Le Big Switch/transcript

SpongeBob: (Starts with scene of The Krusty Krab zooming in, then we see SpongeBob ringing the bell) Order up right now! Go out there, and bless the taste buds of your lucky connoisseur (blows a kiss then a heart pops up and Squidward accidentally swallows it and starts choking)

Squidward: It went in my mouth! Choking on sentiment! I think I'm poisoned!

SpongeBob: Well okay you sit this one out Squidward, this will be a special delivery from the chef. (talking to customer) For your dining pleasure, 2 double Krabby Patties cooked to perfection complimented by a side of coral bits and a jumbo diet soda, topped off with a little extra love. (reaches into his chest and pulls out a heart and sprinkles some of it on the Krabby Patties. He then Pants) Enjoy your meal! (sighs) It's the little details that they really appreciate, isn't it Squidward?

Squidward: (breathes) Oh yeah, you really touched his life. (cuts to scene of customer eating his Krabby Patties like a pig)

SpongeBob: Nothing beats making quality food for good people with discriminating tastes.

Squidward: Quality food?

SpongeBob: Yeah!

Squidward: Good people?

SpongeBob: Uh-huh. (nods)

Squidward: Discriminating tastes?

SpongeBob: Testify!

Squidward: Doh'! (breathes angrily, then runs up to customer then takes a Krabby Patty) Only pathetic losers with horrible taste would eat this garbage! (Squidward takes away a Krabby Patty, then customer cries. SpongeBob comes and rocks customer like baby and sings fuck a bit a baby)

SpongeBob: Squidward! The Krusty clientele needs to be cuddled and treated with respect. (takes Krabby Patty from Squidward and puts it in customers mouth like a baby bottle) There there. (to Squidward) Mr. Krabs will be ashamed! (Mr. Krabs walks in)

Mr. Krabs: All right you filthy bilge rats!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: You got three seconds to get out of me restaurant before I kick you out! Fine, have it your way! (goes around to the back of the Krusty Krab and starts tipping it and all the customers fall out and then puts it back and walks into the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: What's happening, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Ah, we don't need those losers anymore! I'm turning the restaurant in to one of those fancy frou-frou places! Where they charge big bucks for itsy-bitsy portions!

Squidward: Fancy frou frou?

Mr. Krabs: We're getting a gourmet chef from the chef exchange program and I'm going to raise me prices to the roof! (laughs)

SpongeBob: Chef exchange program?

Mr. Krabs: (stops laughing) Oh. Uh yeah, well you'll be shipped off to some other restaurant somewhere far away from here! Uh details are kinda hazy, but I packed your bags and your bus leaves in five minutes! (bus arrives) Heh, looks like it's early. (kicks SpongeBob on bus and it drives off)

Squidward: It was that easy? All these years? (sniffles) I've underestimated the power of public transportation! (another bus arrives with Le Schnook on it)

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab.

Squidward: Does your middle name happen to be "No SpongeBob within a thousand kilometers of here"? (Mr. Krabs and Squidward laugh)

Le Schnook: I find you disgusting! (they stop laughing) However, my culture dictates that I must kiss you regardless! (kisses Squidward two times then spits two times then does the same for Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: Well, he's just as affectionate as the boy.

Squidward: But the surly attitude he has a step in the right direction! (cuts to scene of the bus dropping off SpongeBob at the Fancy! restaurant. SpongeBob then walks into the kitchen)

Fancy! Head Chef: What is this rubbish?! I would not wipe my own bottom with this! (slaps Paco who is holding a steak) Start over! And this (drinks boiled water then spits it on Paco) I would not wash my own bottom with this after carefully wiping and wiping and wiping! (slaps Paco again) Now go stand in the corner and think about what you have done! And where is my exchange chef?! (Paco walks away sadly)

SpongeBob: Um, right here, sir.

Fancy Head Chef: (laughs) There you are. Bon jour! (kisses SpongeBob two times, Spongebob giggles and the chief slaps him) Now, get to your station and prepare me your best dish! (SpongeBob runs to a pot, puts some ingredients into it then takes out a Krabby Patty and blows a kiss and a heart shows up. The chef then grabs it and crushes it) This is not funny! And I certainly did not exchange my top sous chef for a, how you say, comedian! (puts Krabby Patty in SpongeBob's mouth and then pulls is nose causing him to eat it) Prepare me a gourmet dish, NOW! (SpongeBob runs over to a counter with vegetables on it)

SpongeBob: (starts chopping vegetables) I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... (chops vegetabes into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously) Just warming up. (Chief gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven) Come on, SpongeBob! (whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Chief gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan) Just one egg then... (egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties) No, that's not it, no...

Fancy Head Chef: You are making a mockery of my... (Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it) This taste is fantastic! What do you call it? (he then eats another one)

SpongeBob: A Krabby Patty.

Fancy Head Chef: (is eating more Krabby Patties) The whole world must taste this! (time card then shows up saying "Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab". We then see that it is all decorated fancy)

Mr. Krabs: Hey Squidward, look at this! (holds up a plate with a small fruit on it) We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy (laughs and then Squidward smells it's horrible smell)

Squidward: Oh! What is that?!

Mr. Krabs: I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.

Le Schnook: Ho monsieur! It is the rare fruit of the kazook tree.

Mr. Krabs: So, it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?

Le Schnook: Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.

Mr. Krabs: Shredded gold? (Le Schnook then starts shredding gold. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him) Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?

Le Schnook: Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like this. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients. And eaten with only the finest silverware! While sitting on the finest furniture! (Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair but it is just a billboard) This is not the chair I ordered...

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.

Le Schnook: And this fork of plastic, spray painted to look silver, is it not? I can not prepare food under these conditions! (cuts back to the Fancy! restaurant where there is a big line and everybody is eating a Krabby Patty)

Fancy Head Chief: Monsieur SpongeBob, although it is in direct violation of our chef exchange program rules, let me assure you that these kisses are not merely a formality. They are genuine! (kisses SpongeBob twice) I am sure that this is only the beginning of a long and... (SpongeBob's alarm on his wrist watch rings)

SpongeBob: Well, my time here is up. I am officially a Krusty Krab employee once again! (is about to walk out but the chief stops him)

Fancy Head Chef: I apologize, Monsieur SpongeBob, but you can see that my customers had grown rather fond of your Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob:(SpongeBob gasps) The Krabby Patties, I almost forgot! These babies also belong to the Krusty Krab! (starts taking all the Krabby Patties and putting them in a sack and then puts it in his suitcase) So long! (customers gasp and SpongeBob begins to leave and one customer holds on to his leg)

Customer: Wait, just one more?

SpongeBob: I'm sorry but I've got to go. (all customers hold on to his leg. However he manages to get out. Scene then switches to the Krusty Krab and it is out of business because it went bankrupt. We then see Mr. Krabs crying in his office.)

Mr. Krabs: I'm ruined! Busted! (phone then rings and Mr. Krabs answers it) Hello?

Pearl: (on phone) Daddy, the house is full of burglars. (Mr. Krabs laughs)

Mr. Krabs: No, those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo men. (Mr. Krabs then hangs up and then notices Squidward being held onto by his arms by two men)

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, well you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be staying with these nice gents.

Squidward: You sold me?!

Mr. Krabs: No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.

Man who's holding Squidward: Come on mac! (takes him away)

Squidward: You're pathetic! (Le Schnook then walks in)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Mr. Le Schnook... I lost everything! I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.

Le Schnook: Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So my eats and I are leaving. (hands Mr. Krabs a bill) This is for you.

Mr. Krabs: Is it money?

Le Schnook: It is the bill for my services. (Mr. Krabs unfolds the bill. His eyes become bloodshot, and he is unable to move.)

Man who was holding Squidward: One side, please (Repo men take Mr. Krab's desk and chair away while he is sitting in it, a repo man brings Mr. Krabs back into the restaurant lobby. He is set down on the floor. Mr. Krabs starts crying.)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I've been such a fool! I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had, and it cost me everything!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can still here his sweet little voice.

SpongeBob: (High pitched) Mr. Kra-a-abs?!

Mr. Krabs: Okay, now I'm scared.

SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!!

Mr. Krabs: Darn his cursed mocking voice! I... (notices SpongeBob) SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob me boy. You came back! And you brought customers!

Customers(Simultaneously): (Oh, please, we must have some Krabby Patties. We just adore...) (Please, Krabby Patties...) (Krabby Patties (inaudible), please. Krabby Patties...)(Yay)

Mr. Krabs: (now talking to Squidward) Well Mr. Squidward, all's well that end's well. I got me poor disgusting old clientele back, and rich disgusting new clientele to boot! (Rich woman burps) I'm back in business!

Squidward: Couldn't you at least give them tables to eat on?

Mr. Krabs: Oh no way. See, I've learned that you can't buy customer loyalty with fancy tables, frou-frou food, or even sanitary conditions. Hey get back you, eat your own. (Mr. Krabs throws them a bucket of Krabby Patties, the customers squeal like pigs.) Nope, just good food prepared with love. Ain't that right SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: You got it, Mr. Krabs. (Blows another kiss and Squidward swallows it and starts choking and Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh.) POO!