Squidward:[At register] Ahhh, yes, just how I like it... nice and empty. [looks around at the empty restaurant]
Old Man Jenkins:[Sitting at a table] Hey, I'm still here. [Waves]
Squidward: Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty. [Looks around then sits down at the register. Presses a button revealing a slot with a pillow. Pulls down a picture of an island and turns on a fan. Drinks a drink and is relaxed]
Jimmy: Do you work here? [looking over register]
Squidward:[Spits his drink. Sighs] Welcome to the Krusty-- Wha-What the! [Sees the large line of people and gasps] Well, there goes my nap. Multiple orders up! Sponge... Bob! SpongeBob! Where are you! You need to get out here and make those Krabby Patties. [Looking for SpongeBob in the kitchen. SpongeBob starts laughing from inside a barrel. Squidward looks through the barrel hole. SpongeBob is writing in a book. Squidward grumbles and sticks a megaphone into the hole] SPONGEBOB! [SpongeBob comes out of the megaphone like liquid] Get it together, SpongeBob. The dining room is full of ravenous customers. [Customers making monkey noises, chewing on things, and swinging from ropes]
SpongeBob:[In liquid form, goes to the storage freezer and comes back out with a stack of patties] I got it. [Spins like a tornado throwing the patties onto the grill. Presses button on spatula twice that makes it fold out to have triple length. Flips 3 patties and whistles]
Squidward: Hmm, what was that imbecile doing in there? [Looking at the barrel. Pulls out book] An old book?
SpongeBob:[Looks back scared] Nothing.
[Takes book from Squidward and places it between the fryers]
Squidward: What's going on here?
[SpongeBob gets all the patties into a stack and puts ingredients inside of himself. Jumps out to the dining area where he jumps onto the ceiling and shoots out Krabby Patties to the customers]
Customers: Thank you! [Waving at SpongeBob. They take bites and give thumbs up to each other. SpongeBob continues to shoot out Krabby Patties. Customers clap once again]
Old Man Jenkins: Excuse me. I wanted pickles on mine. [SpongeBob taps his head twice, shooting pickles onto Krabby Patty]
[Squidward looks out from the kitchen to the main area of the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Hmmm. [Picks up book from between the fryers] If SpongeBrain is keeping the book away from me, then I have no choice but to read it. [SpongeBob walks into kitchen]
SpongeBob: I'll take that, thank you. [Takes book]
[SpongeBob is sitting on top of a barrel writing in the diary]
Squidward:[Looking through the kitchen window with his nose hanging over] There he goes again, scribbling away in that little book. [Turns back around] I must admit, my curiosity is peaked... I guess I'm "peaked" to "peek" at that book. [Laughs. a rimshot is heard. Sighs] Oh, puns. [Wipes away tears from laughing]
Old Man Jenkins:[Sitting at a table] Ha.
Squidward:[Holding brown bag] Hey SpongeBob, you need to make a delivery.
SpongeBob:[Closes diary, sets it down, and turns towards Squidward] Okie-Dokie!
Squidward: The address is on the bag.
SpongeBob: I got it. [Walks out of kitchen]
Squidward:[Whistles and walks to the diary. Picks up the diary and gasps] It's a diary! Oh-ho-ho. This is gonna be good. Huh? Drat, it's locked. [Tries to pry lock open] Hmm. I need a hairpin. [Mr. Krabs is in his office writing on paper. Squidward reaches behind him and pulls out a hairpin. Mr. Krabs' hair puffs out into an afro. Squidward unlocks the lock with the pin, opens the diary, watching it glow and a heavenly choir singing] And now... the diary of a moron. [Reading diary]
SpongeBob: "Dear diary, what an amazing day I've..." [Fades into SpongeBob narrating he story] ...day I've had. [Phone ringing] This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. [Answers phone] He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. [Phone growls at SpongeBob. Walks to Squidward's house] He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. [Knocks on the door. Squidward answers and holds Gary angrily. Gary is chewing. Squidward shoves Gary to SpongeBob] Specifically, what not to feed them. [Squidward holds up a record album that reads "Sole Jazz" and throws it at SpongeBob] The list was very thorough. [Squidward holds up a torn shirt on hanger, then a picture of his mother with a bite taken out of it] Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. [Squidward throws picture on ground and jumps on it] It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- [Squidward yelling in SpongeBob's face] Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intentioned those words are. '[(Squidward points and pokes SpongeBob angrily] Knowing I have a tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. [Gary bites Squidward's hand. Squidward punts SpongeBob] And I was hurried along to work, where I arrived only a hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year, [SpongeBob lands at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs unlocks the front door] cleaning day! [SpongeBob mopping, Mr. Krabs reading the paper] Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, [SpongeBob scrubbing floor] and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. [Mr. Krabs using SpongeBob as chimney sweep] Ah yes, cleaning day. [Narration ends]
Squidward: Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
SpongeBob:[Knocks on door] Well, I don't know. Something about this delivery address doesn't seem right. [SpongeBob is at a dumpster. Gasps] Wait a minute. Squidward! He must have been the victim of a prank phone call. Poor Squidward. He can be so gullible. [SpongeBob sets the delivery in the dumpster]
Patrick:[Comes up from inside the dumpster] Oh, boy! [Looks in bag] A ketchup packet! That'll go great on this old diaper. [Holds up ketchup and diaper]
SpongeBob:[Back at the Krusty Krab. Chuckles] Oh, Squidward! You are gonna laugh when you hear what I've... been. [Squidward crouches down to hide] Squidward? Where are you? Could have sworn I just saw him.
Squidward:(nervously sweating) SpongeBob, uh, one of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet, and I need you to fish it out. [Holds up plunger and hanger]
SpongeBob:[Takes hanger and plunger] Duty calls.
[Squidward takes diary out from inside his hat. Opens it, turns the page, and laughs. His laugh turns into a cough as he sees a large customer at the register]
Customer #2: You laughing at me?
Squidward: What? Oh, no. No, no, no. I was just reading what SpongeBob wrote in his diary. It's hilarious.
Customer #2: Reading somebody else's diary—that's terrible! Tell me more!
Squidward: It says here, when SpongeBob see plaid, he has the uncontrollable urge to cluck like a chicken. [Both laugh]
Mr. Krabs:[Now at the register] Did somebody say plaid? Why I'm a plaid enthusiast. [Wearing kilt] I just got me new kilt today.
Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob. Can you come here, please?
SpongeBob:[Walks out of the restroom with a tire, umbrella, guitar, anchor, and Old Man Jenkins] I couldn't find that watch anywhere. All I found was this stuff--
Old Man Jenkin: I fell in.
SpongeBob: And that guy.
Squidward: What do you think of Mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt?
SpongeBob: P-p-p-p-plaid? [SpongeBob's face doubles with 2 mouths. He throws everything]
Old Man Jenkins: Hey! [SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken and crows like a rooster]
Mr. Krabs: Well, you don't have to be nasty about it!
[Squidward and Customer #2 laugh. SpongeBob is still clucking]
SpongeBob:[SpongeBob slaps himself] Avert your eyes, SquarePants. [Covers eyes] I have to take my break! [Runs through the kitchen out the back. Pulls out bubble soap and blows bubbles. Sighs]
Squidward:[Reading to customers] Listen to this — SpongeBob has named his spatula "Fifi."
[Customers all laugh]
Henry-Bart: He named his spatula Fifi.
Nat: He named his spatula Fifi. [Telling customers behind him. Customers laugh] What kind of name is Fifi?
Patrick:[Laughing loudly] Who ever heard of naming a spatula Fifi? It's a girl's name! Right, Frank? [Holds up his own spatula]
SpongeBob:[Walks out of the kitchen holding spatula] I'm back from my break. Any orders, Squidward?
Patrick: Yeah, cook me up a Krabby Patty... with good old Fifi.
SpongeBob:[Gasps] Oh, sure thing. [Runs to kitchen] Fifi, how did Patrick know your name? Have you been talking?
Squidward: Oh, oh, this is the best one yet. Get this: "If I hear the Bikini Bottom Municipal Anthem, I can't help but take off all my clothes and dance around in my underwear!" [Everyone laughs] Quiet, quiet, quiet. Watch this. [Pulls out radio and plays the anthem][SpongeBob calmly throws spatula and takes off clothes wearing only his underwear. He dances around. Everyone laughs and the music stops. SpongeBob looks over at Squidward]
SpongeBob: My... DIARY! Squidward! How could you?! [Cries and runs into the dining area with everyone laughing at him. Runs into Mr. Krabs, clucks like a chicken again, continues crying, and runs out the door]
Nat: That was that little dude's diary? [Door slams]
Customers:[Overlapping murmuring] That is not okay. That was uncool.
Mr. Krabs: That's low, Squidward... even for you. You'd better apologize.
Squidward:[Scoffs] He'll get over it.
[SpongeBob crying outside of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is scatting and humming. He pulls out an umbrella as he walks by SpongeBob crying]
Newspaper Boy: Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads the diary, local fry cook devastated. [Holding up newspaper]
Squidward: Oh boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. [Cover of paper shows a sad photo of SpongeBob. Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him] Taxi! [Waving, a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires, approaching him]
Driver: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.
Squidward: Yes, I am. [Driving away in an angry attitude after hearing tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking]
Abigail-Marge: Diary thief!
John: Secret stealer!
Sadie: Billy, you stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
Squidward: Morons. [At his front door]
Quincy: Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. [Holds up loan papers] We are repossessing your house.
Quincy: Take it away, boys! [House is lifted away with a crane. Thunder crashes and it starts to rain. Squidward puts up his umbrella and gets hit by lightning]
Squidward: Ow! [Squidward now laying on a bench with newspapers over his body. The papers blow away]
Officer Nancy:[Taps Squidward on the head with a club with her partner, Officer John] Hey, you can't sleep here, fella. [Horn honks] Wait a second, you're that diary reader! I had a diary once. My brother read it! I had a brother once! Come on, fella! We have a special place for people like you!
[Squidward is locked in a pillory]
Patrick: Diary reader! [He throws a tomato at Squidward]
Squidward: What!? You read it too!
Patrick: Oh, sure, blame everyone but yourself. Oh, that is so you. [Throws tomato at Squidward and walks away. Squidward grunts]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. How's it going?
Squidward: SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.
SpongeBob: What for?
Squidward: For reading your diary.
SpongeBob: Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published. It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you. [Holds up book titled "SpongeBob's Diary"] Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary. [Holds up a diary titled "My Secret Personal Diary" with a unicorn, smiley face, heart, and rainbow on the cover] Now, that would have been really embarrassing.
Nat: There he is! That diary reader! [Group of fish holding tomatoes show up] Let's get him!
Crowd: Yeah! [Shouting angrily at Squidward]
SpongeBob: People, people. Stop your assault. Through my art, as an author, I have forgiven Squidward.
Nat: Oh yeah, did you know he's reading your personal diary? [Squidward laughs while holding reading the diary]
SpongeBob: Squidward! How could you?!
[SpongeBob bursts into tears, then runs away once again. After SpongeBob runs away, the crowd throws tomatoes at Squidward yelling at him]
Squidward: I don't care. This is so worth it! [Squidward laughs]