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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Life Insurance" from season ten, which aired on March 18, 2017.
  • [The episode begins with SpongeBob sleeping in his bed. His foghorn alarm goes off. SpongeBob falls on Gary. Gary attempts to push him out of the way.]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, I am ripped. [pushed out of the door by Gary. Gary sleeps on SpongeBob's bed.]
  • [SpongeBob walks while brushing teeth, walking in mid-air after the first step down the stairs. SpongeBob suddenly falls and crashes on the wall. A barrel tosses the table, which tosses him into a toaster. Toaster ejects him and he crashes onto his TV]
  • Gunther Fitz: Hey there! Have you recently been involved in an accident? Well, have you?
  • SpongeBob: [gets up] Well, yes. Yes, I have.
  • Gunther Fitz: Well, then you need life insurance!
  • SpongeBob: Life insurance?
  • Gunther Fitz: [hearing SpongeBob through the TV] What? Is this an echo in hear? Do yourself a paper, kiddo. [unwraps a contract] Sign here and you'll be protected!
  • SpongeBob: I... Umm... [tries to find a pen in his underwear, only to find a rubber duck and a bowling ball]
  • Gunther Fitz: [Passes a pen literally through the TV] Here!
  • SpongeBob: Ah! Okay, thanks! [signs contract through the TV screen]
  • Gunther Fitz: And while you're at it, clumsy, why not buy two?
  • SpongeBob: Okay. [signs a second contract, also through the TV screen]
  • Gunther Fitz: [runs off joyfully laughing]
  • [Patrick knocks on the door]
  • SpongeBob: Ooh! [opens door]
  • Patrick!: Hey SpongeBob! [notices SpongeBob in his underwear] You're in your underwear. That's cool. [shoves a large envelope onto SpongeBob's face] I got your mail. What is it?
  • SpongeBob: [pulls out envelope from face] It's my life insurance. I got one for you too!
  • Patrick: Oh boy, life insurance!! [jumps around joyfully] Life insurance, life insurance, life insurance, life insurance! [suddenly stops moving in mid-air] What's life insurance?
  • SpongeBob: I'm not sure, but I think that means for the rest of our lives we are protected. We can't get hurt.
  • Patrick: [stares at the contract, closely chews the contract, then spits out the contract] This contract tastes legitimate, but I don't believe it! [squeezes moist contract]
  • SpongeBob: Well, let's try to get hurt and we'll see.
  • Patrick: Huh. Well finally, something I'm good at!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick playfully pillow-fight]
  • SpongeBob: Remarkable! [Patrick hits him with a pillow] You can hit me all you want... [Patrick hits him with a pillow again] ... yet I can't be damaged! This life insurance is really working.
  • [SpongeBob hits Patrick with a pillow]
  • Patrick: I've become unbreakable!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh. Meanwhile at Squidward's house, Squidward adjusting his toupee.]
  • Squidward: Why I do raise seahorses! [Makes a cool face. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh in the background.] Well, I don't know if I call myself international playboy! [SpongeBob and Patrick still laugh. Squidward gets angry.]
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick pillow-fight.]
  • Squidward: Just what are you two ignorami doing out here?
  • SpongeBob: We're trying to hurt each other.
  • Patrick: Ooh! [Patrick hits Squidward's head with a pillow, thinking the small wig is a sea spider.]
  • Squidward: [angered mumbles]
  • Patrick: You got a sea spider on your head.
  • Squidward: It's not a sea spider, you dope! It's... my hair!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [looks at each other] Hmm... [SpongeBob and Patrick continue hitting each other with pillows as before]
  • Squidward: Wait a second. Hurt each other? Oh, I'm gonna enjoy seeing this.
  • [Patrick and SpongeBob continue hitting each other with pillows, laughing while after each hit.]
  • Squidward: Stop, stop, stop! I thought you said you were trying to hurt each other!
  • SpongeBob: Uh-huh, we're trying.
  • Squidward: Well, you're not gonna do any damage with soft pillows! [throws pillow at Patrick and gives them a rake] Here, try this.
  • Patrick: Okay. [hits Squidward with the rake and sends him flying into his house] Squidward was wrong. Didn't hurt him, just made him disappear.
  • [Patrick throws the rake into Squidward's house. Squidward gets up and looks in the mirror. His toupee is on his nose.]
  • Squidward: Ah! Sea spider! [hits himself with a rake until he falls backwards]
  • SpongeBob: Oh-oh, no, Patrick, I'm slipping...and falling! [screams as he falls off the box] I didn't even break a bone!
  • Patrick: My turn! [stands on one foot, which makes him unbalanced] I'm losing my footing! [falls on the ground] Oof! I've survived a deadly fall unhurt!
  • SpongeBob: Life insurance!
  • Squidward: [shouting] Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
  • SpongeBob: [mimicking Squidward's shouting] What? I can't hear you!
  • Squidward: [shouting] Hi-ya!
  • Patrick: [also mimicking Squidward's shouting] Turn the volume up inside of your voice!
  • Squidward: I said... [suddenly falls off his window and crashes onto the ground]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, what were you yelling?
  • Squidward: I was trying to say that you got to fall from something higher. [his toupee falls off his head]
  • Patrick: Sea spider! [grabs SpongeBob and uses his feet to crush the toupee]
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick standing on top of Patrick's house, blowing their jellyfish whistles. Squidward is blow-drying his toupee until the whistle noises startles him, which sends his toupee flying into his toilet.]
  • Squidward: Ah! My baby!
  • [Squidward retrieves his toupee from the toilet and growls. He stomps over to Patrick's house.]
  • Squidward: Once again, I'm asking, what are you doing?
  • SpongeBob: It's our final test. We're trying to get jellyfish to sting us to prove we can't get hurt.
  • Squidward: What?
  • [Patrick takes out his megaphone, puts his jellyfish whistle in the mouth, and blows it. A large jellyfish appears above them.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh! Me! Me! Sting me! Over here!
  • Patrick: Sting me, sting me, sting me!
  • SpongeBob: Blast me with your venom!
  • Patrick: Zap me with your pain juice!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Sting me, please! Sting me, sting me, sting me!
  • [The jellyfish looms over Squidward.]
  • Squidward: They're the ones asking... [gets zapped by the jellyfish until he is burnt]
  • SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, [puts out flame on his toupee] maybe you should get some life insurance.
  • Squidward: What are you yammering about?
  • SpongeBob: I bought some life insurance for Patrick and myself and now we can never be hurt.
  • Patrick: Yeah! To test out the life insurance, we even built a super dangerous obstacle course across the street! [points to the obstacle course]
  • SpongeBob: We call it, "The Sushi Maker." [thunder claps] Squidward, I think you need this more than I. I would like to present you with my life insurance policy. [hands him his life insurance contract]
  • Patrick: [stuffs his life insurance in Squidward's face] Actually, you better take two, since you kind of a klutz. [falls off of SpongeBob's head]
  • Squidward: Better take two? Life insurance? [growls] You giblet heads! No piece of paper can protect a person from getting hurt!
  • [An anchor drops behind Squidward.]
  • SpongeBob: Yay! It works!
  • Patrick: You're untouchable!
  • Squidward: Oh, that was just a coincidence!
  • [A driver appears driving out of control.]
  • Frankie Billy: Driving's hard!
  • [The driver swerves by three houses and almost hits Squidward.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! Life insurance!
  • SpongeBob: You are magically protected.
  • Patrick: Whoo-hoo!
  • SpongeBob: Whoo!
  • Squidward: Oh, it was just luck! Dumb luck!
  • [A raincloud appears.]
  • Squidward: Look, I'll prove it. You stand here.
  • [Squidward pushes SpongeBob and Patrick away. The cloud zaps them with its lightning bolt.]
  • Squidward: Huh? [cloud disappears] Hmm? Oh.
  • Patrick: Yes!
  • SpongeBob: You see, Squidward? You're immune!
  • Patrick: You can't be hurt!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah! You are a cast-iron Squidward.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Life insurance! Life insurance!
  • Squidward: Wow, I can't believe it, but you two sub-geniuses were right somehow. I can't be broken. I'm indestructible! I am shatterproof! Watch this. [takes off toupee]
  • [Squidward runs over to what appears to be a brick wall.]
  • SpongeBob: What you gonna do, Squidward?
  • Squidward: What does it look like? I'm running into a... [runs through the wall, which appears to be a painting] wall!
  • [Fiasco comes by carrying two buckets of red paint. He notices the hole in the painting.]
  • Fiasco: [gasps] Yes! That's just what it needed! I'll call the painting, "One Hole!" Oh, it's genius!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick run through the painting, making two more holes.]
  • Fiasco: Ugh! Three holes?! That makes no sense! [rips his hair]
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick catch up to Squidward.]
  • Squidward: Did you see that? I ran right through a brick wall. I'm hard as nails! Come on, world! Bring it on! [runs off]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [looks at each other] Hmm...
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick follow Squidward to town. They stop at the corner.]
  • Squidward: Oh, perfect.
  • [A tough guy is eating a sherbet.]
  • Squidward: Pfft. Big tough guy. [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: What are you doing, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Just watch. Enjoying your sherbet, Herbert?
  • Tough Guy: My name's not Herbert.
  • Squidward: Oh, I know it's not. Your name is "Hey." What's your name?
  • [Squidward smacks the sherbet off of the tough guy's hand.]
  • Tough Guy: Hey!
  • Squidward: Told ya! Here, let me help you.
  • [The tough guy tries to hit Squidward. But he ends up hitting himself. The tough falls backwards, completely knocked out.]
  • Squidward: Funny, didn't feel a thing. [goes to lick the sherbet he picked up]
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward, I don't think you should lick that. It's got germs.
  • Squidward: Ha! Germs can't hurt me. Nothing can hurt me!
  • [Squidward licks the germ-infested sherbet, which grosses out SpongeBob. Squidward throws the sherbet on the tough guy's head.]
  • Squidward: As a matter of fact, do you know what I'm gonna do now? I'm gonna run your super dangerous obstacle course. You know why?
  • Patrick: Mm-mmm.
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Squidward: Because now I've got moxie!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [screams] Wait, what's moxie?
  • [The scene changes to Squidward climbing up the obstacle course's latter. He yawns but is about to fall. However, he grabs latter at the last moment. He makes it to the very top and looks down. Everything down there is very small. As SpongeBob and Patrick watch, Mr. Krabs comes in.]
  • Mr. Krabs: What goes on, boyos?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward is gonna try out The Sushi Maker.
  • Mr. Krabs: Why does he want to do that?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Krabs. He's got life insurance. He can't be hurt.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's not how life insurance works.
  • Patrick: It's not?
  • Mr. Krabs: Course not! [shows chalkboard that demonstrates life insurance] Life insurance is money the beneficiary gets when a person dies. By the way, who gets the money?
  • SpongeBob: Well, let's see. [swipes the life insurance from Squidward's pocket] No name here.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hooray! [takes out pen and signs the contract] Eugene H. Krabs. Go, Squidward! [switches to cheerleading outfit] Yay! Fly high! Do or die! Preferably the latter. [chuckles]
  • SpongeBob: D-d-d-d-do or die?! Squidward, come down! You're not invincible! Life insurance is not what you think! You were right! Oh, it was just dumb luck!
  • Patrick: Now I'm yelling too!
  • Squidward: Oh, what are those ninnies going on about now? I can't hear you! Just shut up and watch me! [puts on toupee just as SpongeBob and Patrick shake the latter] Nah—hey!
  • SpongeBob: Come back, Squidward! Don't do this!
  • Squidward: Will you stop shaking it?
  • [Squidward falls off the diving and lands into the tub of boiling lava. He jumps out in pain, hits the spring and flies into a steel wall. He falls onto the spiky conveyor belt's lever, which it turns on. Squidward falls onto the conveyor belt and it takes him to the rolling wheel with sharp corals on it.]
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no!
  • [Squidward gets rolled on by the sharp corals, leaving his face bruised. Squidward gets pummeled by boxing gloves until he becomes liquid. The liquefied Squidward falls onto a chair. Four robotic arms grab him, stretch him and roll him up into a ball. He is placed into a cannon and it fires Squidward fall off into the distance until he hits the high school bell. He falls in front of the front doors just as high school students march out and trample on top of him.]
  • Squidward: Ow...
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, guess what I learned today. Apparently, a life insurance policy doesn't protect a person from injury. Heh, how about that?
  • Squidward: Ha, how 'bout that? [spits out a tooth]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, how did you survive The Sushi Maker?
  • Squidward: [takes off his toupee] It had to be this.
  • SpongeBob: Ah!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Sea spider! [stomp on the toupee]

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