Idiot Box/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/44b

• SpongeBob: See anything yet, Patrick?
• Patrick: I need my glasses. [puts two glasses of water on his eyes like binoculars, which are real human eyes.] Hmmm... [a mail truck approaches] ...it's the mail truck!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Our package! [Patrick throws the glasses and they both start dancing and hopping]
• Squidward: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day.
• Mailman: SpongeBob SquarePants?
• SpongeBob: That's me! [the mailman throws a big box next to him and Patrick]
• Squidward: That's a big box!
• SpongeBob: Thank you! [still dancing and hopping]
• Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, when do we stop hopping?
• SpongeBob: 30 more seconds, Patrick. [rubs hands together]
• Squidward: They probably ordered a lifetime supply of bubble soap. [laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick lift up a big-screen TV out of the box] Huh? A brand-new television?
• SpongeBob: Easy... easy... [both him and Patrick throw the TV onto a trash-can]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah! [jump into the box and close the flaps]
• Squidward: Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider. [walks up to the box with SpongeBob and Patrick inside] Let me get this straight, you two ordered a giant screen television just so you could play in the box?
• SpongeBob: [as he emerges from the box] Pretty smart, huh?
• Patrick: [emerges from the box] I thought it wouldn't work.
• Squidward: Uh-huh, that's quite a plan there. Oh, but wait, there was something else I wanted to ask you two. Now what was it? Oh, yeah, yeah. [yells in SpongeBob and Patrick's faces] DON'T YOU TWO HAVE ANY BRAINS?'
• SpongeBob: Squidward, we don't need a television. Not as long as we have our... [makes a rainbow over his head with his hands] ...imagination!
• Squidward: Wow, I never thought of it that way. That's really something. Can I have your TV?
• SpongeBob: With... [SpongeBob jumps on the flap of the box, makes another rainbow with his hands] ...imagination, I can be anything I want! A pirate! [curls his finger in a hook shape] Arrrrr! A football player! [stands in a football player stance] Hup!
• Patrick: A starfish!
• Squidward: Patrick, you're already a starfish.
• Patrick: See, Squidward? It works! You try!
• Squidward: [rubs his two tentacles on both sides of his head] Okay, let's see. I'm imaging myself watching TV... [points to the one on the trash-can] ...and there it is! Can I have it, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Sure, Squidward.
• Squidward: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [Squidward runs to the TV and pushes it to his house]
• SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, but if you change your mind, we'll be in this box!
• Patrick: Let's play Mountain Climbing Adventure!
• SpongeBob: Let's go for it! [pulls the flaps of the box over on them] Gloves!
• Patrick: Check.
• SpongeBob: Hats!
• Patrick: Check.
• SpongeBob: Underwear!
• Patrick: Uh... check!
• SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, climb up there and secure this rope.
• Patrick: You got it! [climbing noises come from the box]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick, you're going too high!
• Squidward: I hope they put some air holes in that box. [goes inside his house]
• SpongeBob: Take it easy, Patrick, you've got to acclimate!
• Patrick: I'll take it easy when I'm dead! I'm shaking hands with Neptune! Whoo! Excelsior!
• Squidward: [opens his door] Now where's that remote? [walks up to the remote, which is right next to the box. He picks it up, puts it in his shirt and stands next to the box, listening to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Patrick: I am the lizard king! Whoo!
• SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! I think we should keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche!
• Patrick: What?
• SpongeBob: I said, I think we should keep our voices down in case of avalanches!
• Patrick: What should we keep down?
• Squidward: Morons.
• SpongeBob: OUR VOICES!
• Squidward: Will you two SHUT UP?! [kicks the box, causing the sound of an avalanche, making SpongeBob and Patrick scream and fall, they both start to cry. Sponge... Bob? [he softly touches the box, causing another avalanche]
• Patrick: Hold me.
• SpongeBob: Hang in there buddy, the chopper's on the way!
• Patrick: SpongeBob! My legs are frozen solid! You're going to have to cut them off with a saw! [Squidward begins to sweat]
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I can't do that!
• Patrick: Why not?
• SpongeBob: Because I already cut off my own arms! [Squidward kneels down]
• Patrick: NOOOOOO!
• [Squidward quickly opens the box and looks in. SpongeBob and Patrick sit inside the box]
• Squidward: [confused] What the? How were you two making that noise?
• SpongeBob: [laughs] What noise, Squidward?
• Patrick: I could only hear the sound of our laughter.
• Squidward: Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the, the, the...
• Patrick: Don't forget the second avalanche.
• Squidward: Forget it. [closes the box] I don't know why I'm wasting my time out here when I could be watching my brand new television. [helicopter sounds are heard from the box, Squidward looks around at the sky and ducks]
• Pilot Inside Box: Attention climbers, please hold on! The saws are on the way!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: YAY!
• Squidward: Grrrr... AHA! [he opens the box again and sees SpongeBob and Patrick sitting inside the box again] How are you two doing that?
• SpongeBob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet...
• Squidward: The noises! How are you two making those noises?
• Patrick: That's easy. All you need is a box.
• SpongeBob: And... [makes another rainbow with his hands] ...imagination.
• Squidward: [as SpongeBob and Patrick duck down into the box] Are you trying to say that I have no imagination? I have more imagination... [tries to make a rainbow with his hands, like SpongeBob, but is unsuccessful] ...in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
• Patrick: That's good. Now all you need is a box. [closes the box]
• Squidward: [walks back to his house] I'll show them! [looks in his closet] There's got to be one in here! [finds a small, round green box] Ah! This hat box should do nicely. [pulls out a Mexican sombrero] Why haven't I worn this yet? [throws it off-screen, gets in the box but he is too big for it and then just sits there. He then frowns, looks at his watch and then gets mad and kicks the box. Police sirens are heard]
• Policeman Inside SpongeBob and Patrick's box: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
• Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do? [he gasps] Obviously, I've violated some new box kicking law! [walks out of his house showing the green box] Look officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again!
• Criminal Inside Box: You'll never take me alive, coppers!
• Man Inside Box: No, Johnny! Don't do it! [Police sirens are heard. Squidward gets angry and kicks his green box toward SpongeBob and Patrick's box]
• Patrick: [opens box and sirens stop] Whoopee! Another box! [Patrick takes the hat box and closes the box they're sitting in and police sirens are heard again]
• Squidward: I got to try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV. [turns on TV to see a show with boxes on a conveyor belt in a factory]
• Male TV narrator: It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly. [changes channel to an old professor talking about a box equation on a chalkboard]
• Professor: The equation is illustrated here by this box. [changes channel to a soap opera with a man and woman]
• Man: I couldn't afford a present this year, so I got you this box. [he holds up a box]
• Woman: That's what I got you! [she also holds up a box]
• Squidward: [frustrated about the box channels] Isn't there anything on that isn't about BOXES?! [changes channel to a boxing match on TV]
• Announcer: And welcome back to Championship Boxing.
• Squidward: [hoping the show isn't about boxes] Heh-heh, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes. [two boxes go at each other in the ring] I give up.
• Astronaut Inside SpongeBob and Patrick's Box: 3... 2... 1... blast off! [a loud rocket takes off noises are heard from the box]
• Squidward: [fascinated] How are they doing that? That was the most realistic space launch I ever heard! There must be an explanation. Think, Squidward, think! [he imagines SpongeBob and Patrick playing a tape recorder with real rocket sound effects]
• SpongeBob: Squidward's such a jerk. [both laugh]
• Squidward: Laugh at me, will they? [opens box once again] All right, where is it?
• Patrick: [comes out of Squidward's green hat box] Here I am!
• SpongeBob: Where's what, Squidward?
• Squidward: Don't "Where's what, Squidward?" me! Where's the tape recorder?
• SpongeBob: We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward!
• Squidward: Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward!" me!
• SpongeBob: But we don't!
• Patrick: [holds up a small, white, rectangular box in his hand] We have a tape recorder box.
• Squidward: [takes the small, white box from Patrick and throws it off] All right, make way you two, I'm coming in. [gets into box]
• SpongeBob: Welcome aboard, Squidward! You've just set sail on the S.S... [makes a rainbow with his hands once more] ...Imagination... where our only destination is fantastic adventure! Where do you want to go first?
• Squidward: No, no. Don't mind me, I'm just here to observe.
• SpongeBob: Squidward, don't you see? Waiting and watching? That's not what the box is all about! It's about... [makes one last rainbow with his hands] ...imagination.
• Squidward: ALL RIGHT, FINE! [as he makes the rainbow go away with his hands] Take me to Robot Pirate Island! I wanna arm-wrestle with cowboys on the moon! Just do it so I can get back and watch TV!
• SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward! Robot Pirate Island it is! [SpongeBob and Patrick close their eyes and make pirate and robot sounds]
• Patrick: [imitates robot] Beep-beep-beep.
• SpongeBob: [imitates pirate] Arr.
• Patrick: Beep-boop-bee-boop.
• SpongeBob: Ahoy matey!
• Patrick: Beep-beep.
• SpongeBob: For that you'll walk the plank! [SpongeBob giggles softly, and Patrick starts chuckling goofily]
• Squidward: [he gets angry. he growls] WHY WON'T THIS THING TURN ON? [he slams the bottom of the box with his fists] All right, fine. If you don't want to show me, [gets out of the box] I don't care! I've got better things to do than pace the floor wondering how you two work this thing. [Squidward paces back and forth in his house] How do those two work that thing? There's got to be a secret button or a switch or something! I mean, listen to that! [he hears real robot/pirate, battle noises from box] Now, that sounds like Robot Pirate Island! Think, Squidward, think! I got it: when those two go to bed, I'll sneak in there and find that button! I'll wait all night if I have to! [he sits in his chair until nighttime]
• [firework and cheering sounds are heard coming from the box. Patrick and SpongeBob come out of the box and Patrick yawns] I need sleep to refuel my imagination tanks!
• SpongeBob: [Squidward looks out of his window] I still can't believe those pirates beat all those robots.
• Patrick: Yeah, see you in the morning.
• SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. [they both go into their houses]
• [Squidward sneaks out of his house. He tiptoes over to the box and gets inside]
• Squidward: [He chuckles mischievously and then sees a piece of paper on the side of the box] Hello, what's this? [reads] "This plaque is to commemorate the brave pirates who gave their lives to keep this box safe from the Robot Menace. Lest we forget... Ohh! [tears paper into pieces with anger] I've got to find that button quick! [looks around the box] It's got to be around here somewhere. I don't see anything! It's just an empty box! Maybe it really was their imagination. Oh... get it together, Squidward! What are you saying? I mean, do I really believe that if I sit here and pretend to drive a race car that I'm suddenly going to start hearing noises? [pushes his foot down and the sound of an engine revving is heard] What the...? [Squidward turns the imaginary key] It actually works! I can't believe it! Ha-ha! Oh boy! This beats TV by a long shot! [laughs] Whooo-hoo-hoo! This is the most fun I've ever had! [the noises actually come from a garbage truck, which lifts the box into the other garbage]
• SpongeBob: [Squidward cheering in the distance] Listen to that, Gary. Squidward finally made the box work after all. That's so great.
• Squidward: [the garbage truck begins to drive away with the box that Squidward is in] Vroom! Vroom! Only two more laps to the finish line! [the garbage truck dumps out the trash, including the box] I'm in the lead! Out of my way! I'm almost there! [laughs as the box slides down a trash pile] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Victory is mine! [the box hits something, sending Squidward tumbling down, face first onto a cherry pie. He groans and the box falls on him. The next morning, SpongeBob and Patrick come out of their houses]
• SpongeBob: Hey, our box is gone!
• Patrick: Oh, well.
• SpongeBob: I know! Let's go see Squidward!
• Patrick: I hope he's not too down in the dumps today. [he and SpongeBob walk to Squidward's house, and a timpani noise sounds and the screen fades to black, ending the episode]