I Had an Accident/transcript

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• Patrick (screaming, bashes body on mountain. The word 'DEAD' flashes)

• Patrick (playing a video game with his character while sliding at Sand Mountain). Aww, I got dead again! This game stinks! (screams and bashes body on mountain)

• Sandy See, that's why you must always pay attention to the mountain.

• SpongeBob I'm listening to you, mountain! Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick!

• Patrick Oh, yeah I forgot. (eats yellow sand on a plate)

• SpongeBob Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward"!

• Squidward Stop naming moves after me!

• SpongeBob (imitating Squidward) Everybody's an idiot except for me.

• Squidward Well, it's true.

• SpongeBob (laughs like Squidward)

• Sandy and Patrick (laughing)

• Sandy SpongeBob! Look out for that tree!

• SpongeBob Huh? (skips tree) Don't worry guys, everything is under control because I'm an… (goes off mountain) Expert! (Lengthened scream)

• SpongeBob Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down! (camera reveals that SpongeBob is upside down and not the mountain) Aaah!

• Sandy SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!

• SpongeBob (takes off pants) Like this?

• Patrick No, your other bottom!

• Sandy Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

• Patrick Not until 4:00.

• SpongeBob (crashes into the ground and breaks into tons of pieces)

• Sandy Ooh, that's got to hurt.

• Patrick Do it again! I wasn't looking!

• Doctor Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.

• SpongeBob My what has a what now?

• Doctor Your butt's all better, see, it's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples and had to use a gluestick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, I'd like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there. In the Iron Butt.

• Tom (in the Iron Butt): Aww, man. It itches!

• SpongeBob (outside hospital) You heard the doctor Spongebob. One more injury like that, then it's the iron butt! I've been too careless back there. From now on, no more hijinks. (To Harold) Hep, hep, hep! Stay away from the backside I'm warning you!

• Harold What's your problem?

• SpongeBob (whew) That was close!

• Football Player Hey, SpongeBob, why don't you join us? We need an extra player. (another football player catches a football) Nice catch, Percy! (slaps Percy's butt)

• SpongeBob (screams)

• Jimmy Hey, SpongeBob! You've gotta try this, dude! We finally got enough people for a 7 mile spanking machine! (goes under, people start spanking his butt) Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch.

• SpongeBob (screams, running to his house)

• Squidward Is this where the line starts?

• SpongeBob My butt is not safe out here! No part of me is safe!

Patrick & Sandy: (laughing, after returning from another trip from Sand Mountain)

• Sandy Ride 'em cowboy! (Enters SpongeBob's house) Hey, SpongeBob!

• Patrick (is still laughing, and Sandy stares at him and he stops laughing.) That was fun.

• Sandy Hey, SpongeBob, ready to go sand boarding again? SpongeBob?

• SpongeBob Hello friends. Enjoying the outside world?

• Sandy What'cha all doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?

• SpongeBob Oh, living out the remainder of my life, in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided that I'm never leaving my house again.

• Sandy That's crazy talk!

• Patrick That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk! (Gibberish blabbing, and Sandy punches him to shut him up.) Sorry.

• SpongeBob No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt, it'll be my armpit or my forehead.

• Patrick Or your other armpit!

• SpongeBob I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge, what was I thinking? Walking. My people are sedentary.

• Sandy Just sitting in your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?

• SpongeBob I won't be alone, so I've got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny (holds up a penny). And Chip (holds up a potato chip). And say hello to Used Napkin (holds up a used napkin).

• Sandy How are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?

• SpongeBob No problem! (he grabs a stick and the stick stretches to a window at the Krusty Krab) A really long spatula.

• Sandy What about eating?

• SpongeBob I'm a sponge! I'll just filter feed. (breathes in a different and weird way)

• Sandy SpongeBob, sooner or later you're gonna have to go outside!

• SpongeBob Listen, I've told you but I'm never leaving my house again.

• Patrick Never ever?

• SpongeBob Never ever ever!

• Patrick Never ever ever ever ever for never ever?!

• SpongeBob Never ever never never ever ever never!!

• Patrick Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!

• SpongeBob and Patrick Never never never never ever never ever never…

• SpongeBob D'alright Patrick, that is enough!!! Chip, will you mind showing these two to the door? (throws Chip to the door and Sandy and Patrick leave)

• Patrick Thank you, Chip. (outside) I guess I'll to have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!

• Squidward No!

• Patrick Oh.

• Sandy Don't worry Pat, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

• Patrick And that's when I punch him, right? (Sandy gives a bummed look)

(Sandy and Patrick are jellyfishing outside SpongeBob’s house)

• Sandy Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad SpongeBob's missing out on all the fun!

• Patrick I caught one! (puts head in net and his jellyfish sticks to his face) Huh?

• SpongeBob (Patrick screaming in background) Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing! My new hobby is much more safer, isn't it Chip? Dust collecting! (brings out a pair of glasses and a tiny net and waves it in the air) I think I caught one!

• Sandy We’ve got to try something else!

(Sandy and Patrick are holding a cake in front of SpongeBob’s house)

• Sandy and Patrick (singing) Three cheers on your birthday, SpongeBob! Three cheers for you!

• Sandy Now you got to blow out the candles and make a wish.

• SpongeBob I don't need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors.

I know of a place where you never get harmed.

A magical place with magical charms.

Indoors! Indoors! Indoors!

• SpongeBob Take it away, Penny! (silence)

• Patrick That penny has the most beautiful voice.

• Sandy That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun that you'll have to come outside.

• Sandy Trampoline!

• Patrick Ice cream!

• Sandy Underwater surfing!

• Patrick Two ice creams!

• Sandy Ferris wheel!

• Patrick (the two ice creams are melting) Still two ice creams!

• Sandy (straining) Clam wrestling!

• Patrick Washing an old person!

• Sandy Patrick, that’s not fun!

• Old man It is for me!

• SpongeBob (breathing differently as before)

• Sandy Nothing's working, Pat!

• Patrick What do we do?

• Old man I say we take a bath!

• Sandy Wha...will you get out of here?

(Patrick and Sandy are hiding behind a coral bush and Patrick is in a gorilla suit)

• Sandy Now remember. Don’t jump out until I give the signal!

• Patrick Right! (he zips up his mask)

• Sandy All right, SpongeBob. You win. Stay inside forever. Yours is truly the iron will. Now, Pat!

• Patrick (comes out in a gorilla suit and acts like a gorilla but begins to also act like an idiot)

• Sandy Eek! A gorilla! Save me, SpongeBob!

• SpongeBob OK, guys really. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows that's Patrick in the same costume that he wore for Halloween last year.

• Sandy No, really! You’ve got to come and save me! (Suddenly, a second Patrick shows up out of nowhere with an ice cream)

• Patrick #2 Hey, Sandy, Who's your friend?

• SpongeBob (gives a startled look)

• Sandy But you're supposed to be in the gorilla suit.

• Patrick #1 I am in the gorilla suit. (unzips the gorilla suit) I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

• Sandy If you're Patrick, then who is that?

• Patrick #2 (unzips Patrick suit, turns out to be a real gorilla)

• Sandy Ah! A real gorilla!

• SpongeBob Huh?

(the gorilla rips out of the Patrick suit it is wearing)

• Sandy and Patrick (screaming)

• Gorilla (grabs Patrick and Sandy and puts them in a bag and repeatedly hurts them)

• SpongeBob Oh, my gosh!

• Sandy and Patrick (screaming)

• SpongeBob This can't be happening! (The gorilla beats SpongeBob's two friends senselessly in the sack)

• SpongeBob This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about! Well, they were asking for it. It's not like I didn't warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know they're my two dearest friends in the world, but I told them, I wasn't going outside no matter what. You can do it without the name calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin! I know, Chip. If I was out there, bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. And I've got to do the same for them. If I don't come back alive, Chip, take good care of Gary.

• Gary (eats Chip, killing him) Meow.

• SpongeBob Well, here we go. From the safety of my home, to the outside world. (opens the door and steps out) I'm taking my first step. So far, so good. I think I can do this! (a paper flies onto his face) Aah! Oh, dear Neptune, get off of me, get off of me, chip help me, help me! (Squidward listens to SpongeBob and rolls his eyes and he removes the paper off his face) I'm still alive! I did it! I made it outside! Nothing can stop me now!

• Gorilla (grabs SpongeBob).

• SpongeBobToo late to go back inside again?

• Gorilla (rips SpongeBob in half)

• 1st half of SpongeBob It's too late.

• Gorilla (screeches)

• 1st half of SpongeBob Patrick? Sandy?

• Sandy &
• Patrick(still in the bag) Yes, SpongeBob?

• 1st half of SpongeBob I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore. But I'm terrified of gorillas right now.

• Sandy (shaken) Ah, that's okay, SpongeBob. Us too.

• 1st half of SpongeBob You know what I don't understand though?

• 2nd half of SpongeBob What?

• 1st half of SpongeBob What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place (Gorilla's eyes widen)

• Gorilla (man’s voice;) Oh! Well, it's funny that you should...um...uh...George, they're onto us! (A zebra rushes onto the screen)

• George Let's get out of here! (the gorilla gets on George and rides away with him)

• Sandy,
• Patrick &
• The 2 halves of SpongeBob (watching the gorilla ride on George into the sunset)

(TV zooms out to reveal a family watching this in bemusement. The father gives us a confused look, shakes his head, and turns off the TV.)

Girl: That's all folks!

narrator: "the end".