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"Krab Borg" (transcript)

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Krab Borg
General
Season №: 3
Episode №: 49a
Airdate: March 29, 2002
Chronology
Previous: "Squilliam Returns"
Next: "Rock-a-Bye Bivalve"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Krab Borg" from season three, which aired on March 29, 2002.

  • TV: [SpongeBob is watching the movie while eating popcorn] We now return to tonight's Creepy Time Theater presentation of "Night of the Robot".
  • Dan Povenmire: [screaming while being chased by a giant robot]
  • SpongeBob: Hurry, Gary, the scary robot movie's on.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean I shouldn't watch this? Scary movies don't always freak me out. [scene cuts to SpongeBob lying in his bed, whimpering and shivering] What if Mom is a robot? What if Uncle Sherm is a robot? What if Gary is a robot? Gary? [Gary is sleeping] Psst, Gary? Gere-Bear? [pokes Gary's eye, causing him to wake up]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Gary, if you were a robot, you'd tell me, right?
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I've got nothing to worry about. And now to get a good night's sleep. [goes to sleep. Dreams about running from the giant robot from the movie earlier. Scene cuts to the next day at the Krusty Krab, with SpongeBob in the kitchen, panting] Robot! Oh my gosh! [robot turns out to be a sack of potatoes, a dust pan and broom, and a bucket] Huh? [chuckles nervously. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs holding down his money on Mr. Krabs' desk]
  • Mr. Krabs: How about a little music to count me money to? [turns on the radio that is next to him]
  • Radio DJ: And now for the #1 song in Bikini Bottom: "Electric Zoo". [tehcno beat is heard. Mr. Krabs starts counting his money]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, that's pretty catchy. Bee-boo-bop-bop, bee-boo-bop-bop. Yeah, that's not bad. I love this young people's music. [scene cuts to kitchen. A buzzer goes off]
  • SpongeBob: I surrender!! Oh.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams. His hat flies onto Squidward's nose]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, why are you wearing my hat on your nose?
  • Squidward: [takes off the hat and puts it back on SpongeBob's head] I'm not wearing your hat on my nose, I'm waiting for #17's order!
  • SpongeBob: #17 -- [holds up a tray with food] Krabby Patty and a medium beverage. Course. Sorry Squidward, I'm not really feeling myself today. I guess I'm a little bit jumpy. I keep thinking robots are taking over the world, probably on account of this movie I watched last night where robots take over the world. I even asked Gary if he was a robot! Pretty funny, huh?
  • Squidward: [sarcastically] Hilarious. Just deliver the food.
  • SpongeBob: [delivers the food to Thaddeus] There you go! Enjoy your... Say, you're not a robot, are you?
  • Thaddeus: No, I'm not.
  • SpongeBob: Well, keep your eyes peeled. [in a deep voice] They're everywhere. Back to work! [he runs away, Thaddeus shrugs his shoulders. SpongeBob walks by Mr. Krabs' office]
  • Mr. Krabs: [from office] I feel completely recharged!
  • SpongeBob: That sounds like Mr. Krabs. [peeks in the window]
  • Mr. Krabs: Come on, little buddy, play it again. [shakes his radio] Please? One more time, for me.
  • SpongeBob: That was strange. Mr. Krabs was talking to his radio, and he said he feels "recharged". [laughs] If I didn't know better, I'd say he was... [scene zooms in on SpongeBob] ...a robot. Nah.
  • Mr. Krabs: [calls the radio station] Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could play that song again.
  • Radio DJ: Hmmm... which one, man?
  • Mr. Krabs: The one that goes "bee-boo-boo-bop, boo-boo-beep."
  • Radio DJ: No, man. You're thinking of "bee-boo-boo-bop, boo-boo-bop."
  • Mr. Krabs: Bee-boo-boo-bop, boo-boo-bee-bop? Not bee-boo-boo-beep? Bop? Beep? Boo-boo-bop? [SpongeBob screams]
  • SpongeBob: Oh my gosh. Why was Mr. Krabs making all those beeping sounds? Could it be that he's... [scene zooms in on him] ...a robot? Nah. [peeks into the window again and sees Mr. Krabs doing a robot dance on his desk. He jumps onto Squidward's arms] Oh, Squidward, it's terrible! Mr. Krabs... talking to radio... beeping sounds... strange dancing... robot!
  • Squidward: [picks up SpongeBob off his arms] That's great, SpongeBob. Why don't you work on this problem back in the kitchen? [throws him in the kitchen. Squidward laughs, but SpongeBob reappears beside him. Squidward is confused and looks around for how he did it]
  • SpongeBob: I'm serious, Squidward! Mr. Krabs is a robot. And I can prove it, too.
  • Squidward: [confused] How did you...?
  • SpongeBob: Let's see, in the movie the robots didn't have a sense of humor! They couldn't laugh. Hey, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter] What is it, boy?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and I thought you might like to hear it.
  • Mr. Krabs: Is it true, Squidward? Is it hilarious?
  • Squidward: Umm... yeah, sure.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, let's hear it, lad.
  • SpongeBob: Okay, here it goes! Uhh, how'd it go Squidward?
  • Squidward: [chuckles nervously] Uhh, it went, umm, uhh, let's see, uhh... why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie?
  • Mr. Krabs: Why?
  • Squidward: It was rated "Arr!" [laughing] Arr! Because it's... about... pirates.
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm not paying you to do stand up, Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work!
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Not even a chuckle. See, Squidward? He didn't laugh because he couldn't laugh because he's... [scene zooms in on him] ...a robot.
  • Squidward: There's a logical explanation why he didn't laugh, SpongeBob. He's obviously heard it before. The only reason you think Krabs is a robot is because you watched that stupid movie. Now why don't you...
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter again] What? What is it, boy?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward's father never hugged him. Isn't that sad? [pretends to cry]
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself during his break! Now get back to work!
  • SpongeBob: Just like the robot in the movie. He couldn't cry either.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, this is getting ridiculous. I'll have you know my father loved me very much!
  • SpongeBob: That's the final test, Squidward. The love test. Robots can't love.
  • Squidward: No, wait, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter again] What is it, SpongeBob?!
  • SpongeBob: I just wanted to tell you that Squidward loves you! [Mr. Krabs makes a blank expression on his face]
  • Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward.
  • SpongeBob: [gulps] Squidward? [Mr. Krabs is at his desk writing something when the radio stops working]
  • Mr. Krabs: Aw, me radio died! [takes out the batteries] Hmmm, these batteries still have a little juice in 'em. I know! I'll give 'em to Pearl for Christmas. [puts the batteries in his back pocket. A bell rings and then Mr. Krabs walks over to a pot of boiling water] Me hard-boiled egg is ready! [picks up a pair of tongs] I can already taste it. Come to Papa. [takes the egg out of the water with his tongs] Got ya! And what good is a hot-boiled egg without a little salt? [picks up a pinch of salt]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [breaks the egg and spills salt in his eyes and screams] OH, MY EYES!!!! [resumes screaming]
  • SpongeBob: Mr... [Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]
  • Squidward: Will you be quiet? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?
  • SpongeBob: Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.
  • Squidward: OK, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?
  • Mr. Krabs: [Barges out screaming; his eyes are piercing red, his pair of the tongs snip, then it shows the batteries in his pocket]
  • SpongeBob & Squidward: [both screaming]
  • Mr. Krabs: [continues screaming as he goes into the bathroom]
  • Squidward: I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!
  • SpongeBob: [runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!
  • Operator: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
  • Squidward: Not the Navy! [over loudspeaker] Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots have taken over the world! [everyone is silent] Our world! [all the customers run out screaming] What do we do now?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [he points at it]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Sorry.
  • Mr. Krabs: [walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office] Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.
  • Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?
  • SpongeBob: Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
  • Squidward: They poop on the robot?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.
  • Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop! [grabs the book titled "How To Torture" and reads it with SpongeBob. SpongeBob grabs some rope while Squidward grabs a hammer and a saw. SpongeBob also grabs some old comedy records. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' office, where SpongeBob & Squidward enter]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello, boys. [they are at the door with angry expressions on their faces] What can I do for you? [SpongeBob & Squidward lock the door, making Mr. Krabs look nervous] Heh-heh, why did you lock the door? [nervously] Why do you have that rope? Who's watching the cash register?! [shot of outside the Krusty Krab where loud crashing and everyone screaming can be heard. Back in the office, Squidward ties Mr. Krabs to a chair] SpongeBob! Squidward! What's the meaning of this?! Untie me this instant!
  • Squidward: Shut up! [slaps Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones, what the heck is going on?!
  • Squidward: I said "shut up!", you bucket of bolts! [slaps him again]
  • SpongeBob: I can't take it! [runs off, crying]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, are you okay?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
  • Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs. That's Robot Krabs. [Mr. Krabs is trying to get out of his chair]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
  • Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.
  • SpongeBob: Right. [runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, you got to ask him a question first.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: [confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs. [Squidward slaps him again]
  • Squidward: We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.
  • SpongeBob: Where's Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.
  • Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!
  • SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.
  • Mr. Krabs: [confused, then angrily yells] WHAT?!?! [his yelling knocks over the light and SpongeBob] YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!?!?!
  • Squidward: We don't think; we know.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!
  • Squidward: [walks over to SpongeBob] He's not cracking. We'll never get it out of him this way.
  • SpongeBob: I got an idea. [pokes Squidward's nose] Keep an eye on him, Squidward. Don't fall for any of his robot tricks. [runs out and returns later] If Robot Krabs won't tell us where Mr. Krabs is, maybe one of his little robot friends will. [holds up a blender]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, uhh, that's a blender.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, but I saw Mr. Krabs talking with his radio before. He called it his "little buddy."
  • Squidward: Oh, really? Put it on the table, SpongeBob.
  • Mr. Krabs: You're going to interrogate my blender? You're crazy.
  • Squidward: We're just gonna see what your "little buddy" knows. [SpongeBob sets the blender on Mr. Krabs' desk. Squidward holds up a bat]
  • Mr. Krabs: [panicking] No, wait! What are you going to do with me blender?! That cost me money!
  • Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs? [shot of the blender] Not talking, eh? [breaks the blender with the bat]
  • Mr. Krabs: No! That cost me $24.95!
  • SpongeBob: I guess it didn't know anything.
  • Squidward: Go get the toaster. [SpongeBob gets the toaster then puts it on Mr. Krabs' desk]
  • Mr. Krabs: No, not me toaster. That cost me $32.50! [Squidward breaks the toaster and then SpongeBob sets a food processor on the desk] $62.67! [Squidward breaks it with the bat smashes it. SpongeBob picks up a coffee maker and puts it on the desk] Four... well, actually, that one was a gift. [Squidward breaks it] NOOOO!!!!
  • SpongeBob: [while trying to put the cash register on Mr. Krabs' desk] This is the last robot, Squidward.
  • Mr. Krabs: No, not my cash register! I raised it myself. I got it when it was just a little calculator. [crying] No!!! [sobbing and then sobbing louder]
  • Squidward: I thought you said robots can't cry.
  • SpongeBob: I also said they couldn't love.
  • Mr. Krabs: [crying] I loved it like it was me own.
  • SpongeBob: Uh, at least he's not laughing.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, I remember the laughs we used to share! [sobbing]
  • Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
  • SpongeBob: The movie? Oh, yeah! The ending was great! Turns out there weren't any robots after all. It was just their... imagination. [chuckles nervously as if he anticipates Squidward to be angry at him, then checks his watch] Hey, it's time to feed Gary. [runs out while Squidward smiles nervously at Mr. Krabs and then grabs a broom and sweeps the broken pieces on the floor. Mr. Krabs becomes infuriated]
  • Mr. Krabs: [growling. While the restaurant shakes] SQUIDWARD!!!!!!!

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