Squidward:[hands Harold his tray of food] Here you go, sir. A King-Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried [puts a stick into the food] on a stick.
Harold: Thanks! [walks off]
Squidward: Barnaclehead. [Harold comes back]
Harold: Pardon me?
Squidward:[holds up a mayonnaise bottle] You forgot your mayonnaise. [sets it on Harold's tray]
Harold: Thanks. [walks off and sits at his table]
Squidward: Look at them eating that garbage. [Harold bites into his food and squirts mayonnaise into his mouth] It's disgusting. They're sickening. I hate Krabby Patties.
SpongeBob:[laughing from the kitchen window] Good one, Squidward.
Squidward: Good what?
SpongeBob: Like you don't know. [hits Squidward on the back of the head] Saying, [imitates Squidward] "I hate Krabby Patties." [normal voice] That's hilarious! Everyone loves Krabby Patties.
Squidward: Yeah, well, not me.
SpongeBob:[silence, chuckles] You're good at that. [jumps on top of the window] Hey everyone! Squid says he doesn't like Krabby Patties. Ha! [everyone laughs]
Squidward: Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
SpongeBob:[starts to grill more patties] Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny. You know what we say. [all the customers appear in the kitchen]
All: The only people who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one! [they all disappear]
Squidward: That's me. Never had one, never will. [SpongeBob flips a Krabby Patty through the ceiling of the Krusty Krab after hearing this]
SpongeBob:[cleans out his ears] What? What did you say?
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty and never will.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry... I don't...
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty. [SpongeBob puts his glasses on and takes out a dictionary]
SpongeBob: Those words. Is it possible to use them in a sentence together like that?
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty! I've never had a Krabby Patty! I've never had a Krabby Patty!
SpongeBob:[takes off his glasses and throws away the dictionary] Never had a Krabby Patty?! Well, you've got to have one right now! [runs out of the kitchen holding a Krabby Patty] No wonder you're always so miserable! Here, try this.
Squidward:[slaps the patty out of SpongeBob's hand] Get that garbage outta my face! [SpongeBob runs off and brings it back]
SpongeBob: If you try it, you'll love it!
Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludge-balls you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick. [pan over to Patrick dressed as a cowboy, standing next to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob:[to Patrick, whispering] Sorry, Patrick. [Patrick sighs and walks off sadly. SpongeBob tries to give Squidward the patty again] Come on, you're gonna—
Squidward:[pushes the patty away] No.
SpongeBob: Open up the tunnel, here comes the train. Choo-choo... [Squidward slaps it away]
SpongeBob:[reaches behind Squidward's ear] Whoop! What's that in your ear? [pulls out a patty]
Squidward: Quit it.
SpongeBob: Come on, open wide!
Squidward: SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first... [walks out from behind the counter] and not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]
SpongeBob: But it's good for you!
Squidward:[turns around] G—good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]
Squidward: Oh, puh-lease! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter is heard. Squidward walks off]
SpongeBob: Okay, just half.
SpongeBob: A quarter?
SpongeBob: One bite?
Squidward: No. [Squidward enters the bathroom. When he opens a stall door, SpongeBob shows him the patty]
SpongeBob: Just smell it.
Squidward: If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I'd find it more appealing in here?! [slams the door. Cut to Squidward washing dishes. SpongeBob rises up, made with pink bubble in the sink, holding the Krabby Patty in his hand]
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward.
Squidward: No. [all the bubbles pop, including the Krabby Patty. Cut to Squidward putting money in the register. SpongeBob pops out of the register with coins on his head and eyes]
SpongeBob: One bite.
Squidward: No... [cash drawer shuts. Cut to Squidward taking out the trash. SpongeBob pops up from inside the trashcan, made with fruit and trash]
SpongeBob: You won't be sorry.
Squidward:[throws the garbage bag in the trash can]No!! [turns around and sees SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: It's delicious...
Squidward: Listen, SpongeBob, how long are you prepared to keep this up? [SpongeBob handcuffs himself to Squidward. Squidward takes the patty] Give me that! When I die...you stay away from my funeral. [looks at the patty, patty juice falls out] Ohh... do I really...
SpongeBob: Ahhhhh... [Squidward stretches his mouth] Eeeeee.... Oooooh-oooooh-oooh... [Squidward takes a tiny bite of the Krabby Patty and smiles. SpongeBob's eyes turn into hearts]
Squidward: Why... this Krabby Patty may be the most... [suddenly angry] Horrible! Putrid! Poorly prepared! Vile! [SpongeBob's eyes turn into atomic explosions] Unappetizing! Disgusting excuse for a sandwich, that has ever been my displeasure to have slither down my throat!
Squidward:[throws the patty on the ground and stomps on it] And I curse this Krabby Patty, and all who enjoy them, to an early and well-deserved grave! [puts a tombstone on top of the patty with 'R.I.P.' and a picture of a patty on it] Get it?
SpongeBob: But, it doesn't make any sense. The Krabby Patty is an absolute good. Nobody is immune to its tasty charms.
Squidward: Nobody but me.
SpongeBob: Are you sure?
Squidward: Does this look unsure to you? [close-up of Squidward's wrinkly face]
Squidward: Good! Now go spread the word!
Squidward:[SpongeBob's eyes well up with tears as he walks back into the Krusty Krab. When he shuts the door, Squidward gasps and digs for the Krabby Patty] Come on! Come on! Come on! [holds up the Krabby Patty covered in sand] Ah... still alive! [shoves the whole thing in his mouth] Oh, soooo delicious!!! [cries] Oh...! All the wasted years...! [licks the ground] I gotta have more. I gotta have more! [runs to the back of the Krusty Krab and is about to open the door but doesn't] But wait! [stands by the window. His eyes float over to the side of his face looking at SpongeBob grilling] After that performance, he'd never let me live it down! I gotta sneak one. Just one, then... I'm off the stuff for good!
SpongeBob: I didn't think it was possible, but, I guess some people just don't like Krabby Patties. [flips one in the air. Squidward peaks through the window]
Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward?
Squidward: I need a Triple Krabby Supreme on a kelp bun, [gets more excited] with— with extra sea pickles and, and burn it to a crisp, okay?
SpongeBob: Coming right up! [flips the patties again] Listen, Squidward. I want to apologize for before. I was only trying to make you happy. [Squidward moans and groans. His pupils flip as the patty does] But I guess deep down inside, I was trying to make myself happy, but now I've learned there's room for all kinds of people in this crazy old [indistinct. Squidward licks his lips] ...and they all don't have to like the same things. [the steam from the patties forms a figure and it kisses Squidward's nose then disappears]
Squidward: Don't go...
SpongeBob: ...And while I strongly disagree with your decision, I accept it. [SpongeBob holds up the Krabby Patty. Squidward tries to take a bite but SpongeBob takes it away and Squidward's face goes into the grill] You know, it's not often I get to make one like this. I want to see the look on their face when they take that first bite. [walks off. Squidward looks up with a burnt face. SpongeBob walks out of the kitchen] Triple Krabby Supreme! Triple Krabby Supreme! Did somebody order a Triple Krabby Supreme? Huh, they must've left.
Squidward: Well, why don't you just, uh, leave it out here, in case they come back.
SpongeBob: Noooope, a patty this special should be eaten fresh, and... well... I haven't had one of these babies in over twenty minutes, so... [eats the whole patty in one bite. Squidward gasps] Well, whoever they were, they had great taste! [Squid groans and chatters then starts to cry] Ahh, they don't know what they're missing. Well, back to work! [walks back into the kitchen]
Squidward: What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage? [Frank with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty]
Frank: I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]
Squidward: I had to say garbage... but, okay! [runs to the garbage can. Inhales deeply and eats everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, the Krabby Patty is the only thing left in the garbage. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty. SpongeBob runs over and grabs it out of his hand]
SpongeBob: Oh no, what's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace and throws it in and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off as Squidward starts crying. Cut to nighttime where Squidward is sitting in his chair, still crying, when there is a knock on the door. Squidward answers it and it's a giant Krabby Patty. Squidward kisses it and sighs. Cut to Squidward having dinner with the patty, marrying the patty [where Peterson talks inaudibly], having a child with the patty, and growing old with it. Dream sequence ends]
Squidward: Hmm, honey... [wakes up] What? Oh... I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is, unguarded! All I have to do is... Wait... It's too easy. There must be some kind of... [Squidward sees dripping coming from above the door inside] security? [Squidward looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [Squidward walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water, this is...gas! [A robotic arm with a match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and fire is seen again, as he screams again. And then he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties.]
Squidward: Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...
SpongeBob: Squidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?
Squidward:[turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]
SpongeBob: I always come to work at 3am. This is when I count the sesame seeds. [takes off his green hat] What are you doing here?
Squidward: Uhh, I forgot my...
SpongeBob: And why is the patty vault open?
Squidward: Oh, I thought that...
SpongeBob: And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
Squidward: I... I... I... no, I didn't do...
SpongeBob: And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [grins]
Squidward: No, no, wait... it's not what you think. Th-this is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you... [jumps up and down] You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward? [Squidward begins to sweat then slams the door on SpongeBob]
Squidward: Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I love Krabby Patties! [eats two patties]
SpongeBob: I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty! [Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time] Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! [Squidward keeps eating all the Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac-Man style] Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! Squidward! [As soon as he ate dozens of Krabby Patties]
Squidward: What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob: No, worse, it'll go right to your thighs!
Squidward: My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs, Squidward looks at thighs]
SpongeBob: ...and then you'll blow up! [Krusty Krab explodes. Squidward's head is sitting on the ambulance's bench while his legs are in a bucket]
Joe:[laughs] Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.