I Had an Accident/transcript

Template:BTranscript

Patrick: (screaming, bashes body on mountain. The word 'DEAD' flashes)

Patrick: (playing a video game with his character while sliding at Sand Mountain). Aww, I got dead again! This game stinks! (screams and bashes body on mountain)

Sandy: See, that's why you should always pay attention to the mountain.

SpongeBob: I'm listening to you, mountain! Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick!

Patrick: Oh, yeah. (eats yellow sand on a plate)

SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward"!

Squidward: Stop naming moves after me!

SpongeBob: (imitating Squidward) Everybody's an idiot except for me.

Squidward: Well, it's true.

SpongeBob: (laughs like Squidward)

Sandy and Patrick: (laughing)

Sandy: SpongeBob! Look out for that tree!

SpongeBob: Huh? (skips tree) Don't worry guys, I've got this under control because I'm an… (goes off mountain) Expert! (Lengthened scream)

SpongeBob: Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down! (camera reveals that SpongeBob is upside down and not the mountain) Aaah!

Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!

SpongeBob: (takes off pants) Like this?

Patrick: No, your other bottom!

Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

Patrick: Not until 4:00.

SpongeBob: (crashes)

Sandy: Ooh, that's got to hurt.

Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!

SpongeBob: (at hospital) What happened?

Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.

SpongeBob: My what has a what now?

Doctor: Your butt's all better, see, it's quite amazing. It took us 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples and had to use a gluestick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, I'd like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could end up like that poor creature over there. With the Iron Butt.

Tom (in the Iron Butt): Aww, man. It itches!

SpongeBob: (outside hospital) I've been too careless out there. From now on, no more hijinks. (To Harold) Hep, hep, hep! Stay away from the backside!

Harold: What's your problem?

SpongeBob: That was a close one!

Football Player: Hey, SpongeBob, wanna join us? We need an extra player. (another football player catches a football) Nice catch, Percy! (slaps Percy's bottom)

SpongeBob: (screams)

Jimmy: Hey, SpongeBob! You've gotta try this, man! We finally got enough people for a 7 mile spanking machine! (goes under, people start spanking his butt) Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch!

SpongeBob: (screams, running to his house)

Squidward: Is this where the line starts?

SpongeBob: My butt is not safe out here! No part of me is safe!

Patrick and Sandy: (laughing, after returning from another trip from Sand Mountain)

Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob!

Patrick: (is still laughing, and Sandy stares at him.) That was fun.

Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob, ready come back? SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Hello friends.

Sandy: What'cha doing?

SpongeBob: Oh, living the remainder of my life. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. And from now on, I'm never leaving my house again.

Sandy: That's crazy talk!

Patrick: That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk! (talks very weird, and Sandy punches him to shut him up.) Sorry.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt, it'll be my forehead or my armpit.

Patrick: Or your other armpit!

SpongeBob: I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge, what was I thinking? Walking. My people are sedentary.

Sandy: How'll you keep your job at the Krusty Krab?

SpongeBob: No problem! A really long spatula.

Sandy: What about eating?

SpongeBob: I'm a sponge! I'll just filter feed. (breathes in a different way)

Sandy: Just sitting in the middle of your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?

SpongeBob: I won't be lonesome, I've got all the friends I need. This is Penney. And this is Chip. And say hello to Used Napkin.

Sandy: SpongeBob, sooner or later you're gonna have to go outside!

SpongeBob: Listen, I've reached my point. I'm never going outside again.

Patrick: Never ever?

SpongeBob: Never ever ever!

Patrick: Never never ever for never ever?!

SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!!

Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Never ever never never ever never ever never…

SpongeBob: D'alright Patrick, that's enough!!! Chip, will you escort these two to the door? (throws Chip to the door)

Patrick: Thank you, Chip. (outside) I guess I'm going to have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!

Squidward: No!

Patrick: Oh.

Sandy: Don't worry Pat, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

Patrick: And that's when I punch him, right? (Sandy gives a bummed look)

Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad SpongeBob's missing out on all the fun!

Patrick: I caught one! I caught one! (puts head in net) Uh-oh!

SpongeBob: (Patrick screaming in background) Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing! My new hobby is much more safer, isn't it Chip. Dust collecting! (brings out a tiny net and waves it in the air) I think I caught one!

Sandy and Patrick: Three cheers on your birthday, SpongeBob! Three cheers for you!

Sandy: Now you have to blow out the candle and make a wish.

SpongeBob: I don't need a wish, Penny. All I ever wanted is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the magic of being indoors.

Music: "Indoors"

I know of a place Where you never get harmed. A magical place with magical charms. Indoors! Indoors! Indoors!

SpongeBob: Take it away, Penny!

Patrick: That penny has the most beautiful voice.

Sandy: That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun you're gonna have to come outside.

Sandy: Trampoline!

Patrick: Ice cream!

Sandy: Underwater surfing!

Patrick: Two ice creams!

Sandy: Ferris wheel!

Patrick: (The two ice creams are melting) Still two ice creams!

Sandy: Clam wrestling!

Patrick: Washing an old person!

Sandy: Patrick, that ain't fun!

Old man: It is for me!

SpongeBob: (breathing differently as before)

Sandy: Nothing's working, Pat!

Patrick: What do we do now?

Old man: I say we take a bath!

Sandy: Wha...will you get out of here?

Sandy: Ok, Pat, remember the plan. When I give you the signal, you get out there and act like a gorilla.

Sandy: Ok, SpongeBob. You win. Stay inside forever. Yours is truly the iron will. Now, Pat!

Patrick: (comes out in a gorilla suit and acts like a gorilla)

Sandy: Eek! A gorilla! Save me SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: OK, guys. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows that's Patrick in the same gorilla suit he wore for Halloween last year.

Sandy: No, really! (Suddenly, a second Patrick shows up out of nowhere)

Patrick #2: Hey, Sandy, Who's your friend?

SpongeBob: (gives a startled look)

Sandy: But you're supposed to be in the gorilla suit.

Patrick #1: (unzips the gorilla suit) I am in the gorilla suit. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

Sandy: Well, if you're Patrick, then who's that?

Patrick #2: (unzips Patrick suit, turns out to be a real gorilla)

Sandy: Ah! A real gorilla!

SpongeBob: Huh?

Sandy and Patrick: (screaming)

Gorilla: (bags Sandy and Patrick and repeatedly hurts them)

SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh!

Sandy and Patrick: (screaming)

SpongeBob: This can't be happening! (The gorilla beats SpongeBob's two friends senselessly in the sack)

SpongeBob: This is exactly what I was trying to tell you! Well, they were asking for it. It's not like I didn't warn them. I'm never going outside again. Yes, Chip, I know they're my two dearest friends in the world, but I told them, I was never going outside again. You can do it without the name calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin! I know, Chip. If I was out there, bagged by an ape, Sandy and Patrick would risk anything to save me. And I've got to do the same for them. Chip, If I don't come back alive, take care of Gary.

Gary: (eats Chip, killing him) Meow.

SpongeBob: Well, here it goes. Taking my first step. So far, so good. I think I can do this! (a paper flies onto his face) Aah! Oh, Neptune, forgive me! Save me, Chip! Save me! (removes the paper off his face) I'm still alive! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, have survived the outdoors. Nothing can stop me now! Nothing!

Gorilla: (grabs SpongeBob).

SpongeBob: Is it too late to go back inside yet?

Gorilla: (rips SpongeBob in half)

1st half of SpongeBob: It's too late. Patrick? Sandy?

Sandy and Patrick: (still in the bag) Yes, SpongeBob?

1st half of SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not afraid to go outside anymore. But I'm terrified of gorillas now!

Sandy: (shaken) Ah, that's okay, SpongeBob. Us too.

1st half of SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand?

2nd half of SpongeBob: What?

1st half of SpongeBob: What's a gorilla doing underwater anyway? (Gorilla's eyes widen)

Gorilla: Oh! Well, it's funny that you should...um...uh...George, they're onto us! (A zebra rushes onto the screen)

George: Let's get out of here!

Sandy, Patrick and the 2 halfs of SpongeBob: (watching the gorilla ride on George into the sunset)

(TV zooms out to reveal a family watching this in bemusement. The father gives us a confused look, shakes his head, and turns off the TV.)