby Patty)
(Squidward looks out from the kitchen to the main area of the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: Hmmm. (Picks up book from between the fryers) If SpongeBrain is keeping the book away from me, then I have no choice but to read it. (SpongeBob walks in to kitchen)
SpongeBob: I'll take that, thank you. (Takes book)
(SpongeBob is sitting on top of a barrel writing in the diary)
Squidward:(Looking through kitchen window with his nose hanging over) There he goes again. Scribbling away in that little book. (Turns back around) I must admit, my curiosity is piqued. I guess I'm "piqued" to "peek" at that book. (Laughs. Drums sound ba-dum-tss. Sighs) Oh, puns. (Wipes away tears from laughing)
Old Man Jenkins:(Sitting at a table) Ha.
Squidward:(Holding brown bag) Hey SpongeBob, you need to make a delivery.
SpongeBob:(Closes diary, sits it down, and turns towards Squidward) Okie-dokie!
Squidward: The address is on the bag.
SpongeBob: I got it. (Walks out of kitchen)
Squidward:(Whistles and walks to the diary. Picks up the diary and gasps) It's a diary! Oh-ho-ho. This is gonna be good. Huh? Drat, it's locked. (Tries to pry lock open) Hmm. I need a hairpin. (Mr. Krabs is in his office writing on paper. Squidward reaches behind him and pulls out a hairpin. Mr. Krabs' hair puffs out into an afro. Squidward unlocks the lock with the pin. Opens the diary, it glows and heavenly choir sings) And now...the diary of a moron.
SpongeBob: "Dear diary, what an amazing day I've..."
(Fades into SpongeBob narrating he story) ...day I've had. (Phone ringing) This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. (Answers phone) He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. (Phone growls at SpongeBob. Walks to Squidward's house) He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. (Knocks on door. Squidward answers and holds of Gary angrily. Gary is chewing on something. Squidward shoves Gary to SpongeBob.) Specifically, what not to feed them. (Squidward holds up record album that now reads "Sole Jazz" and throws it at SpongeBob) The list was very thorough. (Squidward holds up torn shirt on hanger then a picture of his mother with a bite taken out of it) Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. (Squidward throws picture on ground and jumps on it) It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- (Squidward yelling in SpongeBob's face) Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intentioned those words are. (Squidward point and poking SpongeBob angrily) Knowing I have a tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. (Gary bites Squidward's hand. Squidward punts SpongeBob) And I was hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year, (SpongeBob lands at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs unlocks the front door) cleaning day! (SpongeBob mopping, Mr. Krabs reading the paper) Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, (SpongeBob scrubbing floor) and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. (Mr. Krabs using SpongeBob as chimney sweep) Ah yes, cleaning day.
Squidward: Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
SpongeBob:(Knocks on door) Well, I don't know. Something about this delivery address doesn't seem right. (SpongeBob is at a dumpster. Gasps) Wait a minute. Squidward! He must have been the victim of a prank phone call. Poor Squidward. He can be so gullible. (SpongeBob sets the delivery in the dumpster)
Patrick:(Comes up from inside the dumpster) Oh, boy! (Looks in bag) A ketchup packet! That'll go great on this old diaper. (Holds up ketchup and diaper)
SpongeBob:(Back at the Krusty Krab. Chuckles) Oh, Squidward! You are gonna laugh when you hear what I've...been. (Squidward crouches down to hide) Squidward? Where are you? Could have swore I just saw him.
Squidward: (nervously sweating) SpongeBob, uh, one of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet, and I need you to fish it out. (Holds up plunger and hanger)
SpongeBob:(Takes hanger and plunger) Duty calls.
(Squidward takes diary out from inside his hat. Opens it, turns the page, and laughs. His laugh turns into a cough as he sees a large customer at the register)
Customer #2: You laughing at me?
Squidward: What? Oh, no. No, no, no. I was just reading what SpongeBob wrote in his diary. It's hilarious.
Customer #2: Reading somebody else's diary—that's terrible! Tell me more!
Squidward: It says here, when SpongeBob see plaid, he has the uncontrollable urge to cluck like a chicken. (Both laugh)
Mr. Krabs:(Now at the register) Did somebody say plaid? Why I'm a plaid enthusiast. (Wearing kilt) I just got me new kilt today.
Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob. Can you come here, please.
SpongeBob:(Walks out of restroom with tire, umbrella, guitar, anchor, and Old Man Jenkins) I couldn't find that watch anywhere. All I found was this stuff--
Old Man Jenkins: I fell in.
SpongeBob: And that guy.
Squidward: What do you think of Mr. Krab's new plaid kilt?
SpongeBob: P-p-p-p-plaid? (SpongeBob's face doubles with 2 mouths. He throws all the stuff)
Old Man Jenkins: Hey! (SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken and crows like a rooster)
Mr. Krabs: Well, you don't have to be nasty about it! (Squidward and Customer #2 laugh)(SpongeBob still clucking)
SpongeBob:(SpongeBob slaps himself) Avert your eyes, SquarePants. (Covers eyes) I have to take my break! (Runs through the kitchen out back. Pulls out bubble soap. Blows bubbles. Sighs)
Squidward:(Reading to customers) Listen to this—SpongeBob has names his spatula "Fifi." (Customers all laugh)
Henry-Bart: He named his spatula Fifi.
Nat: He named his spatula Fifi. (Telling customer behind him. Customers laugh) What kind of name is Fifi?
Patrick:(Laughing loudly) Who ever heard of naming a spatula Fifi? It's a girl's name! Right, Frank? (Holds up his own Spatula)
SpongeBob:(Walks out of kitchen holding spatula) I'm back from my break. Any orders, Squidward?
Patrick: Yeah, cook me up a Krabby Patty...with good old Fifi.
SpongeBob:(Gasps) Oh, sure thing. (Runs to kitchen) Fifi, how did Patrick know your name? Have you been talking?
Squidward: Oh, oh, this is the best one yet. Get this. "If I hear the Bikini Bottom Municipal Anthem, I can't help but take off all my clothes and dance around in my underwear!" (Everyone laughs) Quiet, quiet, quiet. Watch this. (Pulls out radio and plays the anthem)(SpongeBob Calmly throws spatula and takes off clothes. He dances around. Everyone laughs and the music stops)
SpongeBob: My... DIARY!!!! Squidward! How could you?! (Cries and runs into the dining area with everyone laughing at him. Runs into Mr. Krabs, clucks like a chicken again, continues crying, and runs out the door)
Nat: That was that little dude's diary? (Door slams)
Customers:(overlapping murmuring) That is not okay. That was uncool.
Mr. Krabs: That's low, Squidward...even for you. You'd better apologize.
Squidward:(Scoffs) He'll get over it. (SpongeBob crying outside of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is scatting and humming. He pulls out an umbrella as he walks by SpongeBob crying)
Paperboy: Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. (Holding up newspaper)
Squidward: Oh boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. (Cover of paper shows sad photo of SpongeBob. Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him.) Taxi! (Waving, a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires, approaching him.)
Driver: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.
Squidward: Yes, I am. (Leaving in an angry attitude after hearing tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking)
Abigail-Marge: Diary thief!
John: Secret stealer!
Sadie: Billy, you stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
Squidward: Morons. (At his front door)
Quincy: Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. (Holds up load papers) We are repossessing your house.
Quincy: Take it away, boys! (House is lifted away with a crane. Thunder crashes and it starts to rain. Squidward puts up his umbrella and gets hit by lightning.)
Squidward: Ow! (Squidward now laying on a bench with newspapers over his body. The papers blow away.)
Officer Nancy:(taps Squidward on head with club with her partner, Officer John) Hey, you can't sleep here, fella. (Horn honks) Wait a second, you're that diary reader! I had a diary once. My brother read it! I had a brother once! Come on, fella! We have a special place for people like you! (Squidward is locked in a pillory)
Patrick: Diary reader! (He throws a tomato at Squidward.)
Squidward: What!? You read it too!
Patrick: Oh, sure, blame everyone but yourself. Oh, that is so you. (Throws tomato at Squidward and walks away. Squidward grunts)
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward. How's it going?
Squidward: SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.
SpongeBob: What for?
Squidward: For reading your diary.
SpongeBob: Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published. It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you. (Holds up book titled "SpongeBob's Diary") Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary. (Hold of diary titled "My Secret Personal Diary" with a unicorn, smiley face, heart, and rainbow in it) Now, that would have been really embarrassing.
Nat: There he is! That diary reader! (Group of fish holding tomatoes) Let's get him!
Crowd: Yeah! (Shouting angrily at Squidward)
SpongeBob: People, people. Stop your assault. Through my art, as an author, I have forgiven Squidward.
Nat: Oh yeah, did you know he's reading your personal diary? (Squidward laughs)
SpongeBob: Squidward! How could you?! (SpongeBob bursts into tears then runs away again. After SpongeBob runs away, the crowd throws tomatoes at Squidward yelling at him.)
Squidward: I don't care. This is so worth it! (Squidward laughs.)