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Lame and Fortune
Season №: 9
Episode №: 199b
Airdate: July 11, 2016
Previous: "Sold!"
Next: "Goodbye, Krabby Patty?"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Lame and Fortune" from season nine, which aired on July 11, 2016.

  • [the episode opens up on the island of Bikini Atoll, where a rope accidentally rips, decelerating the supply of fortune cookies down to Bikini Bottom]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa, look at that cloud, Gary! It looks just like a giraffe eating ice cream.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Gary, all this cloud-watching is making me hungry too. Ooh, look at that big one, Gary! It's getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and—
  • [SpongeBob gets crushed by the giant box of fortune cookies and rises from the sand]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Gary, that was a pretty heavy cloud.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Gary, it's not a cloud at all.
  • [SpongeBob pushes himself out of the sand]
  • SpongeBob: Let's see what's inside.
  • [SpongeBob then removes a piece of the box and releases all of the fortune cookies]
  • SpongeBob: Whoo, fortune cookies! Vague prophecies baked into delicious bite sized snacks. These cookies can see the future, Gary, which means they knew we were hungry, even before we did. Let's eat!
  • [SpongeBob and Gary begin eating the fortune cookies. SpongeBob opens his fortune and starts reading it]
  • SpongeBob: "A great fortune has fallen upon you." [gasps] Did you hear that Gary, the fortune is true! Let's look at your future. [Gary hands SpongeBob his fortune] "Happy trails will follow you always." [gasps and points] Your fortune came true too!
  • [Gary then looks behind him to gaze at his trail]
  • SpongeBob: Cookies with fortunes that actually come true? We have to share these with everybody!
  • [the scene transitions to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is declining SpongeBob's idea]
  • Mr. Krabs: No, SpongeBob, we are not handing out anything free with every purchase! Even the smiles here cost a nickel.
  • SpongeBob: Aw, why not, Mr. Krabs?
  • Squidward: [chuckles] Because, SpongeBob, fortune cookie fortunes are always lame and they never come true
  • SpongeBob: Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Squidward. These fortune cookies are different, try one. [Hands him the fortune cookie]
  • Squidward: [backs it away] No. [SpongeBob pushes it back to him] Way.
  • [SpongeBob forces Squidward to eat the cookie by controlling his arms and shoving the cookie in his mouth. Squidward then spits out the fortune and begins reading it]
  • Squidward: "You will be rewarded for your particular talent." Right. [Squidward turns around]
  • French Purser: Excuse me Mr. Squidward Tentacles, you have just won the most miserable cashier in Bikini Bottom contest. Here is your cash prize! [Hands Squidward the money and begins celebrating]
  • Squidward: Holy harpoons, the fortune did come true!
  • Mr. Krabs: [snatches the money] Me cash register, me money. [walks away]
  • Squidward: And that's why my depression is award-winning.
  • SpongeBob: [Mr. Krabs shoving money into his pants] Don't you see, Mr. Krabs, the fortunes in those cookies are real. Can't we share them with everyone?
  • Mr. Krabs: [coughs] You know, you're right, SpongeBob. [pledging] We will share these magical macaroons with all the folks in Bikini Bottom. You just leave it to me.
  • SpongeBob: [jumps in excitement] All right!
  • Squidward: [throws confetti] Hooray. [tilts head down]
  • [the scene transitions to Mr. Krabs, who is seen giving a free fortune cookie to his customers] This is how you hook them! [shoves a funnel in SpongeBob's pore] Now remember, the first one is free! [grabs a load of fortune cookies and implants them into SpongeBob to throw out to the customers]
  • Dale: [opens and eats cookie, then reads fortune] "Something wonderful is about to happen to you." [gets licked by a group of worm puppies then giggles] I love puppies, thanks fortune cookie!
  • Mable-Monica: "Eat your hat and you will fall in love." [takes hat off to eat and sees Lenny eating his hat. They both run to each other, dancing and kissing]
  • Mable-Monica and Lenny: Thanks fortune cookie!
  • Fred: "You will soon injure your legs?!" [Piano crashes down on Fred's legs] My legs! I was looking for an excuse to get out of jury duty. [plays piano] Thanks fortune cookie!
  • SpongeBob: Those fortune cookies are a hit.
  • [the crowd then runs into the Krusty Krab crowding it up, which attracts Plankton's attention]
  • Plankton: Fortune cookies at the Krusty Krab, aye? Well, Eugene, I have a prediction too. You are in for an epic fail supreme with extra cheese! [evil laugh]
  • Karen: Sheldon! Where are you!?
  • [Plankton then falls into the Chum Bucket, where Karen is seen complaining]
  • Plankton: Barnacles, woman, would it kill you to leave me alone for five minutes!
  • Karen: Sorry your royalship, but the garbage isn't going to take itself out. [drops garbage bag on Plankton]
  • Plankton: [slips out from under bag] Riddle me this, computer wife, what's hollow, full of lies, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth?
  • Karen: Our marriage? [she then shows an image of a wedding ring]
  • Plankton: No! Fortune cookies. And Krabs is raking it in right now because all of his fortunes are actually coming true?! So...
  • Karen: [imitating Plankton] So, you got an evil plan to get the Krabby Patty secret formula and soon it will be all yours, [evil imitated laugh]
  • Plankton: [surprised] Wow, I can't tell if you're sarcastic or psychic.
  • Karen: Ugh. [rolls eyes]
  • [the scene transitions to Plankton, who is creating fortune cookies with bad messages in them]
  • Plankton: This will be a good one, "You stink." [evil laugh while Karen is packaging the cookies]
  • [the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, Where Plankton is bringing in the load of bad fortune cookies. SpongeBob grabs the cookies and sets them inside the Krusty Krab, where they are ready to be sold]
  • Plankton: Enjoy your new fortune cookies, Krabs!
  • SpongeBob: [singing] Time for a refill.
  • [the Krusty Krab is loaded, and Squidward is selling the cookies without a break]
  • Squidward: My tentacles are going to fall off if I don't get a break soon, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [pushes Squidward] Look out, Mr. Squidward, I'll teach ya how to run a cash register. [pacing to put the money in the register and runs out of fortune cookies]
  • Mr. Krabs: Huh? More cookies, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Fortunes flying in, Mr. Krabs. [drops a load of cookies]
  • Plankton: Let the wave of misfortune begin.
  • Dale: "I'll get stomach cramps from the Krusty Krab?!"
  • Customer #1: "The octopus with the big nose just spit in your food?!" [Squidward wipes his nose]
  • Fred: "A yellow sponge will serve you salmonella?!"
  • Fred: "You will live forever if you eat at the Chum Bucket?!" [Crowd gasps]
  • Susie Rechid: Lets eat at the Chum Bucket. [crowd agrees and runs down to the Chum Bucket]
  • [Mr. Krabs loses his customers, causing his eye pupils to roll into the cash register like coins, and has a "no sale" sign in the register. The scene transitions to the Chum Bucket, where it is jam-packed with customers]
  • Mr. Krabs: What did we ever do to those fortune cookies to make them lie about us like that?
  • SpongeBob: Well, the fortunes in those cookies were always right before. [Plankton appears to be jumping in a fortune cookie bowl] Here Mr. Krabs, maybe this next one will change your luck.
  • Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs picks up cookie, opens it, and starts reading the fortune teller] "Unless you give a tiny copepod the Krabby Patty secret formula, you will die?!"
  • Plankton: [opera voice] Hello! Did someone say copepod?
  • [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs shriek, and starts running with fear to his office, where he locks the door and starts guarding it]
  • Plankton: Just wanted to borrow a cup of grease Eugene. I'll come back later, ciao!
  • Mr. Krabs: [nervously speaking] J-just how true are these cookie fortunes SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: If the cookie says it's true, then it's true. Horribly, terribly, truthfully, true! [begins wailing]
  • Mr. Krabs: "You will die." [echoes in head four times, leading to a vision of Mr. Krabs's funeral service]
  • Pearl: [sobbing] Oh I'll miss you daddy! But I really can't wait to spend your hard earned money on shoes! [laughs and runs away]
  • Mr. Krabs: [wakes up] Me money!
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs. [weeping tears and filling up Mr. Krabs's coffin, causing him to float down and hit his head on the floor. Vision ends]
  • Spongebob: Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs, it's time. [SpongeBob's arm breaks off while holding on to Mr. Krabs] It's time to give up the secret formula to Plankton! Because your life is worth more than some scrap of paper in a bottle.
  • Mr. Krabs: You're right me boy-o, [heads toward his safe] I've got to face me fortune. [takes secret formula out of safe]
  • [the transition cuts to the Chum Bucket, where Karen is controlling the crowd]
  • Karen: Don't crowd, there's more Chumbalaya where that came from, unfortunately. [Plankton is seen feeding the customers]
  • Crowd: [gags]
  • Plankton: The scheme is working perfectly, and here comes gullible Krabs now to hand-deliver the secret formula. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. [chuckles]
  • [SpongeBob appears having trouble getting inside the Chum Bucket]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, this crowd is impossible!
  • SpongeBob: [snatches secret formula] Leave it to me Mr. Krabs. I'll make sure Plankton gets his so you won't get yours. [jumps inside the crowd] Hot stuff comin' through! [sinks down the crowd]
  • Plankton: Don't worry secret formula, I'm comin' baby!
  • [Plankton then jumps in his boat to grab the secret formula, but SpongeBob is off-balance, so Plankton uses his fishing rod to grab the formula]
  • SpongeBob: [hands out formula] Here Plankton, Mr. Krabs wants you to have this.
  • Plankton: [chuckles] Finally! [Plankton reaches for formula, but the formula got knocked around by the crowd] No! [he then finds it rolling on the floor] Ah-hah. [after being crushed and abused by the crowd he decides to kick all customers out] I have had enough! Get out of my restaurant you mindless sheep! I wrote those fortunes, [crowd gasps] they were fakes, don't you get it?! Now all of you out! [growling]
  • Dale: Lets go back to the Krusty Krab. [crowd agrees and starts running back to the Krusty Krab]
  • [Mr. Krabs receives his formula back]
  • Plankton: I guess I didn't really think that through.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, I figured the funeral fortune was phony Plankton.
  • Plankton: Oh yeah?! What are you going to do about it Eugene?
  • Mr. Krabs: Nothing Sheldon. Here, have a fortune cookie.
  • Plankton: [opens fortune cookie and starts reading the fortune teller] "You will go on a long voyage where you will get everything you deserve." [gets picked up by Mr. Krabs] Hey!
  • [the ending follows to a Chinese restaurant where Plankton pops out of a fortune cookie and is avoiding the chop-sticks]
  • Plankton: Hey! Mommy!

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